The Struggle Begins

Day 4 of Chemo:  Fatigue, Digestion Issues, Nausea

My husband's health deteriorates more and more each day.  It hurts to watch him change.  I feel like I'm losing my husband, the man I know him to be is disappearing...he'll return, but it'll be a long while.  He is weak and tired.  He can't participate in our family routine of putting our children to bed and other routines of life at home.  They are missing their daddy and I hurt for them too.  The part of the journey I've been dreading is here...being the single parent, the caregiver-spouse who is on her own.  I have a lot of help and a huge crowd of believers praying for me and my family.  I have my Lord and the blessing of His Word to read.  It still hurts.  I'm still sad.  Not all the time, but right now, at night when I'm alone is when I feel it the most.  I am strong in Christ, but I don't always feel strong.

Yesterday he was tired, but I had the afternoon with him while the children were still at school and we had a good chunk of quality time just hanging out and watching Voyager (yup, we're Trekkie's!).  I so enjoyed yesterday!  Today I worked the whole day through and brought the children home after school got out.  I was tired from a full day and he was already beginning to crash for the evening.  We had a simple supper camped out in the living room, not the normal dinner experience, but at least together.  I want to create new routines centered around our family being together as much as possible.  I want them to still have their daddy as a part of their daily routines, even though our routines are changing.  The balancing act is a challenge.

As I think over all of this, I have a choice to make in my heart.  I can wallow in the 'depths of despair' and beat myself up with misplaced 'mommy guilt' and loneliness or I can look to see what God has in this place right now.  I'm going to spend some time in prayer.  I need to draw close to my Lord and Saviour and find my sustenance and joy in Him.  If there is one thing I know for sure...I cannot do this on my own.

Bold Struggling Faith...Oxymoron?

I'm becoming bolder in my faith, which I find ironic.  My personality has always been to sit back and agree with the person speaking out for their faith, to avoid conflict at all costs, and to only speak when necessary.  Now I find myself speaking out to respected 'elders' (not that they are elderly, but my elders in age) to bring the Truth into focus.  I'm very open about my beliefs on social websites and the fear of persecution and suffering no longer detains me from speaking out.  It's also ironic because as I am becoming bolder in my faith, I have been going through some difficulties in my faith at the same time.

A new aspect of living with Cancer that my hubby and I are discovering are more subtle...changes in his hormones, dealing with depression, anger, fatigue...we are learning that as 'one' in our marriage, whatever negativity is going on in each others lives spiritually or emotionally has a huge impact on our spouse's ability to stay positive.  There are times when we aren't in the right frame of mind to discuss anything, but when we get to the point where we are both calm and open about what is going on, we not only grow closer to each other, but we find solutions and work together as a team to make things better.  God is so good, isn't he?  A good friend recently told me, "As bad as things get, they could always be worse.  As good as things are, they could always be better."  I liked that.

I would love your prayers for our family, marriage, and healing (spiritually and emotionally).  Dealing with these issues are more damaging than the cancer was.  I know the Lord is working through this also.  I wonder what He is doing and the awesome things that will come of this...