Grieving

Grief seems like such a vague word to me.  I know I'm going through it, but I don't really fully understand it.  I took a class today at our Christian Conference called "Ministering Through Grief".  I originally signed up to learn how to help my husband through the unseen trials of cancer...now that the cancer has returned and we're dealing with chemo, I thought it would be even more helpful.  Instead, I think it was the first place I have felt comfortable in sharing my own personal grief with another live person.

We discussed helpful things to say to someone who is grieving and what not to say.  How to truly be a help and not a hindrance.  But it was the open discussion moments where I learned a lot about how I am grieving and what helps me.

I never feel comfortable talking to others about my problems.  I have had enough "friends" who talked to me and at me, but never seemed to truly listen.  I've learned most people need their needs met, but don't know how to reciprocate.  I also am not always able to communicate my needs.  I've developed this unconscious belief that my needs are not important or valued than other's.  It's something I am learning isn't true.

Grief takes as long as it takes.  That was the main point driven home today.  I am grieving.  Grieving the loss of normalcy, the pain of loss and unwanted life changes.  I can't always define why it affects me worse some days than others.  I desire respect, patience and to be understood.  This journey I'm on is hard.  My group of peers relieved me of my duties at the conference.  At first I didn't think that was necessary and took it as accepting their way of helping me.   Now I realize what a blessing they gave me.  It was the freedom of not having the added responsibility, the reduction of mental stress, the ability to have the freedom to take care of myself.  I don't care for myself well mentally when I'm stressed.  I often don't realize the amount of stress until I shutdown and can't take anymore.  I am very grateful for the time they gave me.  How wise they were.

Accepting God's Answers

I have always wanted a son.  I was afraid of daughters before I had them because I am anything but girly and feared my ability to bring them up acceptably for society (seems silly now).  Before my husband was diagnosed with cancer, I was determined that another child (preferably a boy) would be part of our future.  I wanted another child so much that I was convinced we needed one to be a complete family.  I couldn't imagine our family without adding one more member, even if it was another girl (grin).

Once cancer became part of our lives I was happy just to have my husband alive.  We faced the possibility of not being able to have future children of our own.  I grieved, I cried over the loss of a child I hadn't even conceived yet.  We talked with the surgeon before surgery that if worse came to worse, a healthy husband was far more important than protecting the possibility of future children.

Thankfully, having more children is still possible, but our thoughts toward expanding our family have drastically changed.  Instead of needing more children, it is something that we both would like, but isn't necessary to be happy.  In light of our changing world I wonder about the wisdom in having more children...this bible verse makes me wonder:
Matthew 24:19 "How dreadful will it be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers!"


Our children have always been planned.  Recently we thought an unplanned pregnancy had begun...it hadn't, but there is no denying that my hopes immediately shot high in the sky!  An unplanned baby would be a pure blessing from God that He specifically planned without us intentionally purposing to have a child.  Learning that I wasn't pregnant was disappointing, but still okay.  It served to teach me how much I still would like to be a mother again, but also in the reality of the circumstances of our life right now, I can be perfectly content not having other children.  God is still in control.  He knows what is best for us.

This time his answer is, "Not now, wait."  or "No."  I don't know the future, but as I live through this I am reminded of the blessings I have in the family I love so much already.  There are perks to not having to go through pregnancy and babyhood again, but I know in my heart, like my mother, I would always joyously welcome another addition despite any challenges it might bring.