Don't get me wrong, being a stay-home mom is my dream. It's just that lately little insecurities here and there have been popping up. I don't even speak them or write them down, but they seem to accumulate somewhere in my "emotional bank" -for lack of a better term. Little things that the rational-me knows are insignificant and some truly don't bother me on most days. Yet, when they all add up together, I can get overwhelmed and start to feel down on myself and doubtful.
My hair that had started thinning at the beginning of my diet is now growing back and nearing two inches long...you know how every short hair cut goes through an ugly stage in the growing-out process? I've found mine. It is hot on my neck in the summer heat and looks like I've got a major case of frizzies if I pull my hair back -which I do regularly because the baby loves to pull hair. So, I resolve to roll my eyes at myself and chalk it all up to loving myself as a stay-home mom of three.
Many of the homeschool moms on Facebook are joking about how many books they are buying and all the curriculum choices they are making for different subjects. Others are posting pics of their homeschool rooms and new decorations for the upcoming year. I'm not buying curriculum books, our curriculum is free, online, and comprehensive. I don't have a homeschool room to decorate, but I will make the girls clean their desk before we start school... I am completely okay with not being like those other moms. Every homeschool is unique and developed to meet its individual needs. Sometimes I have a nagging little thought that maybe I am missing something by not doing the same things other moms are. I push that little thought away, but it likes to pop back up when I'm feeling low.
Money is tight since I am home and I didn't take a summer job. We have enough, but not extra and we watch closely what we choose to spend each month on the little extras. It's an added stress, not a huge deal, but again, there.
And then there are my three wonderful children who I love so much that I want to be the absolute best mother they could ever have and meet every need in the best possible way. Mom-guilt is natural for all mommies and my perfectionist self loves to pile it on.
So, I read an article today that I totally related to. I could've written it...except the author is much more eloquent than I am. It was basically saying why can't it be okay to just be me? Why do I have to strive so hard to be perfect? Why can't life be good enough when I am being me? I needed the change of perspective. After reading that article and praying about my feelings, I felt much better. I looked around at my cluttered little house.
Instead of a walking hazard of toys on the floor, I saw a baby boy's play area where he has so much fun banging toys on the tile entry way and then leaves them there so we can't open the door. How long will I get to enjoy his pleasure in the simple things? Instead of my daughter's hamper of clean clothes that she hasn't put away in three days, I saw the evidence of a little girl who loves to play and avoids chores at all cost. My little girl who will one day grow up and leave an empty hamper. Instead of a frumpy, aging woman in the mirror, I saw bright brown eyes with laugh lines and hair that has volume and beautiful soft curls. Perspective people. Love who you are. Accept yourself for who you are and the way God has made you.
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