Contentment

Well, I think I've attained the goal of being able to wait on the Lord.  Now, if I could only be patient and stay content in my circumstances.  Have you ever just wished for a change, but God says "no", or at the very least, "not yet"?  I've been there lately and it is so hard!  The good news is I am not stressing over how to make change happen.  The bad news is that I have struggled to be happy and content with where I am.

I keep reminding myself that "whatever I do, do it as unto the Lord" and also to count my blessings because I can't deny that God has blessed me in many ways.  My husband has a t-shirt that says, "Growing old is mandatory.  Growing up is optional."  Well, I have made a choice work on growing up spiritually, but I sure wish it came more naturally and without so much struggle! God must have a never-ending supply of patience.  I know that I must test it on a regular basis in my struggle between flesh and spirituality!

As a side note, our 3-month follow up and first chest x-ray since chemo is coming up soon.  I'm not really stressed over it, I have some questions and mostly I'm just interested to learn more of what the doctor has to say about the healing process and progressing from chemo to being healthy again.  I did have a nagging fear in the back of my mind for a while and I asked a few people for prayer.  I am feeling much more at peace again.  I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to live through cancer.  I've been trying to write about our experiences...it is hard to relive those moments.  I pray that we never have to face them in real life again.

Stress - It's A Killer!

Merry Christmas!  Christmas was wonderful.  Everything has gone well.  Our children were more than blessed by others and our new appliances are such a blessing. 

Somehow I don't feel relaxed.  I feel more stressed than I have felt in a long, long time.  The month of December has been more stressful though.  Perhaps it is still not worked out of my system yet. 

Professionally, I have had more stress in my job than is normal.  Partly due to my own ethics...standing up for what I believe to be right, is hard.  I hate conflict in the deepest part my soul and even standing up for what I think is right causes me immense stress.  I have second guessed myself and reviewed my motives multiple times to be sure that I was not acting on selfish or biased motives.  I don't believe I did. 

At home, of course it has been stressful.  Positive stresses mostly, but stressful all the same.  I've been trying to let go of the reigns so to speak at home.  Since my husband's cancer, much of this year I have been the decision maker with parenting our children, I have figured out how to make things work managing our home, the health and well-being of our family, scheduling, meals, providing for needs.  I've done what I had to in order to keep our family going.  To keep the children as protected and undamaged by this thing called cancer as I possibly can.  To maintain my sanity and my walk with the Lord.  To continue to be a supportive wife and care for my husband's needs. Maybe my resolve, my strength has at last failed me.  My husband is healing.  His hair is slowly returning.  His energy is increasing.  His involvement as a spouse and father is increasing.  All very wonderful things.  All changes that I am adjusting to as well.

The next CT scan is in two days.  The first since chemo began.  I am terrified, uncertain of what to expect and beyond the ability to try and prepare myself.  Admitting that feels strange, because I can barely rationalize the stress.  The cancer should be gone.  The lymph node enlargement should be reduced.  I don't know if I can handle any more.  I don't know that I am terrified of the scan and what it may or may not show.  But I am terrified of having to handle one more thing.  My perseverance is running out.  I want to run into my Heavenly Father's arms and find that perfect rest.  Literally.  I give up.  Somewhere along this road I've forgotten to do that.  When did I stop relying on the Lord?  I don't even know.

I've been trying my best to be everything I need to be for everybody.  The strong, immovable, faithful, godly woman, wife, and mother I think I need to be.  I think the line between following God's will by doing my part and allowing Him to lead got distorted.  I get confused knowing just how much I need to be doing to follow God's will verses just how much I don't need to do.

I wish I could follow this verse easier...it baffles me.  "They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they will rise up on wings like eagles, They will run and not grow weary, walk and not faint." Isaiah 41:31 (paraphrased). 

Perhaps the answer is right in front of me.  Quoted in a book I was reading today, "Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage.  Wait for the Lord, wait for the Lord.  I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait. And in His Word I do hope." Psalm 27:14, 130:5.

The NIV phrases Isaiah 40:31 "those who HOPE in the Lord"  instead of those who WAIT.  Perhaps I have slowly misplaced my hope and my focus...I wish it was harder to do.  I seem to excel at this...I'm glad I have this blog.  I think I learn more from it than you might.  Goodnight and God bless.

Chemo Recovery

Chemo recovery is an extremely slow process.  I rejoiced when they told us that we would have no more chemo therapy.  It's been such a long journey.  Recovery is hard because you don't know what to expect aside from the fact that it will take several months to feel "normal" again.  I can't plan for recovery.  It's also hard because I am so ready to be done with cancer and leave it securely in the past.  One day at a time.  One step at a time.

I don't regret this last year.  I don't wish that cancer never came to us.  I've learned so much and I'm grateful for those lessons learned.  I'm not who I once was...and I know that I've still go so much more to learn.  I miss the perfect peace and unshakable confidence I had when we first learned of cancer.  I was walking hanging on to God's hand.  Having the cancer return was as if I stumbled and let go and still haven't quite figured out how to grasp his hand again.  I haven't requested as much prayer as I did the first time around and I've just dealt with the hard times.  That's all I can think of...I have made so many prayer requests this past year, I almost feel like it's someone else's turn and I've taken too many turns.  Yes, I know that is spiritually irrational, but it is how I feel.  So, if you want to lift up a prayer for us, it is much welcome!  :)

Not by strength, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord.

This past week has been such a struggle.  It was the first week of our 2nd round of chemo.  Five days of treatment in a row.  It affected him the first day this time and symptoms were worse than last time.  He wasn't feeling well at all the last part of the week.  I started getting overwhelmed mentally with responsibilities and with little time for myself or quality time with my husband.  He was just too sick.  He needed more, the children needed more, I needed more and I had no more to give.

God has been working on me through this process.  He is teaching me to let go of all these things that dominate my mind...the should's and why-can't-I's and this-needs-that-needs...and so on.  I am learning to accept help on all fronts.  That I cannot do this on my own...even with depending on my relationship with the Lord.  I need the body of Christ to lift me up too.  I need to accept the help and support others offer, even when it is hard for me.

He reminded me to go to church...I hadn't gone since chemo started.  He used conversations with others to remind me to find solace in His Word.  I'd been reading Job (and understanding it better this time) and had started Jeremiah, but He drew me to verses that would encourage me and remind me of Him. 

Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given."

The positive side of things is that we are over 1/3 of the way done with treatment!  We have received a lot of support and have many who love us and are praying for us.  I thank each and everyone of you for all you are doing!

Rushing River

Watching my husband lose his hair was hard.  He finally looks like a cancer patient, there is no pretending that cancer isn't there.  He's had the same hairstyle since I've known him.  He's had facial hair 98% of our life together.  It's amazing what a silly thing like hair can change.  He has not changed, just the outward appearance.  He is handsome to me and I love him just as much as ever.  It is the fact that there is no denying what we are dealing with that is hard.  Perhaps I'm moving on from the denial stage of grief.  What is next?  Bargaining?  Anger?  I really can't imagine those.

I feel like a leaf caught in the currents of a rushing river.  I can't change circumstances.  I can't push back or stop the waters.  I can't swim out of the current.  I can only go with the flow and try to stay afloat. Try to keep my family afloat.  The things close to my heart are my children and my husband.  I desire that they would be stable, positive, and strengthened in their walk with the Lord. Sometimes it doesn't seem like much has changed and other times it seems like a lot has changed.  This isn't what I dreamed for my family. 

As I read what I've written.  I am seeing the word  "I" a lot.  There should be more of "HIM" in there.  More trusting the Lord to carry us in this rushing river of cancer.  More of Him and less of me.  I cannot do this without him.  My family cannot overcome without Him.  Lord, I ask you to keep my eyes and my heart focused on You.  In Jesus Name, Amen

The Cancer Life

Daily life in our household has changed.  I am learning new ways of coping and surviving...more than just surviving.  I am learning boundaries and actions I need to take to preserve my family and my own sanity.

My husband hasn't become the sickly, gaunt person I was afraid of.  It's true he constantly feels ill and fatigued.  But he is still able to be present and participate in most family routines.  We can still eat at the table as a family on his good days and we've adjusted other routines to still be a whole family.

We have made it through the first round of chemo.  Two more to go.  Next week will be challenging as it is the first week of round two with five full days of treatment.  Now that we've been through it once, I can more realistically anticipate what might happen and I feel more ready for it.  I think I'm more prepared for the loneliness on the days he is too sick to be present.  I pray for God's closeness and the strength to see through His eyes on those days.  I much prefer to look at this from a Heavenly perspective than my own selfish view.

My awareness of the need to spend time with God has been heightened.  I yearn for the peace and refreshing I find when I read His Word and make moments focused just on Him.  My children and I have taken to singing worship songs in the car on the way to school.  The old, melodious songs I learned in my youth.  I don't even know if I am singing the songs correctly, but we are praising the Lord together and loving it.

I'm searching to hear the Lord's voice throughout my day to learn where I need to be refined and changed.  I'm learning so much.  How to be a mother bearing the weight of responsibility, while still within a marriage, and the little choices I make have such a huge impact on the outcome of our daily lives.  I mess up quite a lot and there are moments that I just am in my "flesh" and don't want to care about anybody else.  But in those moments and afterward, I sense the Holy Spirit guiding me, chiding me and prodding me to think, repent, and forgive.  I'm not alone in this journey even though I sometimes feel lonely.  I serve such an awesome God.  and He cares about little me amongst all my failures and problems.  :)

Coping

Man, this is tough!  I spent most of my evening barely holding back tears last night and crying when I thought about my fears.  Trying to comprehend how life is going to change was, and is, so hard to do.  I keep waiting for the shock to wear off.  I felt numb to the world most of the day today and grocery shopping with my daughter was the only thing to get me out of my numb world.  I actually didn't think about cancer or chemo for an hour!

I read my bible as usual this morning.  It was good.  I prayed on the way to a training class I had to go to, just asking God to keep my heart and mind focused on him and trusting in him.  I cried then, but made it through the class without crying, even though I felt like any little thing said or thought and I'd lose it in front of everybody.   My hubby spent the day watching tv with our children (something they enjoy) and then playing his computer games trying to keep his mind off of cancer.  I think I've considered all the things I know I could fear so far and so I'm not thinking of new fears, but one sad point has been on my mind today.  Chemo is almost a sure bet we will not have any more children.  I wanted God to decide for me if we should have more or shouldn't, but I was hoping he'd give us a child and not cancer.  I'm not depressed about it, but it is a sad bit of closure.  I guess the positive side is that we'll have more space in our house after we give away our baby items that we won't be needing.

I'm tired and will hopefully sleep good tonight.  It helps me cope and work out what's going on in my head to write these blogs.  Thank you for your prayers.  Good-night.

Unseen Wounds

Our next CT scan is coming in another week.  Watching shows about 9/11 don't help either.  To be honest, I knew it was coming up vaguely.  I didn't give it a second thought.  My viewpoint was that it's just a test we have to get done and a fun morning together eating breakfast out.  I look forward to our breakfast together on scan days once every 3 months.  I don't hardly give the cancer a second thought anymore.  It's done and gone until proven otherwise to my mind.

Unfortunately, that isn't the way my husband sees it.  While he doesn't focus on the what if's, stress levels increase and it bothers him more.  I'm not the one who had cancer so I can't fully understand what he goes through.  I'm glad he shared with me though.  Now I can be more aware of my words and reactions to our lives as the day of the scan draws closer. 

I asked for prayer for him and our family.  One of my close friends asked me why we were going through some tough times.  Her question surprised me.  Her perspective was, "There's no more cancer, you didn't have to go through chemo, aren't you thrilled just to have survived and have life to live?"

Yes, we survived.  Yes, we have life to live together again for long as God wills.  Cancer is not overcome without scars.  Physical scars.  Emotional scars.  There are unseen battle wounds that are slower to heal and overcome than a physical surgery.  The CT scans are routine and expected.  A safety precaution.  But statistics are higher now that we've had cancer once that it could return.  It doesn't even have to be the same cancer returning, our chances are higher for another cancer also.  Each CT scan is a reminder that it may not be over after all.  The first year after cancer has the highest risk of recurrence and we're only 1/2 way through.

Bold Struggling Faith...Oxymoron?

I'm becoming bolder in my faith, which I find ironic.  My personality has always been to sit back and agree with the person speaking out for their faith, to avoid conflict at all costs, and to only speak when necessary.  Now I find myself speaking out to respected 'elders' (not that they are elderly, but my elders in age) to bring the Truth into focus.  I'm very open about my beliefs on social websites and the fear of persecution and suffering no longer detains me from speaking out.  It's also ironic because as I am becoming bolder in my faith, I have been going through some difficulties in my faith at the same time.

A new aspect of living with Cancer that my hubby and I are discovering are more subtle...changes in his hormones, dealing with depression, anger, fatigue...we are learning that as 'one' in our marriage, whatever negativity is going on in each others lives spiritually or emotionally has a huge impact on our spouse's ability to stay positive.  There are times when we aren't in the right frame of mind to discuss anything, but when we get to the point where we are both calm and open about what is going on, we not only grow closer to each other, but we find solutions and work together as a team to make things better.  God is so good, isn't he?  A good friend recently told me, "As bad as things get, they could always be worse.  As good as things are, they could always be better."  I liked that.

I would love your prayers for our family, marriage, and healing (spiritually and emotionally).  Dealing with these issues are more damaging than the cancer was.  I know the Lord is working through this also.  I wonder what He is doing and the awesome things that will come of this...

CT Scan and Results

The day of the CT scan we made it a family morning.  All of us went to the hospital and kept daddy company while we waited.  After the scan we had a family breakfast before we had to go our separate ways.  Results were expected the next day, so I didn't worry to much that day.  Late that afternoon my husband called with the results...they were in early!  My immediate thought was: "Results early...it must mean they found more cancer!"  But he proceeded to say that the scan revealed "no evidence of cancer".  After I got over the shock, I was elated!  I told everyone and I was so relieved.  Could it really be possible that there was an end to this journey?
I did praise the Lord and thank him for the news.  It was all him after all!

We had another appointment scheduled the next day to discuss our next steps.  I fully expected to hear that we could either do a round of chemo/radiation or we could just do surveillance.  My husband and I were thinking we would probably do the surveillance with the tumor removed and no spreading to be seen.  Little did we know that there was more information we weren't aware of.

The doctor informed us that in the pathology report of the tumor there were cancer cells found in the tubes that travel to the lymph nodes.  This meant that it was possible the cancer had already spread, but wasn't developed enough to show on the CT scan.  This struck a devastating blow.  Our options did include chemo and surveillance, but it also included the option for a surgery to remove the lymph nodes.  Each option carried heavy risks.  There was not an easy decision to be made.  After being so elated and expecting to be almost done with this cancer journey...there was another hurdle to get through.  This one came much closer to home.

Chemo carries life-long side effects, but the lowest chance of recurrence.
Surgery carried it's own risks, and depending on what was found could mean a low chance of recurrence or the need for chemo anyway.
Surveillance carried the highest risk of recurrence with some life-long side effects from the surveillance methods.

So began the game of the what-ifs and figuring out what our true priorities were in this process.  We're leaning towards the surgery, because we think it is still early for the cancer...continue praying.  I'm making more of an effort to pray each day and read the Word.  It helps me to read the healing verses to my husband and it gets my Bible into my hands so I am more likely to read it for myself too.