Life continues to be an overwhelming balance of survival and striving to get ahead...to improve with each roll of the waves that push backwards as life moves forward. This week was a challenging one. At work we had two nights of a first-time event. I would deem it successful, but also a learning process. I worked a good 50 hours this week and the mind-numbing exhaustion is pulling at me.
At home it was another challenge to keep up with the housework...well, we didn't keep up. My hubby's medication is on a nationwide shortage and his energy was an all time low since chemo. He'd come home from work and take a two hour nap. One night he fell asleep during dinner. Thankfully he was able to get his prescription today so I am hopeful for a relaxing and restful weekend.
Through it all I am again learning to continue to rely on my Lord. Seeking Him and trusting in His promises and faithfulness brings a comfort and a peace to the chaos of my life right now. I have the thought that I am still not as moldable as the Lord would prefer me to be in the ministry He has placed me. I am called to be where I am, doing what I'm doing. Of that I am confident. Letting go of the reigns of life to the Lord is something I have always struggled to do. I used to stubbornly clench them in my fists and refuse to let go. Now I find myself unconsciously playing with the reigns in my hands, not intentionally trying to steer my life, but unsure of how to live without a hand on the reigns, I don't quite know what it is to completely let go...and perhaps these struggles are teaching me how, little by little. Walking in faith is so much more difficult when you can't let go of yourself, your hurts, and your self-trust.
It was surprising to discover how deep wounds can go. I knew it stressed me to think of talking to the person who hurt me, but when I did, I just wasn't able to do more than formalities. The hurt was too strong to try to talk without showing it was difficult. This person wants to maintain our former friendship and I just don't know if it is possible. I don't think I harbor any anger or hard feelings. I just can't pretend everything is okay and there hasn't been a good opportunity to hash out what happened to see if the relationship can be repaired.
On the plus side, the Lord continues to show His faithfulness. Even though this struggle feels overwhelming, I am surrounded by great support and my children are happy and we are continuing to improve being WITH each other. My hubby and I are continuing to grow together as a couple and as parents. God is Good. ALL the time. No matter what.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Spiritual High
Heavenly Father I give all of me to you. Move in my life and I will follow. Your humble servant, I earnestly seek you and wait on you. You are Almighty God and you and you alone know me, know my heart, and know my path. Encourage and uplift me. Enable me to be a light, to be a lamp shining your light. I praise you and I am filled with gratitude for your faithfulness, your understanding and your compassion. In your Son's name, Amen.
Here I am, barely a three weeks after I first learned of the pending changes in our administration at work. I have felt every type of emotion in this circumstance. It was obvious as events played out that this circumstance was orchestrated by God. I didn't understand what He was doing. I couldn't rationalize what had occurred to cause these events, but yet they were happening and it was somehow God's purpose and His will for me.
This process of saying goodbye...to a loved co-worker, to a way of doing things, and to whatever understanding I had of what God was doing...was difficult. There were feelings of betrayal, feelings of discouragement, self-doubt, helplessness, and overwhelming responsibilities to be sorted out. Knowing that God's hand was directing it all brought a measure of comfort and reminded me to "Let Go and Let God". I did let go, as much as I humanly could and I pray that He will enable me to grow stronger and better through this.
Today ends our first week as a duo in the office. It has been increasingly encouraging. We are able to handle much more with less stress than I originally thought we could. Yes, I'm still behind in work, yet considering what we've come through, we are doing quite well. The stress level has actually decreased.
On the home front, my prayers are changing perspective. I noticed that in my journals I often pray wearing hats. Specifically prayers as a mom and prayers as a working woman in authority. Now I am striving to pray as just me. A woman after God's own heart no matter what hat she is wearing. I want God to make me complete...as complete as I can be while still here on earth. It is nice to not be feeling that the waves of life are overtaking me any more. It's still a rough sea to navigate, but with the Lord's help I feel safe and secure in Him.
Here I am, barely a three weeks after I first learned of the pending changes in our administration at work. I have felt every type of emotion in this circumstance. It was obvious as events played out that this circumstance was orchestrated by God. I didn't understand what He was doing. I couldn't rationalize what had occurred to cause these events, but yet they were happening and it was somehow God's purpose and His will for me.
This process of saying goodbye...to a loved co-worker, to a way of doing things, and to whatever understanding I had of what God was doing...was difficult. There were feelings of betrayal, feelings of discouragement, self-doubt, helplessness, and overwhelming responsibilities to be sorted out. Knowing that God's hand was directing it all brought a measure of comfort and reminded me to "Let Go and Let God". I did let go, as much as I humanly could and I pray that He will enable me to grow stronger and better through this.
Today ends our first week as a duo in the office. It has been increasingly encouraging. We are able to handle much more with less stress than I originally thought we could. Yes, I'm still behind in work, yet considering what we've come through, we are doing quite well. The stress level has actually decreased.
On the home front, my prayers are changing perspective. I noticed that in my journals I often pray wearing hats. Specifically prayers as a mom and prayers as a working woman in authority. Now I am striving to pray as just me. A woman after God's own heart no matter what hat she is wearing. I want God to make me complete...as complete as I can be while still here on earth. It is nice to not be feeling that the waves of life are overtaking me any more. It's still a rough sea to navigate, but with the Lord's help I feel safe and secure in Him.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Therapy
Writing this blog can be therapeutic. I've been wanting to blog the last week, but haven't quite known what to write, just that my emotions were strong and not always easy to understand.
We had a guest preacher at church tonight. He spoke in the TV preacher characteristic way, lots of emphasis on words and carefully thought out points, a well written speech. Our normal pastor is much more easy flowing and allows the Holy Spirit to speak through him spontaneously and as a result sermons tend to be much more natural and real from the heart. Even though it was odd to listen to this sermon's sound and rhythm, the message was good.
It was about how the storms in our lives and how their purpose is to draw us closer to Christ. It was about how we are not spared from suffering, but that suffering in our lives is part of what helps us to grow and mature. When we are in a time of suffering, we need to be allowing it to draw us closer to the Lord rather than to crush our spirit.
I am definitely in a time of suffering, a storm of life so to speak. Being challenged, being broken, being stretched.
We had a guest preacher at church tonight. He spoke in the TV preacher characteristic way, lots of emphasis on words and carefully thought out points, a well written speech. Our normal pastor is much more easy flowing and allows the Holy Spirit to speak through him spontaneously and as a result sermons tend to be much more natural and real from the heart. Even though it was odd to listen to this sermon's sound and rhythm, the message was good.
It was about how the storms in our lives and how their purpose is to draw us closer to Christ. It was about how we are not spared from suffering, but that suffering in our lives is part of what helps us to grow and mature. When we are in a time of suffering, we need to be allowing it to draw us closer to the Lord rather than to crush our spirit.
I am definitely in a time of suffering, a storm of life so to speak. Being challenged, being broken, being stretched.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Topsy-Turvy Again
Got the shocker of my life on my first day back to work. One of my teammates in the office turned in her resignation. I'm going to miss her greatly and it is going to be a big adjustment in the roles the other two of us in the office play. For everything there is a season and our season of working together is done.
Her departure is demanding a restructure in how our administration is run. Both myself and my remaining teammate are increasing our workloads to compensate. Part of me is excited for the challenge. Another part of me is starting to feel overwhelmed. And part of me is concerned about our ability to keep up. And then the last part is the sadness and disappointment in the situation itself. I can't expect someone to be something they are not and obviously God is making some changes in His business.
This past year of being the boss and managing a million-dollar business has been such a rollercoaster. I wonder if things will ever reach a steadier pace. I questioned what I could have done better or different that would have helped the situation, but there isn't much and even the things I have thought of probably would not have made the difference. Her history at our place of work has unfortunately been entwined with drama and gossip from the staff. Perhaps this will calm some of that down. We've never been known to be gossipers and naysayers, but especially this last year things have been down a rough road.
I'm told that a change in leadership always brings about testing from the employees and atypical behavior as everyone learns what the change means for them. I've definitely seen it. I'm doing my best and for the most part I am at peace with my choices. I haven't done anything perfectly and there are areas I am working on.
Her departure is demanding a restructure in how our administration is run. Both myself and my remaining teammate are increasing our workloads to compensate. Part of me is excited for the challenge. Another part of me is starting to feel overwhelmed. And part of me is concerned about our ability to keep up. And then the last part is the sadness and disappointment in the situation itself. I can't expect someone to be something they are not and obviously God is making some changes in His business.
This past year of being the boss and managing a million-dollar business has been such a rollercoaster. I wonder if things will ever reach a steadier pace. I questioned what I could have done better or different that would have helped the situation, but there isn't much and even the things I have thought of probably would not have made the difference. Her history at our place of work has unfortunately been entwined with drama and gossip from the staff. Perhaps this will calm some of that down. We've never been known to be gossipers and naysayers, but especially this last year things have been down a rough road.
I'm told that a change in leadership always brings about testing from the employees and atypical behavior as everyone learns what the change means for them. I've definitely seen it. I'm doing my best and for the most part I am at peace with my choices. I haven't done anything perfectly and there are areas I am working on.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Vacation!
The last several days have been a short vacation for my family and I! There just happened to be a gap of 3 days where there was no summer camp and school didn't start yet so we all took the time off to just be a family. It was a real blessing!
We spent a lot of time together just being at home and made a few special trips out to see the sights of our city. Our family went bowling for the first time, played mini-golf for the first time, and made a visit to the local Dinosaur Exhibit. My kids and I also went on some nice evening walks to the park. Spending time together is the best.
I was also able to get quite a bit done around the house since putz-ing is my version of relaxing. I don't do "nothing" very well. I have to be doing something, even if that means sorting through clutter or rearranging a room. Half of my bedroom is clear and vacuumed, the living room is clean and vacuumed, and I rearranged our multipurpose room.
I finally got onto Pinterest after hearing people rave about it for the past several months. I don't really see why it is such a big draw to be honest. Yes, it has lots of neat things on it, but I'm too practical to waste my time dreaming. I "pin" recipes I want to try, ideas for improving the home that I may use in the future, ideas of activities and projects to do with the kids, and then organizing ideas that I have actually put into use and accomplished. The only catch is, there is a small cost involved with most of the organization ideas to purchase the supplies to get them done. Nothing that I don't mind spending money on and nothing is very expensive, but it can frustrate me to have to wait to implement a good idea. I don't like waiting when I have the time to do something, but can't become a spending freak to accomplish my goals. So I wait. Sometimes I also have to get my hubby's permission (or his help) and what I love may or may not be what he loves...most of the time he doesn't care either way as long as my changes don't effect his routine. :)
My work full-day meeting went well. There were those that moaned and groaned about the new changes, but they all understood the purpose behind it. God was there and the presentation my co-worker did on Exchange Life Ministries was pretty good. I think it helped make what it means to be a Christian more understandable.
We spent a lot of time together just being at home and made a few special trips out to see the sights of our city. Our family went bowling for the first time, played mini-golf for the first time, and made a visit to the local Dinosaur Exhibit. My kids and I also went on some nice evening walks to the park. Spending time together is the best.
I was also able to get quite a bit done around the house since putz-ing is my version of relaxing. I don't do "nothing" very well. I have to be doing something, even if that means sorting through clutter or rearranging a room. Half of my bedroom is clear and vacuumed, the living room is clean and vacuumed, and I rearranged our multipurpose room.
I finally got onto Pinterest after hearing people rave about it for the past several months. I don't really see why it is such a big draw to be honest. Yes, it has lots of neat things on it, but I'm too practical to waste my time dreaming. I "pin" recipes I want to try, ideas for improving the home that I may use in the future, ideas of activities and projects to do with the kids, and then organizing ideas that I have actually put into use and accomplished. The only catch is, there is a small cost involved with most of the organization ideas to purchase the supplies to get them done. Nothing that I don't mind spending money on and nothing is very expensive, but it can frustrate me to have to wait to implement a good idea. I don't like waiting when I have the time to do something, but can't become a spending freak to accomplish my goals. So I wait. Sometimes I also have to get my hubby's permission (or his help) and what I love may or may not be what he loves...most of the time he doesn't care either way as long as my changes don't effect his routine. :)
My work full-day meeting went well. There were those that moaned and groaned about the new changes, but they all understood the purpose behind it. God was there and the presentation my co-worker did on Exchange Life Ministries was pretty good. I think it helped make what it means to be a Christian more understandable.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Another Spiritual Test coming up!
This Friday is yet another full-day meeting at work. The last one of the year until next spring. I don't feel nearly as stressed in preparation for it since I have been preparing pretty much the last several weeks already, but there is still much to do. You can pray that not only does it go as God leads, but that I don't get stuck under oppression afterwards.
My workplace is about to undergo a very big change in how things are done. It's a relief to me that I am not the one causing the change, although I will be the one to usher it in. Our state regulations are changing and getting more strict. It will help our program quality increase, but will also force the staff to have to be more accountable and that might be uncomfortable for them.
My stress level is decreasing at the moment. Some of the changes that I had requested permission for from my superiors were granted and that helps to relieve the workload that was sitting on my shoulders! This first year in this job is just one huge adjustment after another in working to create a smooth-flowing administration and a better experience for both our staff and clients. I am doing a better job of turning off my phone/text/emails at night to focus on being present at home, and not taking work with me when I do take breaks at work. It has also helped that my administration team has been able to start sharing more of the work load. I rearranged the tasks and did my best to assign them to each person's strengths and divide the ones that have a higher difficulty level to be shared tasks. So far it seems to have eased everyone's stress levels and we are all busy accomplishing different tasks!
My workplace is about to undergo a very big change in how things are done. It's a relief to me that I am not the one causing the change, although I will be the one to usher it in. Our state regulations are changing and getting more strict. It will help our program quality increase, but will also force the staff to have to be more accountable and that might be uncomfortable for them.
My stress level is decreasing at the moment. Some of the changes that I had requested permission for from my superiors were granted and that helps to relieve the workload that was sitting on my shoulders! This first year in this job is just one huge adjustment after another in working to create a smooth-flowing administration and a better experience for both our staff and clients. I am doing a better job of turning off my phone/text/emails at night to focus on being present at home, and not taking work with me when I do take breaks at work. It has also helped that my administration team has been able to start sharing more of the work load. I rearranged the tasks and did my best to assign them to each person's strengths and divide the ones that have a higher difficulty level to be shared tasks. So far it seems to have eased everyone's stress levels and we are all busy accomplishing different tasks!
Saturday, August 3, 2013
On the Up and Up
Tonight's worship in church was just the intimacy with God that I needed. It was really refreshing and tonight is probably the first night in a few weeks where there hasn't been some form of depression lingering over me. I like what our Pastor preaches: worship isn't a time where you come to hear the music and let the worship team bring God to you; it is a time for you to come humbly before the Lord seeking Him!
My doctor's appointment went well. I tried a new doctor and I really like her a lot; very easy to talk to. They took some blood work and it turns out that I am physically fine, just overly stressed. It is very strange to think that because many times when I am feeling tired or my body feels nearly asleep (apparently symptoms of stress), I am not feeling stressed. But with the oppression/depression I've been struggling with and knowing the cause of how I feel, I am beginning to recognize it for what it is.
This last week was probably the worst. I have a stressful job. I'm a mom of young children. I'm new in my job position too. A good recipe for struggle. I have to learn how to take care of me. I was telling my husband that I never dreamed I would be the person who needed to seek medical attention for something like stress -after all, I handle stress pretty good, I'm a very strong person...why can't I handle it all? Then my husband gives me a spiritual slap up-side the head and says, "If you could handle it all, you wouldn't need to rely on God." Ouch. Needed to hear that one.
I also found a sentence in James 4:1 "...but endurance must do its complete work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing..."
That hit home for me. Endurance must do its complete work...apparently I'm not done yet. So, deeper into the Word and taking more time outs for myself are in the very near future!
My doctor's appointment went well. I tried a new doctor and I really like her a lot; very easy to talk to. They took some blood work and it turns out that I am physically fine, just overly stressed. It is very strange to think that because many times when I am feeling tired or my body feels nearly asleep (apparently symptoms of stress), I am not feeling stressed. But with the oppression/depression I've been struggling with and knowing the cause of how I feel, I am beginning to recognize it for what it is.
This last week was probably the worst. I have a stressful job. I'm a mom of young children. I'm new in my job position too. A good recipe for struggle. I have to learn how to take care of me. I was telling my husband that I never dreamed I would be the person who needed to seek medical attention for something like stress -after all, I handle stress pretty good, I'm a very strong person...why can't I handle it all? Then my husband gives me a spiritual slap up-side the head and says, "If you could handle it all, you wouldn't need to rely on God." Ouch. Needed to hear that one.
I also found a sentence in James 4:1 "...but endurance must do its complete work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing..."
That hit home for me. Endurance must do its complete work...apparently I'm not done yet. So, deeper into the Word and taking more time outs for myself are in the very near future!
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