Tomorrow my hubby has an extremely minor surgery to remove the port that has been his support throughout the many blood draws, infusions, and IV medications. It is so minor that his surgeon is going to do it in clinic. This is really good news in the perspective of how well remission has gone since chemo.
Moving past the time for concern in the medical world of recurring cancer is pretty neat, if not a little surreal. This week marks the two year anniversary that the lump was found that started our journey. It's a little hard to fathom that it has been that long. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I can remember so much of the emotions of that year, many of them still a little raw below the surface. It is still hard for my husband to talk about his perspective of living with cancer.
I'm glad for the news that the doctor's think we won't need the port anymore. Yet as I write this I hesitate to be happy about it. I still worry about troubles with doing the blood work in the future, and I don't know if I will ever fully trust that the cancer is gone for good. I trust it is gone for now. I wonder if other cancer survivors feel the same way.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Growing
My second week in my new position was a definite week of blessings. I learned lessons and the Lord helped me to let go of the little failures and focus on the growth of each day.
Learning to be a leader and the big decision-maker is such a challenge. I know there was a concern with my ability to be strong in this role and I understand it. But to be responsible for a business, employees, and clients, I cannot be a leader if I cannot do the hard things along with the fun. If a leader runs away from the hard parts, that leader fails the business, the employees and the clients.
For me, the difficulty isn't in making the difficult decisions, it is having to communicate that decision for the party that gets the bad news. My heart is to deliver these messages in a godly, loving, and professional manner that is clear and concise. I'm not always successful, definitely I will be learning through each circumstance that comes my way. I am excited that I am learning and I can make mistakes and learn from them and use those lessons to have positive experiences in the next situation that comes along.
The other thing I am finding is that God has enabled me to have more of a blance between the role of leader at work and wife/mother at home. They are two completely different arenas and it really helps me to have a bigger separation. At home I am the support, the helper, not the decision-maker. It is almost a relief to come home and not have the weight of that responsibility on my shoulders. I am enjoying life more. God is good.
Learning to be a leader and the big decision-maker is such a challenge. I know there was a concern with my ability to be strong in this role and I understand it. But to be responsible for a business, employees, and clients, I cannot be a leader if I cannot do the hard things along with the fun. If a leader runs away from the hard parts, that leader fails the business, the employees and the clients.
For me, the difficulty isn't in making the difficult decisions, it is having to communicate that decision for the party that gets the bad news. My heart is to deliver these messages in a godly, loving, and professional manner that is clear and concise. I'm not always successful, definitely I will be learning through each circumstance that comes my way. I am excited that I am learning and I can make mistakes and learn from them and use those lessons to have positive experiences in the next situation that comes along.
The other thing I am finding is that God has enabled me to have more of a blance between the role of leader at work and wife/mother at home. They are two completely different arenas and it really helps me to have a bigger separation. At home I am the support, the helper, not the decision-maker. It is almost a relief to come home and not have the weight of that responsibility on my shoulders. I am enjoying life more. God is good.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Spiritual Growth: Here and Now
I officially started my new job this week. After months of being in limbo and weeks of being half moved between offices, today was the first day that I felt settled. The moving isn't complete, but I have what I need to do the daily tasks.
Spiritually after such a high in my last post, I am going through a bit of a struggle. Our pastor suggested a fasting period to start out the new year, not necessarily a food fast, but a fast of giving up something to spend time with the Lord on a regular basis. I chose to fast from something that I knew would be hard to do and I have to admit I haven't been very successful. The Lord has definitely been convicting my heart and showing me where I need to step it up in my committment to Him. I haven't decreased my normal time with Him, but I feel Him telling me that our relationship cannot reach the next level if I am not willing to surrender and commit to Him in the harder things.
I know that the act of surrender and self-sacrifice for the Lord may seem like I am de-valuing/ sacrificing myself...in a way it is. What kind of relationship lasts if one person isn't willing to sacrifice part of themselves for the other? I know I am in need of continued growth. In fact, I long for continued maturity and a closer relationship with the Lord. I long to live continually in His presence and to live in His embrace. My flesh resists this and tries to convince me that it isn't worth the reward, even though I know otherwise. My prayer is that the Lord will keep my perspective in check, that I will not take advantage of Him or devalue Him. What a travesty that would be! Who am I to say that a few moments of my time are greater than giving a few moments to Him? How dare I even think such a thing? I have done such a thing. And I regret it. I know I have missed greater things for a few moments of selfishness.
The positive in this is that the Lord doesn't keep a record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13). He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. We can trust Him to forgive and continue to love us and to be absolutely thrilled in the moments we choose to spend with Him going forward. He isn't standing there saying, "Just think of what you have missed or where you could be if you..." He is standing there rejoicing in the choice that we have made to spend time with Him here and now.
Spiritually after such a high in my last post, I am going through a bit of a struggle. Our pastor suggested a fasting period to start out the new year, not necessarily a food fast, but a fast of giving up something to spend time with the Lord on a regular basis. I chose to fast from something that I knew would be hard to do and I have to admit I haven't been very successful. The Lord has definitely been convicting my heart and showing me where I need to step it up in my committment to Him. I haven't decreased my normal time with Him, but I feel Him telling me that our relationship cannot reach the next level if I am not willing to surrender and commit to Him in the harder things.
I know that the act of surrender and self-sacrifice for the Lord may seem like I am de-valuing/ sacrificing myself...in a way it is. What kind of relationship lasts if one person isn't willing to sacrifice part of themselves for the other? I know I am in need of continued growth. In fact, I long for continued maturity and a closer relationship with the Lord. I long to live continually in His presence and to live in His embrace. My flesh resists this and tries to convince me that it isn't worth the reward, even though I know otherwise. My prayer is that the Lord will keep my perspective in check, that I will not take advantage of Him or devalue Him. What a travesty that would be! Who am I to say that a few moments of my time are greater than giving a few moments to Him? How dare I even think such a thing? I have done such a thing. And I regret it. I know I have missed greater things for a few moments of selfishness.
The positive in this is that the Lord doesn't keep a record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13). He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. We can trust Him to forgive and continue to love us and to be absolutely thrilled in the moments we choose to spend with Him going forward. He isn't standing there saying, "Just think of what you have missed or where you could be if you..." He is standing there rejoicing in the choice that we have made to spend time with Him here and now.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Faithful with little
Another month has gone by and a new year is begun. Time slips away it seems, but not without impact. Professionally, I continued to face challenges this past month during my interim 'interview', but by the grace of God, He has carried me through. Almost literally. Sometimes I feel totally disconnected from the events of daily life at work. I am using my giftings and following His lead. The outcome of events can only be from the Lord. It feels nearly too good to be true, but I know that I am resting in His arms and following His will. I only pray my human nature doesn't fail Him.
The week before Christmas I was presented with a job offer for the position I have interimed. It required a lot of thought and prayer. Both my husband and I spent a lot of time discussing what was best for our family. In the end, we came to the conclusion that I could not accept the position as offered. I stressed over this because I have such a strong committment to my staff and our clients. I truly felt the Lord had called me to that position, but at the same time I knew He had not called me to that particular offer. It was incredibly scary, but once I realized that I needed to accept the possibility that the job might not be mine and to trust in the Lord over the outcome, I was able to confidently maintain the position my husband and I had decided upon.
Never have I been so nervous. I had peace that the Lord would work through whatever would happen, but I wanted badly to be able to maintain my integrity and present my position in a professional manner as I negotiated different terms. As always (with prayer of others and faith) the Lord came through and allowed the talk with my superior to go well and I was able to accept the position on acceptable terms for both parties. I have now become responsible for an entire business...
Even as I write those words, I cannot fathom what they mean. The responsibility of my new position is overwhelming. Not overwhelming in a stressful way, but I can barely comprehend what it means. I'm not sure I am capable of comprehending it all. My life is about to change in a radical way. Is it a good change for me and my family? Will my career overwhelm my role as wife and mother? To be honest, I can answer the second question easily. My father may claim this is a 'theological' answer, but it is fact:
If I remain focused on the Lord, He will equip me to be the woman He has called me to be in all areas, professionally and personally. It isn't my job to figure out how. It is my job to simply remain humble and seek Christ first above all things. It is His job to equip me and lead me. I pray that I will remain faithful to Him.
Matthew 25:21
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness."
Faithful with a few things by the grace of God. By the grace of God, may I be faithful with many.
The week before Christmas I was presented with a job offer for the position I have interimed. It required a lot of thought and prayer. Both my husband and I spent a lot of time discussing what was best for our family. In the end, we came to the conclusion that I could not accept the position as offered. I stressed over this because I have such a strong committment to my staff and our clients. I truly felt the Lord had called me to that position, but at the same time I knew He had not called me to that particular offer. It was incredibly scary, but once I realized that I needed to accept the possibility that the job might not be mine and to trust in the Lord over the outcome, I was able to confidently maintain the position my husband and I had decided upon.
Never have I been so nervous. I had peace that the Lord would work through whatever would happen, but I wanted badly to be able to maintain my integrity and present my position in a professional manner as I negotiated different terms. As always (with prayer of others and faith) the Lord came through and allowed the talk with my superior to go well and I was able to accept the position on acceptable terms for both parties. I have now become responsible for an entire business...
Even as I write those words, I cannot fathom what they mean. The responsibility of my new position is overwhelming. Not overwhelming in a stressful way, but I can barely comprehend what it means. I'm not sure I am capable of comprehending it all. My life is about to change in a radical way. Is it a good change for me and my family? Will my career overwhelm my role as wife and mother? To be honest, I can answer the second question easily. My father may claim this is a 'theological' answer, but it is fact:
If I remain focused on the Lord, He will equip me to be the woman He has called me to be in all areas, professionally and personally. It isn't my job to figure out how. It is my job to simply remain humble and seek Christ first above all things. It is His job to equip me and lead me. I pray that I will remain faithful to Him.
Matthew 25:21
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness."
Faithful with a few things by the grace of God. By the grace of God, may I be faithful with many.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Life Update
I can't believe how long it has been since I last wrote! My life has virtually been turned upside down at work...in a good way, I think...we'll see.
Instead of interviewing for my boss's position, I was given the job as an interim and I am now living out a 2-month long interview trying to stay true to myself and to the Lord as I hope my actions are a showing what I am capable of. It has been a month of pure and utter chaos thus far. I am grateful for my admin. assistant who has risen above and beyond the call of her job description and has been a true helper for me. We are a great team and we get along beautifully. Many times we have spent afternoons or mornings in prayer, shared our stress and concerns only to watch the Lord orchestrate the answer to our prayers without our involvement. God is a good, good God. Each day seems to bring a new challenge and these challenges are not ones I would expect to face. Most of them are rare to the business, but are all happening in a very short time frame. I feel confident in the Lord's provision and the way I have handled things. I have definitely made mistakes, but I also know that He has been equipping me for each new challenge that comes along. And that fact is what fills me with peace about this chaos around me.
On the home front, we are busily preparing for the winter season, allbeit a bit delayed. After purchasing the supplies and furniture to update our bathroom two-years ago (installation delayed by my hubby's health issues), we are nearly finished with the updates! Hurray! My husband has started taking injections instead of the topical gel he was using and his quality of life has much improved and as a result, so has life for our whole family! He has more energy and is typically in better spirits on a more regular basis than before. I got to give him the first at-home injection and it was kinda cool. Now he does them himself. I always thought I would never want to be in the medical field because of my extreme dislike for needles, but now I know that my dislike for needles is only skin deep....literally! LOL! We also got a goldendoodle puppy since I last wrote. She is adorable and so much fun. She has a calm and sweet personality (for a puppy), but definitely needs to work off energy before we leave her alone during the day! I am looking forward to the end of the potty training period...it could be a while.
Instead of interviewing for my boss's position, I was given the job as an interim and I am now living out a 2-month long interview trying to stay true to myself and to the Lord as I hope my actions are a showing what I am capable of. It has been a month of pure and utter chaos thus far. I am grateful for my admin. assistant who has risen above and beyond the call of her job description and has been a true helper for me. We are a great team and we get along beautifully. Many times we have spent afternoons or mornings in prayer, shared our stress and concerns only to watch the Lord orchestrate the answer to our prayers without our involvement. God is a good, good God. Each day seems to bring a new challenge and these challenges are not ones I would expect to face. Most of them are rare to the business, but are all happening in a very short time frame. I feel confident in the Lord's provision and the way I have handled things. I have definitely made mistakes, but I also know that He has been equipping me for each new challenge that comes along. And that fact is what fills me with peace about this chaos around me.
On the home front, we are busily preparing for the winter season, allbeit a bit delayed. After purchasing the supplies and furniture to update our bathroom two-years ago (installation delayed by my hubby's health issues), we are nearly finished with the updates! Hurray! My husband has started taking injections instead of the topical gel he was using and his quality of life has much improved and as a result, so has life for our whole family! He has more energy and is typically in better spirits on a more regular basis than before. I got to give him the first at-home injection and it was kinda cool. Now he does them himself. I always thought I would never want to be in the medical field because of my extreme dislike for needles, but now I know that my dislike for needles is only skin deep....literally! LOL! We also got a goldendoodle puppy since I last wrote. She is adorable and so much fun. She has a calm and sweet personality (for a puppy), but definitely needs to work off energy before we leave her alone during the day! I am looking forward to the end of the potty training period...it could be a while.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Nine month check-up Come and Gone
Life has been so busy lately, that I didn't even blog about my husband's 9 month check up. It was a good visit. Still in remission, praise the Lord!
Doctor visits are now mostly just follow up and maintenance. The first medication we tried he was developing a reaction to and his hormone levels were still too low. So, now we get to try a new medication in the form of an injection. I hope it helps and is easy to find the right dosage. The low levels cause low energy and varied emotions which can be frustrating for him and for me.
We did learn that the researchers for his cancer are beginning to loosen up on the follow-up requirements. There is a possibility that we will only need an x-ray at his 1 year visit instead of a CT scan. I would prefer to have the scan. When he the recurrence happened, it was the CT scan that found it, not the x-ray. I don't carry much trust in x-rays...but doctors are supposed to know best.
Sometimes I think of the people who have dealt with cancer and choose to actively seek further support and research for cures. I'm not one of those people. I don't like living near those memories. They are full of pain and sorrow. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the growth in my faith and the close bonds it created as we lived moment by moment and day by day. I still think I am "dealing" with everything we went through. Discovering what I think and feel about the things we have survived. Moving on after cancer is different. Not necessarily difficult, but not easy either. Life never goes back to the normal it once was. We have a new normal. My youngest still asks God to help Daddy's surgery get better in almost every prayer. She knows it is a scar that he'll always have, but she has the routine of praying for her daddy's health in that way. I wonder when that prayer will change. My view of life isn't as carefree anymore. I know it can all be changed in a heartbeat. I strive consistently to make every moment as great as possible.
Doctor visits are now mostly just follow up and maintenance. The first medication we tried he was developing a reaction to and his hormone levels were still too low. So, now we get to try a new medication in the form of an injection. I hope it helps and is easy to find the right dosage. The low levels cause low energy and varied emotions which can be frustrating for him and for me.
We did learn that the researchers for his cancer are beginning to loosen up on the follow-up requirements. There is a possibility that we will only need an x-ray at his 1 year visit instead of a CT scan. I would prefer to have the scan. When he the recurrence happened, it was the CT scan that found it, not the x-ray. I don't carry much trust in x-rays...but doctors are supposed to know best.
Sometimes I think of the people who have dealt with cancer and choose to actively seek further support and research for cures. I'm not one of those people. I don't like living near those memories. They are full of pain and sorrow. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the growth in my faith and the close bonds it created as we lived moment by moment and day by day. I still think I am "dealing" with everything we went through. Discovering what I think and feel about the things we have survived. Moving on after cancer is different. Not necessarily difficult, but not easy either. Life never goes back to the normal it once was. We have a new normal. My youngest still asks God to help Daddy's surgery get better in almost every prayer. She knows it is a scar that he'll always have, but she has the routine of praying for her daddy's health in that way. I wonder when that prayer will change. My view of life isn't as carefree anymore. I know it can all be changed in a heartbeat. I strive consistently to make every moment as great as possible.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Learning little lessons one at a time.
Life has been incredibly busy. My boss is retiring and I am one of the candidates to move into her position. The bad thing is that since I'm the only candidate from within the company I feel like every move I make is part of a living interview that isn't going to end for another month or more. God has been good to me, guiding me and revealing things I need to know about myself and how I choose to act. I have a lot of insecurities that have surfaced, but I am also very aware of them for what they are. I am learning a lot, which I like, but it isn't always a fun process either. The Lord has been here with me, listening to my groanings and providing for my needs. Life is overwhelming. As I am living this interview I am doing my own job and also being given the opportunity to take on the role of the position I have applied for. God has revealed a lot of what my strengths and weaknesses are. I have prayed that His will would be done. I am a willing servant, but I only desire His will because He knows best. I don't know for sure that this position is definitely where God wants me. I have stepped through one open door and await His leading to either close or open more doors in this process. The one thing I know is that this position requires more than what I am on my own. It requires submission and reliance on the presence of God to work His way in our company.
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