Last Friday morning was the Aurora/Colorado/Batman Massacre as people have named it. None of the names seem appropriate to me. Somehow I feel like they are bringing glory to what happened instead of focusing on the good of the people, stories focused on the horror of the suspect's actions.
An intelligent man made a life-altering choice for himself and for numerous others. This man I think of with distaste, pity, and sorrow. I cannot imagine the state of his spiritual life to have come to a place where he chose to do the things he did. I know the Christian thing would be to love him as Christ does, to pray for his salvation...I do desire those things for him, I don't know if I could do it if I were to meet him. Not that that will ever happen. I'm not involved whatsoever in this scenario aside from the people I know connected to it. I question how he could sink so low, and I would go so far as to pray for him, to defend God's desire to see him changed. My desire isn't there yet. I don't have any desires good or bad for what happens to him. I understand it was a senseless act and trying to understand the mind of someone like that is impossible and even dangerous. I don't want to go there.
My heart hurts for the pain of the people in Aurora. At first I heard the news and just wished it would go away. I didn't want to have to deal with another sinful person who took the lives of innocents. The same reason I avoid watching the nightly news...too much focus on the horrendous, the hurt and the broken. But it wasn't something I could ignore and definitely something I couldn't avoid...the news stories were everywhere.
Thankfully, a church is actively seeking to help those hurting because of this incident. A church that posts updates, offers unsolicited support in tangible ways, and a church that had 33 members in attendance that fateful night. The city of Aurora held a prayer vigil, sponsored by the local government, and somehow, amazingly, God was at the center of it all. In my mind's eye I see a huge spiritual battle over the city of Aurora, Colorado right now. What Satan had worked for evil is being used for God's glory. Over and over I hear of the many things that God is doing through this tragedy. And I am thankful. I praise the Lord for his loving arms of comfort and encouragement. I praise him for his faithful servants. I look forward to seeing what more good things God will bring out of this devastation.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Burden of Responsibility
My blogs have been shorter and fewer since cancer. Part of it is the simple truth that life is not as awesomely challenging anymore. I mean, everyone wants to know how you manage surviving life with cancer...but does everyone really want to know about my personal struggles in life? Do I want you to know? As it seems with many, I am my hardest critic. I can label myself guilty and unworthy so quickly it isn't funny.
I have a recurring issue that I struggle with. My mind works too fast for my mouth to keep up with and often when speaking I say things that don't match my intentions. Mentally I work best when I am able to focus on one thing at a time. The responsible person I must be at work is different than the responsible wife/mom I must be at home. I am a completely different wife/mother when my only responsibility in a day is to be the best wife/mom I can be. I have always wanted to be a stay-home mom. I never desired to have a career...but it isn't the lifestyle my husband and I have. It isn't possible right now and may never be. I feel like I cannot give my family what they deserve because I must give so much to a full time job...to be a different person at work than I am at home. It is a struggle that crescendo's and decrescendo's routinely in my life. It is a huge weight of responsibility to bear because I do want to be the super mom/wife that I think I could be if I weren't a working mom. I think perhaps my home would be cleaner, more organized. My children would have my full attention more often and I would know them better than I do.
And related to that issue is my second largest issue in life right now. Since I am in a full time job with responsibility, I want to share the burden of responsibility I feel for my family with my husband, but I don't think men are designed to think the way women are. Often I think my concerns are ones that don't even come up on his radar...makes me think of the book title Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. God certainly did not make us the same.
I have a recurring issue that I struggle with. My mind works too fast for my mouth to keep up with and often when speaking I say things that don't match my intentions. Mentally I work best when I am able to focus on one thing at a time. The responsible person I must be at work is different than the responsible wife/mom I must be at home. I am a completely different wife/mother when my only responsibility in a day is to be the best wife/mom I can be. I have always wanted to be a stay-home mom. I never desired to have a career...but it isn't the lifestyle my husband and I have. It isn't possible right now and may never be. I feel like I cannot give my family what they deserve because I must give so much to a full time job...to be a different person at work than I am at home. It is a struggle that crescendo's and decrescendo's routinely in my life. It is a huge weight of responsibility to bear because I do want to be the super mom/wife that I think I could be if I weren't a working mom. I think perhaps my home would be cleaner, more organized. My children would have my full attention more often and I would know them better than I do.
And related to that issue is my second largest issue in life right now. Since I am in a full time job with responsibility, I want to share the burden of responsibility I feel for my family with my husband, but I don't think men are designed to think the way women are. Often I think my concerns are ones that don't even come up on his radar...makes me think of the book title Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. God certainly did not make us the same.
Prayer.
A friend of mine who has beaten cancer now faces another life-threatening illness. Her blogs continue to amaze me. In her I see the spiritual and physical frailty of human life made glorious in Christ Jesus. Her ability to share her hurts, her pain and struggle is a wonderful portrait of how the Lord blesses us and carries us through. My heart hurts for her and I wish more than anything I could be there to comfort and assure her, but as distance separates us, I will pray...
Now isn't that just like us? We don't want to let God do the healing, we want to be an active participant in God's work. Me just praying isn't the last thing I could do...it is the best thing anyone can do, even if you live with the person you are praying for! That is one theme of my life I pray the Lord will help me to overcome someday. I do not do things better on my own...I've had many experiences where if I wanted something to happen, it was up to me to make it happen...but that isn't how it should be with God. He is the only one who can do this perfectly in the best way -not only for the person who needs prayer, but for everyone touched by their life.
Now isn't that just like us? We don't want to let God do the healing, we want to be an active participant in God's work. Me just praying isn't the last thing I could do...it is the best thing anyone can do, even if you live with the person you are praying for! That is one theme of my life I pray the Lord will help me to overcome someday. I do not do things better on my own...I've had many experiences where if I wanted something to happen, it was up to me to make it happen...but that isn't how it should be with God. He is the only one who can do this perfectly in the best way -not only for the person who needs prayer, but for everyone touched by their life.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Doctor Appointment
It was a short and sweet doctor appointment. Good news doesn't take so long, I guess. :)
My hubby's bloodwork came back good, his energy levels have remained low, so he'll begin a lifelong medication to keep those levels at normal. Not uncommon for his type of post-cancer treatment. I just hope the cost isn't outrageous (God-willing)!
I've been trying to write a book about our experiences. It is extremely slow going. Sometimes I don't feel like writing. Sometimes it makes me too emotional, and then I have days where I make good progress...in the past several months I have written a whole 10 pages. Woo-hoo! I think. LOL! I have revised those first few pages so many times. Sometimes when I write all I do is re-word things and adjust spelling. I suppose if God wants it to ever be a finished work, He'll let it happen in just the right timing. :)
My hubby's bloodwork came back good, his energy levels have remained low, so he'll begin a lifelong medication to keep those levels at normal. Not uncommon for his type of post-cancer treatment. I just hope the cost isn't outrageous (God-willing)!
I've been trying to write a book about our experiences. It is extremely slow going. Sometimes I don't feel like writing. Sometimes it makes me too emotional, and then I have days where I make good progress...in the past several months I have written a whole 10 pages. Woo-hoo! I think. LOL! I have revised those first few pages so many times. Sometimes when I write all I do is re-word things and adjust spelling. I suppose if God wants it to ever be a finished work, He'll let it happen in just the right timing. :)
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