Grieving

Grief seems like such a vague word to me.  I know I'm going through it, but I don't really fully understand it.  I took a class today at our Christian Conference called "Ministering Through Grief".  I originally signed up to learn how to help my husband through the unseen trials of cancer...now that the cancer has returned and we're dealing with chemo, I thought it would be even more helpful.  Instead, I think it was the first place I have felt comfortable in sharing my own personal grief with another live person.

We discussed helpful things to say to someone who is grieving and what not to say.  How to truly be a help and not a hindrance.  But it was the open discussion moments where I learned a lot about how I am grieving and what helps me.

I never feel comfortable talking to others about my problems.  I have had enough "friends" who talked to me and at me, but never seemed to truly listen.  I've learned most people need their needs met, but don't know how to reciprocate.  I also am not always able to communicate my needs.  I've developed this unconscious belief that my needs are not important or valued than other's.  It's something I am learning isn't true.

Grief takes as long as it takes.  That was the main point driven home today.  I am grieving.  Grieving the loss of normalcy, the pain of loss and unwanted life changes.  I can't always define why it affects me worse some days than others.  I desire respect, patience and to be understood.  This journey I'm on is hard.  My group of peers relieved me of my duties at the conference.  At first I didn't think that was necessary and took it as accepting their way of helping me.   Now I realize what a blessing they gave me.  It was the freedom of not having the added responsibility, the reduction of mental stress, the ability to have the freedom to take care of myself.  I don't care for myself well mentally when I'm stressed.  I often don't realize the amount of stress until I shutdown and can't take anymore.  I am very grateful for the time they gave me.  How wise they were.