Contentment

Well, I think I've attained the goal of being able to wait on the Lord.  Now, if I could only be patient and stay content in my circumstances.  Have you ever just wished for a change, but God says "no", or at the very least, "not yet"?  I've been there lately and it is so hard!  The good news is I am not stressing over how to make change happen.  The bad news is that I have struggled to be happy and content with where I am.

I keep reminding myself that "whatever I do, do it as unto the Lord" and also to count my blessings because I can't deny that God has blessed me in many ways.  My husband has a t-shirt that says, "Growing old is mandatory.  Growing up is optional."  Well, I have made a choice work on growing up spiritually, but I sure wish it came more naturally and without so much struggle! God must have a never-ending supply of patience.  I know that I must test it on a regular basis in my struggle between flesh and spirituality!

As a side note, our 3-month follow up and first chest x-ray since chemo is coming up soon.  I'm not really stressed over it, I have some questions and mostly I'm just interested to learn more of what the doctor has to say about the healing process and progressing from chemo to being healthy again.  I did have a nagging fear in the back of my mind for a while and I asked a few people for prayer.  I am feeling much more at peace again.  I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to live through cancer.  I've been trying to write about our experiences...it is hard to relive those moments.  I pray that we never have to face them in real life again.

The struggle in the wait...

Waiting on the Lord is such a different way of life to me.  I am used to stressing about all the decisions for my tomorrow's and worrying over whether or not I made the right choices that day.  Basically, analyzing and second-guessing everything.

Now, I am trusting God for my tomorrow's.  I am realizing that second-guessing myself only hurts me.  It's okay to review my day and note choices that I could have done better and note specific ways I could do better next time, but it isn't okay for me to stress over the unknown possibilities or results of some choices.  It has been said and done, for better or worse that day.  There is only repentance, forgiveness and learning.  Not giving into condemning myself for mere possible negative results.

I'm finding that being in this place of resting in the Lord has opened me up to new attacks on my peace in God.  I am now facing discouragement and self-doubt in ways I never had before.  I have more insecurities than I ever imagined.  I am vulnerable because I am refusing to take control from God.  Vulnerability allows the Lord to reach me when I read his word and look for him in my situations.  I notice so much more the involvement he has in my life.  I also notice more all my defects.  Reminding myself of the promises of God and how he thinks of me is so important now.  I need that reassurance and to remember his perspective because mine is flawed.  It is what gets me past the attacks of insecurity and doubt and focuses me on the Lord.

Cancer update

Good evening, ya'll!  Sorry...a little bit of dork snuck in there.  I just realized that I don't think I ever posted on the results of the CT scan back in December.  Here's a quick recap:  the scan showed "significantly decreased lymph nodes".  Which means the chemo did its job.  Hurray!  The next CT scan is in June.  The doctor said most symptoms should be resolved in 3-4 months.  Unfortunately, that may not include the nerve damage in his feet.  The nerve damage could be permanent.  My hubby says that he feels as if he is walking on rocks all day and by the end of the day his feet are swollen and in a lot of pain.  When we saw the doctor in January for his lung test (back up to 75%!), they offered compression socks and/or a prescription medication that changes how your nerves perceive pain.  He tried the socks first, they helped with the swelling, but not much with the pain.  Then he tried the medication and that was making a big difference until he developed an allergic reaction to it.  So, we're back at square one.

I'm praying for complete healing.  The doctor is not convinced that the reaction is due to the medication, and we may try it one more time once the reaction goes away.  If it doesn't go away, he'll have to see a dermatologist.  Medically, we still have issues to deal with.  As a family, it feels whole again.  Our roles have changed a bit and I've been doing most of the housework and cooking, but I have my husband back and my children have a daddy who is involved and mostly healthy!

They that wait...

As I have been striving to simply wait on the Lord in my life, I am beginning to realize that this is not a short-term situation.  Waiting on the Lord is a life-long place of rest, contentment, and peace.  It is where I can completely let go of all my worries and cares about what tomorrow may bring.  All I need to do is strive to be faithful in seeking the Lord and obeying him each moment of the day.

Yes, it is much easier said than done!  A year ago I would not have understood this concept.  It is difficult to describe, but I am trying my best to do so!  I used to spend my free time thinking, planning, worrying, and stressing about what choices I should or should not make to ensure the best future for my family.  Will I ever be a stay-at-home mom?  Should I go back to school?  How should my hubby and I spend our money when we get our taxes back?  Will I ever have another child or am I done?  And the list could fill another several pages of all the things I worried about on a regular basis.

Waiting on the Lord means that I believe with everything I have that He already has my best interest at heart.  He has already prepared the path set before me.  He grants me wisdom and discernment to make good choices in each day.  Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail miserably.  He is faithful to forgive me and teach me.  I don't have to stress about the what if's and possibilities.  All I need to pay attention to is what lies directly in front of me at each moment.  There are many choices, and it isn't easy, but letting go of the stress and learning how to avoid the habits that lead me to stressing about those things is a journey I am on.

Waiting Faithfully

I'm in a place of waiting on the Lord.  And, I think, for the first time in my life I am recognizing that fact.  I'm sure there have been other times, but not times when I was patient to wait and see what He had in store.  It's kind of really cool and also a struggle because I like to be an active participant...wait a minute...I am an active participant in waiting!

I am continuing to seek the Lord in my quiet time, continuing to try and do my best for the Lord and for those around me.  I'm trying to stay faithful to the Lord despite the many things I don't understand in my life.  And He remains ever faithful to me.  Granting me exactly what I need, when I need it.  And when I mess up, He is faithful to forgive me and show me how to continue on...and when I have doubts or discouragement, He reminds me of His promises and who He is.  I can rely on Him to meet all my needs no matter what they are.

A Day at a Time

There is always something new to learn, a new concept to grasp, a different perspective to view.  God is bringing things to light in my life a little at a time.  I'm not feeling so overwhelmed anymore with life, but I am trying to take it slower and not attempt to be 'Superwoman' (AKA: constant failure -because it is impossible!!!).

It was hard to deal with, but a spiritual lesson was being taught.  My responsibilities at work and home piled up on me and I felt like I was drowning in it all.  I literally could not take in any additional information than what was absolutely necessary to complete the task I was doing in the moment.  Typically I would analyze the events of my day and read things into them trying to figure out the day and whether I made good choices or bad and what I could have done differently.  After getting sick, that kind of thinking was beyond my capabilities.  A true blessing in disguise.  He (God) really used those couple weeks in my life to bring me to my knees spiritually and just give up.  I think I need to find that place on a regular basis!

We had a guest pastor at church on Sunday and his sermon touched on many topics within the story of the Gentile woman who persistently pursued healing from Christ for her daughter.  One thing that really made me think was the fact that Jesus' response to the woman initially was Silence.  I've always been a positive thinker saying that God always answers prayer..."yes", "no", or "wait".  I still believe that, but I see a deeper perspective in the realization that Jesus used his Silence to draw out the woman's faith.  You can read the story in Matthew 15:21-28.  I liked the examples this pastor used to explain Jesus' silence.  It wasn't a silence to ignore her maliciously.  He has a purpose.  Always.  The pastor gave three examples:

God uses Silence to draw out our Faith to

1.  Reveal his glory in a greater capacity than if he answered our prayers the way we thought he should.  Note John 11: the story of Lazarus and how Jesus did not immediately go to sick Lazarus and heal him.  He waited until Lazarus was dead and then raised him.  What an awesome display of God's power and love!

2. Bring about surrender.  Note Hannah in 1 Samuel 1.  She desperately wanted a baby and prayed repeatedly for this.  It wasn't until she surrendered herself and her dreams for her child to the Lord, that she was blessed with a son.

3.  Enable us to minister to his people through our wounds.  Remember, we also serve a Savior who bears scars as a witness to minister to our hearts.

Willing

Dear Lord, Here I am...before you weak and with nothing to offer but myself.  Overwhelmed and weary, all I am is yours to mold and move as only you know is best.  Refresh and restore my soul.  Teach me how to rest in you, how to wait on you.  You are all my hope clings to and I give it all to you.  All of me.  All I am.  In Jesus Name, Amen

I don't understand this place I am in...I'm not scared.  I am not anxious.  I am simply so greatly overwhelmed that my mind cannot even attempt to try to find answers.  I can't even begin to analyze why or how I got to this place.  I've never been here before in all I've lived through.  I am not even attempting to try and figure it out because it just hurts to think.  I know God is working in this.  He is working in me.  Perhaps I am learning to rely more on Him than on myself.  That's a doozy of a lesson!  Whatever His plan for me is, I am willing.