Broken and spilled out. I am quickly reaching that point. I don't even have words to pray. I know my God is there. I know He hears my silent cries. I am powerless to impact change on my situation. Every day I show up. I do what needs to be done. I put on a positive front. And on the inside I crumble just a little bit more. I watch my professional life falling to pieces around me.
And yet, despite the stress and the incredible brain power it takes to manipulate the day's struggles, He has always provided just enough. I wonder if I am going to suffer the pitiful decline of a light in our city.
We are one of the few Christian programs that truly has the freedom and desire to reach our community in the way we care for its children and their families. It's becoming harder and harder to find teachers who share that true desire to serve the Lord and share their faith. Interview after interview, I find those who call themselves "Christian" and yet they have no clue of the true essence of that name. Many claim that name and don't know the freedom of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. Others have no interest in the Christian faith, but are willing to "support" it. Without people to serve the Lord, this ministry will fail.
Praying for God to do what needs to be done, wherever change needs to happen. I am willing.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
In Sickness and In Health
When you say that part of your vows in the wedding ceremony, you mean them. But you aren't expecting them to test you. I remember thinking, of course, I will love my husband no matter what. Whether he gets sick in his old age, or in his younger years, I'll always love and take care of him.
What about when they get sick and it doesn't fully heal? I doubt many of us think that we will end up with a spouse who suddenly loses their health...forever.
Early on in our marriage, my husband injured his back. It did permanent damage. He has always dealt with back pain and that interfered occasionally in our life together, but didn't seem like anything we couldn't handle.
Then later in our marriage as you know, he survived cancer. Cancer combined with his back injury has been a challenge. It is like he has a physical disability, but it varies in severity. I've been in denial about this for quite sometime. I think both of us were.
Sometimes he seems perfectly healthy, able to do housework indoors and outdoors. Other times he is confined to the heating pad and an ergonomically correct chair to get through the muscle spasms, not to mention the swelling of his hands and feet. The fatigue that comes with the side effects of his cancer also effects our daily lives. Some days he seems to have a lot of energy. Other days he is too exhausted to cook (and he's the chef in our home), and just rests in the recliner. Our children watch a lot of TV and play video games with us because it is one of the best ways he can spend time with them and not suffer physical pain for it.
I used to get angry when he wasn't able to do much. I felt like I was carrying the brunt of the burden of managing our home and caring for our children. I would get an attitude, silently accusing him of not properly caring for himself to be the best for our family. Over the past several months, maybe even the past year, God has been showing me that I was being selfish. It isn't that he intentionally doesn't do things. He can't do things sometimes and I'm learning that it is my joy to serve him in doing those things.
We have learned to be more honest with each other about goals and expectations. He's learned to be more open and honest with me about his pain and struggles. We both have learned to change our personal expectations of how our home is managed. We are two imperfect people serving a perfect God and finding our way as a couple in the midst of the challenges we face.
What about when they get sick and it doesn't fully heal? I doubt many of us think that we will end up with a spouse who suddenly loses their health...forever.
Early on in our marriage, my husband injured his back. It did permanent damage. He has always dealt with back pain and that interfered occasionally in our life together, but didn't seem like anything we couldn't handle.
Then later in our marriage as you know, he survived cancer. Cancer combined with his back injury has been a challenge. It is like he has a physical disability, but it varies in severity. I've been in denial about this for quite sometime. I think both of us were.
Sometimes he seems perfectly healthy, able to do housework indoors and outdoors. Other times he is confined to the heating pad and an ergonomically correct chair to get through the muscle spasms, not to mention the swelling of his hands and feet. The fatigue that comes with the side effects of his cancer also effects our daily lives. Some days he seems to have a lot of energy. Other days he is too exhausted to cook (and he's the chef in our home), and just rests in the recliner. Our children watch a lot of TV and play video games with us because it is one of the best ways he can spend time with them and not suffer physical pain for it.
I used to get angry when he wasn't able to do much. I felt like I was carrying the brunt of the burden of managing our home and caring for our children. I would get an attitude, silently accusing him of not properly caring for himself to be the best for our family. Over the past several months, maybe even the past year, God has been showing me that I was being selfish. It isn't that he intentionally doesn't do things. He can't do things sometimes and I'm learning that it is my joy to serve him in doing those things.
We have learned to be more honest with each other about goals and expectations. He's learned to be more open and honest with me about his pain and struggles. We both have learned to change our personal expectations of how our home is managed. We are two imperfect people serving a perfect God and finding our way as a couple in the midst of the challenges we face.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Inquiring of God
The past several weeks have been full of setbacks. The program I lead is bursting at the seams with children, a wonderful thing. But we are losing employees faster than we can keep them. My office staff and I have tried to figure out what we can do to help this problem and are coming up with blanks. I've been crying out to the Lord, but He hasn't revealed any clear direction or change needed.
One employee lost her childcare and couldn't make the schedules work.
Another employee had a family emergency.
Another employee's extended family is in chaos and needed her at home.
Another employee made the difficult decision to stay home with her child while her husband is deployed.
And last but not least, one is leaving to have a baby.
None of the reasons were due to the center. None of them due to the job environment, but I also haven't found replacements yet. Please keep us in your prayers. I can't help but think it is a spiritual thing.
I heard part of a sermon today on the radio about David inquiring of God in 1 Samuel 30. The very part of the bible I have been reading at night. He said that in previous chapters David had been acting in his flesh based on how his emotions led him. But for some reason in this chapter, David stopped and inquired of the Lord how to proceed and the Lord not only answered him but told him what would happen.
I have been "staying strong" and doing whatever needs to be done to survive this time of shortage in employees at work. My office staff and I have all spent time working in classrooms. I think I have been acting in my flesh...not intentionally ignoring the Lord, but just reacting in the moment because there often isn't time to do much more than whisper a prayer as I step into action...and to be honest, I haven't even been acknowledging the Lord much.
It is hard. I struggle to find the Lord. Many times I feel like I am talking to a brick wall even though I know better than that. I know He hears my prayers. I've been asking for revelation, provision, and an understanding of His will. One of my employees made the comment that I must be having an awesome experience with the Lord to still be here (others would have run away by now). I told them I am struggling more than it may appear. It has crossed my mind more than once to leave this crazy job...but I don't have peace about that. I daydream of a life where work doesn't invade my home life.
For whatever reason, God has me where I am. Pray that I am able to do what He has called me to do, and to receive the wisdom and discernment to know what that is.
One employee lost her childcare and couldn't make the schedules work.
Another employee had a family emergency.
Another employee's extended family is in chaos and needed her at home.
Another employee made the difficult decision to stay home with her child while her husband is deployed.
And last but not least, one is leaving to have a baby.
None of the reasons were due to the center. None of them due to the job environment, but I also haven't found replacements yet. Please keep us in your prayers. I can't help but think it is a spiritual thing.
I heard part of a sermon today on the radio about David inquiring of God in 1 Samuel 30. The very part of the bible I have been reading at night. He said that in previous chapters David had been acting in his flesh based on how his emotions led him. But for some reason in this chapter, David stopped and inquired of the Lord how to proceed and the Lord not only answered him but told him what would happen.
I have been "staying strong" and doing whatever needs to be done to survive this time of shortage in employees at work. My office staff and I have all spent time working in classrooms. I think I have been acting in my flesh...not intentionally ignoring the Lord, but just reacting in the moment because there often isn't time to do much more than whisper a prayer as I step into action...and to be honest, I haven't even been acknowledging the Lord much.
It is hard. I struggle to find the Lord. Many times I feel like I am talking to a brick wall even though I know better than that. I know He hears my prayers. I've been asking for revelation, provision, and an understanding of His will. One of my employees made the comment that I must be having an awesome experience with the Lord to still be here (others would have run away by now). I told them I am struggling more than it may appear. It has crossed my mind more than once to leave this crazy job...but I don't have peace about that. I daydream of a life where work doesn't invade my home life.
For whatever reason, God has me where I am. Pray that I am able to do what He has called me to do, and to receive the wisdom and discernment to know what that is.
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