Life Update

I can't believe how long it has been since I last wrote!  My life has virtually been turned upside down at work...in a good way, I think...we'll see.

Instead of interviewing for my boss's position, I was given the job as an interim and I am now living out a 2-month long interview trying to stay true to myself and to the Lord as I hope my actions are a showing what I am capable of.  It has been a month of pure and utter chaos thus far.  I am grateful for my admin. assistant who has risen above and beyond the call of her job description and has been a true helper for me.  We are a great team and we get along beautifully.  Many times we have spent afternoons or mornings in prayer, shared our stress and concerns only to watch the Lord orchestrate the answer to our prayers without our involvement.  God is a good, good God.  Each day seems to bring a new challenge and these challenges are not ones I would expect to face.  Most of them are rare to the business, but are all happening in a very short time frame.  I feel confident in the Lord's provision and the way I have handled things.  I have definitely made mistakes, but I also know that He has been equipping me for each new challenge that comes along.  And that fact is what fills me with peace about this chaos around me.

On the home front, we are busily preparing for the winter season, allbeit a bit delayed.  After purchasing the supplies and furniture to update our bathroom two-years ago (installation delayed by my hubby's health issues), we are nearly finished with the updates!  Hurray!  My husband has started taking injections instead of the topical gel he was using and his quality of life has much improved and as a result, so has life for our whole family!  He has more energy and is typically in better spirits on a more regular basis than before.  I got to give him the first at-home injection and it was kinda cool.  Now he does them himself.  I always thought I would never want to be in the medical field because of my extreme dislike for needles, but now I know that my dislike for needles is only skin deep....literally!  LOL!  We also got a goldendoodle puppy since I last wrote.  She is adorable and so much fun.  She has a calm and sweet personality (for a puppy), but definitely needs to work off energy before we leave her alone during the day!  I am looking forward to the end of the potty training period...it could be a while.

Nine month check-up Come and Gone

Life has been so busy lately, that I didn't even blog about my husband's 9 month check up.  It was a good visit.  Still in remission, praise the Lord!

Doctor visits are now mostly just follow up and maintenance.  The first medication we tried he was developing a reaction to and his hormone levels were still too low.  So, now we get to try a new medication in the form of an injection.  I hope it helps and is easy to find the right dosage.  The low levels cause low energy and varied emotions which can be frustrating for him and for me. 

We did learn that the researchers for his cancer are beginning to loosen up on the follow-up requirements.  There is a possibility that we will only need an x-ray at his 1 year visit instead of a CT scan.  I would prefer to have the scan.  When he the recurrence happened, it was the CT scan that found it, not the x-ray.  I don't carry much trust in x-rays...but doctors are supposed to know best.

Sometimes I think of the people who have dealt with cancer and choose to actively seek further support and research for cures.  I'm not one of those people.  I don't like living near those memories.  They are full of pain and sorrow.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the growth in my faith and the close bonds it created as we lived moment by moment and day by day.  I still think I am "dealing" with everything we went through.  Discovering what I think and feel about the things we have survived.  Moving on after cancer is different.  Not necessarily difficult, but not easy either.  Life never goes back to the normal it once was.  We have a new normal.  My youngest still asks God to help Daddy's surgery get better in almost every prayer.  She knows it is a scar that he'll always have, but she has the routine of praying for her daddy's health in that way.  I wonder when that prayer will change.  My view of life isn't as carefree anymore.  I know it can all be changed in a heartbeat.  I strive consistently to make every moment as great as possible.

Learning little lessons one at a time.

Life has been incredibly busy.  My boss is retiring and I am one of the candidates to move into her position.  The bad thing is that since I'm the only candidate from within the company I feel like every move I make is part of a living interview that isn't going to end for another month or more. God has been good to me, guiding me and revealing things I need to know about myself and how I choose to act.  I have a lot of insecurities that have surfaced, but I am also very aware of them for what they are.  I am learning a lot, which I like, but it isn't always a fun process either.  The Lord has been here with me, listening to my groanings and providing for my needs.  Life is overwhelming.  As I am living this interview I am doing my own job and also being given the opportunity to take on the role of the position I have applied for.  God has revealed a lot of what my strengths and weaknesses are.  I have prayed that His will would be done.  I am a willing servant, but I only desire His will because He knows best.  I don't know for sure that this position is definitely where God wants me.  I have stepped through one open door and await His leading to either close or open more doors in this process.  The one thing I know is that this position requires more than what I am on my own.  It requires submission and reliance on the presence of God to work His way in our company.

Life and Love with Loss

This is a good place to come to grieve.  My cousin's baby girl passed away this week after a long 4-month battle to try and save her life.  She never got to go home.  Her parents never got to dress her in all the cute little girly outfits.  There is an empty nursery that never got to meet her.  I mourn for their pain as a parent.  I hurt for all the things they don't get to do that every parent dreams of doing with their baby girl.

The part that brings me peace is that they are strong in the Lord and their little baby is now healthy and strong with Jesus.  Knowing that someday they will see her again and that she is no longer struggling is a big comfort.

I read a valuable piece of information this week.  Jesus is our Daily Bread, praying and reading the Word.  He is manna to our souls.  And just like the manna God sent the Israelites, we must gather our Daily Bread each day...one day's Daily Bread is only enough to sustain us for that day.  Each day we need a new helping of Daily Bread.  I learned that from David Wilkerson's Hungry For More of Jesus book.  It was a lightbulb moment for me because I have lived that lesson and never really fully understood it like this before.  God is so good. :)

Indescribable, uncontainable...

God is so, so good.  He fills me with awe and wonder.  Our little human race is so undeserving of the love He has given freely.  Today was a training day at work.  As one of the leaders I had the task of planning out the day's schedule and topics.  God, who is always faithful, enabled our leadership team to accomplish the tasks required for the day despite power outages, personal attacks from broken people, illness and fatigue.  We were called to bring accountability to our organization and boundaries where there had been none before.  It was a daunting task and we were attacked for it, but I continue to be blessed with godly confidence and peace in what was said and presented.

It is such an indescribable feeling to be a vessel used by God to bring glory to Himself.  On my own I would never be the person I was today.  I have so far still to go, so much to learn and discover; yet God is working through me and my counterparts to do mighty things in His Kingdom.  I truly am filled with awe.  It isn't a cocky, self-confident feeling or attitude.  It is a confident peace that God had His way today.  There are no insecurities or self-doubt.  I praise the Lord for the things He is putting into place.  I pray that His will would continue to be accomplished and nothing would be allowed to stand in His way...that I and those who serve along-side me will continue to steadfastly trust and seek Him first, to not stumble or fall to cause others to stumble or fall.  Thank you, Jesus!

Tragedy

Last Friday morning was the Aurora/Colorado/Batman Massacre as people have named it.  None of the names seem appropriate to me.  Somehow I feel like they are bringing glory to what happened instead of focusing on the good of the people, stories focused on the horror of the suspect's actions.

An intelligent man made a life-altering choice for himself and for numerous others.  This man I think of with distaste, pity, and sorrow.  I cannot imagine the state of his spiritual life to have come to a place where he chose to do the things he did.  I know the Christian thing would be to love him as Christ does, to pray for his salvation...I do desire those things for him, I don't know if I could do it if I were to meet him.  Not that that will ever happen.  I'm not involved whatsoever in this scenario aside from the people I know connected to it.  I question how he could sink so low, and I would go so far as to pray for him, to defend God's desire to see him changed.  My desire isn't there yet.  I don't have any desires good or bad for what happens to him.  I understand it was a senseless act and trying to understand the mind of someone like that is impossible and even dangerous.  I don't want to go there.

My heart hurts for the pain of the people in Aurora.  At first I heard the news and just wished it would go away.  I didn't want to have to deal with another sinful person who took the lives of innocents.  The same reason I avoid watching the nightly news...too much focus on the horrendous, the hurt and the broken.  But it wasn't something I could ignore and definitely something I couldn't avoid...the news stories were everywhere.

Thankfully, a church is actively seeking to help those hurting because of this incident.  A church that posts updates, offers unsolicited support in tangible ways, and a church that had 33 members in attendance that fateful night.  The city of Aurora held a prayer vigil, sponsored by the local government, and somehow, amazingly, God was at the center of it all. In my mind's eye I see a huge spiritual battle over the city of Aurora, Colorado right now.  What Satan had worked for evil is being used for God's glory.  Over and over I hear of the many things that God is doing through this tragedy.  And I am thankful.  I praise the Lord for his loving arms of comfort and encouragement.  I praise him for his faithful servants.  I look forward to seeing what more good things God will bring out of this devastation.

Burden of Responsibility

My blogs have been shorter and fewer since cancer.  Part of it is the simple truth that life is not as awesomely challenging anymore.  I mean, everyone wants to know how you manage surviving life with cancer...but does everyone really want to know about my personal struggles in life?  Do I want you to know?  As it seems with many, I am my hardest critic.  I can label myself guilty and unworthy so quickly it isn't funny.

I have a recurring issue that I struggle with.  My mind works too fast for my mouth to keep up with and often when speaking I say things that don't match my intentions.  Mentally I work best when I am able to focus on one thing at a time.  The responsible person I must be at work is different than the responsible wife/mom I must be at home.  I am a completely different wife/mother when my only responsibility in a day is to be the best wife/mom I can be.  I have always wanted to be a stay-home mom.  I never desired to have a career...but it isn't the lifestyle my husband and I have.  It isn't possible right now and may never be.  I feel like I cannot give my family what they deserve because I must give so much to a full time job...to be a different person at work than I am at home.  It is a struggle that crescendo's and decrescendo's routinely in my life.  It is a huge weight of responsibility to bear because I do want to be the super mom/wife that I think I could be if I weren't a working mom.  I think perhaps my home would be cleaner, more organized.  My children would have my full attention more often and I would know them better than I do.

And related to that issue is my second largest issue in life right now.  Since I am in a full time job with responsibility, I want to share the burden of responsibility I feel for my family with my husband, but I don't think men are designed to think the way women are.  Often I think my concerns are ones that don't even come up on his radar...makes me think of the book title Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.  God certainly did not make us the same.