Mawwaige and wuv. Twoo wuv.

My hubby recently asked me what the biggest lesson I have learned over the course of our nearly 17 year marriage.  His answer was much funnier than mine and more to be silly like the goof he is. :0)

Marrying before we were legally allowed to drink alcohol, and having been together for closer to 20 years now, we have been through a lot.  Aside from putting God first, the biggest lesson I've learned is that marriage is not about me.  Marriage is about us...you and your spouse as one unified couple.

What I mean is that marriage requires a certain sacrifice of self.  Life does not revolve around your singular desires and goals.  Marriage takes teamwork.  Marriage takes compromise.  When making decisions, the thought isn't "what do I want?"  The thought is "what is best for us?"  What decision has the best outcome for us as a married couple?  What is best for our family?  What decision matches our goals and needs?

Marriage truly does mean to become one with your spouse.  Not just in a spiritual way, although that is key.  It is letting go of selfishness for the one you love.  The one you have chosen to love for life.  Marriage is a choice.  Love is a choice.  Commitment to each other is a choice and requires thoughtful care and relentless effort.  Happily ever after doesn't happen by itself.

There are many trials and difficulties throughout a marriage no matter who you are.  Sin, selfishness, differing perspectives/beliefs and unmet expectations will happen.  How you deal with those issues directly effects your marriage relationship. 

Trusting God and seeking Him individually is how I have moved past many rough patches in our marriage.  There are times when it seems we are at an impasse, or feelings have been deeply hurt and anger abounds.  At those times, it is easy to think about quitting and not trying anymore - but that is only the world's way of dealing with struggle.  Not God's way. 

For my husband and I, we agreed in the beginning that divorce was not an option.  It isn't even a word in our vocabulary or a word I allow myself to even think when we are dealing with relationship challenges.  (As a minor disclaimer, I'm not talking about abusive behavior in a marriage.  That is an entirely different set of difficulties I do not feel qualified to address.)  There are times when you don't feel "in love" anymore.  There are times when your spouse fails you and it hurts.  There are times when you fail your spouse and hurt them.  Choosing to love.  Acting out of love.  Learning to forgive.  Communicating with your spouse, praying, and looking to God for wisdom and guidance are so important!

There are also times of personal struggle, when it is tempting to withdraw and cope alone.  Nothing in marriage is ever accomplished alone.  Yes, there is a place where you must individually cope between you and the Lord with struggles.  Remember, there is more than just you in a marriage.  When challenges arise (such as cancer in our life), you must also learn to cope together.  Share your hurts and fears.  Be vulnerable with each other.  Support and care for each other.  How you cope as a couple directly effects the outcome of any struggle.  Grow together through difficulty.

Being married and loving my husband for this many years, our relationship has deepened into something that my starry-eyed romantic teenage self could never have comprehended.  We are older, a bit more wiser.  We are not the same people we were when we started our life together.  Our bodies are no longer youthful.  Our love is not the impassioned roller coaster of young love and infatuation.  It is steady.  A deep and flowing river.  Love grows admiration and respect.  Love grows honor and joy.  It's the little things.  It's who my husband is as a man.  It is who he has become in Christ, as a father to our children, as the man who loves me in his unique way, as the man he is to the rest of the world.  It is so many things and I am grateful for all of it.  As our anniversary approaches, I am thankful and look forward to many more years as God allows.

It's Official!

What an emotional roller coaster!  I informed my boss today that I would be leaving my job at the end of the school year next month.  I've been in her shoes and I know how hard it is right now to find good people who are qualified to do the job I've been doing.  So, my empathetic self felt terrible telling her, but at the same time I am excited and looking forward to the new journey ahead of me!

Officially I am quitting my job to be a stay-at-home mommy for several months.  With our recent tax return we were able to pay off all our remaining school loans and with the money we've been saving to pay for childcare, we will be able to afford me to stay home without a job for a while!  Eventually, probably sometime after the baby arrives I will need to get a small part time job to help make ends meet...but in the mean time my life-long desire to be a mom and housewife will come true!

We are going to be homeschooling our older children starting this fall and the research and how-to seminars have begun!  It is exciting because I love lesson planning and putting curriculum together.  It is terrifying because I want to do it well and I know my own personality faults that will create challenges as well as the challenge of introducing a newborn into our lives at the beginning of a school year!  Pray for us!  I am full of hope and trusting God to lead as I go into this chapter of life!

Processing Thoughts...Perhaps a little randomly.

Home sick today, feeling thoughtful.  So much has changed in less than a year.  Life is completely different than it was.  I had asked God to make things clear to me, even if it hurt.  He did and boy, did it hurt.  Grieving the loss of a job and a way of life is a process.  I can't say I am necessarily glad for it, but I have definitely learned from it and am glad for where I am now.

I sit here with a cold.  Miserable because I can't take any medication due to the baby.  A baby I never believed I would have.  God's ways and God's answers to our prayers are so much more than we can fathom.

Not only am I pregnant with this miracle baby.  But I might actually get to be a stay home mommy for a little while.  It all seems too good to be true and so much more than I deserve.  I am so thankful that God doesn't just hand us what we deserve.

Man, what changes that can happen in life.  Some events I planned had an impact.  Other events I had no plan for: cancer, car accidents, job loss, another baby.  Some good.  Some not.  All growing experiences.

I have no clue where God is taking me.  I pray that I can honor Him in it all and not get lost inside my limited perspectives.

Best Effort

God doesn't need my best effort to make faith work.
You don't accept Christ as Savior and then give Christianity your best effort.
Jesus on the Cross said, "It is Finished."
He didn't say, "My part is finished, now it's your turn..."

I need to let go of my self-effort in trying to make it work and focus on believing the promises in His Word and trusting in the Risen Life of Christ in my life- letting Him work through me.

Sounds so easy.  But it is the hardest thing to do, at least for me.  I keep coming back to this concept in my faith walk.  Will I ever get it?

I remember the first time I tried reading through the bible.  I made it through the book of Judges and quit.  I got so sick and tired of the stupid Israelites turning away from God...years later, I can see similar patterns in my own life.  I'm no better than they were.  I continually leave God behind...partially I believe is because I do not seek Him first.  Unfortunately He becomes an after-thought or a routine rather than my best friend and my Lord I serve.  Forgive me, Lord and teach me!

Me vs. Him

Recently while listening to a radio sermon, the pastor was saying that we fill our lives with "me" and things that serve our goals, our preferences, and our comfort zones.  Many times when we want to serve the Lord, we struggle to find time.  He suggested that we restructure ways we spend our time and prioritize our activities to have more activities and time that furthers the kingdom of God rather than furthering our own selves.

It was a good sermon and got me thinking.  How about you?

Whoa, Baby!

They always tell you that all pregnancies are different, and now in my third, I can attest to that fact.  However, this one is totally different than either of my first two.

This baby, according to the ultrasounds, is located in the back of the womb, and boy do I feel it!  I have sporadic pains and sore muscles all over from my sciatic to my lower back and of course my non-existent abs.  I haven't experienced the nausea that I had with my two girls, although my super strong gag-reflex is back.  In fact, I've only thrown up once and that was due to trying to brush my tongue.  However, I do feel poorly if I haven't eaten often or the right nutrition the baby wants.  I wonder if this symptom will go away, or if I'll have to deal with it the whole pregnancy.

I don't have specific cravings, but I prefer warm meals rather than the cold lunches I was eating before getting pregnant.  I am also absolutely HUGE already...although everyone around me has been very nice about it (thank you!).  With my first, I barely showed a baby bump until 6 months along.  I am already bigger than that and only 3 months along!  I know part of it is the added belly fat I had from my previous two pregnancies.  At least it is round like a pregnant belly instead of just floppy...

I'm also already having trouble sleeping with this belly of mine.  I think that I am carrying lower than ever before because that pooch is getting in the way and I'm getting ready to go buy myself a wedge pillow to sleep it on!

So far all the genetic testing done due to my "advanced maternal age" has come back negative.  That is a relief, and the extra ultrasound was fun!  It was neat to see the baby jumping around and moving its arms and legs already.  The only kind-a scary part was because the baby is so far back in the womb, it was hard for the Doppler to find the heart beat at my last appointment.  The doctor almost called for an immediate ultrasound to make sure it was there...then she found it on her last try.  Silly baby!

What child is this?!

Our Christmas season has come and gone, today is the last day of Christmas vacation for us and we're going to see the new Star Wars movie today with family!  It was a good relaxing season for us.  With fewer demands on our time this year, it didn't become such a stressful time of year that it sometimes can be.

We also learned some exciting, although unexpected news!  We are expecting a miracle baby, due next summer!  After the cancer doctors repeatedly offering Advanced Reproductive services if we ever decided to pursue conceiving a child, telling us that due to my husband's hormone treatments and chemo therapy history, conception naturally would be near impossible...imagine our surprise to learn that we were pregnant!

I am thankful that all of our family and friends have been very receptive and supportive of us.  This new child will change our lives in a big way.  It may end up being wiser for me to stay home or work part time rather than pay childcare costs for three children.  Our little starter home will need to be reorganized to fit everyone.  So many changes, and I am grateful of them all.  This little life inside is a much loved and wanted child.  Well worth all the changes in our lives he/she may bring.

I am grateful that the Lord considered us worthy of the calling to add another child to our family.