Broken and spilled out. I am quickly reaching that point. I don't even have words to pray. I know my God is there. I know He hears my silent cries. I am powerless to impact change on my situation. Every day I show up. I do what needs to be done. I put on a positive front. And on the inside I crumble just a little bit more. I watch my professional life falling to pieces around me.
And yet, despite the stress and the incredible brain power it takes to manipulate the day's struggles, He has always provided just enough. I wonder if I am going to suffer the pitiful decline of a light in our city.
We are one of the few Christian programs that truly has the freedom and desire to reach our community in the way we care for its children and their families. It's becoming harder and harder to find teachers who share that true desire to serve the Lord and share their faith. Interview after interview, I find those who call themselves "Christian" and yet they have no clue of the true essence of that name. Many claim that name and don't know the freedom of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. Others have no interest in the Christian faith, but are willing to "support" it. Without people to serve the Lord, this ministry will fail.
Praying for God to do what needs to be done, wherever change needs to happen. I am willing.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
In Sickness and In Health
When you say that part of your vows in the wedding ceremony, you mean them. But you aren't expecting them to test you. I remember thinking, of course, I will love my husband no matter what. Whether he gets sick in his old age, or in his younger years, I'll always love and take care of him.
What about when they get sick and it doesn't fully heal? I doubt many of us think that we will end up with a spouse who suddenly loses their health...forever.
Early on in our marriage, my husband injured his back. It did permanent damage. He has always dealt with back pain and that interfered occasionally in our life together, but didn't seem like anything we couldn't handle.
Then later in our marriage as you know, he survived cancer. Cancer combined with his back injury has been a challenge. It is like he has a physical disability, but it varies in severity. I've been in denial about this for quite sometime. I think both of us were.
Sometimes he seems perfectly healthy, able to do housework indoors and outdoors. Other times he is confined to the heating pad and an ergonomically correct chair to get through the muscle spasms, not to mention the swelling of his hands and feet. The fatigue that comes with the side effects of his cancer also effects our daily lives. Some days he seems to have a lot of energy. Other days he is too exhausted to cook (and he's the chef in our home), and just rests in the recliner. Our children watch a lot of TV and play video games with us because it is one of the best ways he can spend time with them and not suffer physical pain for it.
I used to get angry when he wasn't able to do much. I felt like I was carrying the brunt of the burden of managing our home and caring for our children. I would get an attitude, silently accusing him of not properly caring for himself to be the best for our family. Over the past several months, maybe even the past year, God has been showing me that I was being selfish. It isn't that he intentionally doesn't do things. He can't do things sometimes and I'm learning that it is my joy to serve him in doing those things.
We have learned to be more honest with each other about goals and expectations. He's learned to be more open and honest with me about his pain and struggles. We both have learned to change our personal expectations of how our home is managed. We are two imperfect people serving a perfect God and finding our way as a couple in the midst of the challenges we face.
What about when they get sick and it doesn't fully heal? I doubt many of us think that we will end up with a spouse who suddenly loses their health...forever.
Early on in our marriage, my husband injured his back. It did permanent damage. He has always dealt with back pain and that interfered occasionally in our life together, but didn't seem like anything we couldn't handle.
Then later in our marriage as you know, he survived cancer. Cancer combined with his back injury has been a challenge. It is like he has a physical disability, but it varies in severity. I've been in denial about this for quite sometime. I think both of us were.
Sometimes he seems perfectly healthy, able to do housework indoors and outdoors. Other times he is confined to the heating pad and an ergonomically correct chair to get through the muscle spasms, not to mention the swelling of his hands and feet. The fatigue that comes with the side effects of his cancer also effects our daily lives. Some days he seems to have a lot of energy. Other days he is too exhausted to cook (and he's the chef in our home), and just rests in the recliner. Our children watch a lot of TV and play video games with us because it is one of the best ways he can spend time with them and not suffer physical pain for it.
I used to get angry when he wasn't able to do much. I felt like I was carrying the brunt of the burden of managing our home and caring for our children. I would get an attitude, silently accusing him of not properly caring for himself to be the best for our family. Over the past several months, maybe even the past year, God has been showing me that I was being selfish. It isn't that he intentionally doesn't do things. He can't do things sometimes and I'm learning that it is my joy to serve him in doing those things.
We have learned to be more honest with each other about goals and expectations. He's learned to be more open and honest with me about his pain and struggles. We both have learned to change our personal expectations of how our home is managed. We are two imperfect people serving a perfect God and finding our way as a couple in the midst of the challenges we face.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Inquiring of God
The past several weeks have been full of setbacks. The program I lead is bursting at the seams with children, a wonderful thing. But we are losing employees faster than we can keep them. My office staff and I have tried to figure out what we can do to help this problem and are coming up with blanks. I've been crying out to the Lord, but He hasn't revealed any clear direction or change needed.
One employee lost her childcare and couldn't make the schedules work.
Another employee had a family emergency.
Another employee's extended family is in chaos and needed her at home.
Another employee made the difficult decision to stay home with her child while her husband is deployed.
And last but not least, one is leaving to have a baby.
None of the reasons were due to the center. None of them due to the job environment, but I also haven't found replacements yet. Please keep us in your prayers. I can't help but think it is a spiritual thing.
I heard part of a sermon today on the radio about David inquiring of God in 1 Samuel 30. The very part of the bible I have been reading at night. He said that in previous chapters David had been acting in his flesh based on how his emotions led him. But for some reason in this chapter, David stopped and inquired of the Lord how to proceed and the Lord not only answered him but told him what would happen.
I have been "staying strong" and doing whatever needs to be done to survive this time of shortage in employees at work. My office staff and I have all spent time working in classrooms. I think I have been acting in my flesh...not intentionally ignoring the Lord, but just reacting in the moment because there often isn't time to do much more than whisper a prayer as I step into action...and to be honest, I haven't even been acknowledging the Lord much.
It is hard. I struggle to find the Lord. Many times I feel like I am talking to a brick wall even though I know better than that. I know He hears my prayers. I've been asking for revelation, provision, and an understanding of His will. One of my employees made the comment that I must be having an awesome experience with the Lord to still be here (others would have run away by now). I told them I am struggling more than it may appear. It has crossed my mind more than once to leave this crazy job...but I don't have peace about that. I daydream of a life where work doesn't invade my home life.
For whatever reason, God has me where I am. Pray that I am able to do what He has called me to do, and to receive the wisdom and discernment to know what that is.
One employee lost her childcare and couldn't make the schedules work.
Another employee had a family emergency.
Another employee's extended family is in chaos and needed her at home.
Another employee made the difficult decision to stay home with her child while her husband is deployed.
And last but not least, one is leaving to have a baby.
None of the reasons were due to the center. None of them due to the job environment, but I also haven't found replacements yet. Please keep us in your prayers. I can't help but think it is a spiritual thing.
I heard part of a sermon today on the radio about David inquiring of God in 1 Samuel 30. The very part of the bible I have been reading at night. He said that in previous chapters David had been acting in his flesh based on how his emotions led him. But for some reason in this chapter, David stopped and inquired of the Lord how to proceed and the Lord not only answered him but told him what would happen.
I have been "staying strong" and doing whatever needs to be done to survive this time of shortage in employees at work. My office staff and I have all spent time working in classrooms. I think I have been acting in my flesh...not intentionally ignoring the Lord, but just reacting in the moment because there often isn't time to do much more than whisper a prayer as I step into action...and to be honest, I haven't even been acknowledging the Lord much.
It is hard. I struggle to find the Lord. Many times I feel like I am talking to a brick wall even though I know better than that. I know He hears my prayers. I've been asking for revelation, provision, and an understanding of His will. One of my employees made the comment that I must be having an awesome experience with the Lord to still be here (others would have run away by now). I told them I am struggling more than it may appear. It has crossed my mind more than once to leave this crazy job...but I don't have peace about that. I daydream of a life where work doesn't invade my home life.
For whatever reason, God has me where I am. Pray that I am able to do what He has called me to do, and to receive the wisdom and discernment to know what that is.
Friday, April 25, 2014
"Keep my eyes above the waves"
Here I am another two weeks later. Still going through challenges and dealing with frustration, joy in triumphs, anger and some satisfying successes also. The roller-coaster continues and I pray that this is the hills and valleys decreasing for a while.
I have finally chosen the person who will be my second-in-command at work and I'm thrilled to see the light grow brighter at the end of this tunnel! The only problem is that it is taking longer than I had hoped to replace her as a teacher so she can join me in the office. Finding new hires lately that meet the state qualifications and the Christian qualifications of our program has proven quite challenging. Please help me pray for God to bring us just the right people.
Another piece of good news is that my shift at work is back to a consistent schedule (the past four months I have been working alternating opening and closing shifts). It is so nice and it's really helping life at home be smoother!
My husband's health struggles have been creating more challenges, but I think we are finding some solutions. Since chemo, his hands and feet have always swollen up whenever he does any physical labor (mowing the lawn, working on his motorcycle, cleaning the house for periods of time, etc.). A few weekends ago he had some swelling, but not more than normal until he and I worked on grooming our puppy's goldendoodle fur. When we finished his hands swelled so much that they hurt and a slight tough on his finger caused a large bruise from middle knuckle to the joint at the hand. The swelling didn't go down for days. The bruise took even longer to heal. Even when the swelling did go down, it easily returned.
Finally we found some "arthritis gloves" at a local pharmacy. Something I've searched for many times, even to the point of asking the pharmacists who have acted as if I was talking about something unusual. Praise the Lord we found them! My hubby's been wearing them and just a couple days ago he took them off and his hands were normal -it made me realize how long his hands have been swollen. I almost didn't recognize his hands they were so thin and normal looking! I had gotten used to him having thicker hands and fingers that I didn't realize it was swelling.
Mid-summer he goes back in for a check up. We plan on talking to his doctor about it then too. Maybe they will have some other suggestions to help in addition to the gloves.
My brain capacity is shrinking and the words are disappearing from my thoughts so I will bid you good night until next time!
I have finally chosen the person who will be my second-in-command at work and I'm thrilled to see the light grow brighter at the end of this tunnel! The only problem is that it is taking longer than I had hoped to replace her as a teacher so she can join me in the office. Finding new hires lately that meet the state qualifications and the Christian qualifications of our program has proven quite challenging. Please help me pray for God to bring us just the right people.
Another piece of good news is that my shift at work is back to a consistent schedule (the past four months I have been working alternating opening and closing shifts). It is so nice and it's really helping life at home be smoother!
My husband's health struggles have been creating more challenges, but I think we are finding some solutions. Since chemo, his hands and feet have always swollen up whenever he does any physical labor (mowing the lawn, working on his motorcycle, cleaning the house for periods of time, etc.). A few weekends ago he had some swelling, but not more than normal until he and I worked on grooming our puppy's goldendoodle fur. When we finished his hands swelled so much that they hurt and a slight tough on his finger caused a large bruise from middle knuckle to the joint at the hand. The swelling didn't go down for days. The bruise took even longer to heal. Even when the swelling did go down, it easily returned.
Finally we found some "arthritis gloves" at a local pharmacy. Something I've searched for many times, even to the point of asking the pharmacists who have acted as if I was talking about something unusual. Praise the Lord we found them! My hubby's been wearing them and just a couple days ago he took them off and his hands were normal -it made me realize how long his hands have been swollen. I almost didn't recognize his hands they were so thin and normal looking! I had gotten used to him having thicker hands and fingers that I didn't realize it was swelling.
Mid-summer he goes back in for a check up. We plan on talking to his doctor about it then too. Maybe they will have some other suggestions to help in addition to the gloves.
My brain capacity is shrinking and the words are disappearing from my thoughts so I will bid you good night until next time!
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Where Feet May Fail (Oceans by Hillsong)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2PNTq_-mZs
This is one of my new favorite songs. It is so full of worship and humbling yourself before the Lord. One of my favorite lines is "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders..."
God has really been speaking to me in the lyrics of Christian music lately. The words of the songs that wake me up each morning speak to my heart and sometimes seem to be God speaking literally to me using those words. At church, the lyrics of the worship music touches my heart and I recognize that they are exactly the words I need to pay attention to because they deal specifically with the focus of change that God is working in me.
My relationship with God has been more open. Since I got angry with Him and realized how I have tried to speak in a "holy" manner when I pray, I am doing my best to be completely honest with myself and with God. By tearing down that wall of pretending I am better than I am, I feel closer to my Lord. I perceive that He is involved in my life and cares dearly for me. That wall that pushed Him away is slowly disappearing and that's a really cool thing.
As I write this and it is a positive blog, I am also praying for protection and that I am able to continue to put aside my need to be "perfect" in God's eyes. I have another challenge coming up and it could easily bring me back to a low place. So please pray with me that I will remain faithful and trusting wholly in the Lord to lead, to guide, and to protect and provide through these coming challenges.
This is one of my new favorite songs. It is so full of worship and humbling yourself before the Lord. One of my favorite lines is "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders..."
God has really been speaking to me in the lyrics of Christian music lately. The words of the songs that wake me up each morning speak to my heart and sometimes seem to be God speaking literally to me using those words. At church, the lyrics of the worship music touches my heart and I recognize that they are exactly the words I need to pay attention to because they deal specifically with the focus of change that God is working in me.
My relationship with God has been more open. Since I got angry with Him and realized how I have tried to speak in a "holy" manner when I pray, I am doing my best to be completely honest with myself and with God. By tearing down that wall of pretending I am better than I am, I feel closer to my Lord. I perceive that He is involved in my life and cares dearly for me. That wall that pushed Him away is slowly disappearing and that's a really cool thing.
As I write this and it is a positive blog, I am also praying for protection and that I am able to continue to put aside my need to be "perfect" in God's eyes. I have another challenge coming up and it could easily bring me back to a low place. So please pray with me that I will remain faithful and trusting wholly in the Lord to lead, to guide, and to protect and provide through these coming challenges.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Whatever is true, kind, noble...
I'm working on trying to keep my mind focused on positive things as the bible says in Philippians 4:8, "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable--if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise--dwell on these things."
I'm realizing that even the little negative things can really affect my attitude. My week has been filled with ups and downs as usual, but I am beginning to glimpse the light at the end of this tunnel I am traveling. There is still work to be done and more waiting until I get there, but it ended on a good note. Or at least I think my attitude is changing a bit for the better. God is showing me the triggers that turn my joy into fear and in getting to recognize triggers, perhaps I can learn better how to avoid them or negate them.
Earlier this week for the first time in as long as I can recall, I came home from work, relaxed and when it was time to prepare for dinner, I felt like it was Friday night and wasn't stressed for the upcoming day's responsibilities. What a breath of fresh air that was!
I'm seeing God working again. Not that He ever stopped, but I am recognizing it again. A co-worker of mine who has already lost a spouse to a terminal illness is going through it again. I don't know the extent of how God might use my experience with cancer to touch her life, but I am much more compassionate than I might have been and thankful for the ability to understand where she is coming from.
Seeing her struggle to grieve and the look of emotional panic in her eyes, I can't make it better, but I can listen. I can allow her time to grieve. They need a miracle or it will be a matter of extending life...modern medicine cannot cure this illness. Despite her grief, her attitude is why I respect her so much. Her heart is to preserve her husband's dignity, quality of life, and respect his decisions. Please join me in lifting her up in prayer. They are both believers.
On a more positive note, I have seen some of my staff look to God for answers to a problem they were having and see how He works things out for the better. A relationship headed downhill, while disagreeing doctrinally with each other, they both sought the Lord and He has provided a way where they can create a more healthy distance while maintaining a respectful attitude towards each other.
I'm realizing that even the little negative things can really affect my attitude. My week has been filled with ups and downs as usual, but I am beginning to glimpse the light at the end of this tunnel I am traveling. There is still work to be done and more waiting until I get there, but it ended on a good note. Or at least I think my attitude is changing a bit for the better. God is showing me the triggers that turn my joy into fear and in getting to recognize triggers, perhaps I can learn better how to avoid them or negate them.
Earlier this week for the first time in as long as I can recall, I came home from work, relaxed and when it was time to prepare for dinner, I felt like it was Friday night and wasn't stressed for the upcoming day's responsibilities. What a breath of fresh air that was!
I'm seeing God working again. Not that He ever stopped, but I am recognizing it again. A co-worker of mine who has already lost a spouse to a terminal illness is going through it again. I don't know the extent of how God might use my experience with cancer to touch her life, but I am much more compassionate than I might have been and thankful for the ability to understand where she is coming from.
Seeing her struggle to grieve and the look of emotional panic in her eyes, I can't make it better, but I can listen. I can allow her time to grieve. They need a miracle or it will be a matter of extending life...modern medicine cannot cure this illness. Despite her grief, her attitude is why I respect her so much. Her heart is to preserve her husband's dignity, quality of life, and respect his decisions. Please join me in lifting her up in prayer. They are both believers.
On a more positive note, I have seen some of my staff look to God for answers to a problem they were having and see how He works things out for the better. A relationship headed downhill, while disagreeing doctrinally with each other, they both sought the Lord and He has provided a way where they can create a more healthy distance while maintaining a respectful attitude towards each other.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Selfishness & Pride
Re-reading the last post, I noticed in the ways I coped with being bummed...did you notice it too??? I didn't mention going to God for help.
When depressed I did write a couple sentences in my prayer journal basically telling God, "I need help." In those high-emotion times, it is so hard to humble myself to the Lord. My selfish, woe-is-me attitude prevents me from letting go of myself to receive from God. The times we need Him most are the times we run away.
When I'm emotional and clinging to the selfishness of my troubles, I'm longing for a rescuer. Someone to come and coddle me, make it all better, and take care of things for me. It is those times that I give up and feel so incredibly lost.
The next day I wasn't so depressed, but still struggled. I had a scheduling issue and wasn't finding any answers to solve my problem. I got frustrated and angry. I absolutely hate not having control when something is effecting me negatively. I chose to go to God with it, although I sure didn't go humbly. I vented in my journal to Him. I complained about the continuous struggles and how I was tired of dealing with them. Not long after that, I soon had the solution I needed, without any additional work. That was humbling. God followed through despite my bad attitude.
I had to go back and apologize to God. It seems no matter how much I convince myself I am trusting Him, I still am impatient and easily angered to have to wait on Him. Ironically, when I was honest to God about how I felt and venting to Him, I felt closer to Him than when I am trying to be the "good girl" and have dedicated quiet time. It made me realize that there is still a level of pride within me and I am not truly honest with God or even myself sometimes.
When depressed I did write a couple sentences in my prayer journal basically telling God, "I need help." In those high-emotion times, it is so hard to humble myself to the Lord. My selfish, woe-is-me attitude prevents me from letting go of myself to receive from God. The times we need Him most are the times we run away.
When I'm emotional and clinging to the selfishness of my troubles, I'm longing for a rescuer. Someone to come and coddle me, make it all better, and take care of things for me. It is those times that I give up and feel so incredibly lost.
The next day I wasn't so depressed, but still struggled. I had a scheduling issue and wasn't finding any answers to solve my problem. I got frustrated and angry. I absolutely hate not having control when something is effecting me negatively. I chose to go to God with it, although I sure didn't go humbly. I vented in my journal to Him. I complained about the continuous struggles and how I was tired of dealing with them. Not long after that, I soon had the solution I needed, without any additional work. That was humbling. God followed through despite my bad attitude.
I had to go back and apologize to God. It seems no matter how much I convince myself I am trusting Him, I still am impatient and easily angered to have to wait on Him. Ironically, when I was honest to God about how I felt and venting to Him, I felt closer to Him than when I am trying to be the "good girl" and have dedicated quiet time. It made me realize that there is still a level of pride within me and I am not truly honest with God or even myself sometimes.
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