A snapshot of this moment

It's been a while since I've blogged.  My blogs have been sporadic and haltingly composed.  Needless to say, I'm going through something on a deeply personal level.  Rather than opening my bleeding heart to the world, I have treasured the silence and mourned the lack of relationship.  This blog allows me to share my heart, but it doesn't develop relationship.  I would say it hinders relationship.

Anywho...I felt like writing for the first time in a while and I'll probably ramble.  I've been in a place where I have been uncertain of how I feel about God.  I can't say that I am mad at Him, although I haven't been very willing to listen for Him either.  I have a frustration somewhere deep and I've been emotionally hurt recently in a way that makes me unwilling to openly trust Him either -even though my head tells me that's a copout.  I grow weary of the struggle spiritually.  Whatever this season might be, or even its purpose -I can't define it right now.  I'm just living through it.  Waiting on God, acknowledging my faults and whatever is going on is how I'm coping.

Physically I am in pain constantly with my neck/shoulders/back.  Physical therapy starts this coming week.  Dealing with the pain is something I can handle even though I find it exasperating.  Resting and not using my muscles is hard to maintain.  I will get to a place where I can last 7 hours without needing pain medications before everything starts stiffening up, but if I begin to use my muscles at all...it takes all that "progress" backwards.  I have a high-level of pain tolerance, especially muscle pain...I gave birth completely naturally twice...it never "hurt" to a point of wanting to give up.  It was just exhausting to accomplish.  I don't want to unwittingly down-play the reality of the injury to doctors.  I just want to know what is going on, and the how's and why's that go with it.  Since this is my first experience with this type of health problem in my own body, I want to understand it.  I hope that the therapist will be able to teach me.

Accident Update

My car is officially a "Total Loss"...I guess between all the birthdays in our family this month we get to shop for a car!  I've been wanting a new car, but never imagined this would be the event to trigger accomplishing it!

Medically, the side effects of the pain reliever was worse than the pain relief so I'm restricted to Tylenol for now.  It temporarily takes the edge off the pain, but doesn't do what the other meds did.  It hurt simply to hold a 5-month old infant in my arms today at work.  Thankfully, much of my job is office work and doesn't require too much lifting.  I can't tell you how frustrating it is not to be able to do the things I used to do so easily.  Instead of clearing out a closet full of bins, I had to wait for the assistance of others.  It isn't what I'm used to and is a real adjustment to realize what I can and can't do right now.

We're still waiting for the insurance companies to work out the liabilities and medical claim portions.  It will probably be another week or so before we hear for sure what the end result will be.  Insurance is nice, but never simple.  Always complicated!

For Mom

Hi, Mom!  I know you read this often.  Sorry I haven't written much lately.

The car accident was four days ago.  Only two business days though, so I am still waiting to see what the insurance inspection of my car determines.  The guesstimate is that it is a "total loss" and then hopefully the other insurance company will accept liability and we'll make a settlement for the car and injuries.

If they find it repairable, it becomes a decision of how much it would cost to repair vs. potentially getting a new car anyway.  The good news is that it was already paid off.

The kids seem okay.  Your oldest granddaughter enjoyed being the center of attention at school sharing her story with the class at school and answering questions from her peers about all she experienced.  The highlights seem to be the accident with my window breaking and the car tire falling off, riding in a police cruiser, and meeting the firemen.

She seems to be doing well, but still complaining of a bit of a headache in quiet moments.  Might call her doc tomorrow about that.  It doesn't hinder her from normal activities though, that's a good sign.

Your youngest granddaughter got her teacher to give her a Band-Aid over the bruise she has from her seatbelt.  A Band-Aid worn quite proudly too.  :0)

My muscles remain quite sore when I'm not on pain meds, but I've been resting and not using them too much so they will hopefully heal sooner rather than later.  The hardest part is waiting for everything.  Waiting to hear from insurance companies.  Waiting for the pain to stop.  Wondering what the next step is going to be.  It's no fun to be waiting.  Love you!

Rough Patch

Been learning things along the way these past several weeks. 

I made a commitment to God and I broke it.
I felt separated from Him.
I disappointed myself.  I got discouraged.
Then I got mad and stubborn...like a stiff-necked Israelite.

I am strong.
I am determined.
I am a survivor.
I am an overcomer.

Being strong and overcoming obstacles means that you don't give up.  You don't run away.  You live through the struggle and continue to be the best you can be despite the odds.

However, the best I can be on my own is never enough.
I can't do it alone.
I can't do it in my own power.
I need my Lord and Savior.
I need His guidance and His hope.

That's one of the lessons I have been re-learning.
Another lesson is that no matter how many times we fail God, He remains faithful.  He remains steady.  And.  I need Him.

I wonder how many of us would be different people if we took a moment to appreciate, to do a small kind, unexpected gesture to say "Hey, I am thinking about you and I care"?

When it happens, it is like a bright and shining star lighting up the day...even if only for a moment.  I look back at my day and it might all have been full of challenge and struggle, but that one moment, all the struggles can't overshadow that shining star.  At least someone cared, someone made the effort, even if just for a moment.

How do you choose who to help?

Someone asked me today how people choose who to help -as in giving of yourself to benefit others (money, time, talents, etc.).

Great question.

I thought about it and we talked it through.  Most often, we give to those we have a passion for.  Most people's charities are for a cause supporting something they or someone close to them has gone through.  For me personally, I have a passion to directly impact lives.  I could donate money to organizations, but my heart is to help those not involved in large organizations.  To help those around me.  Sometimes that I feel an inner urge or pressure to help someone else, like the homeless person on the corner, even though my gift could be wasted by that person, it is never wasted in God's eyes.  That pressure is more than conscience, and something more than just caring.  It's the Holy Spirit leading.

One day, I decided to make eye contact with strangers and smile.  The second person I smiled at happened to be a homeless person.  He asked for money.  I rarely carry cash and told him I didn't have any to give, but since I was right outside a shopping center, I could buy him something from the store.  We ended up walking to a Subway and he profusely thanked me over and over, saying he and his friend hadn't eaten in 3 days.  I believed him to be sincere.  I bought him three foot long sandwiches.  He asked the sandwich maker to wrap them in 6-inch sections to make them last as long as possible.  After we parted ways, I saw him give a sandwich to two other homeless people and they immediately started eating as if they were starving.  It felt good to be bold and brave enough to have made the difference in that moment.  I only wished I had mentioned Christ to them too.

Other times, I help because I can.  Or because I want to.  God enables me to see a need and I know He has blessed me to be able to give, and I want to make a difference.  It's one way I worship God.  Deciding who to help, isn't something I think about.  I spend more time thinking about the right way to help rather than who.

For example, I know two women who are both in very poor living situations and poor financial circumstances.  One breaks rules and begs others to provide for her needs with constant excuses for her situation.  The struggles of life are present everyday in her appearance, slumped walk, and constant excuses and empty apologies.  She has a good heart and I pray that she will someday escape the abuse she lives in.  I fear that she will never climb out of her struggles until she learns that she is the one who must create the change to impact change on her circumstances.

The other, if she hadn't shared glimpses of her struggles, I would have never even thought she lived in the terrible circumstances that she does.  She was eating only one meal a day, of a bowl of cereal.  Imagine that.  No one knew for three days until someone offered her an extra snack as a friendly gesture and she made a comment about how excited she was to have something other to eat than cereal...later admitting she was living off of one meal per day (a bowl of cereal).  Another time, when her paycheck wasn't quite enough for a bill she had, she quietly and respectfully asked for a loan -just enough to cover the bill.  She didn't ask for more and wouldn't accept more without determining to pay it back in full.  I knew she had more needs than just what she was asking for...but she didn't want more.

Who do I help?  Well, I help both actually.  Because the tender heart God has blessed me with tells me that perhaps the first woman has been beaten down so efficiently that she sees no hope and has compromised her integrity to make ends meet.  When I help her, I try hard to be supportive without enabling and without rescuing.  I cannot solve her problems, I can only lovingly try to support her.

The second woman, I give to carefully, but my heart wants to shower her with help.  But I must hold back because my intentions are to give in a way that allows her to maintain her dignity and does not cause her to stumble.  She is making choices in her life to better herself and better her child's life, and I have a high respect for her.  I know her life is very hard.  I am proud of her determination.

It is a blessing to be able to give, and a responsibility to take seriously.
How do you decide who to help or how to help others?

Leadership.

Leadership.
Set apart by role.
Set apart by responsibility.
Set apart by power.
Set apart by assumption.
Set apart by fear.
Set apart by ignorance.
Set apart by character.

Lonely at the top.
Prioritize towards the bigger picture.
Constant decision making.
Answers to everyone.
Impossible to please all, fortunate to please any.
Hours are long.
Breaks are rare.
Salaries are higher as is stress.

Rewards are not monetary.
Fulfillment is directly impacting the world.
Relationships are key.
Boundaries must be upheld.
Flexibility for the inevitable exception to the rule.
Judgment pours down from all sides.
Assumption truly does what it says it will.
Attacks from those who do not receive their desired outcome in situations.

Careful balance of all third party pressures.
Constant weighing of cost vs. benefit.
Constant reinforcing of boundaries.
Constant teaching of purpose.
Constant teaching to uplift and encourage.
Constant balance between challenging a subordinate and rewarding.

Five to Ten year plan.
Goals are big.
Broken down into bite size pieces.
Constant unknown.
Constant inward battle.

Intellectual.
Compassion.
Personal feelings hidden by maturity.
Hidden by authority.
Hidden by responsibility.
Feelings are understood within and cherished privately.
Vulnerability cautiously and carefully shared.
Vulnerability can cause fear for those who rely on a Leader to be strong.
Vulnerability can connect.

Awareness that others are ultimately not concerned with you.
Only what you can do for them.
Selflessness required.
Self-sacrifice is natural.
Humility.
Honesty.
Integrity.
Willingness to be hated and still uphold the boundaries with the utmost integrity.
Ability to let go and watch, wait, and roll with the punches...you can count on them.