Discouraged

I am a glutton for punishment. I watched 'My Sister's Keeper' tonight.  It was a good movie.  I knew it would be an emotional one and almost didn't watch it, but I'm not sad that I did.

The past several weeks have been intense for me.  Discouragement that bordered on depression was becoming part of my view of life and I couldn't figure it out.  The no-brainer is that I haven't been spending my time with God.  That alone always opens me up for difficulties.  The thing was, I knew that I was neglecting that quiet time and I wasn't motivated to change it.  It was very dark and didn't seem very rational to me.

I'm positive that a spiritual battle is waging over my life right now, and only after asking for prayer has the darkness lifted.  It is still there, but I am not buried beneath the weight of it anymore.  I don't know that I have ever faced discouragement like this before.  Things in my job and at home seemed so monumental when normally I just deal with them and move on.  I grew weary of fighting the good fight.  Maybe it is part of dealing with the grieving process of surviving cancer with my husband.  Maybe it is solely a spiritual growth issue.  Whatever it is, it isn't over.

This thing I cannot face on my own.  It confuses me, twists my thoughts, defeats my will to fight.  I don't know why I am so stubborn and prideful sometimes.  I am far from perfect and I also know that I am not as near to worthless as the devil would have me believe.  Knowing isn't enough.  Doing isn't enough.  It must be a heart battle.  I cannot overcome on my own power.  God has to do something in me.  I need to allow him to do whatever he needs to do.  Even though I feel like I should be done persevering,  I need Him to give me rest and teach me to live in that rest as I continue following Him.