Patience vs. Determination

I have often been praised for having patience in situations.  It is more than mere patience.  It is a stubborn determination to battle past a the obstacles...to get past that seemingly solid wall and break through.  In my line of work this often means getting past a child's fear or pride to break through to the vulnerable child on the inside who longs to be loved and understood. 

Many times in my career I have used this stubborn so-called patience to help a child succeed. 

• A four-year-old at nap time who shows early signs of ADHD can't lay still to sleep.  Constant and consistent relaxing touches from head to toe for 30 minutes did the trick and over repeated efforts, helped this child get the rest he needed.
• An eight-year-old who'd been abused and ran away repeatedly intentionally trying to be kicked out.  After hours on end spent with him hiding under a chair in my office, he learned summer camp was a safe place to be.  A place with boundaries and rules he could trust to be there.  This progress allowed him to have a positive experience with other children, other adults, and let his mother attend school to support her children after escaping from their abuser.
• A three-year-old who had been unwittingly taught to use tantrums to meet her wants and needs learned more appropriate ways to express herself and began to accept authority without the tantrums.

Reaching adults is not so simple...they are not children.  They are not stuck with me and I can't lovingly outlast them. They can run away.  Their walls are not so easy to understand and their lies are harder to see.  Their attacks reach a much deeper personal level than a child's feeble attempts.

Physical Therapy

Hello!  The last few weeks have been super busy!  School ended for the kids and summer camp chaos has begun.  I started physical therapy and after two sessions have learned much more about my injury and what things I can do to help my body heal.

Basically, in a bad accident the body is violently thrown/jerked/etc.  The muscles clench in an effort to stabilize the body and protect it.  When clenched muscles are still violently jerked around, it causes injury and aggravates the muscles.  Failure to treat these muscles carefully can result in the muscles learning how to incorrectly behave in response to your body's movements.  Thus, causing additional pain and potential complications.

My therapist recommended not lifting more than 5 pounds for a while if possible.  Resting periodically throughout the day (lying down so my muscles don't have to hold up that weight called my head!), and very gently moving my head in ways that don't hurt my muscles to help the muscles learn to appropriately respond to my body movements.  Basically, anything that causes my muscles to increase in pain or tighten needs to be avoided right now.  A very light massage helps to increase blood flow to the muscles and reduces the pain.  The "tens" instrument (pads that emit electric pulse through the muscle) feels really good when it is on the right setting. 

I am doing a little better.  The hardest part is making time in my busy day to just rest and lay down.  The second hardest is making sure I sleep in a good position.  The other night my little one had a bad cold and couldn't sleep in her bed and after a bad dream didn't want to sleep by herself, so we snuggled on the couch...that hurt, but she needed me most.  :)  We're looking at purchasing a special roll so I can copy some of the exercises at home that I did in PT.

A snapshot of this moment

It's been a while since I've blogged.  My blogs have been sporadic and haltingly composed.  Needless to say, I'm going through something on a deeply personal level.  Rather than opening my bleeding heart to the world, I have treasured the silence and mourned the lack of relationship.  This blog allows me to share my heart, but it doesn't develop relationship.  I would say it hinders relationship.

Anywho...I felt like writing for the first time in a while and I'll probably ramble.  I've been in a place where I have been uncertain of how I feel about God.  I can't say that I am mad at Him, although I haven't been very willing to listen for Him either.  I have a frustration somewhere deep and I've been emotionally hurt recently in a way that makes me unwilling to openly trust Him either -even though my head tells me that's a copout.  I grow weary of the struggle spiritually.  Whatever this season might be, or even its purpose -I can't define it right now.  I'm just living through it.  Waiting on God, acknowledging my faults and whatever is going on is how I'm coping.

Physically I am in pain constantly with my neck/shoulders/back.  Physical therapy starts this coming week.  Dealing with the pain is something I can handle even though I find it exasperating.  Resting and not using my muscles is hard to maintain.  I will get to a place where I can last 7 hours without needing pain medications before everything starts stiffening up, but if I begin to use my muscles at all...it takes all that "progress" backwards.  I have a high-level of pain tolerance, especially muscle pain...I gave birth completely naturally twice...it never "hurt" to a point of wanting to give up.  It was just exhausting to accomplish.  I don't want to unwittingly down-play the reality of the injury to doctors.  I just want to know what is going on, and the how's and why's that go with it.  Since this is my first experience with this type of health problem in my own body, I want to understand it.  I hope that the therapist will be able to teach me.

Accident Update

My car is officially a "Total Loss"...I guess between all the birthdays in our family this month we get to shop for a car!  I've been wanting a new car, but never imagined this would be the event to trigger accomplishing it!

Medically, the side effects of the pain reliever was worse than the pain relief so I'm restricted to Tylenol for now.  It temporarily takes the edge off the pain, but doesn't do what the other meds did.  It hurt simply to hold a 5-month old infant in my arms today at work.  Thankfully, much of my job is office work and doesn't require too much lifting.  I can't tell you how frustrating it is not to be able to do the things I used to do so easily.  Instead of clearing out a closet full of bins, I had to wait for the assistance of others.  It isn't what I'm used to and is a real adjustment to realize what I can and can't do right now.

We're still waiting for the insurance companies to work out the liabilities and medical claim portions.  It will probably be another week or so before we hear for sure what the end result will be.  Insurance is nice, but never simple.  Always complicated!

For Mom

Hi, Mom!  I know you read this often.  Sorry I haven't written much lately.

The car accident was four days ago.  Only two business days though, so I am still waiting to see what the insurance inspection of my car determines.  The guesstimate is that it is a "total loss" and then hopefully the other insurance company will accept liability and we'll make a settlement for the car and injuries.

If they find it repairable, it becomes a decision of how much it would cost to repair vs. potentially getting a new car anyway.  The good news is that it was already paid off.

The kids seem okay.  Your oldest granddaughter enjoyed being the center of attention at school sharing her story with the class at school and answering questions from her peers about all she experienced.  The highlights seem to be the accident with my window breaking and the car tire falling off, riding in a police cruiser, and meeting the firemen.

She seems to be doing well, but still complaining of a bit of a headache in quiet moments.  Might call her doc tomorrow about that.  It doesn't hinder her from normal activities though, that's a good sign.

Your youngest granddaughter got her teacher to give her a Band-Aid over the bruise she has from her seatbelt.  A Band-Aid worn quite proudly too.  :0)

My muscles remain quite sore when I'm not on pain meds, but I've been resting and not using them too much so they will hopefully heal sooner rather than later.  The hardest part is waiting for everything.  Waiting to hear from insurance companies.  Waiting for the pain to stop.  Wondering what the next step is going to be.  It's no fun to be waiting.  Love you!

Rough Patch

Been learning things along the way these past several weeks. 

I made a commitment to God and I broke it.
I felt separated from Him.
I disappointed myself.  I got discouraged.
Then I got mad and stubborn...like a stiff-necked Israelite.

I am strong.
I am determined.
I am a survivor.
I am an overcomer.

Being strong and overcoming obstacles means that you don't give up.  You don't run away.  You live through the struggle and continue to be the best you can be despite the odds.

However, the best I can be on my own is never enough.
I can't do it alone.
I can't do it in my own power.
I need my Lord and Savior.
I need His guidance and His hope.

That's one of the lessons I have been re-learning.
Another lesson is that no matter how many times we fail God, He remains faithful.  He remains steady.  And.  I need Him.

I wonder how many of us would be different people if we took a moment to appreciate, to do a small kind, unexpected gesture to say "Hey, I am thinking about you and I care"?

When it happens, it is like a bright and shining star lighting up the day...even if only for a moment.  I look back at my day and it might all have been full of challenge and struggle, but that one moment, all the struggles can't overshadow that shining star.  At least someone cared, someone made the effort, even if just for a moment.