The Cancer Life

Daily life in our household has changed.  I am learning new ways of coping and surviving...more than just surviving.  I am learning boundaries and actions I need to take to preserve my family and my own sanity.

My husband hasn't become the sickly, gaunt person I was afraid of.  It's true he constantly feels ill and fatigued.  But he is still able to be present and participate in most family routines.  We can still eat at the table as a family on his good days and we've adjusted other routines to still be a whole family.

We have made it through the first round of chemo.  Two more to go.  Next week will be challenging as it is the first week of round two with five full days of treatment.  Now that we've been through it once, I can more realistically anticipate what might happen and I feel more ready for it.  I think I'm more prepared for the loneliness on the days he is too sick to be present.  I pray for God's closeness and the strength to see through His eyes on those days.  I much prefer to look at this from a Heavenly perspective than my own selfish view.

My awareness of the need to spend time with God has been heightened.  I yearn for the peace and refreshing I find when I read His Word and make moments focused just on Him.  My children and I have taken to singing worship songs in the car on the way to school.  The old, melodious songs I learned in my youth.  I don't even know if I am singing the songs correctly, but we are praising the Lord together and loving it.

I'm searching to hear the Lord's voice throughout my day to learn where I need to be refined and changed.  I'm learning so much.  How to be a mother bearing the weight of responsibility, while still within a marriage, and the little choices I make have such a huge impact on the outcome of our daily lives.  I mess up quite a lot and there are moments that I just am in my "flesh" and don't want to care about anybody else.  But in those moments and afterward, I sense the Holy Spirit guiding me, chiding me and prodding me to think, repent, and forgive.  I'm not alone in this journey even though I sometimes feel lonely.  I serve such an awesome God.  and He cares about little me amongst all my failures and problems.  :)

Bold Struggling Faith...Oxymoron?

I'm becoming bolder in my faith, which I find ironic.  My personality has always been to sit back and agree with the person speaking out for their faith, to avoid conflict at all costs, and to only speak when necessary.  Now I find myself speaking out to respected 'elders' (not that they are elderly, but my elders in age) to bring the Truth into focus.  I'm very open about my beliefs on social websites and the fear of persecution and suffering no longer detains me from speaking out.  It's also ironic because as I am becoming bolder in my faith, I have been going through some difficulties in my faith at the same time.

A new aspect of living with Cancer that my hubby and I are discovering are more subtle...changes in his hormones, dealing with depression, anger, fatigue...we are learning that as 'one' in our marriage, whatever negativity is going on in each others lives spiritually or emotionally has a huge impact on our spouse's ability to stay positive.  There are times when we aren't in the right frame of mind to discuss anything, but when we get to the point where we are both calm and open about what is going on, we not only grow closer to each other, but we find solutions and work together as a team to make things better.  God is so good, isn't he?  A good friend recently told me, "As bad as things get, they could always be worse.  As good as things are, they could always be better."  I liked that.

I would love your prayers for our family, marriage, and healing (spiritually and emotionally).  Dealing with these issues are more damaging than the cancer was.  I know the Lord is working through this also.  I wonder what He is doing and the awesome things that will come of this...

Submission & Power

I've made it through chapter 3 of my book about "Finding the Hero in your Husband".  That title is sneaky...so far this book is all about my role as a wife!  :)

It's interesting.  The second chapter was about the power wives have over their husbands.  It was a little weird to read since I don't like to think of myself as having power over someone, but the influence women have in such subtle ways can make or break a marriage.  This chapter about submission I thought, "Oh, I've already got this one in the bag...my mom was a good role model for being submissive as a wife."

Well, it was an eye opening chapter.  Yes, my mom was an excellent role model and her example has helped me get a step up.  No, I didn't have it all figured out!  It's true I'm not a dominating woman determined to overpower her husband and take charge of everything.  But I can be passive-aggressive and I have manipulated the influence I have over my husband to get my way...sorry, honey!

A godly wife is to complete her husband.  She was given different abilities for a purpose.  Husband's are not made to go it alone, but they are given the "veto power" of a marriage in decision making if their wives don't squash their confidence.  My goal is to figure out the areas in my unique relationship with my husband to see where I need to empower him and work to support him and let him lead.  I am quiet, but I often take the lead in my home instead of waiting for/asking my husband to lead.

The simple ways I can start are using "we" when talking about the decisions we make.  I want to pay attention to the words I say so that they are empowering to him as a leader and not overpowering to get what I think is best.  I need to let go of the reins in some areas of our life...that might be easier said than done!

A Christian Woman

The tumor markers all came back as normal!  Praise the Lord, he is good.  :)

I used my birthday money this year to purchase two books that I think will help me gain insight in the two biggest areas I need spiritual help with.  Surprisingly enough, both books are by the same author, Julianna Slattery.  The first is called Finding the Hero In Your Husband, and the second is Guilt Free Motherhood. 

I ordered the first one because I know there is more to marriage than where I am now (not that mine is struggling, although we've had our ups and downs) and the second because I beat myself up mentally over my failures as a mother.  I'm not a bad wife, I'm not a bad mom...however, I'm not a perfect woman and I know full well that I have so much more to become as a faith-filled woman.

The first chapter of the "Husband" book has been enlightening.  I noted many small tidbits of helpful information. The thing that God pointed out to me was a little surprising and makes me feel a little foolish to admit it, but it was a light bulb that I needed to have turned on:  Guess what?  Marriage takes TWO (well, actually three including God) but I had overlooked my own role in my marriage!  I ordered the book so I could learn about how to support my husband as a wife ought.  The study guide's last question for Chapter 1 was to write a letter to God about your marriage.  I should note that typically my prayers for my marriage involve my husband and God working in his life, or using me to help...not that God would work in MY life and change ME to do better!  Here God is revealing my pride again and putting me back in my place.  The revelation gave me a new perspective and I'm into the second chapter ready for more lessons learned!