Discouragement is an effective tool. At least against me anyway.
Losing hope is no fun. Finding it again is better.
I had my priorities all mixed up.
My Life's Priorities:
God
Husband
Children
Me
Home
Church
...and then work, way down at the bottom!
My job is simply a job. The means to an end. The means to enabling me to be home with my family more than any other job I might take on. I spent a lot of time searching out options. Ultimately, I could get another job that would even pay similar wages without the responsibilities I bear now. But the exchange would be less time at home with my family, something I'm not willing to give up.
Recognizing what my priorities are helped to change my perspective and while I'm still muddling through, I'm not as lost.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Confusing
Self-discovery is the name of the game. I'm not sure I still agree with my previous assessment of myself. Hmmm...reading that sentence is ironic and makes me laugh. Trying to analyze my life and my faith journey may not be the best thing to be doing -only God truly knows what is actually going on.
I'm ready for a change in my life. I don't know what that change is, but I am ready to move forward and not be stuck in this endless roller coaster. I am not a person who gets angry, but I did. I'm not a person who speaks from emotion because I know my emotions can be deceptive. Somehow I have gotten to this place where I don't even recognize myself in my own behavior.
The question remains -and only time will tell- what change is going to happen and when?
I'm ready for a change in my life. I don't know what that change is, but I am ready to move forward and not be stuck in this endless roller coaster. I am not a person who gets angry, but I did. I'm not a person who speaks from emotion because I know my emotions can be deceptive. Somehow I have gotten to this place where I don't even recognize myself in my own behavior.
The question remains -and only time will tell- what change is going to happen and when?
Saturday, August 30, 2014
The HEART of the Matter
As I have repented and mulled over my outburst of anger I am learning about myself and discovering more of who I am versus who I portray myself as. James chapter 3 speaks of controlling the tongue and the difference between worldly wisdom and godly wisdom.
My typical behavior often portrays godly wisdom traits. Selfish ambition and bitter envy are not things I recognize in myself, but I think they are subtly in my personality in their own ways. Often the person I portray myself to be has very selfish or bitter thoughts. I just don't express them outwardly. Realizing this means that yes, I can be passive-aggressive. More than that, I'm understanding more of what it means when the bible says that God looks at the heart. Even if I'm behaving in a godly manner, God knows my heart and my true attitude about a situation. I want my heart attitude to match my behavior, and I don't want it to be in a selfish or bitter way!
My typical behavior often portrays godly wisdom traits. Selfish ambition and bitter envy are not things I recognize in myself, but I think they are subtly in my personality in their own ways. Often the person I portray myself to be has very selfish or bitter thoughts. I just don't express them outwardly. Realizing this means that yes, I can be passive-aggressive. More than that, I'm understanding more of what it means when the bible says that God looks at the heart. Even if I'm behaving in a godly manner, God knows my heart and my true attitude about a situation. I want my heart attitude to match my behavior, and I don't want it to be in a selfish or bitter way!
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Anger
Anger got the best of me. Circumstances pushed all the right buttons and I am learning I am capable of some very strong anger.
I have always avoided conflict; flown under the radar; stayed in the safe-zone. My job has put me front and center. The person I've always presented myself as, is changing. I am not sure how I feel about it.
In my job there are few policies. Decisions are simply made and rules have always been treated as guidelines. I have spent the past two years putting policies into place and enforcing rules...not to be rigid and controlling, but to bring into place accountability and consistency. I watched my predecessor say yes to one employee and then no to another simply based on the emotion of the day rather than having a policy that outlined a consistent answer for all employees.
My new boundaries were tested. A couple people have gone to my supervisor rather than to me and I got angry. Very angry. So angry that I expressed it to them. I have lost my cool with an adult for the first time in my life and I have damaged a previously good working relationship. We talked it through and can work professionally, but the relationship that was once there is no more. There was no admission of wrong doing on either side, so the silent agreement to disagree and move on is what is left.
I dislike this feeling. I dislike that the relationship was damaged. I could apologize, but only for allowing my anger to come out in my words. I am not sorry for what was said, just how I said it. If I would have waited to respond it could have been said in a less aggressive way.
I have always avoided conflict; flown under the radar; stayed in the safe-zone. My job has put me front and center. The person I've always presented myself as, is changing. I am not sure how I feel about it.
In my job there are few policies. Decisions are simply made and rules have always been treated as guidelines. I have spent the past two years putting policies into place and enforcing rules...not to be rigid and controlling, but to bring into place accountability and consistency. I watched my predecessor say yes to one employee and then no to another simply based on the emotion of the day rather than having a policy that outlined a consistent answer for all employees.
My new boundaries were tested. A couple people have gone to my supervisor rather than to me and I got angry. Very angry. So angry that I expressed it to them. I have lost my cool with an adult for the first time in my life and I have damaged a previously good working relationship. We talked it through and can work professionally, but the relationship that was once there is no more. There was no admission of wrong doing on either side, so the silent agreement to disagree and move on is what is left.
I dislike this feeling. I dislike that the relationship was damaged. I could apologize, but only for allowing my anger to come out in my words. I am not sorry for what was said, just how I said it. If I would have waited to respond it could have been said in a less aggressive way.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Putting God First
It's been a slower process than it probably should have been. I am still figuring out how to make time for God. He doesn't want to be my last minute -let's squeeze in a few minutes before bedtime- relationship.
My pastor is known for saying, "If God is telling you to do something -do it!" Obey immediately, don't wait, don't delay. The sooner you step into God's will, the better for you.
I have delayed, but God is still lovingly guiding me and reminding me of His desires for me to know Him more. Friday night was a meeting at work and afterwards I hesitantly told God I was going to start making those changes to make Him first.
I didn't commit to making time verbally because I was afraid I would fail. But Saturday I was determined to create my space for Him again. I had allowed my secretary desk space to become cluttered with papers from my kids, hair things, and piles of not-quite dirty clothes I might wear one more time before washing. I am proud to say I did clear that space up. I didn't make time to be with God and once again fit Him in just before bed. My prayer is that I will determine to make time each day where I can be still before the Lord. I know He is also committed to me and will lead me in making time in the best way.
I realized one of my fears that had delayed me from obeying God, was that I wasn't sure what part of my day to sacrifice for time with Him. I was afraid whatever part of my day I cleared for Him would be the wrong part so I didn't clear any part. Foolish, yes. I live and learn -often the hard way!
My pastor is known for saying, "If God is telling you to do something -do it!" Obey immediately, don't wait, don't delay. The sooner you step into God's will, the better for you.
I have delayed, but God is still lovingly guiding me and reminding me of His desires for me to know Him more. Friday night was a meeting at work and afterwards I hesitantly told God I was going to start making those changes to make Him first.
I didn't commit to making time verbally because I was afraid I would fail. But Saturday I was determined to create my space for Him again. I had allowed my secretary desk space to become cluttered with papers from my kids, hair things, and piles of not-quite dirty clothes I might wear one more time before washing. I am proud to say I did clear that space up. I didn't make time to be with God and once again fit Him in just before bed. My prayer is that I will determine to make time each day where I can be still before the Lord. I know He is also committed to me and will lead me in making time in the best way.
I realized one of my fears that had delayed me from obeying God, was that I wasn't sure what part of my day to sacrifice for time with Him. I was afraid whatever part of my day I cleared for Him would be the wrong part so I didn't clear any part. Foolish, yes. I live and learn -often the hard way!
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Midnight Rambles
You'd think I'd be sleepy at this hour, but no. Wide awake and my mind traversing the events of my week....I wish it had a shut-off switch sometimes!
I watched Hunger Games for the first time tonight. It was an interesting movie. After all the hype and reviews I've heard, it wasn't the action film or romance I'd imagined it would be. I do like the character of Katniss. The story line was a little bit on the predictable line, but of all of it, I think the wacky costumes was what surprised me the most. A little like Willy Wonka's oompa loompas or the recent Alice and Wonderland. Not the awesome movie I expected, but not a dud either. A good movie overall for what it is...maybe if I had read the book I'd think otherwise.
I've begun just reading my small bible at various times throughout the day and most often at night before bed. I like that it is easy to carry and hold. My study bible is nice when sitting at the desk and when I'm looking for more background or insight into parts of the bible.
Coming back from vacation to work was hard. I didn't want to go back to work just yet. It was so nice to focus just on family for a change. I got a text the day I got back about something that wasn't necessary to discuss until working hours. I ignored it, but it immediately brought back the annoyance of other people relying on me to solve their problems. It comes with the job, but I have some particularly needy employees who don't realize there are boundaries between work and personal time for me. I have to constantly keep those boundaries built up or work can be overwhelming. Maybe I should look into getting a phone just for work instead of using one phone for both work and home...hmm. I'll have to think on that one.
I like my job overall. It can be so overwhelming and discouraging, but it is also very rewarding. I still don't usually feel like I know what I'm doing yet. I'm also unsure if I'll ever reach a point where I feel caught up or that the duties I have can be accomplished by just one person.
On vacation I came to a big realization. Time is going by and my children are getting older. Yes, that's a duh statement, but it really hit home. During the long hours of driving on the road, my hubby and I discussed what our 'bucket list' was for our children. In the 10-15 years we have left with them at home, what did we want for them -for our family? We only have so much money each year to spend on special events or home improvements or sports, etc. We discussed what things were most important to us and made loose plans as to when we wanted to accomplish some things. We also discussed how we wanted to be involved with our children's development as they grow. It was a bittersweet conversation and realization. We want to make the most of the time we have with our kids before they grow up and leave home.
I watched Hunger Games for the first time tonight. It was an interesting movie. After all the hype and reviews I've heard, it wasn't the action film or romance I'd imagined it would be. I do like the character of Katniss. The story line was a little bit on the predictable line, but of all of it, I think the wacky costumes was what surprised me the most. A little like Willy Wonka's oompa loompas or the recent Alice and Wonderland. Not the awesome movie I expected, but not a dud either. A good movie overall for what it is...maybe if I had read the book I'd think otherwise.
I've begun just reading my small bible at various times throughout the day and most often at night before bed. I like that it is easy to carry and hold. My study bible is nice when sitting at the desk and when I'm looking for more background or insight into parts of the bible.
Coming back from vacation to work was hard. I didn't want to go back to work just yet. It was so nice to focus just on family for a change. I got a text the day I got back about something that wasn't necessary to discuss until working hours. I ignored it, but it immediately brought back the annoyance of other people relying on me to solve their problems. It comes with the job, but I have some particularly needy employees who don't realize there are boundaries between work and personal time for me. I have to constantly keep those boundaries built up or work can be overwhelming. Maybe I should look into getting a phone just for work instead of using one phone for both work and home...hmm. I'll have to think on that one.
I like my job overall. It can be so overwhelming and discouraging, but it is also very rewarding. I still don't usually feel like I know what I'm doing yet. I'm also unsure if I'll ever reach a point where I feel caught up or that the duties I have can be accomplished by just one person.
On vacation I came to a big realization. Time is going by and my children are getting older. Yes, that's a duh statement, but it really hit home. During the long hours of driving on the road, my hubby and I discussed what our 'bucket list' was for our children. In the 10-15 years we have left with them at home, what did we want for them -for our family? We only have so much money each year to spend on special events or home improvements or sports, etc. We discussed what things were most important to us and made loose plans as to when we wanted to accomplish some things. We also discussed how we wanted to be involved with our children's development as they grow. It was a bittersweet conversation and realization. We want to make the most of the time we have with our kids before they grow up and leave home.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Traveling my own Journey
The past several weeks have been quiet ones for me. I think I could describe it as a period of time where I lived Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." I didn't spend time reading my bible or specifically praying. I simply prayed from my heart in the quiet and still moments of my day, not something I purposed to do, but how it happened. Reading my bible and writing my prayer journal just didn't feel appropriate somehow -even though saying that doesn't seem like it should fit in to a place that God is working.
I lived in a quiet peace of mind. Question at times. Wondering. Waiting for some sort of answer to my lack of direction.
And after a couple weeks, He began revealing something to me. Something I've long fought Him on. Putting Him first in my life. I much prefer my God to be a god who lovingly blesses me, but doesn't demand much from me other than reverence. Then He redefined obedience...and really gave my little brain a thought to ponder!
He told me that I was not being obedient in the command to put Him first. Then He told me what He meant by that. I listened to a few sermons on the radio about obedience, about putting Him first, about what it means to live faithfully. All these little nuggets carried the same themes. I asked God to reveal more. Later that week I felt compelled to seek God in the Word. So I shrugged to myself and decided to obey even though I didn't know what, if anything it would do for me. I went to my Strong's concordance and looked up obedience. There were columns of verses containing the words: obey, obedient, and obedience. I stuck to my original word because it had the shortest list of verses and was the one I felt God was pushing at me. Here are some of the nuggets of truth He showed me:
1. Obedience comes from Faith.
Obedience isn't something I have to have perfected, it is perfected in faith.
2. The righteous will live by Faith.
Faith in Jesus Christ makes me one of God's righteous -not that I am righteous in my own right, but that Jesus's blood payment for my sins covers the sin God might see and when He looks upon me, He sees the perfection of His Son, Jesus.
3. Other godly men have Obeyed God's commands in order to Seek Him.
A new concept to me...seeking God through obedience to Him. Hmmm...
NIV - emphasis mine:
Romans 1:5 "Through Him we received grace and apostleship to call all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith for His name's sake."
Romans 1:17 "For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed -a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: 'The righteous will live by faith.'"
HCSB - emphasis mine:
2 Chronicles 31:21 "He [Hezekiah] was diligent in every deed that he began in the service of God's temple, in the instruction and the commands, in order to seek his God, and he prospered."
The last little nugget that tied all of the pieces of information together came a few days later when I decided to read more about Hezekiah and the context of the 31st chapter in 2nd Chronicles. The title of the chapter in my bible was "Removal of Idolatry". Idolatry is putting anything before God, and since I have not fully placed God first in my life, I have idols, not little wooden figures I worship, but other things in my life I have allowed to be more important than God. Now it is a matter of discovering those idols and looking to God for direction in making the changes that need to be made. It's weird to be so peaceful as I am learning new things. My biggest prayer is that I will learn this lesson without having to learn it the hard way.
I lived in a quiet peace of mind. Question at times. Wondering. Waiting for some sort of answer to my lack of direction.
And after a couple weeks, He began revealing something to me. Something I've long fought Him on. Putting Him first in my life. I much prefer my God to be a god who lovingly blesses me, but doesn't demand much from me other than reverence. Then He redefined obedience...and really gave my little brain a thought to ponder!
He told me that I was not being obedient in the command to put Him first. Then He told me what He meant by that. I listened to a few sermons on the radio about obedience, about putting Him first, about what it means to live faithfully. All these little nuggets carried the same themes. I asked God to reveal more. Later that week I felt compelled to seek God in the Word. So I shrugged to myself and decided to obey even though I didn't know what, if anything it would do for me. I went to my Strong's concordance and looked up obedience. There were columns of verses containing the words: obey, obedient, and obedience. I stuck to my original word because it had the shortest list of verses and was the one I felt God was pushing at me. Here are some of the nuggets of truth He showed me:
1. Obedience comes from Faith.
Obedience isn't something I have to have perfected, it is perfected in faith.
2. The righteous will live by Faith.
Faith in Jesus Christ makes me one of God's righteous -not that I am righteous in my own right, but that Jesus's blood payment for my sins covers the sin God might see and when He looks upon me, He sees the perfection of His Son, Jesus.
3. Other godly men have Obeyed God's commands in order to Seek Him.
A new concept to me...seeking God through obedience to Him. Hmmm...
NIV - emphasis mine:
Romans 1:5 "Through Him we received grace and apostleship to call all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith for His name's sake."
Romans 1:17 "For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed -a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: 'The righteous will live by faith.'"
HCSB - emphasis mine:
2 Chronicles 31:21 "He [Hezekiah] was diligent in every deed that he began in the service of God's temple, in the instruction and the commands, in order to seek his God, and he prospered."
The last little nugget that tied all of the pieces of information together came a few days later when I decided to read more about Hezekiah and the context of the 31st chapter in 2nd Chronicles. The title of the chapter in my bible was "Removal of Idolatry". Idolatry is putting anything before God, and since I have not fully placed God first in my life, I have idols, not little wooden figures I worship, but other things in my life I have allowed to be more important than God. Now it is a matter of discovering those idols and looking to God for direction in making the changes that need to be made. It's weird to be so peaceful as I am learning new things. My biggest prayer is that I will learn this lesson without having to learn it the hard way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)