Highs and Lows

Another week has passed and more highs and lows have taken place.  High emotions run in my family.  I've noticed them in my grandpa, my father, myself and my oldest daughter.  We're a sentimental bunch and emotions can easily overwhelm us.

Yesterday I would have described my emotional state as depression.  I thought about blogging in the midst of it, but I know from past experiences that those times come and go.  I didn't want my irrational frame of mind to say something that I might regret later.  Usually when I get past a very low point, the concerns weighing me down don't seem so big the next day.

Yesterday I felt like my world was heading down a dead-end road, and I was almost there.  My job is affecting me at home.  I'm bringing home work and the mental stress of work.  My husband's physical complications have increased with the illnesses our family has been dealing with.  Our home is the epitome of the word "pigsty".  There is piles of laundry.  Piles of dirty dishes.  A kitchen floor that should have ben swept 2-3 times over.  Clutter is everywhere.  The sad and embarrassing part is that even though I hate looking at it, I had no energy or motivation to do much about it.  For the first time in my life, I have stooped to a new low.

Being emotional, but practical, I don't often make rash decisions.  I do, however, replay stress in my head trying to figure it all out.  Is this a true issue or do I need a perspective change?  Is the job really too much?  Is it really the job or is it how I am handling it (meaning spiritually)?  Do I really need to change my job or do I need to change something in me?

Asking those questions can be overwhelming too.  So I cried.  I took a nap.  I soaked in a hot bath.  And my wonderful husband gave me space to do it in.  Today I am improved.  Still considering those questions in my mind, but not in the "depths of despair".

I accomplished 2 loads of dishes and did some cleaning in the basement today while I listened to church online (my cold still getting me down physically). Progress for now.  :0)

Memory Lane

I've been slowly going through my piles of junk and paper to clean my basement. 

I have a vision of creating a memory book for each daughter and also perhaps someday writing a book about some of our experiences.  As I find the old wall-calendars from the past, I am putting the notes into an excel spreadsheet and tossing the physical calendar.  Tonight I found my 2011 calendar and logged its notes...that was our year of cancer.

Although the calendar only has the important appointments and dates of big events, it brought back many memories and with what was noted, I could still fill in the blanks of the things that weren't noted on the calendar.  I remember what each appointment discussed and revealed, the CT scan after surgery that didn't reveal cancer returning only months before the next one did.  The scheduled final round of chemo that was cancelled due to my husband's lungs deteriorating, my children's school events, and more.

I was amazed over all the "normal" life events we participated in during the midst of living through cancer.  The children still attended birthday parties.  They were involved in sports.  Life didn't come to a screeching halt for us.  Sometimes I remember it as ending...  Emotionally, my world ended.  In reality, it only changed.  It changed forever.

Now whenever I see past co-workers or past acquaintances, they always ask how my husband is doing and if the remission is still "going well".  Yes, we are doing well.  Somehow we have survived to tell the tale and continue to live life as best we can.  I feel like I imagine an older woman in a movie would be feeling as she retold her life's history.  I'm only early thirties still...what more will I get to live in my lifetime?  God only knows.

Peace Settles In

This week was another busy week.  I hired a highly qualified new teacher who quit on me with no notice 4 days into the week.  It wasn't the leadership role she had experienced before in her previous job and although I think it might have been a great relationship had her attitude about her new position been different, God has other plans.  Of course, not receiving any notice was a blow and a discouragement. 

I was growing weary of the struggle again.  Friday was our first full-day in-service of the year and we had some really great fellowship together as a team of godly women.  I feel much more at peace now and I believe that God has put some things into place that will help solve some of the scheduling issues I am facing.

The illness in our home seems to be dissipating and I enjoyed having a girls night with my daughters on Friday.  They got to stay up late with me to eat popcorn and watch a movie.  My favorite part was holding my youngest in my lap and just having the closeness of her near me.  My oldest was enjoying the little fort she created under the foot of the recliner I was sitting in.  :0)

Faint Light at the end of the Tunnel?

It has been another long week, but thankfully it appears to be improving!  I've had some challenging days with some very bad lows at work this week.  Still down a person in the office, zero response to ads for new employees, and a struggle with the scheduling due to the teachers who have recently left in addition to those who had been approved time off prior to the change in staffing.

My faith has struggled and it was hard to see how we would make it through each day, but as always, God provided.  My husband reminds me to let go and give God control.  I think I am, but then my attitude goes sour and I stress over how things will end up working out positively.  I wasn't intentionally not trusting God, but I wasn't.  I'm responsible for keeping my business going and solving any and all issues that arise...I forgot that it was God who put me there in the first place and God who would make it a success or a failure.  I got lost in trying to solve problems that were out of my control.

I have had several conversations with my boss and it has helped.  Some of my teachers who had been out on long-term leave are returning next week, and I got a couple responses on my recent advertisement so I have high hopes of seeing a true light at the end of the tunnel.

My family is slowly recovering from a nasty digestive bug and I've been able to have some quality time with my children too.  Everything seems to be improving.  It isn't all perfect or all figured out, but I am so grateful to at least have a season of rest before the next storm heads my way.

God Speaks

This last week was a 4-day work week because of the President's Day holiday.  It felt like a 6-day work week.  Thursday night I was so exhausted mentally, physically, and even spiritually.  I felt like I was living through a never-ending battle.  Each and every day was a struggle to fill the gaps in the scheduling at work with teachers having life struggles, many out sick including myself, and subs who weren't available.  My husband was sick, my children were fighting illness, I was recovering...I just wanted to give up.  I wanted to bury myself in a hole and cry.  My attitude was struggling and I suppose the only positive thing I can say about myself is that I kept going to God. 

I have a note I wrote myself as a reminder and a motivator on my desk:  "I'm looking forward to our time together. ~Jesus".  Having that visible every day helps me remember to turn to Him.  I wrote journal prayers like I always do, even if they were short.  I begged God for help, for wisdom, for rest, for answers, for peace, and for a better attitude.  He drew me to 2 Timothy, a chapter mentioned in church that the Junior High Ministry had recently studied at a retreat.  These are the two verses that stuck out to me and have really helped me:

2 Timothy 4:18  The Lord will rescue me from every evil work and will bring me safely into His heavenly kingdom.  To Him be the glory forever and ever! Amen.

2 Timothy 4:17  But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me...

I needed those words.  They boosted my heart and my spirit.  God answered my prayers.  Most of my struggles will continue for the next few weeks, but He is providing for me.  We haven't gone a day where I wasn't able to fill the gap, even if it had to be me.  Today was a blessing because even though several of my employees weren't feeling well, they helped to stand in the gap.  As a reward and a much needed break, we are cancelling our normal monthly after-hours meeting.  We all need the time.

Walking in Faith...or attempting to!

Work is going through a transition period.  One full time teacher is leaving and two of my part-timers (a married couple) are moving on to follow the Lord's leading in their lives and ministry.  I've had some good interviews and can still see the light at the end of the tunnel, although it sometimes seems faint.

We continue to be short-staffed with illness going around and an employee out on maternity leave.  God always provides, even if I am helping in a classroom instead of focusing on my work.  I struggle to keep a positive attitude some mornings, and I just keep reminding myself of His promises and giving them up to Him.  Today I had just prayed about having a good relationship with each of my girls and I snapped at one in frustration today...bummer deal.  I need a "date" with my girls.  God willing, there will be a season of rest coming soon!

At home things are going well.  I've started another blog that is a more professional side of me, one that I feel more comfortable as being non-anonymous.  :0)  I've gotten more into Pinterest, not just for projects I'd like to accomplish in my home, but I like the blogs of other women I find there too.  Some of those women who have a serious blog-career are so gifted.  I really like perusing their blogs for ideas and tips that I can use in my own life.  Most of them are stay at home moms and blogging is a way for them to make an additional income while raising their children.  It is rare to find one from a working mom and I've never found one from the viewpoint of a childcare professional, so I am stepping out into the realm of blogging to try my hand at it since I love to write and love to share what I have learned.  I'm not searching for income right now, but if God grows it in that direction, an added bonus!  Perhaps one day these two blogs will end up combining into one.  For now, though I will keep them separate.  Happy hump day.

Superbowl Anyone?

This year's super bowl was a huge disappointment.  Only one team showed up and it wasn't my family's team...  :(   Oh well, just a game, right...well, if you're a die-hard football fan, don't answer that!

The rest of my weekend has been pretty great.  After a really difficult month being short-staffed and employees pretending they don't know our policies, I am looking forward to starting the interview process this next week, and relieved at an answer to prayer. 

It wasn't even a prayer I had spoken or formed words for, but it solved a dilemma I wasn't sure how to fix.  One of my employees and I have struggled off and on the past few months.  Her perspective didn't match with mine and my attempts to help her become more of a team player failed.  She ended up turning in her notice and I was surprised at the peace that filled me when I received her resignation.  I had hoped to work through the challenges with her and see her become a strong part of our team, but I guess God has other things in mind.

Our first staff meeting of the month was also this week and I really felt good about it.  I shared my vision for our program, some of the changes coming up and expectations I have for how our program will run.  I know it was received well by some, others I think will accept the changes as they come.  It was one of the first meetings where I was strong as a leader on my own, not depending on anyone and being very clear about what I expected. 

At church this weekend, it felt like icing on the cake.  My hubby wasn't able to join us as he wasn't feeling well, and even though I was alone, I was happy to be in the presence of the Lord and glad for my children to be in Sunday School.  The sermon was on prayer and that is a topic I haven't really focused on much before.  I enjoyed the tidbits and when we got home, my hubby talked about getting on the prayer chain email list and praying as a family.  That is uber exciting to me!