The past several weeks have been quiet ones for me. I think I could describe it as a period of time where I lived Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." I didn't spend time reading my bible or specifically praying. I simply prayed from my heart in the quiet and still moments of my day, not something I purposed to do, but how it happened. Reading my bible and writing my prayer journal just didn't feel appropriate somehow -even though saying that doesn't seem like it should fit in to a place that God is working.
I lived in a quiet peace of mind. Question at times. Wondering. Waiting for some sort of answer to my lack of direction.
And after a couple weeks, He began revealing something to me. Something I've long fought Him on. Putting Him first in my life. I much prefer my God to be a god who lovingly blesses me, but doesn't demand much from me other than reverence. Then He redefined obedience...and really gave my little brain a thought to ponder!
He told me that I was not being obedient in the command to put Him first. Then He told me what He meant by that. I listened to a few sermons on the radio about obedience, about putting Him first, about what it means to live faithfully. All these little nuggets carried the same themes. I asked God to reveal more. Later that week I felt compelled to seek God in the Word. So I shrugged to myself and decided to obey even though I didn't know what, if anything it would do for me. I went to my Strong's concordance and looked up obedience. There were columns of verses containing the words: obey, obedient, and obedience. I stuck to my original word because it had the shortest list of verses and was the one I felt God was pushing at me. Here are some of the nuggets of truth He showed me:
1. Obedience comes from Faith.
Obedience isn't something I have to have perfected, it is perfected in faith.
2. The righteous will live by Faith.
Faith in Jesus Christ makes me one of God's righteous -not that I am righteous in my own right, but that Jesus's blood payment for my sins covers the sin God might see and when He looks upon me, He sees the perfection of His Son, Jesus.
3. Other godly men have Obeyed God's commands in order to Seek Him.
A new concept to me...seeking God through obedience to Him. Hmmm...
NIV - emphasis mine:
Romans 1:5 "Through Him we received grace and apostleship to call all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith for His name's sake."
Romans 1:17 "For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed -a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: 'The righteous will live by faith.'"
HCSB - emphasis mine:
2 Chronicles 31:21 "He [Hezekiah] was diligent in every deed that he began in the service of God's temple, in the instruction and the commands, in order to seek his God, and he prospered."
The last little nugget that tied all of the pieces of information together came a few days later when I decided to read more about Hezekiah and the context of the 31st chapter in 2nd Chronicles. The title of the chapter in my bible was "Removal of Idolatry". Idolatry is putting anything before God, and since I have not fully placed God first in my life, I have idols, not little wooden figures I worship, but other things in my life I have allowed to be more important than God. Now it is a matter of discovering those idols and looking to God for direction in making the changes that need to be made. It's weird to be so peaceful as I am learning new things. My biggest prayer is that I will learn this lesson without having to learn it the hard way.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
2.5 Years Cancer Free!
Today was my hubby's 2-1/2 year appointment with chest x-ray and blood work. Everything looks normal and good. :0) The doctor said that recurrence is most common before 2 years, but we'll stay on the 6-month check up routine for a while with CT scans alternating with chest x-rays. It's interesting to hear the doctor's opinions.
We alternate between seeing the surgeon vs. the oncologist. They are on a similar thought process, but still have their own opinions of the best plan for care. (in case you notice a slight difference in what is said by the doctors at each visit I blog about)
I thought it was interesting today as I drove to the hospital for our appointment. They have a sign on the corner with arrows pointing to the different directions to go for the many different clinics they have. I casually noted the letters detailing the "Cancer Pavilion" and realized how strange it is to be so casual about having an appointment in the Cancer center.
We also met a new Fellow today who is working with our doctor for his final year before becoming a doctor himself. He mentioned that all of the people in the clinic know my husband by first name. They simply call out to each other, "____'s here!" I thought it was neat. There have been some changes over the years, but those who have been there know him well. The Fellow said that only happens with a long-term patient or someone who works there. My husband grinned and said, "well, I'm both." He went on to explain how he used to work in the cancer center years ago and now is a long-term patient. They still ask him for help and advice on occasion that is work related. It is nice to have that kind of atmosphere, especially for something as important, yet routine, as cancer care.
We alternate between seeing the surgeon vs. the oncologist. They are on a similar thought process, but still have their own opinions of the best plan for care. (in case you notice a slight difference in what is said by the doctors at each visit I blog about)
I thought it was interesting today as I drove to the hospital for our appointment. They have a sign on the corner with arrows pointing to the different directions to go for the many different clinics they have. I casually noted the letters detailing the "Cancer Pavilion" and realized how strange it is to be so casual about having an appointment in the Cancer center.
We also met a new Fellow today who is working with our doctor for his final year before becoming a doctor himself. He mentioned that all of the people in the clinic know my husband by first name. They simply call out to each other, "____'s here!" I thought it was neat. There have been some changes over the years, but those who have been there know him well. The Fellow said that only happens with a long-term patient or someone who works there. My husband grinned and said, "well, I'm both." He went on to explain how he used to work in the cancer center years ago and now is a long-term patient. They still ask him for help and advice on occasion that is work related. It is nice to have that kind of atmosphere, especially for something as important, yet routine, as cancer care.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Gideon's "Fleece"
My hopeful excitement for the week quickly began failing by the third day. Things I have not dealt with before hit again and I wasn't able to keep my glorious plans, let alone accomplish all that needed to be done in a given day. I had lost my joy in the job. I had no interest in continuing to deal with struggle after struggle. I felt so inadequate.
I decided to see what God's will might be for me. I put out a "fleece" to test what doors were open to me. I applied for a part time teaching job. It was in a church just like my current job, right next to my children's school and the hours I would be working were absolutely perfect. They allowed me time to drop my kids off at school and some time for myself before having to pick them up from school.
The very next day, I was called to schedule an interview. I was excited to imagine being able to leave work at work. I was thrilled to be able to be WITH my children and still be involved in my chosen career field. My excitement lasted all day. The next day, the more I prayed about it and thought about it, while I had nothing concrete to change the great things, I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me "this isn't it" "this isn't where you are meant to be".
I didn't like God telling me no. I tried to push it aside telling Him, "but you haven't even let me try it yet! I don't even know if the pay would be enough or not and you are already telling me no?"
So, I went to the interview, knowing I would learn from the experience and hoping I was hearing God wrong. The interview was awesome! The director loved my qualifications and my personality. She seemed ready to hire me and the pay offered was higher than I had guessed it might be.
And then, God revealed why He had told me no. She asked me what I would bring to the table, what my special skills were. I shared how I have grown so comfortable with sharing the love of God, I speak of the Lord in behavior management, I bring faith into everything I do. She stopped me, and very professionally explained to me that while it was a school supported by the church and a very "Christian" atmosphere, they did not talk about God or Jesus.
I was floored. She continued to explain that it was a very "Christian" environment where all of the teachers and families were kind and loving with "Christian" values, but that religion had no part in their school. On tours, she tells her clients that they will not see a bible, a story book or pictures of God, Jesus, or any other "religious" teaching. My heart sank. The perfect job was not.
We finished the interview and she asked me to think about all we had discussed and she'd contact me the following week to see if I was wanting the position. She was going to consider where she felt I might fit best in her program after speaking to another interviewee (there was two positions available).
All the way home I tried to consider if I could teach children and not teach them about my Lord and Savior. I still wanted the freedom from responsibility and it was so enticing to think of being able to be there for my children. The more I weighed it in my mind, the more I couldn't see myself leaving God out of my career.
The door, while open, was not one for me to walk through. I learned that God really has a calling on my life and I truly have a passion for sharing the gospel with children. The following day, He gave me hope and a renewed fervor for the job I do.
I decided to see what God's will might be for me. I put out a "fleece" to test what doors were open to me. I applied for a part time teaching job. It was in a church just like my current job, right next to my children's school and the hours I would be working were absolutely perfect. They allowed me time to drop my kids off at school and some time for myself before having to pick them up from school.
The very next day, I was called to schedule an interview. I was excited to imagine being able to leave work at work. I was thrilled to be able to be WITH my children and still be involved in my chosen career field. My excitement lasted all day. The next day, the more I prayed about it and thought about it, while I had nothing concrete to change the great things, I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me "this isn't it" "this isn't where you are meant to be".
I didn't like God telling me no. I tried to push it aside telling Him, "but you haven't even let me try it yet! I don't even know if the pay would be enough or not and you are already telling me no?"
So, I went to the interview, knowing I would learn from the experience and hoping I was hearing God wrong. The interview was awesome! The director loved my qualifications and my personality. She seemed ready to hire me and the pay offered was higher than I had guessed it might be.
And then, God revealed why He had told me no. She asked me what I would bring to the table, what my special skills were. I shared how I have grown so comfortable with sharing the love of God, I speak of the Lord in behavior management, I bring faith into everything I do. She stopped me, and very professionally explained to me that while it was a school supported by the church and a very "Christian" atmosphere, they did not talk about God or Jesus.
I was floored. She continued to explain that it was a very "Christian" environment where all of the teachers and families were kind and loving with "Christian" values, but that religion had no part in their school. On tours, she tells her clients that they will not see a bible, a story book or pictures of God, Jesus, or any other "religious" teaching. My heart sank. The perfect job was not.
We finished the interview and she asked me to think about all we had discussed and she'd contact me the following week to see if I was wanting the position. She was going to consider where she felt I might fit best in her program after speaking to another interviewee (there was two positions available).
All the way home I tried to consider if I could teach children and not teach them about my Lord and Savior. I still wanted the freedom from responsibility and it was so enticing to think of being able to be there for my children. The more I weighed it in my mind, the more I couldn't see myself leaving God out of my career.
The door, while open, was not one for me to walk through. I learned that God really has a calling on my life and I truly have a passion for sharing the gospel with children. The following day, He gave me hope and a renewed fervor for the job I do.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Hope Once Again
After weeks of slowly sinking into such a broken place, I am standing upon Hope...not standing bold and tall, but standing in Hope. Trusting in God that He will lead me through.
Fellow Christians are praying for me. In honest prayer I question God, I search for His Truth, I beg Him for answers and rescue. Going off our current bible study, today's sermon was about Trials in our Lives. God uses all of these things to speak to me. He likes to use that still, small voice to speak to me and I apparently still have more to learn about listening for that still, small voice.
The repeated message I am hearing is that I am the spiritual leader of my workplace. Where I lead, it will go. If I do not lead, it will fail. Once upon a time, we had weekly prayer meetings that were mandatory for every employee. With labor laws, that is no longer feasible. Prayer and fellowship times must either be paid for or voluntary. For the past three years or so they have been voluntary and attendance has slipped into the void of neglect and empty chairs.
Today as I listened to the sermon and reflected on things in my life and the people I am responsible for, I felt like God was telling me that I was not doing what needs to be done. I was not bringing Him glory because I was not making the effort to fill my workplace with Worship.
I don't just mean songs of Worship, but Worship by way of honoring God with the choices, actions, thoughts, and words used throughout the day.
It was like a spiritual brainstorm session and I am excited to begin fresh on Monday...even though I still don't know what trials I will face due to a lack of employees to cover all the shifts we have. Somehow that concern is much smaller.
I can't make sense of this call from God as in it relating to more teachers joining our program, but it is what I think God is calling me to do. So I will obey.
Fellow Christians are praying for me. In honest prayer I question God, I search for His Truth, I beg Him for answers and rescue. Going off our current bible study, today's sermon was about Trials in our Lives. God uses all of these things to speak to me. He likes to use that still, small voice to speak to me and I apparently still have more to learn about listening for that still, small voice.
The repeated message I am hearing is that I am the spiritual leader of my workplace. Where I lead, it will go. If I do not lead, it will fail. Once upon a time, we had weekly prayer meetings that were mandatory for every employee. With labor laws, that is no longer feasible. Prayer and fellowship times must either be paid for or voluntary. For the past three years or so they have been voluntary and attendance has slipped into the void of neglect and empty chairs.
Today as I listened to the sermon and reflected on things in my life and the people I am responsible for, I felt like God was telling me that I was not doing what needs to be done. I was not bringing Him glory because I was not making the effort to fill my workplace with Worship.
I don't just mean songs of Worship, but Worship by way of honoring God with the choices, actions, thoughts, and words used throughout the day.
It was like a spiritual brainstorm session and I am excited to begin fresh on Monday...even though I still don't know what trials I will face due to a lack of employees to cover all the shifts we have. Somehow that concern is much smaller.
I can't make sense of this call from God as in it relating to more teachers joining our program, but it is what I think God is calling me to do. So I will obey.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Broken
Broken and spilled out. I am quickly reaching that point. I don't even have words to pray. I know my God is there. I know He hears my silent cries. I am powerless to impact change on my situation. Every day I show up. I do what needs to be done. I put on a positive front. And on the inside I crumble just a little bit more. I watch my professional life falling to pieces around me.
And yet, despite the stress and the incredible brain power it takes to manipulate the day's struggles, He has always provided just enough. I wonder if I am going to suffer the pitiful decline of a light in our city.
We are one of the few Christian programs that truly has the freedom and desire to reach our community in the way we care for its children and their families. It's becoming harder and harder to find teachers who share that true desire to serve the Lord and share their faith. Interview after interview, I find those who call themselves "Christian" and yet they have no clue of the true essence of that name. Many claim that name and don't know the freedom of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. Others have no interest in the Christian faith, but are willing to "support" it. Without people to serve the Lord, this ministry will fail.
Praying for God to do what needs to be done, wherever change needs to happen. I am willing.
And yet, despite the stress and the incredible brain power it takes to manipulate the day's struggles, He has always provided just enough. I wonder if I am going to suffer the pitiful decline of a light in our city.
We are one of the few Christian programs that truly has the freedom and desire to reach our community in the way we care for its children and their families. It's becoming harder and harder to find teachers who share that true desire to serve the Lord and share their faith. Interview after interview, I find those who call themselves "Christian" and yet they have no clue of the true essence of that name. Many claim that name and don't know the freedom of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. Others have no interest in the Christian faith, but are willing to "support" it. Without people to serve the Lord, this ministry will fail.
Praying for God to do what needs to be done, wherever change needs to happen. I am willing.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
In Sickness and In Health
When you say that part of your vows in the wedding ceremony, you mean them. But you aren't expecting them to test you. I remember thinking, of course, I will love my husband no matter what. Whether he gets sick in his old age, or in his younger years, I'll always love and take care of him.
What about when they get sick and it doesn't fully heal? I doubt many of us think that we will end up with a spouse who suddenly loses their health...forever.
Early on in our marriage, my husband injured his back. It did permanent damage. He has always dealt with back pain and that interfered occasionally in our life together, but didn't seem like anything we couldn't handle.
Then later in our marriage as you know, he survived cancer. Cancer combined with his back injury has been a challenge. It is like he has a physical disability, but it varies in severity. I've been in denial about this for quite sometime. I think both of us were.
Sometimes he seems perfectly healthy, able to do housework indoors and outdoors. Other times he is confined to the heating pad and an ergonomically correct chair to get through the muscle spasms, not to mention the swelling of his hands and feet. The fatigue that comes with the side effects of his cancer also effects our daily lives. Some days he seems to have a lot of energy. Other days he is too exhausted to cook (and he's the chef in our home), and just rests in the recliner. Our children watch a lot of TV and play video games with us because it is one of the best ways he can spend time with them and not suffer physical pain for it.
I used to get angry when he wasn't able to do much. I felt like I was carrying the brunt of the burden of managing our home and caring for our children. I would get an attitude, silently accusing him of not properly caring for himself to be the best for our family. Over the past several months, maybe even the past year, God has been showing me that I was being selfish. It isn't that he intentionally doesn't do things. He can't do things sometimes and I'm learning that it is my joy to serve him in doing those things.
We have learned to be more honest with each other about goals and expectations. He's learned to be more open and honest with me about his pain and struggles. We both have learned to change our personal expectations of how our home is managed. We are two imperfect people serving a perfect God and finding our way as a couple in the midst of the challenges we face.
What about when they get sick and it doesn't fully heal? I doubt many of us think that we will end up with a spouse who suddenly loses their health...forever.
Early on in our marriage, my husband injured his back. It did permanent damage. He has always dealt with back pain and that interfered occasionally in our life together, but didn't seem like anything we couldn't handle.
Then later in our marriage as you know, he survived cancer. Cancer combined with his back injury has been a challenge. It is like he has a physical disability, but it varies in severity. I've been in denial about this for quite sometime. I think both of us were.
Sometimes he seems perfectly healthy, able to do housework indoors and outdoors. Other times he is confined to the heating pad and an ergonomically correct chair to get through the muscle spasms, not to mention the swelling of his hands and feet. The fatigue that comes with the side effects of his cancer also effects our daily lives. Some days he seems to have a lot of energy. Other days he is too exhausted to cook (and he's the chef in our home), and just rests in the recliner. Our children watch a lot of TV and play video games with us because it is one of the best ways he can spend time with them and not suffer physical pain for it.
I used to get angry when he wasn't able to do much. I felt like I was carrying the brunt of the burden of managing our home and caring for our children. I would get an attitude, silently accusing him of not properly caring for himself to be the best for our family. Over the past several months, maybe even the past year, God has been showing me that I was being selfish. It isn't that he intentionally doesn't do things. He can't do things sometimes and I'm learning that it is my joy to serve him in doing those things.
We have learned to be more honest with each other about goals and expectations. He's learned to be more open and honest with me about his pain and struggles. We both have learned to change our personal expectations of how our home is managed. We are two imperfect people serving a perfect God and finding our way as a couple in the midst of the challenges we face.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Inquiring of God
The past several weeks have been full of setbacks. The program I lead is bursting at the seams with children, a wonderful thing. But we are losing employees faster than we can keep them. My office staff and I have tried to figure out what we can do to help this problem and are coming up with blanks. I've been crying out to the Lord, but He hasn't revealed any clear direction or change needed.
One employee lost her childcare and couldn't make the schedules work.
Another employee had a family emergency.
Another employee's extended family is in chaos and needed her at home.
Another employee made the difficult decision to stay home with her child while her husband is deployed.
And last but not least, one is leaving to have a baby.
None of the reasons were due to the center. None of them due to the job environment, but I also haven't found replacements yet. Please keep us in your prayers. I can't help but think it is a spiritual thing.
I heard part of a sermon today on the radio about David inquiring of God in 1 Samuel 30. The very part of the bible I have been reading at night. He said that in previous chapters David had been acting in his flesh based on how his emotions led him. But for some reason in this chapter, David stopped and inquired of the Lord how to proceed and the Lord not only answered him but told him what would happen.
I have been "staying strong" and doing whatever needs to be done to survive this time of shortage in employees at work. My office staff and I have all spent time working in classrooms. I think I have been acting in my flesh...not intentionally ignoring the Lord, but just reacting in the moment because there often isn't time to do much more than whisper a prayer as I step into action...and to be honest, I haven't even been acknowledging the Lord much.
It is hard. I struggle to find the Lord. Many times I feel like I am talking to a brick wall even though I know better than that. I know He hears my prayers. I've been asking for revelation, provision, and an understanding of His will. One of my employees made the comment that I must be having an awesome experience with the Lord to still be here (others would have run away by now). I told them I am struggling more than it may appear. It has crossed my mind more than once to leave this crazy job...but I don't have peace about that. I daydream of a life where work doesn't invade my home life.
For whatever reason, God has me where I am. Pray that I am able to do what He has called me to do, and to receive the wisdom and discernment to know what that is.
One employee lost her childcare and couldn't make the schedules work.
Another employee had a family emergency.
Another employee's extended family is in chaos and needed her at home.
Another employee made the difficult decision to stay home with her child while her husband is deployed.
And last but not least, one is leaving to have a baby.
None of the reasons were due to the center. None of them due to the job environment, but I also haven't found replacements yet. Please keep us in your prayers. I can't help but think it is a spiritual thing.
I heard part of a sermon today on the radio about David inquiring of God in 1 Samuel 30. The very part of the bible I have been reading at night. He said that in previous chapters David had been acting in his flesh based on how his emotions led him. But for some reason in this chapter, David stopped and inquired of the Lord how to proceed and the Lord not only answered him but told him what would happen.
I have been "staying strong" and doing whatever needs to be done to survive this time of shortage in employees at work. My office staff and I have all spent time working in classrooms. I think I have been acting in my flesh...not intentionally ignoring the Lord, but just reacting in the moment because there often isn't time to do much more than whisper a prayer as I step into action...and to be honest, I haven't even been acknowledging the Lord much.
It is hard. I struggle to find the Lord. Many times I feel like I am talking to a brick wall even though I know better than that. I know He hears my prayers. I've been asking for revelation, provision, and an understanding of His will. One of my employees made the comment that I must be having an awesome experience with the Lord to still be here (others would have run away by now). I told them I am struggling more than it may appear. It has crossed my mind more than once to leave this crazy job...but I don't have peace about that. I daydream of a life where work doesn't invade my home life.
For whatever reason, God has me where I am. Pray that I am able to do what He has called me to do, and to receive the wisdom and discernment to know what that is.
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