Anger

Anger got the best of me.  Circumstances pushed all the right buttons and I am learning I am capable of some very strong anger.

I have always avoided conflict; flown under the radar; stayed in the safe-zone.  My job has put me front and center.  The person I've always presented myself as, is changing.  I am not sure how I feel about it.

In my job there are few policies.  Decisions are simply made and rules have always been treated as guidelines.  I have spent the past two years putting policies into place and enforcing rules...not to be rigid and controlling, but to bring into place accountability and consistency.  I watched my predecessor say yes to one employee and then no to another simply based on the emotion of the day rather than having a policy that outlined a consistent answer for all employees.

My new boundaries were tested.  A couple people have gone to my supervisor rather than to me and I got angry.  Very angry.  So angry that I expressed it to them.  I have lost my cool with an adult for the first time in my life and I have damaged a previously good working relationship.  We talked it through and can work professionally, but the relationship that was once there is no more.  There was no admission of wrong doing on either side, so the silent agreement to disagree and move on is what is left.

I dislike this feeling.  I dislike that the relationship was damaged.  I could apologize, but only for allowing my anger to come out in my words.  I am not sorry for what was said, just how I said it.  If I would have waited to respond it could have been said in a less aggressive way.