Watching my husband lose his hair was hard. He finally looks like a cancer patient, there is no pretending that cancer isn't there. He's had the same hairstyle since I've known him. He's had facial hair 98% of our life together. It's amazing what a silly thing like hair can change. He has not changed, just the outward appearance. He is handsome to me and I love him just as much as ever. It is the fact that there is no denying what we are dealing with that is hard. Perhaps I'm moving on from the denial stage of grief. What is next? Bargaining? Anger? I really can't imagine those.
I feel like a leaf caught in the currents of a rushing river. I can't change circumstances. I can't push back or stop the waters. I can't swim out of the current. I can only go with the flow and try to stay afloat. Try to keep my family afloat. The things close to my heart are my children and my husband. I desire that they would be stable, positive, and strengthened in their walk with the Lord. Sometimes it doesn't seem like much has changed and other times it seems like a lot has changed. This isn't what I dreamed for my family.
As I read what I've written. I am seeing the word "I" a lot. There should be more of "HIM" in there. More trusting the Lord to carry us in this rushing river of cancer. More of Him and less of me. I cannot do this without him. My family cannot overcome without Him. Lord, I ask you to keep my eyes and my heart focused on You. In Jesus Name, Amen
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Grieving
Grief seems like such a vague word to me. I know I'm going through it, but I don't really fully understand it. I took a class today at our Christian Conference called "Ministering Through Grief". I originally signed up to learn how to help my husband through the unseen trials of cancer...now that the cancer has returned and we're dealing with chemo, I thought it would be even more helpful. Instead, I think it was the first place I have felt comfortable in sharing my own personal grief with another live person.
We discussed helpful things to say to someone who is grieving and what not to say. How to truly be a help and not a hindrance. But it was the open discussion moments where I learned a lot about how I am grieving and what helps me.
I never feel comfortable talking to others about my problems. I have had enough "friends" who talked to me and at me, but never seemed to truly listen. I've learned most people need their needs met, but don't know how to reciprocate. I also am not always able to communicate my needs. I've developed this unconscious belief that my needs are not important or valued than other's. It's something I am learning isn't true.
Grief takes as long as it takes. That was the main point driven home today. I am grieving. Grieving the loss of normalcy, the pain of loss and unwanted life changes. I can't always define why it affects me worse some days than others. I desire respect, patience and to be understood. This journey I'm on is hard. My group of peers relieved me of my duties at the conference. At first I didn't think that was necessary and took it as accepting their way of helping me. Now I realize what a blessing they gave me. It was the freedom of not having the added responsibility, the reduction of mental stress, the ability to have the freedom to take care of myself. I don't care for myself well mentally when I'm stressed. I often don't realize the amount of stress until I shutdown and can't take anymore. I am very grateful for the time they gave me. How wise they were.
We discussed helpful things to say to someone who is grieving and what not to say. How to truly be a help and not a hindrance. But it was the open discussion moments where I learned a lot about how I am grieving and what helps me.
I never feel comfortable talking to others about my problems. I have had enough "friends" who talked to me and at me, but never seemed to truly listen. I've learned most people need their needs met, but don't know how to reciprocate. I also am not always able to communicate my needs. I've developed this unconscious belief that my needs are not important or valued than other's. It's something I am learning isn't true.
Grief takes as long as it takes. That was the main point driven home today. I am grieving. Grieving the loss of normalcy, the pain of loss and unwanted life changes. I can't always define why it affects me worse some days than others. I desire respect, patience and to be understood. This journey I'm on is hard. My group of peers relieved me of my duties at the conference. At first I didn't think that was necessary and took it as accepting their way of helping me. Now I realize what a blessing they gave me. It was the freedom of not having the added responsibility, the reduction of mental stress, the ability to have the freedom to take care of myself. I don't care for myself well mentally when I'm stressed. I often don't realize the amount of stress until I shutdown and can't take anymore. I am very grateful for the time they gave me. How wise they were.
Friday, September 23, 2011
No mo' Whammy!
I feel like a bucket of bricks got dumped on me. Today was a horrible, no good day. :(
I did survive it though and I'm thankful for an understanding boss and co-workers who are willing to step in for me. I'm also thankful for family who came and helped out. It was a day full of mixed up medical orders, insurance complications, general delays, and a lot of time spent chasing down information and assistance. I never thought I'd be one of those people walking in to a clinic and pleading for help from someone immediately (the pharmacy was closing for the weekend, our doctor wasn't in, etc.)!
On the plus side, I did sneak in the first two chapters of Job. He went through so much more than I'm going through, I thought perhaps I could glean some good- tips from him. I did. Chapter 1, verse 1 "that man was blameless and upright, and one who feared God and shunned evil." verse 3 "this man was the greatest of all the people of the East." (in possessions and wealth)
Satan argues to God that Job has no reason not to follow the Lord because the Lord has blessed him, so the Lord allows Satan power over all Job has. (verses 9-12) Job's 10 children and all but 3 servants are killed, and all his livestock are taken away. Immediately after receiving this news: verse 20 "Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and WORSHIPED" saying "the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." (verse 21).
Then in Chapter 2, Satan returns to the Lord and the Lord points out to Satan his faithful servant job who was afflicted "WITHOUT CAUSE". (verse 3) Satan then argues that any man will give up his possessions to save his own life, so the Lord puts Job in Satan's hand, but requires he does not kill Job. (verses 4-6)
Job is then stricken with boils all over his body. His 3 friends come to comfort him, but "did not recognize him" (verses 7-12). His friends sat with him for 7 days and 7 nights without saying a word because they saw that "his grief was very great".
I learned that when trials hit Job, he still worshipped God and he did not blame God. He did not do anything to bring his pain upon himself. He was so hurt that his friends did not recognize him and did not speak to him for seven days and nights because of his grief. It is okay to grieve. Bad things happen to good people and we can still worship and praise the Lord through it all.
I did survive it though and I'm thankful for an understanding boss and co-workers who are willing to step in for me. I'm also thankful for family who came and helped out. It was a day full of mixed up medical orders, insurance complications, general delays, and a lot of time spent chasing down information and assistance. I never thought I'd be one of those people walking in to a clinic and pleading for help from someone immediately (the pharmacy was closing for the weekend, our doctor wasn't in, etc.)!
On the plus side, I did sneak in the first two chapters of Job. He went through so much more than I'm going through, I thought perhaps I could glean some good- tips from him. I did. Chapter 1, verse 1 "that man was blameless and upright, and one who feared God and shunned evil." verse 3 "this man was the greatest of all the people of the East." (in possessions and wealth)
Satan argues to God that Job has no reason not to follow the Lord because the Lord has blessed him, so the Lord allows Satan power over all Job has. (verses 9-12) Job's 10 children and all but 3 servants are killed, and all his livestock are taken away. Immediately after receiving this news: verse 20 "Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and WORSHIPED" saying "the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." (verse 21).
Then in Chapter 2, Satan returns to the Lord and the Lord points out to Satan his faithful servant job who was afflicted "WITHOUT CAUSE". (verse 3) Satan then argues that any man will give up his possessions to save his own life, so the Lord puts Job in Satan's hand, but requires he does not kill Job. (verses 4-6)
Job is then stricken with boils all over his body. His 3 friends come to comfort him, but "did not recognize him" (verses 7-12). His friends sat with him for 7 days and 7 nights without saying a word because they saw that "his grief was very great".
I learned that when trials hit Job, he still worshipped God and he did not blame God. He did not do anything to bring his pain upon himself. He was so hurt that his friends did not recognize him and did not speak to him for seven days and nights because of his grief. It is okay to grieve. Bad things happen to good people and we can still worship and praise the Lord through it all.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Still Denial? or Disbelief is more like it.
I think I must deal with grief differently than others. I've almost been excited since we found out we start chemo next week. That sounds awful...I'm glad to have a plan and something to prepare for. It is still very, very strange because my hubby is still looking and feeling quite well. Everything will change next week.
I have researched and made my To Do lists and started a grocery list of items we'll need. I plan to clean my house, but I struggle finding the motivation...it really doesn't seem so bad, but for someone going through chemo, it would be better if it were much cleaner.
The stress level has increased at home and at work. I know I'm going to be missing time at work so I feel bad for taking normal breaks. I got irritated easily today. Probably due to the stress and perhaps the grief process too. I haven't bargained with God since I was a child, and I know better than to try that now. I focus on trusting His will is the best thing for me and my family...whatever outcome that means.
People are coming out of the woodwork, so to speak, and offering ways to support us that we never imagined. Offers to babysit our children for free, offers of a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, we've already received 2 sympathy cards with a lovely sentiment and some small shopping cards. It makes me cry and I'm so appreciative. I know it is going to be really hard, but I won't know how hard until it gets there.
We've got an appointment tomorrow to go over the chemo schedule, our girls have an appointment to get their flu shot, I need to get one too as soon as they are available, we have a minor surgery on Friday to get a "Port" implanted, and still a ct scan to schedule by Friday. Today is already Wednesday. Life is changing rapidly and I'm swimming in the new terminology of the medications we may use and how to prepare while I'm attempting to still work and go to all the appointments. BTW, a port will allow him to get his infusions with out getting stuck for an IV each day. It will stay in until after the chemo is complete.
Well, I've got a date with my man tonight for some of our shows on netflix. Good night!
I have researched and made my To Do lists and started a grocery list of items we'll need. I plan to clean my house, but I struggle finding the motivation...it really doesn't seem so bad, but for someone going through chemo, it would be better if it were much cleaner.
The stress level has increased at home and at work. I know I'm going to be missing time at work so I feel bad for taking normal breaks. I got irritated easily today. Probably due to the stress and perhaps the grief process too. I haven't bargained with God since I was a child, and I know better than to try that now. I focus on trusting His will is the best thing for me and my family...whatever outcome that means.
People are coming out of the woodwork, so to speak, and offering ways to support us that we never imagined. Offers to babysit our children for free, offers of a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, we've already received 2 sympathy cards with a lovely sentiment and some small shopping cards. It makes me cry and I'm so appreciative. I know it is going to be really hard, but I won't know how hard until it gets there.
We've got an appointment tomorrow to go over the chemo schedule, our girls have an appointment to get their flu shot, I need to get one too as soon as they are available, we have a minor surgery on Friday to get a "Port" implanted, and still a ct scan to schedule by Friday. Today is already Wednesday. Life is changing rapidly and I'm swimming in the new terminology of the medications we may use and how to prepare while I'm attempting to still work and go to all the appointments. BTW, a port will allow him to get his infusions with out getting stuck for an IV each day. It will stay in until after the chemo is complete.
Well, I've got a date with my man tonight for some of our shows on netflix. Good night!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Grief
1. Denial
2. Bargaining
3. Anger
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Those are the stages of grief. I don't know that I have gone through all of them before. I don't know if my practical mind would allow it. I could see "denial" as the difficulty to believe that this situation is real. I know my husband has cancer. I know we're going to go through 9 long weeks of chemo therapy...and that is if everything goes as planned. It could take longer if complications arise. I still have trouble realizing the truth of those words.
We could start chemo as early as next week. I should be preparing like crazy, but it all seems so unreal. I don't even know how to prepare or what to expect. I have a specific number of PTO hours, and not having gone through this before I don't know what the best way to use those hours might be. I don't know all the specifics of how his treatment plan will go yet, so I don't know how to prepare the children or myself. I can't imagine my husband without hair. All I can imagine from people I've seen with cancer is a tall, gaunt, smooth-skinned figure. And that isn't my husband at all.
The one thing I thought I knew about chemo turns out to be a false idea too. Turns out a good number of men after this chemo go on to have children of their own. A smaller number of course cannot. I had accepted the fact of no more children and now again, it is a possibility, although a very uncertain one. I was beginning to plan on what baby items to sell, what to give away, what to share, and how to use the space it would free up. So much for that. :P
I'm just at a loss right now. I'm not fearful, not numb. It just doesn't feel real. My husband looks healthy. He feels healthy. I know it is going to all change, but I can't comprehend it right now.
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