Long time, no write

Hello again.  I'm still here.  Sorry it has been so long since I've written.  I've been in a spiritual place that I couldn't label.  A place that I couldn't analyze or figure out and so, I didn't know how to blog about it.

I know God is at work in my life.  I can't really tell you what I am learning right now because I guess I haven't finished this lesson yet, whatever it is.  I am growing more mature and discovering more of who I am in the different roles I must play.  For a while I was looking to see what God was doing.  Searching for answers and solutions that He hadn't given yet.  I got impatient and felt a little lost, perhaps like a lamb who wanders astray and suddenly finds itself in unfamiliar territory.  Maybe God doesn't want me to analyze spiritual lessons so much.  I will never understand Him completely and my experiences, while they may help you along your journey, are not the same as yours and will not give you a short-cut to the "finish line" of developing your relationship with the Lord.

My husband's health continues to improve.  He got some new shoes that really seem to help with the nerve pain.  The shoes aren't made for helping, just for supporting the foot properly, especially for those who work long hours on their feet.  The nerve pain and tingling in his feet has improved, but is still there.  We are thankful for the improvement.  He is able to do most things without his feet stopping him. :)

Update

The results of the 3 month x-ray were good.  No growth in the lymph nodes, so as the oncologist put it, this was a 'good news' appointment.  We'll see how the next appointment goes.  That is the big one.  At 6 months we'll do a full CT scan and get a better view of whatever is or isn't going on.  I don't have any expectations.  It's too far away and I'm not thinking about it.  It's just on the calendar at this point.

I've made baby steps in spending time with the Lord.  We're talking again and I'm reading my bible again.  Not as regular as it was before, but I will get there.  I have really been working on being aware of my heart-attitude and praying that I would approach life humbly and not pridefully.  I know that I can't figure life out on my own and I don't want to deceive myself into trying.  I also don't want to react to any issues I'm facing from a selfish point of view.  I truly do want to do the will of God because I know that will result in the best possible outcome.  I can't do any of this of my own power.  So, I've been praying little heartfelt requests and giving thanks as I recognize His blessings as my day goes on.

Discouraged

I am a glutton for punishment. I watched 'My Sister's Keeper' tonight.  It was a good movie.  I knew it would be an emotional one and almost didn't watch it, but I'm not sad that I did.

The past several weeks have been intense for me.  Discouragement that bordered on depression was becoming part of my view of life and I couldn't figure it out.  The no-brainer is that I haven't been spending my time with God.  That alone always opens me up for difficulties.  The thing was, I knew that I was neglecting that quiet time and I wasn't motivated to change it.  It was very dark and didn't seem very rational to me.

I'm positive that a spiritual battle is waging over my life right now, and only after asking for prayer has the darkness lifted.  It is still there, but I am not buried beneath the weight of it anymore.  I don't know that I have ever faced discouragement like this before.  Things in my job and at home seemed so monumental when normally I just deal with them and move on.  I grew weary of fighting the good fight.  Maybe it is part of dealing with the grieving process of surviving cancer with my husband.  Maybe it is solely a spiritual growth issue.  Whatever it is, it isn't over.

This thing I cannot face on my own.  It confuses me, twists my thoughts, defeats my will to fight.  I don't know why I am so stubborn and prideful sometimes.  I am far from perfect and I also know that I am not as near to worthless as the devil would have me believe.  Knowing isn't enough.  Doing isn't enough.  It must be a heart battle.  I cannot overcome on my own power.  God has to do something in me.  I need to allow him to do whatever he needs to do.  Even though I feel like I should be done persevering,  I need Him to give me rest and teach me to live in that rest as I continue following Him.

Contentment

Well, I think I've attained the goal of being able to wait on the Lord.  Now, if I could only be patient and stay content in my circumstances.  Have you ever just wished for a change, but God says "no", or at the very least, "not yet"?  I've been there lately and it is so hard!  The good news is I am not stressing over how to make change happen.  The bad news is that I have struggled to be happy and content with where I am.

I keep reminding myself that "whatever I do, do it as unto the Lord" and also to count my blessings because I can't deny that God has blessed me in many ways.  My husband has a t-shirt that says, "Growing old is mandatory.  Growing up is optional."  Well, I have made a choice work on growing up spiritually, but I sure wish it came more naturally and without so much struggle! God must have a never-ending supply of patience.  I know that I must test it on a regular basis in my struggle between flesh and spirituality!

As a side note, our 3-month follow up and first chest x-ray since chemo is coming up soon.  I'm not really stressed over it, I have some questions and mostly I'm just interested to learn more of what the doctor has to say about the healing process and progressing from chemo to being healthy again.  I did have a nagging fear in the back of my mind for a while and I asked a few people for prayer.  I am feeling much more at peace again.  I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to live through cancer.  I've been trying to write about our experiences...it is hard to relive those moments.  I pray that we never have to face them in real life again.

The struggle in the wait...

Waiting on the Lord is such a different way of life to me.  I am used to stressing about all the decisions for my tomorrow's and worrying over whether or not I made the right choices that day.  Basically, analyzing and second-guessing everything.

Now, I am trusting God for my tomorrow's.  I am realizing that second-guessing myself only hurts me.  It's okay to review my day and note choices that I could have done better and note specific ways I could do better next time, but it isn't okay for me to stress over the unknown possibilities or results of some choices.  It has been said and done, for better or worse that day.  There is only repentance, forgiveness and learning.  Not giving into condemning myself for mere possible negative results.

I'm finding that being in this place of resting in the Lord has opened me up to new attacks on my peace in God.  I am now facing discouragement and self-doubt in ways I never had before.  I have more insecurities than I ever imagined.  I am vulnerable because I am refusing to take control from God.  Vulnerability allows the Lord to reach me when I read his word and look for him in my situations.  I notice so much more the involvement he has in my life.  I also notice more all my defects.  Reminding myself of the promises of God and how he thinks of me is so important now.  I need that reassurance and to remember his perspective because mine is flawed.  It is what gets me past the attacks of insecurity and doubt and focuses me on the Lord.

Cancer update

Good evening, ya'll!  Sorry...a little bit of dork snuck in there.  I just realized that I don't think I ever posted on the results of the CT scan back in December.  Here's a quick recap:  the scan showed "significantly decreased lymph nodes".  Which means the chemo did its job.  Hurray!  The next CT scan is in June.  The doctor said most symptoms should be resolved in 3-4 months.  Unfortunately, that may not include the nerve damage in his feet.  The nerve damage could be permanent.  My hubby says that he feels as if he is walking on rocks all day and by the end of the day his feet are swollen and in a lot of pain.  When we saw the doctor in January for his lung test (back up to 75%!), they offered compression socks and/or a prescription medication that changes how your nerves perceive pain.  He tried the socks first, they helped with the swelling, but not much with the pain.  Then he tried the medication and that was making a big difference until he developed an allergic reaction to it.  So, we're back at square one.

I'm praying for complete healing.  The doctor is not convinced that the reaction is due to the medication, and we may try it one more time once the reaction goes away.  If it doesn't go away, he'll have to see a dermatologist.  Medically, we still have issues to deal with.  As a family, it feels whole again.  Our roles have changed a bit and I've been doing most of the housework and cooking, but I have my husband back and my children have a daddy who is involved and mostly healthy!

They that wait...

As I have been striving to simply wait on the Lord in my life, I am beginning to realize that this is not a short-term situation.  Waiting on the Lord is a life-long place of rest, contentment, and peace.  It is where I can completely let go of all my worries and cares about what tomorrow may bring.  All I need to do is strive to be faithful in seeking the Lord and obeying him each moment of the day.

Yes, it is much easier said than done!  A year ago I would not have understood this concept.  It is difficult to describe, but I am trying my best to do so!  I used to spend my free time thinking, planning, worrying, and stressing about what choices I should or should not make to ensure the best future for my family.  Will I ever be a stay-at-home mom?  Should I go back to school?  How should my hubby and I spend our money when we get our taxes back?  Will I ever have another child or am I done?  And the list could fill another several pages of all the things I worried about on a regular basis.

Waiting on the Lord means that I believe with everything I have that He already has my best interest at heart.  He has already prepared the path set before me.  He grants me wisdom and discernment to make good choices in each day.  Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail miserably.  He is faithful to forgive me and teach me.  I don't have to stress about the what if's and possibilities.  All I need to pay attention to is what lies directly in front of me at each moment.  There are many choices, and it isn't easy, but letting go of the stress and learning how to avoid the habits that lead me to stressing about those things is a journey I am on.