Discouraged

I am a glutton for punishment. I watched 'My Sister's Keeper' tonight.  It was a good movie.  I knew it would be an emotional one and almost didn't watch it, but I'm not sad that I did.

The past several weeks have been intense for me.  Discouragement that bordered on depression was becoming part of my view of life and I couldn't figure it out.  The no-brainer is that I haven't been spending my time with God.  That alone always opens me up for difficulties.  The thing was, I knew that I was neglecting that quiet time and I wasn't motivated to change it.  It was very dark and didn't seem very rational to me.

I'm positive that a spiritual battle is waging over my life right now, and only after asking for prayer has the darkness lifted.  It is still there, but I am not buried beneath the weight of it anymore.  I don't know that I have ever faced discouragement like this before.  Things in my job and at home seemed so monumental when normally I just deal with them and move on.  I grew weary of fighting the good fight.  Maybe it is part of dealing with the grieving process of surviving cancer with my husband.  Maybe it is solely a spiritual growth issue.  Whatever it is, it isn't over.

This thing I cannot face on my own.  It confuses me, twists my thoughts, defeats my will to fight.  I don't know why I am so stubborn and prideful sometimes.  I am far from perfect and I also know that I am not as near to worthless as the devil would have me believe.  Knowing isn't enough.  Doing isn't enough.  It must be a heart battle.  I cannot overcome on my own power.  God has to do something in me.  I need to allow him to do whatever he needs to do.  Even though I feel like I should be done persevering,  I need Him to give me rest and teach me to live in that rest as I continue following Him.

Under Attack

The stress of the past week got to me tonight.  Feeling so discouraged and angry.  Not having any control or ability to speak out about what was happening around me and to people I care about.  Then my husband gently reminded me...had I given it to God?  Had I let go or was I holding on?

It brought a whole new perspective to light.  Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I prayed asking God to take my burden.  To remove it from me.  To enable me to let it go and not let it fester.  I am slowly feeling more at peace and more able to rest.  I prayed for those making the decisions that were wreaking havoc in my life.  I know I am not the only one being attacked lately.  I pray that we would be delivered and strengthened and our perspective would be His.