Taking Time to be Me

Every week is new with new challenges and new things to be excited about. 

With the house selling/hunting we are continuing to work on checking off items on the to-do list.  Today we dropped off our little dude and spent the day working on the house.  I deep cleaned my kitchen cabinets and the top of the cabinets too -somewhere I haven't seen probably since we first moved in!  It was one of my biggest tasks to accomplish and took most of the day.  I also packed four more boxes from my cabinets too.  Being ready to sell feels a lot closer...just waiting on the preapproval for the new loan still...we shall see what news that brings.

On a more personal note, it was a rough week emotionally.  Having so many things on my plate got to me.  I seem to have a self-preservation instinct.  I handle things and handle things and push through even when it isn't easy...and then I hit a point where I simply shut down.  I stop caring about making the effort for the hard stuff and I have a few nights of feeling sad until I can work through it and figure out what it is that is bugging me.

This time it was mostly about 'adulting' on my own for a long period of time.  My hubby's been sick and because of his illness, I've been working on getting things done all on my own.  He helps when and how he can and feels awful that he can't do the things he wishes his body would let him do.  I don't mind the responsibilities; at times I just get overwhelmed and tired.  I don't have a lot of free time.  I am, and will increasingly be, his caregiver.  Granted, he is very self-sufficient right now and mostly I only help his health by cooking him healthy food and nagging him about making wise (realistic) choices about what he can physically do. 

His recent illness has been more than a lot for both of us.  It has forced him to stop taking his arthritis medication so his immune system can help fight the new illness, and that has caused him an increase in pain and decreased mobility due to it.  He bought himself a cane with his birthday money...he isn't even 40 yet and he has been walking with a cane.  He doesn't always need it, but when his body is hurting, the cane is very helpful to him.  He loves it.  Me...it's the idea of it that gets to me.  He knows that his later years in life will most likely be shorter and with increased disability.  I understand that, but don't want to spend time concerned with what might be, and take my learned-approach of dealing with what comes our way as things happen in life.

It was also the long duration of time that we've been unable to have our normal together-time.  His pain forces him to spend evenings on the heating pad in his ergonomic computer chair.  Zoning into his computer games enables him to temporarily not think about how much pain he is in.  It's a medication-free way to cope with pain.  So I've been missing the physical closeness, the adult conversations (I'm home with kids all day), and wasn't communicating with him because I didn't want to add to his struggles with dealing with being forced to be away from his family.  He doesn't enjoy these times either.

I went to mid-week church service and enjoyed the quiet kid-free time and positive message.  I planned more lunches that I am looking forward to rather than simply planning meals that cater to the budget or to other nutritional needs.  I spent more time watching my tv show on my phone when I had a quiet moment from the kids, and I spent more time praying and reading my bible.  Basically I took some time out to focus on my own wants and needs.  I give so much (and give willingly and cheerfully), but I need to refresh and refill my own cup too.

Thankfully, we had an appointment to go and his mom was watching the kids for us.  Our appointment ended early and we were able to go out to lunch, just us.  It was like going on a date -something we haven't done in a while.  We talked and enjoyed being on our own as adults and not parenting at the same time.  I was able to share some of my struggles in a way that didn't  emphasize any negativity.  What a difference communication makes! 

It will still take time for his illness to heal, but I'm feeling better.  We are also going to take a day to look at some homes with the realtor soon.  I'm excited for that!