Many Changes.

Professionally, I'm adjusting to my new job.  It is much more physically demanding - teaching and caring for a class full of infants is very busy!  Each one is very different with their own personality...not a new concept, but so very much obvious as I've gotten to know them the past few weeks.  Mentally it is learning their cues, voices, and likes/dislikes.  Discovering their current skills and challenging them to develop further in ways that they find enjoyable...not always easy!  Physically it is comforting, rocking, bouncing, varieties of facial expressions and eye-contact, bending over, holding my arms and legs out for periods of time as I care for multiple babies at a time.  My body is remembering muscles it forgot it had! 

Emotionally, I am up and down.  Sometimes I am very positive and can easily see the ways that God has worked in my life through the trials I've lived this year.  Other times the negative emotions and memories weigh on my mind.  My life has gone through major changes on all fronts and living it is sometimes uncomfortable because so much of it is new.

Spiritually,  God is bringing me back into a place where I can learn and grow, rather than be overwhelmed and trying to make it work on my own.  I was so far out of my gifting and so far from where I needed to be for my own whole-ness.  I don't miss my old job at all.  It still seems strange to say that, after all the loyalty and passion I had for it...it is not even a concern at all.  It's completely in God's hands and out of mine.  I do miss the relationships.  Thirteen years in the same place is a great way to develop relationship, and I miss the encouragement of my fellow Christian women.

Personally, I still wear hats of responsibility at home that keep me busy.  The time God gave me between jobs enabled me to be home with my children for a good portion of the summer and beginning of the school year.  Instead of working to achieve the goal of being WITH my children, there was not much else in the way.  And now, with the job I have, I get to pick them up from school every day and work rarely follows me home.  Work is work and home is home.  That piece is very refreshing.  I feel more able to serve from compassion rather than obligation in both realms.

Coping.

This is my year to be broken.  A scary car accident in April.  A hurtful end to my longtime job in July.  Starting a new job in unfamiliar territory.  A second terrifying car accident.

I am not myself.
Because I don't know her anymore.
Her confidence is shattered.
Her way of life as she once knew it, is gone.
God is making everything new and it hurts.
I just pray He makes me whole again. 
With confidence and trust in Him rather than myself.

The most recent car accident lands on my shoulders for the weight of responsibility.  A split second misunderstood expectation of the other driver's intentions and a decision I couldn't change once I acted on it placed my daughter in harm's way.  The thousands upon thousands of driving close calls we see on a regular basis, and this had to happen.  I now fear intersections.  I take routes specifically to minimize the potential of risky situations.  Driving brings anxiety, especially when other vehicles drive unsafely.

I do not feel guilty.  Only broken.
To watch her fall in and out of consciousness in the hospital.
Not knowing the extent of the harm my actions caused.
I am grateful she only received a concussion and nothing more.
Her cognitive abilities are returning.  I hope and pray she recovers fully to her prior self.
I remind myself that God uses all things for the good of those who love Him.
Somehow He has a plan and purpose within all this for my benefit.  For her benefit.

Watching her flit around the house, seemingly without an understanding of where she was going or what she would do when she got there.
Watching her unspoken struggles. 
Unable to play her favorite computer games.  Unable to draw as detailed as she used to. 
Her sadness in realizing that she couldn't make the pencil grace the page and settling for less.  Or simply giving up.  Unable to focus or concentrate. 
Mental exhaustion comes quickly and easily.  The first few days of recovery are very relaxed and lazy as simply watching movies or attempting a task causes fatigue.

Realizing that our whole family needed to make adjustments for her as she heals.
Previously always trying to keep up, her sister now is patient and loving with her, playing in simpler ways.
Finding ways to keep her mind active while not pushing her too hard.  Re-adjusting our understanding of her abilities.
Physically helping her to bathe, as she lacked the coordination and even the recognition that she didn't complete a task.
Watching the bruising on her body and face expand and heal with the beautifully ugly colors of purple and yellow-green.

She is greatly improved within the five days since the accident.  Her memory is recovering its attention to detail.  Her coordination is improving and the stumbling less frequent.  Her last bath, she was close to her previous abilities to accomplish the task.  She has successfully been able to return to school.  Her teacher working with her, still working on the same subjects, but decreasing the workload for her to a manageable level.
She still is restless at times.  Wandering aimlessly about the house or a room, picking up objects and putting them down elsewhere.  Asking to do things and moving on before an answer is given.  My guess is her mental perseverance is wearing thin during these times and she needs rest, but doesn't recognize it.

I am thankful she is healing.
I am thankful I am healing...emotionally, physically, spiritually...

Employed Again!

It's been a nerve-wracking week.  I turned down the first position I was offered.  It was farther from home than I wanted to work, but the money and hours would have been enough. 

The second job offer I also turned down in order to wait for answers on my last and final interview.  It was close to home and offered the highest wage, but for some reason it just didn't feel right.  It was very scary to turn down all job offers without having another offer on the table, but both my husband and I felt it was what God wanted us to do.  So we stepped out in faith, waiting to see what God would do.

I interviewed twice in 4 days.  They offered me a position other than what I interviewed for at a rate that was just too low.  I countered back asking them to consider the rate my hubby and I felt was needed for our family, and after an agonizing day of waiting for an answer, they met my asking rate! 

The job I have accepted, just this morning, is a little closer to home than my last position.  What is so awesome, is that the hours are perfect!  I will be able to pick my children up from school and we'll avoid most childcare costs since my husband is changing his work hours to be able to drop them off at school.  They won't have to change schools this year either.  Such a blessing!

I don't know when I start yet, I haven't signed a contract yet.  Praise the Lord, He has led me through and provided for me and my family! 

My new position is an Infant Nursery Supervisor - I will lead two classrooms of infants, working closely with the other teachers and the parents of the babies.  It isn't a role I thought I would be in, but I'm very excited about it!

Transitions are a Challenge!

It's been less than a week since I decided to look for a new job.  Instead of giving my 30-day notice on Monday, I was let go and given three days to wrap up my job duties.  The positive is that they did give me severance pay stating that it was simply due to a difference in business philosophy between both parties.  I can live with that even though it hurt so much that day.

I've had two interviews, one job offer that I'm considering, and another interview tomorrow. The bummer deal is that I think our kiddos will have to go to public school for the first time in their lives.  All the charter schools I've contacted in our area have waiting lists or are no longer taking applications for the year.

Even though this is a very scary time for me, I was so comfortable and attached to my job that I probably wouldn't have left very easily without this turn of events.  God's removed any control I might have had in the situation and forced me to rely on Him again.  It's nice...in a very uncomfortable sort of way.  :0)

Another positive is that throughout this week when I've had so much discouragement, many people around me are supporting me.  The good relationships I have with others in my field are coming out of the woodwork and reminding me that I'm not a complete failure, and it is a good time for a change.

Thank you for your prayers, I need them!

Moving forward

I am half excited and half terrified to be moving forward in my life.  Recent events with my job have made it very clear that I've reached the end of a chapter.  I am actively looking for a new job, still in my career field of early childhood education.

It is exciting because there is always a bit of adventure that comes with new things.  It is terrifying because  the unknown is scary.  There are many variables that have to fit perfectly.  New salary, new location, paying for before/after school for the kids, will we need to change schools for our children?  So many things I cannot control, what happens is entirely up to God as He leads.

I've been busy applying for all sorts of jobs from admin work to teacher to nanny.  I've even considered leaving my career field, but am waiting to see how the interviews I have this week pan out.

In other news I have one more PT appointment this week and we'll decide then whether or not to continue with the appointments.  My pain levels are decreasing and I've learned many new exercises.  I still rely on muscle relaxers at night, but with them I can stay mostly pain free during the daytimes.  It has been a slow process, but I'm encouraged with the improvement I've had.

Patience vs. Determination

I have often been praised for having patience in situations.  It is more than mere patience.  It is a stubborn determination to battle past a the obstacles...to get past that seemingly solid wall and break through.  In my line of work this often means getting past a child's fear or pride to break through to the vulnerable child on the inside who longs to be loved and understood. 

Many times in my career I have used this stubborn so-called patience to help a child succeed. 

• A four-year-old at nap time who shows early signs of ADHD can't lay still to sleep.  Constant and consistent relaxing touches from head to toe for 30 minutes did the trick and over repeated efforts, helped this child get the rest he needed.
• An eight-year-old who'd been abused and ran away repeatedly intentionally trying to be kicked out.  After hours on end spent with him hiding under a chair in my office, he learned summer camp was a safe place to be.  A place with boundaries and rules he could trust to be there.  This progress allowed him to have a positive experience with other children, other adults, and let his mother attend school to support her children after escaping from their abuser.
• A three-year-old who had been unwittingly taught to use tantrums to meet her wants and needs learned more appropriate ways to express herself and began to accept authority without the tantrums.

Reaching adults is not so simple...they are not children.  They are not stuck with me and I can't lovingly outlast them. They can run away.  Their walls are not so easy to understand and their lies are harder to see.  Their attacks reach a much deeper personal level than a child's feeble attempts.

Physical Therapy

Hello!  The last few weeks have been super busy!  School ended for the kids and summer camp chaos has begun.  I started physical therapy and after two sessions have learned much more about my injury and what things I can do to help my body heal.

Basically, in a bad accident the body is violently thrown/jerked/etc.  The muscles clench in an effort to stabilize the body and protect it.  When clenched muscles are still violently jerked around, it causes injury and aggravates the muscles.  Failure to treat these muscles carefully can result in the muscles learning how to incorrectly behave in response to your body's movements.  Thus, causing additional pain and potential complications.

My therapist recommended not lifting more than 5 pounds for a while if possible.  Resting periodically throughout the day (lying down so my muscles don't have to hold up that weight called my head!), and very gently moving my head in ways that don't hurt my muscles to help the muscles learn to appropriately respond to my body movements.  Basically, anything that causes my muscles to increase in pain or tighten needs to be avoided right now.  A very light massage helps to increase blood flow to the muscles and reduces the pain.  The "tens" instrument (pads that emit electric pulse through the muscle) feels really good when it is on the right setting. 

I am doing a little better.  The hardest part is making time in my busy day to just rest and lay down.  The second hardest is making sure I sleep in a good position.  The other night my little one had a bad cold and couldn't sleep in her bed and after a bad dream didn't want to sleep by herself, so we snuggled on the couch...that hurt, but she needed me most.  :)  We're looking at purchasing a special roll so I can copy some of the exercises at home that I did in PT.