Today was my hubby's 2-1/2 year appointment with chest x-ray and blood work. Everything looks normal and good. :0) The doctor said that recurrence is most common before 2 years, but we'll stay on the 6-month check up routine for a while with CT scans alternating with chest x-rays. It's interesting to hear the doctor's opinions.
We alternate between seeing the surgeon vs. the oncologist. They are on a similar thought process, but still have their own opinions of the best plan for care. (in case you notice a slight difference in what is said by the doctors at each visit I blog about)
I thought it was interesting today as I drove to the hospital for our appointment. They have a sign on the corner with arrows pointing to the different directions to go for the many different clinics they have. I casually noted the letters detailing the "Cancer Pavilion" and realized how strange it is to be so casual about having an appointment in the Cancer center.
We also met a new Fellow today who is working with our doctor for his final year before becoming a doctor himself. He mentioned that all of the people in the clinic know my husband by first name. They simply call out to each other, "____'s here!" I thought it was neat. There have been some changes over the years, but those who have been there know him well. The Fellow said that only happens with a long-term patient or someone who works there. My husband grinned and said, "well, I'm both." He went on to explain how he used to work in the cancer center years ago and now is a long-term patient. They still ask him for help and advice on occasion that is work related. It is nice to have that kind of atmosphere, especially for something as important, yet routine, as cancer care.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Gideon's "Fleece"
My hopeful excitement for the week quickly began failing by the third day. Things I have not dealt with before hit again and I wasn't able to keep my glorious plans, let alone accomplish all that needed to be done in a given day. I had lost my joy in the job. I had no interest in continuing to deal with struggle after struggle. I felt so inadequate.
I decided to see what God's will might be for me. I put out a "fleece" to test what doors were open to me. I applied for a part time teaching job. It was in a church just like my current job, right next to my children's school and the hours I would be working were absolutely perfect. They allowed me time to drop my kids off at school and some time for myself before having to pick them up from school.
The very next day, I was called to schedule an interview. I was excited to imagine being able to leave work at work. I was thrilled to be able to be WITH my children and still be involved in my chosen career field. My excitement lasted all day. The next day, the more I prayed about it and thought about it, while I had nothing concrete to change the great things, I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me "this isn't it" "this isn't where you are meant to be".
I didn't like God telling me no. I tried to push it aside telling Him, "but you haven't even let me try it yet! I don't even know if the pay would be enough or not and you are already telling me no?"
So, I went to the interview, knowing I would learn from the experience and hoping I was hearing God wrong. The interview was awesome! The director loved my qualifications and my personality. She seemed ready to hire me and the pay offered was higher than I had guessed it might be.
And then, God revealed why He had told me no. She asked me what I would bring to the table, what my special skills were. I shared how I have grown so comfortable with sharing the love of God, I speak of the Lord in behavior management, I bring faith into everything I do. She stopped me, and very professionally explained to me that while it was a school supported by the church and a very "Christian" atmosphere, they did not talk about God or Jesus.
I was floored. She continued to explain that it was a very "Christian" environment where all of the teachers and families were kind and loving with "Christian" values, but that religion had no part in their school. On tours, she tells her clients that they will not see a bible, a story book or pictures of God, Jesus, or any other "religious" teaching. My heart sank. The perfect job was not.
We finished the interview and she asked me to think about all we had discussed and she'd contact me the following week to see if I was wanting the position. She was going to consider where she felt I might fit best in her program after speaking to another interviewee (there was two positions available).
All the way home I tried to consider if I could teach children and not teach them about my Lord and Savior. I still wanted the freedom from responsibility and it was so enticing to think of being able to be there for my children. The more I weighed it in my mind, the more I couldn't see myself leaving God out of my career.
The door, while open, was not one for me to walk through. I learned that God really has a calling on my life and I truly have a passion for sharing the gospel with children. The following day, He gave me hope and a renewed fervor for the job I do.
I decided to see what God's will might be for me. I put out a "fleece" to test what doors were open to me. I applied for a part time teaching job. It was in a church just like my current job, right next to my children's school and the hours I would be working were absolutely perfect. They allowed me time to drop my kids off at school and some time for myself before having to pick them up from school.
The very next day, I was called to schedule an interview. I was excited to imagine being able to leave work at work. I was thrilled to be able to be WITH my children and still be involved in my chosen career field. My excitement lasted all day. The next day, the more I prayed about it and thought about it, while I had nothing concrete to change the great things, I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me "this isn't it" "this isn't where you are meant to be".
I didn't like God telling me no. I tried to push it aside telling Him, "but you haven't even let me try it yet! I don't even know if the pay would be enough or not and you are already telling me no?"
So, I went to the interview, knowing I would learn from the experience and hoping I was hearing God wrong. The interview was awesome! The director loved my qualifications and my personality. She seemed ready to hire me and the pay offered was higher than I had guessed it might be.
And then, God revealed why He had told me no. She asked me what I would bring to the table, what my special skills were. I shared how I have grown so comfortable with sharing the love of God, I speak of the Lord in behavior management, I bring faith into everything I do. She stopped me, and very professionally explained to me that while it was a school supported by the church and a very "Christian" atmosphere, they did not talk about God or Jesus.
I was floored. She continued to explain that it was a very "Christian" environment where all of the teachers and families were kind and loving with "Christian" values, but that religion had no part in their school. On tours, she tells her clients that they will not see a bible, a story book or pictures of God, Jesus, or any other "religious" teaching. My heart sank. The perfect job was not.
We finished the interview and she asked me to think about all we had discussed and she'd contact me the following week to see if I was wanting the position. She was going to consider where she felt I might fit best in her program after speaking to another interviewee (there was two positions available).
All the way home I tried to consider if I could teach children and not teach them about my Lord and Savior. I still wanted the freedom from responsibility and it was so enticing to think of being able to be there for my children. The more I weighed it in my mind, the more I couldn't see myself leaving God out of my career.
The door, while open, was not one for me to walk through. I learned that God really has a calling on my life and I truly have a passion for sharing the gospel with children. The following day, He gave me hope and a renewed fervor for the job I do.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Hope Once Again
After weeks of slowly sinking into such a broken place, I am standing upon Hope...not standing bold and tall, but standing in Hope. Trusting in God that He will lead me through.
Fellow Christians are praying for me. In honest prayer I question God, I search for His Truth, I beg Him for answers and rescue. Going off our current bible study, today's sermon was about Trials in our Lives. God uses all of these things to speak to me. He likes to use that still, small voice to speak to me and I apparently still have more to learn about listening for that still, small voice.
The repeated message I am hearing is that I am the spiritual leader of my workplace. Where I lead, it will go. If I do not lead, it will fail. Once upon a time, we had weekly prayer meetings that were mandatory for every employee. With labor laws, that is no longer feasible. Prayer and fellowship times must either be paid for or voluntary. For the past three years or so they have been voluntary and attendance has slipped into the void of neglect and empty chairs.
Today as I listened to the sermon and reflected on things in my life and the people I am responsible for, I felt like God was telling me that I was not doing what needs to be done. I was not bringing Him glory because I was not making the effort to fill my workplace with Worship.
I don't just mean songs of Worship, but Worship by way of honoring God with the choices, actions, thoughts, and words used throughout the day.
It was like a spiritual brainstorm session and I am excited to begin fresh on Monday...even though I still don't know what trials I will face due to a lack of employees to cover all the shifts we have. Somehow that concern is much smaller.
I can't make sense of this call from God as in it relating to more teachers joining our program, but it is what I think God is calling me to do. So I will obey.
Fellow Christians are praying for me. In honest prayer I question God, I search for His Truth, I beg Him for answers and rescue. Going off our current bible study, today's sermon was about Trials in our Lives. God uses all of these things to speak to me. He likes to use that still, small voice to speak to me and I apparently still have more to learn about listening for that still, small voice.
The repeated message I am hearing is that I am the spiritual leader of my workplace. Where I lead, it will go. If I do not lead, it will fail. Once upon a time, we had weekly prayer meetings that were mandatory for every employee. With labor laws, that is no longer feasible. Prayer and fellowship times must either be paid for or voluntary. For the past three years or so they have been voluntary and attendance has slipped into the void of neglect and empty chairs.
Today as I listened to the sermon and reflected on things in my life and the people I am responsible for, I felt like God was telling me that I was not doing what needs to be done. I was not bringing Him glory because I was not making the effort to fill my workplace with Worship.
I don't just mean songs of Worship, but Worship by way of honoring God with the choices, actions, thoughts, and words used throughout the day.
It was like a spiritual brainstorm session and I am excited to begin fresh on Monday...even though I still don't know what trials I will face due to a lack of employees to cover all the shifts we have. Somehow that concern is much smaller.
I can't make sense of this call from God as in it relating to more teachers joining our program, but it is what I think God is calling me to do. So I will obey.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Broken
Broken and spilled out. I am quickly reaching that point. I don't even have words to pray. I know my God is there. I know He hears my silent cries. I am powerless to impact change on my situation. Every day I show up. I do what needs to be done. I put on a positive front. And on the inside I crumble just a little bit more. I watch my professional life falling to pieces around me.
And yet, despite the stress and the incredible brain power it takes to manipulate the day's struggles, He has always provided just enough. I wonder if I am going to suffer the pitiful decline of a light in our city.
We are one of the few Christian programs that truly has the freedom and desire to reach our community in the way we care for its children and their families. It's becoming harder and harder to find teachers who share that true desire to serve the Lord and share their faith. Interview after interview, I find those who call themselves "Christian" and yet they have no clue of the true essence of that name. Many claim that name and don't know the freedom of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. Others have no interest in the Christian faith, but are willing to "support" it. Without people to serve the Lord, this ministry will fail.
Praying for God to do what needs to be done, wherever change needs to happen. I am willing.
And yet, despite the stress and the incredible brain power it takes to manipulate the day's struggles, He has always provided just enough. I wonder if I am going to suffer the pitiful decline of a light in our city.
We are one of the few Christian programs that truly has the freedom and desire to reach our community in the way we care for its children and their families. It's becoming harder and harder to find teachers who share that true desire to serve the Lord and share their faith. Interview after interview, I find those who call themselves "Christian" and yet they have no clue of the true essence of that name. Many claim that name and don't know the freedom of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. Others have no interest in the Christian faith, but are willing to "support" it. Without people to serve the Lord, this ministry will fail.
Praying for God to do what needs to be done, wherever change needs to happen. I am willing.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
In Sickness and In Health
When you say that part of your vows in the wedding ceremony, you mean them. But you aren't expecting them to test you. I remember thinking, of course, I will love my husband no matter what. Whether he gets sick in his old age, or in his younger years, I'll always love and take care of him.
What about when they get sick and it doesn't fully heal? I doubt many of us think that we will end up with a spouse who suddenly loses their health...forever.
Early on in our marriage, my husband injured his back. It did permanent damage. He has always dealt with back pain and that interfered occasionally in our life together, but didn't seem like anything we couldn't handle.
Then later in our marriage as you know, he survived cancer. Cancer combined with his back injury has been a challenge. It is like he has a physical disability, but it varies in severity. I've been in denial about this for quite sometime. I think both of us were.
Sometimes he seems perfectly healthy, able to do housework indoors and outdoors. Other times he is confined to the heating pad and an ergonomically correct chair to get through the muscle spasms, not to mention the swelling of his hands and feet. The fatigue that comes with the side effects of his cancer also effects our daily lives. Some days he seems to have a lot of energy. Other days he is too exhausted to cook (and he's the chef in our home), and just rests in the recliner. Our children watch a lot of TV and play video games with us because it is one of the best ways he can spend time with them and not suffer physical pain for it.
I used to get angry when he wasn't able to do much. I felt like I was carrying the brunt of the burden of managing our home and caring for our children. I would get an attitude, silently accusing him of not properly caring for himself to be the best for our family. Over the past several months, maybe even the past year, God has been showing me that I was being selfish. It isn't that he intentionally doesn't do things. He can't do things sometimes and I'm learning that it is my joy to serve him in doing those things.
We have learned to be more honest with each other about goals and expectations. He's learned to be more open and honest with me about his pain and struggles. We both have learned to change our personal expectations of how our home is managed. We are two imperfect people serving a perfect God and finding our way as a couple in the midst of the challenges we face.
What about when they get sick and it doesn't fully heal? I doubt many of us think that we will end up with a spouse who suddenly loses their health...forever.
Early on in our marriage, my husband injured his back. It did permanent damage. He has always dealt with back pain and that interfered occasionally in our life together, but didn't seem like anything we couldn't handle.
Then later in our marriage as you know, he survived cancer. Cancer combined with his back injury has been a challenge. It is like he has a physical disability, but it varies in severity. I've been in denial about this for quite sometime. I think both of us were.
Sometimes he seems perfectly healthy, able to do housework indoors and outdoors. Other times he is confined to the heating pad and an ergonomically correct chair to get through the muscle spasms, not to mention the swelling of his hands and feet. The fatigue that comes with the side effects of his cancer also effects our daily lives. Some days he seems to have a lot of energy. Other days he is too exhausted to cook (and he's the chef in our home), and just rests in the recliner. Our children watch a lot of TV and play video games with us because it is one of the best ways he can spend time with them and not suffer physical pain for it.
I used to get angry when he wasn't able to do much. I felt like I was carrying the brunt of the burden of managing our home and caring for our children. I would get an attitude, silently accusing him of not properly caring for himself to be the best for our family. Over the past several months, maybe even the past year, God has been showing me that I was being selfish. It isn't that he intentionally doesn't do things. He can't do things sometimes and I'm learning that it is my joy to serve him in doing those things.
We have learned to be more honest with each other about goals and expectations. He's learned to be more open and honest with me about his pain and struggles. We both have learned to change our personal expectations of how our home is managed. We are two imperfect people serving a perfect God and finding our way as a couple in the midst of the challenges we face.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Inquiring of God
The past several weeks have been full of setbacks. The program I lead is bursting at the seams with children, a wonderful thing. But we are losing employees faster than we can keep them. My office staff and I have tried to figure out what we can do to help this problem and are coming up with blanks. I've been crying out to the Lord, but He hasn't revealed any clear direction or change needed.
One employee lost her childcare and couldn't make the schedules work.
Another employee had a family emergency.
Another employee's extended family is in chaos and needed her at home.
Another employee made the difficult decision to stay home with her child while her husband is deployed.
And last but not least, one is leaving to have a baby.
None of the reasons were due to the center. None of them due to the job environment, but I also haven't found replacements yet. Please keep us in your prayers. I can't help but think it is a spiritual thing.
I heard part of a sermon today on the radio about David inquiring of God in 1 Samuel 30. The very part of the bible I have been reading at night. He said that in previous chapters David had been acting in his flesh based on how his emotions led him. But for some reason in this chapter, David stopped and inquired of the Lord how to proceed and the Lord not only answered him but told him what would happen.
I have been "staying strong" and doing whatever needs to be done to survive this time of shortage in employees at work. My office staff and I have all spent time working in classrooms. I think I have been acting in my flesh...not intentionally ignoring the Lord, but just reacting in the moment because there often isn't time to do much more than whisper a prayer as I step into action...and to be honest, I haven't even been acknowledging the Lord much.
It is hard. I struggle to find the Lord. Many times I feel like I am talking to a brick wall even though I know better than that. I know He hears my prayers. I've been asking for revelation, provision, and an understanding of His will. One of my employees made the comment that I must be having an awesome experience with the Lord to still be here (others would have run away by now). I told them I am struggling more than it may appear. It has crossed my mind more than once to leave this crazy job...but I don't have peace about that. I daydream of a life where work doesn't invade my home life.
For whatever reason, God has me where I am. Pray that I am able to do what He has called me to do, and to receive the wisdom and discernment to know what that is.
One employee lost her childcare and couldn't make the schedules work.
Another employee had a family emergency.
Another employee's extended family is in chaos and needed her at home.
Another employee made the difficult decision to stay home with her child while her husband is deployed.
And last but not least, one is leaving to have a baby.
None of the reasons were due to the center. None of them due to the job environment, but I also haven't found replacements yet. Please keep us in your prayers. I can't help but think it is a spiritual thing.
I heard part of a sermon today on the radio about David inquiring of God in 1 Samuel 30. The very part of the bible I have been reading at night. He said that in previous chapters David had been acting in his flesh based on how his emotions led him. But for some reason in this chapter, David stopped and inquired of the Lord how to proceed and the Lord not only answered him but told him what would happen.
I have been "staying strong" and doing whatever needs to be done to survive this time of shortage in employees at work. My office staff and I have all spent time working in classrooms. I think I have been acting in my flesh...not intentionally ignoring the Lord, but just reacting in the moment because there often isn't time to do much more than whisper a prayer as I step into action...and to be honest, I haven't even been acknowledging the Lord much.
It is hard. I struggle to find the Lord. Many times I feel like I am talking to a brick wall even though I know better than that. I know He hears my prayers. I've been asking for revelation, provision, and an understanding of His will. One of my employees made the comment that I must be having an awesome experience with the Lord to still be here (others would have run away by now). I told them I am struggling more than it may appear. It has crossed my mind more than once to leave this crazy job...but I don't have peace about that. I daydream of a life where work doesn't invade my home life.
For whatever reason, God has me where I am. Pray that I am able to do what He has called me to do, and to receive the wisdom and discernment to know what that is.
Friday, April 25, 2014
"Keep my eyes above the waves"
Here I am another two weeks later. Still going through challenges and dealing with frustration, joy in triumphs, anger and some satisfying successes also. The roller-coaster continues and I pray that this is the hills and valleys decreasing for a while.
I have finally chosen the person who will be my second-in-command at work and I'm thrilled to see the light grow brighter at the end of this tunnel! The only problem is that it is taking longer than I had hoped to replace her as a teacher so she can join me in the office. Finding new hires lately that meet the state qualifications and the Christian qualifications of our program has proven quite challenging. Please help me pray for God to bring us just the right people.
Another piece of good news is that my shift at work is back to a consistent schedule (the past four months I have been working alternating opening and closing shifts). It is so nice and it's really helping life at home be smoother!
My husband's health struggles have been creating more challenges, but I think we are finding some solutions. Since chemo, his hands and feet have always swollen up whenever he does any physical labor (mowing the lawn, working on his motorcycle, cleaning the house for periods of time, etc.). A few weekends ago he had some swelling, but not more than normal until he and I worked on grooming our puppy's goldendoodle fur. When we finished his hands swelled so much that they hurt and a slight tough on his finger caused a large bruise from middle knuckle to the joint at the hand. The swelling didn't go down for days. The bruise took even longer to heal. Even when the swelling did go down, it easily returned.
Finally we found some "arthritis gloves" at a local pharmacy. Something I've searched for many times, even to the point of asking the pharmacists who have acted as if I was talking about something unusual. Praise the Lord we found them! My hubby's been wearing them and just a couple days ago he took them off and his hands were normal -it made me realize how long his hands have been swollen. I almost didn't recognize his hands they were so thin and normal looking! I had gotten used to him having thicker hands and fingers that I didn't realize it was swelling.
Mid-summer he goes back in for a check up. We plan on talking to his doctor about it then too. Maybe they will have some other suggestions to help in addition to the gloves.
My brain capacity is shrinking and the words are disappearing from my thoughts so I will bid you good night until next time!
I have finally chosen the person who will be my second-in-command at work and I'm thrilled to see the light grow brighter at the end of this tunnel! The only problem is that it is taking longer than I had hoped to replace her as a teacher so she can join me in the office. Finding new hires lately that meet the state qualifications and the Christian qualifications of our program has proven quite challenging. Please help me pray for God to bring us just the right people.
Another piece of good news is that my shift at work is back to a consistent schedule (the past four months I have been working alternating opening and closing shifts). It is so nice and it's really helping life at home be smoother!
My husband's health struggles have been creating more challenges, but I think we are finding some solutions. Since chemo, his hands and feet have always swollen up whenever he does any physical labor (mowing the lawn, working on his motorcycle, cleaning the house for periods of time, etc.). A few weekends ago he had some swelling, but not more than normal until he and I worked on grooming our puppy's goldendoodle fur. When we finished his hands swelled so much that they hurt and a slight tough on his finger caused a large bruise from middle knuckle to the joint at the hand. The swelling didn't go down for days. The bruise took even longer to heal. Even when the swelling did go down, it easily returned.
Finally we found some "arthritis gloves" at a local pharmacy. Something I've searched for many times, even to the point of asking the pharmacists who have acted as if I was talking about something unusual. Praise the Lord we found them! My hubby's been wearing them and just a couple days ago he took them off and his hands were normal -it made me realize how long his hands have been swollen. I almost didn't recognize his hands they were so thin and normal looking! I had gotten used to him having thicker hands and fingers that I didn't realize it was swelling.
Mid-summer he goes back in for a check up. We plan on talking to his doctor about it then too. Maybe they will have some other suggestions to help in addition to the gloves.
My brain capacity is shrinking and the words are disappearing from my thoughts so I will bid you good night until next time!
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