Well, I think I've attained the goal of being able to wait on the Lord. Now, if I could only be patient and stay content in my circumstances. Have you ever just wished for a change, but God says "no", or at the very least, "not yet"? I've been there lately and it is so hard! The good news is I am not stressing over how to make change happen. The bad news is that I have struggled to be happy and content with where I am.
I keep reminding myself that "whatever I do, do it as unto the Lord" and also to count my blessings because I can't deny that God has blessed me in many ways. My husband has a t-shirt that says, "Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional." Well, I have made a choice work on growing up spiritually, but I sure wish it came more naturally and without so much struggle! God must have a never-ending supply of patience. I know that I must test it on a regular basis in my struggle between flesh and spirituality!
As a side note, our 3-month follow up and first chest x-ray since chemo is coming up soon. I'm not really stressed over it, I have some questions and mostly I'm just interested to learn more of what the doctor has to say about the healing process and progressing from chemo to being healthy again. I did have a nagging fear in the back of my mind for a while and I asked a few people for prayer. I am feeling much more at peace again. I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to live through cancer. I've been trying to write about our experiences...it is hard to relive those moments. I pray that we never have to face them in real life again.
Showing posts with label chemo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chemo. Show all posts
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Chemo Recovery
Chemo recovery is an extremely slow process. I rejoiced when they told us that we would have no more chemo therapy. It's been such a long journey. Recovery is hard because you don't know what to expect aside from the fact that it will take several months to feel "normal" again. I can't plan for recovery. It's also hard because I am so ready to be done with cancer and leave it securely in the past. One day at a time. One step at a time.
I don't regret this last year. I don't wish that cancer never came to us. I've learned so much and I'm grateful for those lessons learned. I'm not who I once was...and I know that I've still go so much more to learn. I miss the perfect peace and unshakable confidence I had when we first learned of cancer. I was walking hanging on to God's hand. Having the cancer return was as if I stumbled and let go and still haven't quite figured out how to grasp his hand again. I haven't requested as much prayer as I did the first time around and I've just dealt with the hard times. That's all I can think of...I have made so many prayer requests this past year, I almost feel like it's someone else's turn and I've taken too many turns. Yes, I know that is spiritually irrational, but it is how I feel. So, if you want to lift up a prayer for us, it is much welcome! :)
I don't regret this last year. I don't wish that cancer never came to us. I've learned so much and I'm grateful for those lessons learned. I'm not who I once was...and I know that I've still go so much more to learn. I miss the perfect peace and unshakable confidence I had when we first learned of cancer. I was walking hanging on to God's hand. Having the cancer return was as if I stumbled and let go and still haven't quite figured out how to grasp his hand again. I haven't requested as much prayer as I did the first time around and I've just dealt with the hard times. That's all I can think of...I have made so many prayer requests this past year, I almost feel like it's someone else's turn and I've taken too many turns. Yes, I know that is spiritually irrational, but it is how I feel. So, if you want to lift up a prayer for us, it is much welcome! :)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Living Faith
Living through the drama of cancer is like nothing I've ever experienced. Even though it creates complications to daily life and stress levels rise easier than they used to, it is still living life. You don't stop living. Life goes on. It becomes a question of whether you are going to participate and make the best of your situation. Because what you decide to do, how you decide to act and cope makes the difference between falling to devastation and rising above the drama.
My husband had to learn to live with an array of awful symptoms that are part of his daily life. For the past month and a half he has had to learn new limitations physically and emotionally. Our children have had to learn to think of their Daddy's needs before their own, and have also had to deal with times when Daddy wasn't able to be 'there' and Mommy wasn't 'there' either, or had little patience. Thankfully, many of these things are temporary. We have grown so much, learned new things. It has been a bumpy road and only Faith in Christ has carried us through as well as we have gotten through. That is what this blog is all about. Living faith in a real experience, being real with what it looks like to live your faith in the hardest times.
Today the doctor's office called us to say that there would be no more chemo for this part of the journey. Part of me is thrilled. Part of me is hesitant to be thankful. Because of the negative effect chemo had on his lungs, 3 treatments of one drug were cancelled. That increases the risk of recurrence...something I can't bear to imagine. I'm amazed to have survived this much and being done with chemo early is nearly too good to be true. Is God answering prayers and healing my husband more quickly than we had anticipated? My fear is that we're being set up for another blow. I don't know if I could handle that.
But...in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind." Who am I to fear what God has granted? I will rejoice. Psalm 63:6-8, "When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me." and Psalm 16:8-9, "I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices, my flesh will also rest in hope."
My husband had to learn to live with an array of awful symptoms that are part of his daily life. For the past month and a half he has had to learn new limitations physically and emotionally. Our children have had to learn to think of their Daddy's needs before their own, and have also had to deal with times when Daddy wasn't able to be 'there' and Mommy wasn't 'there' either, or had little patience. Thankfully, many of these things are temporary. We have grown so much, learned new things. It has been a bumpy road and only Faith in Christ has carried us through as well as we have gotten through. That is what this blog is all about. Living faith in a real experience, being real with what it looks like to live your faith in the hardest times.
Today the doctor's office called us to say that there would be no more chemo for this part of the journey. Part of me is thrilled. Part of me is hesitant to be thankful. Because of the negative effect chemo had on his lungs, 3 treatments of one drug were cancelled. That increases the risk of recurrence...something I can't bear to imagine. I'm amazed to have survived this much and being done with chemo early is nearly too good to be true. Is God answering prayers and healing my husband more quickly than we had anticipated? My fear is that we're being set up for another blow. I don't know if I could handle that.
But...in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind." Who am I to fear what God has granted? I will rejoice. Psalm 63:6-8, "When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me." and Psalm 16:8-9, "I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices, my flesh will also rest in hope."
Monday, November 7, 2011
Chemo Delay?
We've started our 3rd round of chemo and last planned round. We found out this morning that due to the results of his pulmonary function test and decreased liver function, one of his three chemo drugs had to be cancelled.
Since his cancer is highly curable, doctors plan treatment with the goal of least long-term health risk. The two drugs he is on this week are known to increase risk of leukemia. The drug that was cancelled today causes short-term damage to the lungs and can reduce the amount of the first two drugs he has to take.
Now that it had to be cancelled, we may still need to have another round of treatment. He has another pulmonary function test on Wednesday and more blood work to check on his liver. I don't know what will happen until we meet with the doctor on Thursday.
It is in God's hands, whatever happens. We'll deal with it and make it through. I'm just praying that our hearts and mind continue to rely on the Lord and put our trust in Him and not get discouraged.
Since his cancer is highly curable, doctors plan treatment with the goal of least long-term health risk. The two drugs he is on this week are known to increase risk of leukemia. The drug that was cancelled today causes short-term damage to the lungs and can reduce the amount of the first two drugs he has to take.
Now that it had to be cancelled, we may still need to have another round of treatment. He has another pulmonary function test on Wednesday and more blood work to check on his liver. I don't know what will happen until we meet with the doctor on Thursday.
It is in God's hands, whatever happens. We'll deal with it and make it through. I'm just praying that our hearts and mind continue to rely on the Lord and put our trust in Him and not get discouraged.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Two-thirds of the way!
Next week is the last full week of chemo, God willing! We're waiting to hear back from his latest Pulmonary Function test, but the lady who gave the test said he was still in acceptable range. We'll see what the doc says. FYI - if the test result caused concern for my husband's health, it would result in the elimination of one chemo drug and add one more full week of treatment.
My hubby continues to constantly feel "crummy" and battles nausea, but he is generally in good spirits and hasn't had to use all the medications he has at his disposal. Our family has been blessed to avoid illness thus far (PRAISE GOD!) and we're surviving.
The past two weeks have been less stressful, but each with their own challenges. Our youngest has regressed farther with her toileting issues and her behavior has been off. Nothing specific, but I can tell she's hurting and perhaps a little lost. It is hard to know the proper way to respond to her misbehavior. Sometimes I can tell if it is because she needs extra love and attention or if it is just normal misbehavior. Other times I really struggle with knowing how best to respond. She's too young to communicate what is going on inside, so I try to make an effort to help her know she is loved and appreciated.
The mom-guilt piles up quite easily right now. In everything we're going through, I don't want my actions to hurt more than help. I pray a lot about that and God has brought many good ideas to my attention. Making at least a mental to-do list for home has greatly helped. I prioritize the things I want to accomplish with a realistic view of how much energy I have and what I am likely to be able to accomplish. I rarely play computer games any more. There are just more important things to be done. When I can't just relax and play with my children, I include them in the tasks I am doing. They help me and I teach them. We're interacting together and that is still quality time. My mother-in-law's trick of 15 minutes playtime and 15 minutes work time helps me too. I have high hopes that next week's full treatment schedule will be better than the first two. Only God knows!
My hubby continues to constantly feel "crummy" and battles nausea, but he is generally in good spirits and hasn't had to use all the medications he has at his disposal. Our family has been blessed to avoid illness thus far (PRAISE GOD!) and we're surviving.
The past two weeks have been less stressful, but each with their own challenges. Our youngest has regressed farther with her toileting issues and her behavior has been off. Nothing specific, but I can tell she's hurting and perhaps a little lost. It is hard to know the proper way to respond to her misbehavior. Sometimes I can tell if it is because she needs extra love and attention or if it is just normal misbehavior. Other times I really struggle with knowing how best to respond. She's too young to communicate what is going on inside, so I try to make an effort to help her know she is loved and appreciated.
The mom-guilt piles up quite easily right now. In everything we're going through, I don't want my actions to hurt more than help. I pray a lot about that and God has brought many good ideas to my attention. Making at least a mental to-do list for home has greatly helped. I prioritize the things I want to accomplish with a realistic view of how much energy I have and what I am likely to be able to accomplish. I rarely play computer games any more. There are just more important things to be done. When I can't just relax and play with my children, I include them in the tasks I am doing. They help me and I teach them. We're interacting together and that is still quality time. My mother-in-law's trick of 15 minutes playtime and 15 minutes work time helps me too. I have high hopes that next week's full treatment schedule will be better than the first two. Only God knows!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Not by strength, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord.
This past week has been such a struggle. It was the first week of our 2nd round of chemo. Five days of treatment in a row. It affected him the first day this time and symptoms were worse than last time. He wasn't feeling well at all the last part of the week. I started getting overwhelmed mentally with responsibilities and with little time for myself or quality time with my husband. He was just too sick. He needed more, the children needed more, I needed more and I had no more to give.
God has been working on me through this process. He is teaching me to let go of all these things that dominate my mind...the should's and why-can't-I's and this-needs-that-needs...and so on. I am learning to accept help on all fronts. That I cannot do this on my own...even with depending on my relationship with the Lord. I need the body of Christ to lift me up too. I need to accept the help and support others offer, even when it is hard for me.
He reminded me to go to church...I hadn't gone since chemo started. He used conversations with others to remind me to find solace in His Word. I'd been reading Job (and understanding it better this time) and had started Jeremiah, but He drew me to verses that would encourage me and remind me of Him.
Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given."
The positive side of things is that we are over 1/3 of the way done with treatment! We have received a lot of support and have many who love us and are praying for us. I thank each and everyone of you for all you are doing!
God has been working on me through this process. He is teaching me to let go of all these things that dominate my mind...the should's and why-can't-I's and this-needs-that-needs...and so on. I am learning to accept help on all fronts. That I cannot do this on my own...even with depending on my relationship with the Lord. I need the body of Christ to lift me up too. I need to accept the help and support others offer, even when it is hard for me.
He reminded me to go to church...I hadn't gone since chemo started. He used conversations with others to remind me to find solace in His Word. I'd been reading Job (and understanding it better this time) and had started Jeremiah, but He drew me to verses that would encourage me and remind me of Him.
Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given."
The positive side of things is that we are over 1/3 of the way done with treatment! We have received a lot of support and have many who love us and are praying for us. I thank each and everyone of you for all you are doing!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Cancer Life
Daily life in our household has changed. I am learning new ways of coping and surviving...more than just surviving. I am learning boundaries and actions I need to take to preserve my family and my own sanity.
My husband hasn't become the sickly, gaunt person I was afraid of. It's true he constantly feels ill and fatigued. But he is still able to be present and participate in most family routines. We can still eat at the table as a family on his good days and we've adjusted other routines to still be a whole family.
We have made it through the first round of chemo. Two more to go. Next week will be challenging as it is the first week of round two with five full days of treatment. Now that we've been through it once, I can more realistically anticipate what might happen and I feel more ready for it. I think I'm more prepared for the loneliness on the days he is too sick to be present. I pray for God's closeness and the strength to see through His eyes on those days. I much prefer to look at this from a Heavenly perspective than my own selfish view.
My awareness of the need to spend time with God has been heightened. I yearn for the peace and refreshing I find when I read His Word and make moments focused just on Him. My children and I have taken to singing worship songs in the car on the way to school. The old, melodious songs I learned in my youth. I don't even know if I am singing the songs correctly, but we are praising the Lord together and loving it.
I'm searching to hear the Lord's voice throughout my day to learn where I need to be refined and changed. I'm learning so much. How to be a mother bearing the weight of responsibility, while still within a marriage, and the little choices I make have such a huge impact on the outcome of our daily lives. I mess up quite a lot and there are moments that I just am in my "flesh" and don't want to care about anybody else. But in those moments and afterward, I sense the Holy Spirit guiding me, chiding me and prodding me to think, repent, and forgive. I'm not alone in this journey even though I sometimes feel lonely. I serve such an awesome God. and He cares about little me amongst all my failures and problems. :)
My husband hasn't become the sickly, gaunt person I was afraid of. It's true he constantly feels ill and fatigued. But he is still able to be present and participate in most family routines. We can still eat at the table as a family on his good days and we've adjusted other routines to still be a whole family.
We have made it through the first round of chemo. Two more to go. Next week will be challenging as it is the first week of round two with five full days of treatment. Now that we've been through it once, I can more realistically anticipate what might happen and I feel more ready for it. I think I'm more prepared for the loneliness on the days he is too sick to be present. I pray for God's closeness and the strength to see through His eyes on those days. I much prefer to look at this from a Heavenly perspective than my own selfish view.
My awareness of the need to spend time with God has been heightened. I yearn for the peace and refreshing I find when I read His Word and make moments focused just on Him. My children and I have taken to singing worship songs in the car on the way to school. The old, melodious songs I learned in my youth. I don't even know if I am singing the songs correctly, but we are praising the Lord together and loving it.
I'm searching to hear the Lord's voice throughout my day to learn where I need to be refined and changed. I'm learning so much. How to be a mother bearing the weight of responsibility, while still within a marriage, and the little choices I make have such a huge impact on the outcome of our daily lives. I mess up quite a lot and there are moments that I just am in my "flesh" and don't want to care about anybody else. But in those moments and afterward, I sense the Holy Spirit guiding me, chiding me and prodding me to think, repent, and forgive. I'm not alone in this journey even though I sometimes feel lonely. I serve such an awesome God. and He cares about little me amongst all my failures and problems. :)
Monday, October 3, 2011
A new calling?
I've had a bit of a struggle with the Lord since learning the cancer had returned. I didn't stop trusting Him, but I was hurt. I didn't understand why it was back. Hadn't I learned and grown enough for one year? The "why" question bugged me a lot more than last time around. I tried to let it go, but I felt distant from God. I couldn't see what He was doing. I still can't.
Today was Day 8 of chemo after a nice 2 day break. I was blessed to be able to spend time with my hubby during chemo treatments and had to return to work afterwards. On the way in I was listening to a Christian radio station. An advertisement for a new Christian book was on and it was about how sometimes God places a calling on your life that you never asked for and don't want. I thought it was interesting and casually thought about how it could apply to my life. Then in my email box, the daily devotion I received was also about accepting God's calling on your life even when it isn't what you wanted.
I don't know exactly what God may be calling me to...but all I can think of at this moment in time is either something work related, or possibly His answer to my "why". Perhaps through this time of cancer, I am to minister to my husband. To be the rock for him spiritually. I don't know exactly how, but it gives me a Peace to my "why" struggle and a hope in my Lord that He does indeed know what He is doing.
I ask you to join me as I pray for guidance, protection, and wisdom to know what God's will for my family is, and what His will for my behavior/words will be each moment. Thank you!
Today was Day 8 of chemo after a nice 2 day break. I was blessed to be able to spend time with my hubby during chemo treatments and had to return to work afterwards. On the way in I was listening to a Christian radio station. An advertisement for a new Christian book was on and it was about how sometimes God places a calling on your life that you never asked for and don't want. I thought it was interesting and casually thought about how it could apply to my life. Then in my email box, the daily devotion I received was also about accepting God's calling on your life even when it isn't what you wanted.
I don't know exactly what God may be calling me to...but all I can think of at this moment in time is either something work related, or possibly His answer to my "why". Perhaps through this time of cancer, I am to minister to my husband. To be the rock for him spiritually. I don't know exactly how, but it gives me a Peace to my "why" struggle and a hope in my Lord that He does indeed know what He is doing.
I ask you to join me as I pray for guidance, protection, and wisdom to know what God's will for my family is, and what His will for my behavior/words will be each moment. Thank you!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The Struggle Begins
Day 4 of Chemo: Fatigue, Digestion Issues, Nausea
My husband's health deteriorates more and more each day. It hurts to watch him change. I feel like I'm losing my husband, the man I know him to be is disappearing...he'll return, but it'll be a long while. He is weak and tired. He can't participate in our family routine of putting our children to bed and other routines of life at home. They are missing their daddy and I hurt for them too. The part of the journey I've been dreading is here...being the single parent, the caregiver-spouse who is on her own. I have a lot of help and a huge crowd of believers praying for me and my family. I have my Lord and the blessing of His Word to read. It still hurts. I'm still sad. Not all the time, but right now, at night when I'm alone is when I feel it the most. I am strong in Christ, but I don't always feel strong.
Yesterday he was tired, but I had the afternoon with him while the children were still at school and we had a good chunk of quality time just hanging out and watching Voyager (yup, we're Trekkie's!). I so enjoyed yesterday! Today I worked the whole day through and brought the children home after school got out. I was tired from a full day and he was already beginning to crash for the evening. We had a simple supper camped out in the living room, not the normal dinner experience, but at least together. I want to create new routines centered around our family being together as much as possible. I want them to still have their daddy as a part of their daily routines, even though our routines are changing. The balancing act is a challenge.
As I think over all of this, I have a choice to make in my heart. I can wallow in the 'depths of despair' and beat myself up with misplaced 'mommy guilt' and loneliness or I can look to see what God has in this place right now. I'm going to spend some time in prayer. I need to draw close to my Lord and Saviour and find my sustenance and joy in Him. If there is one thing I know for sure...I cannot do this on my own.
My husband's health deteriorates more and more each day. It hurts to watch him change. I feel like I'm losing my husband, the man I know him to be is disappearing...he'll return, but it'll be a long while. He is weak and tired. He can't participate in our family routine of putting our children to bed and other routines of life at home. They are missing their daddy and I hurt for them too. The part of the journey I've been dreading is here...being the single parent, the caregiver-spouse who is on her own. I have a lot of help and a huge crowd of believers praying for me and my family. I have my Lord and the blessing of His Word to read. It still hurts. I'm still sad. Not all the time, but right now, at night when I'm alone is when I feel it the most. I am strong in Christ, but I don't always feel strong.
Yesterday he was tired, but I had the afternoon with him while the children were still at school and we had a good chunk of quality time just hanging out and watching Voyager (yup, we're Trekkie's!). I so enjoyed yesterday! Today I worked the whole day through and brought the children home after school got out. I was tired from a full day and he was already beginning to crash for the evening. We had a simple supper camped out in the living room, not the normal dinner experience, but at least together. I want to create new routines centered around our family being together as much as possible. I want them to still have their daddy as a part of their daily routines, even though our routines are changing. The balancing act is a challenge.
As I think over all of this, I have a choice to make in my heart. I can wallow in the 'depths of despair' and beat myself up with misplaced 'mommy guilt' and loneliness or I can look to see what God has in this place right now. I'm going to spend some time in prayer. I need to draw close to my Lord and Saviour and find my sustenance and joy in Him. If there is one thing I know for sure...I cannot do this on my own.
Monday, September 26, 2011
First Day of Chemo
Exhaustion is setting in from the hours spent preparing, stress, and troubled sleep. I can feel it in my bones. It's a good thing that the first day of chemo is the easiest. It is the day that the cancer warrior is still feeling "normal" and feeling good. We anticipated a 9-hour day, but were blessed to finish at 7-hours. We passed the time together chatting, playing Words with Friends, snacking, and learning how it all worked. The nurse we had was very informative and kind. Her personality was easy to work with. Some nurses feel more like sergeants giving directions, but she gave us direction and information as well as the freedom to communicate and make our own choices. As the day ended, he was a little tired and feeling "crummy" in general, but not too bad. He was able to enjoy dinner with us, his favorite meal: Spaghetti!
I will miss most of his infusion days and I'm not totally comfortable with that situation, but I can't afford to miss a month or more of work. There's a little of the same emotional struggle I had when he was in the hospital and I knew I had to trust others to care for my children while I cared for my husband. At least this time he gets to come home every day and I get to be the one to ensure he gets the best care, plus his mom is nearby and can be there for him when I can't. That helps me feel a little bit better.
I see God at work all around us in the ways many are stepping in to care for us and provide. I see Him in the good care we are receiving at the hospital (aside from Friday's chaos). I sense Him in my own calm mindset and my children's easy-going acceptance of the changes in their lives.
I am teaching my children a new routine. As soon as they step in the door I give them hand sanitizer, they take off their shoes and carry them by hand to the closet to put them away. Then they change their clothes from the day and put on clean clothes. Then they can potty and wash their hands and greet their daddy. It's a totally foreign behavior to me because I tend to lean towards the philosophy that "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt" (to a degree). Now this dirt can hurt. They seem to like the responsibility of helping to care for Daddy so far. I've tried to explain his illness as simply as possible and they seem to understand so far. I praise the Lord for that.
I will miss most of his infusion days and I'm not totally comfortable with that situation, but I can't afford to miss a month or more of work. There's a little of the same emotional struggle I had when he was in the hospital and I knew I had to trust others to care for my children while I cared for my husband. At least this time he gets to come home every day and I get to be the one to ensure he gets the best care, plus his mom is nearby and can be there for him when I can't. That helps me feel a little bit better.
I see God at work all around us in the ways many are stepping in to care for us and provide. I see Him in the good care we are receiving at the hospital (aside from Friday's chaos). I sense Him in my own calm mindset and my children's easy-going acceptance of the changes in their lives.
I am teaching my children a new routine. As soon as they step in the door I give them hand sanitizer, they take off their shoes and carry them by hand to the closet to put them away. Then they change their clothes from the day and put on clean clothes. Then they can potty and wash their hands and greet their daddy. It's a totally foreign behavior to me because I tend to lean towards the philosophy that "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt" (to a degree). Now this dirt can hurt. They seem to like the responsibility of helping to care for Daddy so far. I've tried to explain his illness as simply as possible and they seem to understand so far. I praise the Lord for that.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Still Denial? or Disbelief is more like it.
I think I must deal with grief differently than others. I've almost been excited since we found out we start chemo next week. That sounds awful...I'm glad to have a plan and something to prepare for. It is still very, very strange because my hubby is still looking and feeling quite well. Everything will change next week.
I have researched and made my To Do lists and started a grocery list of items we'll need. I plan to clean my house, but I struggle finding the motivation...it really doesn't seem so bad, but for someone going through chemo, it would be better if it were much cleaner.
The stress level has increased at home and at work. I know I'm going to be missing time at work so I feel bad for taking normal breaks. I got irritated easily today. Probably due to the stress and perhaps the grief process too. I haven't bargained with God since I was a child, and I know better than to try that now. I focus on trusting His will is the best thing for me and my family...whatever outcome that means.
People are coming out of the woodwork, so to speak, and offering ways to support us that we never imagined. Offers to babysit our children for free, offers of a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, we've already received 2 sympathy cards with a lovely sentiment and some small shopping cards. It makes me cry and I'm so appreciative. I know it is going to be really hard, but I won't know how hard until it gets there.
We've got an appointment tomorrow to go over the chemo schedule, our girls have an appointment to get their flu shot, I need to get one too as soon as they are available, we have a minor surgery on Friday to get a "Port" implanted, and still a ct scan to schedule by Friday. Today is already Wednesday. Life is changing rapidly and I'm swimming in the new terminology of the medications we may use and how to prepare while I'm attempting to still work and go to all the appointments. BTW, a port will allow him to get his infusions with out getting stuck for an IV each day. It will stay in until after the chemo is complete.
Well, I've got a date with my man tonight for some of our shows on netflix. Good night!
I have researched and made my To Do lists and started a grocery list of items we'll need. I plan to clean my house, but I struggle finding the motivation...it really doesn't seem so bad, but for someone going through chemo, it would be better if it were much cleaner.
The stress level has increased at home and at work. I know I'm going to be missing time at work so I feel bad for taking normal breaks. I got irritated easily today. Probably due to the stress and perhaps the grief process too. I haven't bargained with God since I was a child, and I know better than to try that now. I focus on trusting His will is the best thing for me and my family...whatever outcome that means.
People are coming out of the woodwork, so to speak, and offering ways to support us that we never imagined. Offers to babysit our children for free, offers of a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, we've already received 2 sympathy cards with a lovely sentiment and some small shopping cards. It makes me cry and I'm so appreciative. I know it is going to be really hard, but I won't know how hard until it gets there.
We've got an appointment tomorrow to go over the chemo schedule, our girls have an appointment to get their flu shot, I need to get one too as soon as they are available, we have a minor surgery on Friday to get a "Port" implanted, and still a ct scan to schedule by Friday. Today is already Wednesday. Life is changing rapidly and I'm swimming in the new terminology of the medications we may use and how to prepare while I'm attempting to still work and go to all the appointments. BTW, a port will allow him to get his infusions with out getting stuck for an IV each day. It will stay in until after the chemo is complete.
Well, I've got a date with my man tonight for some of our shows on netflix. Good night!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Grief
1. Denial
2. Bargaining
3. Anger
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Those are the stages of grief. I don't know that I have gone through all of them before. I don't know if my practical mind would allow it. I could see "denial" as the difficulty to believe that this situation is real. I know my husband has cancer. I know we're going to go through 9 long weeks of chemo therapy...and that is if everything goes as planned. It could take longer if complications arise. I still have trouble realizing the truth of those words.
We could start chemo as early as next week. I should be preparing like crazy, but it all seems so unreal. I don't even know how to prepare or what to expect. I have a specific number of PTO hours, and not having gone through this before I don't know what the best way to use those hours might be. I don't know all the specifics of how his treatment plan will go yet, so I don't know how to prepare the children or myself. I can't imagine my husband without hair. All I can imagine from people I've seen with cancer is a tall, gaunt, smooth-skinned figure. And that isn't my husband at all.
The one thing I thought I knew about chemo turns out to be a false idea too. Turns out a good number of men after this chemo go on to have children of their own. A smaller number of course cannot. I had accepted the fact of no more children and now again, it is a possibility, although a very uncertain one. I was beginning to plan on what baby items to sell, what to give away, what to share, and how to use the space it would free up. So much for that. :P
I'm just at a loss right now. I'm not fearful, not numb. It just doesn't feel real. My husband looks healthy. He feels healthy. I know it is going to all change, but I can't comprehend it right now.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Coping
Man, this is tough! I spent most of my evening barely holding back tears last night and crying when I thought about my fears. Trying to comprehend how life is going to change was, and is, so hard to do. I keep waiting for the shock to wear off. I felt numb to the world most of the day today and grocery shopping with my daughter was the only thing to get me out of my numb world. I actually didn't think about cancer or chemo for an hour!
I read my bible as usual this morning. It was good. I prayed on the way to a training class I had to go to, just asking God to keep my heart and mind focused on him and trusting in him. I cried then, but made it through the class without crying, even though I felt like any little thing said or thought and I'd lose it in front of everybody. My hubby spent the day watching tv with our children (something they enjoy) and then playing his computer games trying to keep his mind off of cancer. I think I've considered all the things I know I could fear so far and so I'm not thinking of new fears, but one sad point has been on my mind today. Chemo is almost a sure bet we will not have any more children. I wanted God to decide for me if we should have more or shouldn't, but I was hoping he'd give us a child and not cancer. I'm not depressed about it, but it is a sad bit of closure. I guess the positive side is that we'll have more space in our house after we give away our baby items that we won't be needing.
I'm tired and will hopefully sleep good tonight. It helps me cope and work out what's going on in my head to write these blogs. Thank you for your prayers. Good-night.
I read my bible as usual this morning. It was good. I prayed on the way to a training class I had to go to, just asking God to keep my heart and mind focused on him and trusting in him. I cried then, but made it through the class without crying, even though I felt like any little thing said or thought and I'd lose it in front of everybody. My hubby spent the day watching tv with our children (something they enjoy) and then playing his computer games trying to keep his mind off of cancer. I think I've considered all the things I know I could fear so far and so I'm not thinking of new fears, but one sad point has been on my mind today. Chemo is almost a sure bet we will not have any more children. I wanted God to decide for me if we should have more or shouldn't, but I was hoping he'd give us a child and not cancer. I'm not depressed about it, but it is a sad bit of closure. I guess the positive side is that we'll have more space in our house after we give away our baby items that we won't be needing.
I'm tired and will hopefully sleep good tonight. It helps me cope and work out what's going on in my head to write these blogs. Thank you for your prayers. Good-night.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
CT Scan and Results
The day of the CT scan we made it a family morning. All of us went to the hospital and kept daddy company while we waited. After the scan we had a family breakfast before we had to go our separate ways. Results were expected the next day, so I didn't worry to much that day. Late that afternoon my husband called with the results...they were in early! My immediate thought was: "Results early...it must mean they found more cancer!" But he proceeded to say that the scan revealed "no evidence of cancer". After I got over the shock, I was elated! I told everyone and I was so relieved. Could it really be possible that there was an end to this journey?
I did praise the Lord and thank him for the news. It was all him after all!
We had another appointment scheduled the next day to discuss our next steps. I fully expected to hear that we could either do a round of chemo/radiation or we could just do surveillance. My husband and I were thinking we would probably do the surveillance with the tumor removed and no spreading to be seen. Little did we know that there was more information we weren't aware of.
The doctor informed us that in the pathology report of the tumor there were cancer cells found in the tubes that travel to the lymph nodes. This meant that it was possible the cancer had already spread, but wasn't developed enough to show on the CT scan. This struck a devastating blow. Our options did include chemo and surveillance, but it also included the option for a surgery to remove the lymph nodes. Each option carried heavy risks. There was not an easy decision to be made. After being so elated and expecting to be almost done with this cancer journey...there was another hurdle to get through. This one came much closer to home.
Chemo carries life-long side effects, but the lowest chance of recurrence.
Surgery carried it's own risks, and depending on what was found could mean a low chance of recurrence or the need for chemo anyway.
Surveillance carried the highest risk of recurrence with some life-long side effects from the surveillance methods.
So began the game of the what-ifs and figuring out what our true priorities were in this process. We're leaning towards the surgery, because we think it is still early for the cancer...continue praying. I'm making more of an effort to pray each day and read the Word. It helps me to read the healing verses to my husband and it gets my Bible into my hands so I am more likely to read it for myself too.
I did praise the Lord and thank him for the news. It was all him after all!
We had another appointment scheduled the next day to discuss our next steps. I fully expected to hear that we could either do a round of chemo/radiation or we could just do surveillance. My husband and I were thinking we would probably do the surveillance with the tumor removed and no spreading to be seen. Little did we know that there was more information we weren't aware of.
The doctor informed us that in the pathology report of the tumor there were cancer cells found in the tubes that travel to the lymph nodes. This meant that it was possible the cancer had already spread, but wasn't developed enough to show on the CT scan. This struck a devastating blow. Our options did include chemo and surveillance, but it also included the option for a surgery to remove the lymph nodes. Each option carried heavy risks. There was not an easy decision to be made. After being so elated and expecting to be almost done with this cancer journey...there was another hurdle to get through. This one came much closer to home.
Chemo carries life-long side effects, but the lowest chance of recurrence.
Surgery carried it's own risks, and depending on what was found could mean a low chance of recurrence or the need for chemo anyway.
Surveillance carried the highest risk of recurrence with some life-long side effects from the surveillance methods.
So began the game of the what-ifs and figuring out what our true priorities were in this process. We're leaning towards the surgery, because we think it is still early for the cancer...continue praying. I'm making more of an effort to pray each day and read the Word. It helps me to read the healing verses to my husband and it gets my Bible into my hands so I am more likely to read it for myself too.
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