My job can be overwhelming. Suddenly I am a leader. I make decisions all day, every day. I lack experience and although I'm learning as I go, I truly long for someone who could give me guidance, someone with experience to bounce ideas off of.
I just pray that the Lord will show me what to do. Teach me what I need to know, to give me discernment and courage to uphold my boundaries and be brutally honest and direct if I have to be to maintain my boundaries.
Leading is so complicated. I can't say I'd ever choose this position on my own. Life will never be easy I'm afraid.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Always Learning
This past month has been a whirlwind of activity. Being a leader -or rather, becoming a leader -is such a growing process. I am constantly facing challenges that I have never faced before. My plate is full and overflowing with the many tasks that I am responsible for. There is literally not enough time in the day to accomplish it all. Decisions that must be made in split second reactions, choosing my words, which tasks to prioritize and give attention to and which to save for another day. I can have a terrible draining day and an encouraging exciting day all in the same day just depending on the events that occur. I have clients who I must answer to, not only concerning the care provided to their children or the way that the business is run, but also answers to how to be better parents and to increase their understanding of their children. I have teachers who look to me for guidance, direction, techniques and answers in challenging children, running their classrooms, working together and with parents. I have superiors in the financial realm, in the overall operations, in the medical field, in the state government rules and regulations, etc. etc. etc. The list never ends...or at least I don't want to know how long it could go!
And somehow, in all the chaos, all the personal insecurities I face, God has remained faithful and steadfast. I can honestly report that I am living proof that God equips and provides. That God uses the foolish and the weak to accomplish His glory. I simply can't take credit for the ways things have worked out. I take credit for my failures, for the many mistakes and learning curves I am living. I have seen the Lord work out so many seemingly destructive situations into blessings and growth for the company, for my staff, clients, and myself. God is good. Period.
And somehow, in all the chaos, all the personal insecurities I face, God has remained faithful and steadfast. I can honestly report that I am living proof that God equips and provides. That God uses the foolish and the weak to accomplish His glory. I simply can't take credit for the ways things have worked out. I take credit for my failures, for the many mistakes and learning curves I am living. I have seen the Lord work out so many seemingly destructive situations into blessings and growth for the company, for my staff, clients, and myself. God is good. Period.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Reflecting on Cancer
My hubby's port removal went very well. It is mostly healed now and he is relieved to have the weight of caring for his port removed. Having it gone is changing my perspective. It helps me take a little step away from the mental stress of cancer. I can now hug my husband without feeling the pressure of the port on my cheek. Now I only feel the comfort and strength of his arms. It's the little things, always the little things that make the difference.
With the new year I have to learn a new way of speaking about our experience with cancer. It's no longer last year, it is now "two years ago..." Another small thing, but the more often I say those words, the easier it is to imagine myself saying, "three years ago, four years ago..." Is it truly possible that one day cancer will be just a distant memory of the past? Lord willing, I hope so!
Unfortunately cancer isn't far away. My friend is again facing a possible recurrance and waiting on her test results. Two managers I know are praying for someone close to them: one has an employee who is facing potential breast cancer and another has a loved one with an inoperable tumor. Having gone through it, I have a better sensitivity and compassion for those who are living with this word in their daily lives. God is definitely using the lessons he taught me to be an encouragement for others and it also seems to help me remain humble because I know just how quickly life can change. There is no cocky illusion that somehow I am protected from pain or sickness. I am much more grateful for the blessings God has given me.
With the new year I have to learn a new way of speaking about our experience with cancer. It's no longer last year, it is now "two years ago..." Another small thing, but the more often I say those words, the easier it is to imagine myself saying, "three years ago, four years ago..." Is it truly possible that one day cancer will be just a distant memory of the past? Lord willing, I hope so!
Unfortunately cancer isn't far away. My friend is again facing a possible recurrance and waiting on her test results. Two managers I know are praying for someone close to them: one has an employee who is facing potential breast cancer and another has a loved one with an inoperable tumor. Having gone through it, I have a better sensitivity and compassion for those who are living with this word in their daily lives. God is definitely using the lessons he taught me to be an encouragement for others and it also seems to help me remain humble because I know just how quickly life can change. There is no cocky illusion that somehow I am protected from pain or sickness. I am much more grateful for the blessings God has given me.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
New Surgery
Tomorrow my hubby has an extremely minor surgery to remove the port that has been his support throughout the many blood draws, infusions, and IV medications. It is so minor that his surgeon is going to do it in clinic. This is really good news in the perspective of how well remission has gone since chemo.
Moving past the time for concern in the medical world of recurring cancer is pretty neat, if not a little surreal. This week marks the two year anniversary that the lump was found that started our journey. It's a little hard to fathom that it has been that long. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I can remember so much of the emotions of that year, many of them still a little raw below the surface. It is still hard for my husband to talk about his perspective of living with cancer.
I'm glad for the news that the doctor's think we won't need the port anymore. Yet as I write this I hesitate to be happy about it. I still worry about troubles with doing the blood work in the future, and I don't know if I will ever fully trust that the cancer is gone for good. I trust it is gone for now. I wonder if other cancer survivors feel the same way.
Moving past the time for concern in the medical world of recurring cancer is pretty neat, if not a little surreal. This week marks the two year anniversary that the lump was found that started our journey. It's a little hard to fathom that it has been that long. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I can remember so much of the emotions of that year, many of them still a little raw below the surface. It is still hard for my husband to talk about his perspective of living with cancer.
I'm glad for the news that the doctor's think we won't need the port anymore. Yet as I write this I hesitate to be happy about it. I still worry about troubles with doing the blood work in the future, and I don't know if I will ever fully trust that the cancer is gone for good. I trust it is gone for now. I wonder if other cancer survivors feel the same way.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Growing
My second week in my new position was a definite week of blessings. I learned lessons and the Lord helped me to let go of the little failures and focus on the growth of each day.
Learning to be a leader and the big decision-maker is such a challenge. I know there was a concern with my ability to be strong in this role and I understand it. But to be responsible for a business, employees, and clients, I cannot be a leader if I cannot do the hard things along with the fun. If a leader runs away from the hard parts, that leader fails the business, the employees and the clients.
For me, the difficulty isn't in making the difficult decisions, it is having to communicate that decision for the party that gets the bad news. My heart is to deliver these messages in a godly, loving, and professional manner that is clear and concise. I'm not always successful, definitely I will be learning through each circumstance that comes my way. I am excited that I am learning and I can make mistakes and learn from them and use those lessons to have positive experiences in the next situation that comes along.
The other thing I am finding is that God has enabled me to have more of a blance between the role of leader at work and wife/mother at home. They are two completely different arenas and it really helps me to have a bigger separation. At home I am the support, the helper, not the decision-maker. It is almost a relief to come home and not have the weight of that responsibility on my shoulders. I am enjoying life more. God is good.
Learning to be a leader and the big decision-maker is such a challenge. I know there was a concern with my ability to be strong in this role and I understand it. But to be responsible for a business, employees, and clients, I cannot be a leader if I cannot do the hard things along with the fun. If a leader runs away from the hard parts, that leader fails the business, the employees and the clients.
For me, the difficulty isn't in making the difficult decisions, it is having to communicate that decision for the party that gets the bad news. My heart is to deliver these messages in a godly, loving, and professional manner that is clear and concise. I'm not always successful, definitely I will be learning through each circumstance that comes my way. I am excited that I am learning and I can make mistakes and learn from them and use those lessons to have positive experiences in the next situation that comes along.
The other thing I am finding is that God has enabled me to have more of a blance between the role of leader at work and wife/mother at home. They are two completely different arenas and it really helps me to have a bigger separation. At home I am the support, the helper, not the decision-maker. It is almost a relief to come home and not have the weight of that responsibility on my shoulders. I am enjoying life more. God is good.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Spiritual Growth: Here and Now
I officially started my new job this week. After months of being in limbo and weeks of being half moved between offices, today was the first day that I felt settled. The moving isn't complete, but I have what I need to do the daily tasks.
Spiritually after such a high in my last post, I am going through a bit of a struggle. Our pastor suggested a fasting period to start out the new year, not necessarily a food fast, but a fast of giving up something to spend time with the Lord on a regular basis. I chose to fast from something that I knew would be hard to do and I have to admit I haven't been very successful. The Lord has definitely been convicting my heart and showing me where I need to step it up in my committment to Him. I haven't decreased my normal time with Him, but I feel Him telling me that our relationship cannot reach the next level if I am not willing to surrender and commit to Him in the harder things.
I know that the act of surrender and self-sacrifice for the Lord may seem like I am de-valuing/ sacrificing myself...in a way it is. What kind of relationship lasts if one person isn't willing to sacrifice part of themselves for the other? I know I am in need of continued growth. In fact, I long for continued maturity and a closer relationship with the Lord. I long to live continually in His presence and to live in His embrace. My flesh resists this and tries to convince me that it isn't worth the reward, even though I know otherwise. My prayer is that the Lord will keep my perspective in check, that I will not take advantage of Him or devalue Him. What a travesty that would be! Who am I to say that a few moments of my time are greater than giving a few moments to Him? How dare I even think such a thing? I have done such a thing. And I regret it. I know I have missed greater things for a few moments of selfishness.
The positive in this is that the Lord doesn't keep a record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13). He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. We can trust Him to forgive and continue to love us and to be absolutely thrilled in the moments we choose to spend with Him going forward. He isn't standing there saying, "Just think of what you have missed or where you could be if you..." He is standing there rejoicing in the choice that we have made to spend time with Him here and now.
Spiritually after such a high in my last post, I am going through a bit of a struggle. Our pastor suggested a fasting period to start out the new year, not necessarily a food fast, but a fast of giving up something to spend time with the Lord on a regular basis. I chose to fast from something that I knew would be hard to do and I have to admit I haven't been very successful. The Lord has definitely been convicting my heart and showing me where I need to step it up in my committment to Him. I haven't decreased my normal time with Him, but I feel Him telling me that our relationship cannot reach the next level if I am not willing to surrender and commit to Him in the harder things.
I know that the act of surrender and self-sacrifice for the Lord may seem like I am de-valuing/ sacrificing myself...in a way it is. What kind of relationship lasts if one person isn't willing to sacrifice part of themselves for the other? I know I am in need of continued growth. In fact, I long for continued maturity and a closer relationship with the Lord. I long to live continually in His presence and to live in His embrace. My flesh resists this and tries to convince me that it isn't worth the reward, even though I know otherwise. My prayer is that the Lord will keep my perspective in check, that I will not take advantage of Him or devalue Him. What a travesty that would be! Who am I to say that a few moments of my time are greater than giving a few moments to Him? How dare I even think such a thing? I have done such a thing. And I regret it. I know I have missed greater things for a few moments of selfishness.
The positive in this is that the Lord doesn't keep a record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13). He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. We can trust Him to forgive and continue to love us and to be absolutely thrilled in the moments we choose to spend with Him going forward. He isn't standing there saying, "Just think of what you have missed or where you could be if you..." He is standing there rejoicing in the choice that we have made to spend time with Him here and now.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Faithful with little
Another month has gone by and a new year is begun. Time slips away it seems, but not without impact. Professionally, I continued to face challenges this past month during my interim 'interview', but by the grace of God, He has carried me through. Almost literally. Sometimes I feel totally disconnected from the events of daily life at work. I am using my giftings and following His lead. The outcome of events can only be from the Lord. It feels nearly too good to be true, but I know that I am resting in His arms and following His will. I only pray my human nature doesn't fail Him.
The week before Christmas I was presented with a job offer for the position I have interimed. It required a lot of thought and prayer. Both my husband and I spent a lot of time discussing what was best for our family. In the end, we came to the conclusion that I could not accept the position as offered. I stressed over this because I have such a strong committment to my staff and our clients. I truly felt the Lord had called me to that position, but at the same time I knew He had not called me to that particular offer. It was incredibly scary, but once I realized that I needed to accept the possibility that the job might not be mine and to trust in the Lord over the outcome, I was able to confidently maintain the position my husband and I had decided upon.
Never have I been so nervous. I had peace that the Lord would work through whatever would happen, but I wanted badly to be able to maintain my integrity and present my position in a professional manner as I negotiated different terms. As always (with prayer of others and faith) the Lord came through and allowed the talk with my superior to go well and I was able to accept the position on acceptable terms for both parties. I have now become responsible for an entire business...
Even as I write those words, I cannot fathom what they mean. The responsibility of my new position is overwhelming. Not overwhelming in a stressful way, but I can barely comprehend what it means. I'm not sure I am capable of comprehending it all. My life is about to change in a radical way. Is it a good change for me and my family? Will my career overwhelm my role as wife and mother? To be honest, I can answer the second question easily. My father may claim this is a 'theological' answer, but it is fact:
If I remain focused on the Lord, He will equip me to be the woman He has called me to be in all areas, professionally and personally. It isn't my job to figure out how. It is my job to simply remain humble and seek Christ first above all things. It is His job to equip me and lead me. I pray that I will remain faithful to Him.
Matthew 25:21
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness."
Faithful with a few things by the grace of God. By the grace of God, may I be faithful with many.
The week before Christmas I was presented with a job offer for the position I have interimed. It required a lot of thought and prayer. Both my husband and I spent a lot of time discussing what was best for our family. In the end, we came to the conclusion that I could not accept the position as offered. I stressed over this because I have such a strong committment to my staff and our clients. I truly felt the Lord had called me to that position, but at the same time I knew He had not called me to that particular offer. It was incredibly scary, but once I realized that I needed to accept the possibility that the job might not be mine and to trust in the Lord over the outcome, I was able to confidently maintain the position my husband and I had decided upon.
Never have I been so nervous. I had peace that the Lord would work through whatever would happen, but I wanted badly to be able to maintain my integrity and present my position in a professional manner as I negotiated different terms. As always (with prayer of others and faith) the Lord came through and allowed the talk with my superior to go well and I was able to accept the position on acceptable terms for both parties. I have now become responsible for an entire business...
Even as I write those words, I cannot fathom what they mean. The responsibility of my new position is overwhelming. Not overwhelming in a stressful way, but I can barely comprehend what it means. I'm not sure I am capable of comprehending it all. My life is about to change in a radical way. Is it a good change for me and my family? Will my career overwhelm my role as wife and mother? To be honest, I can answer the second question easily. My father may claim this is a 'theological' answer, but it is fact:
If I remain focused on the Lord, He will equip me to be the woman He has called me to be in all areas, professionally and personally. It isn't my job to figure out how. It is my job to simply remain humble and seek Christ first above all things. It is His job to equip me and lead me. I pray that I will remain faithful to Him.
Matthew 25:21
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness."
Faithful with a few things by the grace of God. By the grace of God, may I be faithful with many.
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