Stress - It's A Killer!

Merry Christmas!  Christmas was wonderful.  Everything has gone well.  Our children were more than blessed by others and our new appliances are such a blessing. 

Somehow I don't feel relaxed.  I feel more stressed than I have felt in a long, long time.  The month of December has been more stressful though.  Perhaps it is still not worked out of my system yet. 

Professionally, I have had more stress in my job than is normal.  Partly due to my own ethics...standing up for what I believe to be right, is hard.  I hate conflict in the deepest part my soul and even standing up for what I think is right causes me immense stress.  I have second guessed myself and reviewed my motives multiple times to be sure that I was not acting on selfish or biased motives.  I don't believe I did. 

At home, of course it has been stressful.  Positive stresses mostly, but stressful all the same.  I've been trying to let go of the reigns so to speak at home.  Since my husband's cancer, much of this year I have been the decision maker with parenting our children, I have figured out how to make things work managing our home, the health and well-being of our family, scheduling, meals, providing for needs.  I've done what I had to in order to keep our family going.  To keep the children as protected and undamaged by this thing called cancer as I possibly can.  To maintain my sanity and my walk with the Lord.  To continue to be a supportive wife and care for my husband's needs. Maybe my resolve, my strength has at last failed me.  My husband is healing.  His hair is slowly returning.  His energy is increasing.  His involvement as a spouse and father is increasing.  All very wonderful things.  All changes that I am adjusting to as well.

The next CT scan is in two days.  The first since chemo began.  I am terrified, uncertain of what to expect and beyond the ability to try and prepare myself.  Admitting that feels strange, because I can barely rationalize the stress.  The cancer should be gone.  The lymph node enlargement should be reduced.  I don't know if I can handle any more.  I don't know that I am terrified of the scan and what it may or may not show.  But I am terrified of having to handle one more thing.  My perseverance is running out.  I want to run into my Heavenly Father's arms and find that perfect rest.  Literally.  I give up.  Somewhere along this road I've forgotten to do that.  When did I stop relying on the Lord?  I don't even know.

I've been trying my best to be everything I need to be for everybody.  The strong, immovable, faithful, godly woman, wife, and mother I think I need to be.  I think the line between following God's will by doing my part and allowing Him to lead got distorted.  I get confused knowing just how much I need to be doing to follow God's will verses just how much I don't need to do.

I wish I could follow this verse easier...it baffles me.  "They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they will rise up on wings like eagles, They will run and not grow weary, walk and not faint." Isaiah 41:31 (paraphrased). 

Perhaps the answer is right in front of me.  Quoted in a book I was reading today, "Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage.  Wait for the Lord, wait for the Lord.  I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait. And in His Word I do hope." Psalm 27:14, 130:5.

The NIV phrases Isaiah 40:31 "those who HOPE in the Lord"  instead of those who WAIT.  Perhaps I have slowly misplaced my hope and my focus...I wish it was harder to do.  I seem to excel at this...I'm glad I have this blog.  I think I learn more from it than you might.  Goodnight and God bless.

Christmas Hub-Bub!

It is hard to stay focused on the Lord during the chaotic schedule of December this year!  I've been managing, but I know my "good" can be much better.  With family birthdays, the birth of a new nephew, extended family celebrations, and work and still responsible for the household management...I'm a little overwhelmed.  It is all exciting and a lot of good things happening, but I forgot to balance it all and keep it in perspective.

Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I feel how I'd imagine an ADD person must feel.  I have lists upon lists of things to do in my brain and the clock and the calendar all seem to meld into one scrambled mess that I can't untangle.  On top of it all, two of our appliances decided to break down.  Praise the Lord that we had loving angels who provided the funds to replace them!  And I realized just how thankful I am that my parents taught me to wash dishes by hand as a child.  I know it seems like an easy task, but if I didn't already know the techniques of how to get into the small places and deep bottles, I'd have had a very hard time getting some of those dishes clean!  It's something my children are going to be learning in their future!

My husband is healing and recovering a little more each week.  He's participating in more activities and spur of the moment fun with the family.  Physically he still tires easily and gets out of breath with too much activity, but he is looking healthier!

In my quiet times, I'm still finishing the book of Jeremiah, but today I read the birth of Jesus in Luke 2.  I think God is telling me to stop and change my focus.  My priorities are not supposed to be about stuff.  They need to be focused on Jesus and my family.  The stuff won't matter in 20 years.  It probably won't even matter in 1 year.  How are you preparing for the holiday season?

Glory to God for He is GOOD.

My honey developed pneumonia over Thanksgiving weekend and ended up being admitted to the hospital.  He was allowed to come home yesterday evening and immediately spiked a 104 temp.  I completely lost all peace of mind in the midst of waiting to see if the fever would go down...wondering if I could continue with the night's plan or if our evening would be completely upturned.  The children needed to be fed dinner, they needed to go to bed on time and had school in the morning.  Our youngest is fighting illness, and I wanted to be able to help her heal.  Thankfully the fever decreased and the doctor said we could stay home as long as Tylenol was doing its job and we just need to call the clinic today and speak to his team.

And yet, God is still here.  Providing for us and working in our hearts for our good.  Even in the hardest times, He is there.  When he was in the hospital, a few people commented on how well I was handling it.  It was all God.  I have been learning that I cannot accomplish anything by worrying about it.  There are things that I cannot control and no matter how hard I stress and worry, my efforts only damage my ability to be the woman, wife, mom God has called me to be.  I completely trust God to work all things out to the good of those who love him...and that's me and my family.  Even though I don't see what God is doing at the time, I trust Him fully.

Last night, after all the crazyness, God gave me a glimpse of the wonderful things He has been doing during this past year.  Even though we've been through some of the hardest experiences we may ever face, spiritually it has been one of the best and most productive years in our lives.  Our marriage is growing stronger.  Our faith is deepening.  And it is all to the glory of God.  HE IS AN AWESOME GOD!!!

Chemo Recovery

Chemo recovery is an extremely slow process.  I rejoiced when they told us that we would have no more chemo therapy.  It's been such a long journey.  Recovery is hard because you don't know what to expect aside from the fact that it will take several months to feel "normal" again.  I can't plan for recovery.  It's also hard because I am so ready to be done with cancer and leave it securely in the past.  One day at a time.  One step at a time.

I don't regret this last year.  I don't wish that cancer never came to us.  I've learned so much and I'm grateful for those lessons learned.  I'm not who I once was...and I know that I've still go so much more to learn.  I miss the perfect peace and unshakable confidence I had when we first learned of cancer.  I was walking hanging on to God's hand.  Having the cancer return was as if I stumbled and let go and still haven't quite figured out how to grasp his hand again.  I haven't requested as much prayer as I did the first time around and I've just dealt with the hard times.  That's all I can think of...I have made so many prayer requests this past year, I almost feel like it's someone else's turn and I've taken too many turns.  Yes, I know that is spiritually irrational, but it is how I feel.  So, if you want to lift up a prayer for us, it is much welcome!  :)

Falling Down

I find it ironic that my last post was labeled "Living Faith" and this very next post is at one of my low points.  I started back to work full time this week for the first time in what feels like a very long time.  I was working part time at home and part time at work during chemo.  It's been a rough adjustment for me to go back and I'm feeling the stress and weariness hit me.  I work in the typical middle-management role with break time allowed, but rarely taken due to the nature of the job.

Even though we are finished with chemo, my better half is still very, very ill.  I look forward to his health improving, but it is slow going.  We don't even know what the long-term side effects will be yet.  Tonight I am tired of "fighting the good fight."  I'm just plain tired, but haven't gone to bed yet because I'm avoiding the dishes and clutter I need to take care of.

My faith took a blow this week also because I made some bad choices and sinned.  This seems easier to do when I am tired mentally and physically.  I've confessed and asked forgiveness, but I really felt the effect spiritually between me and God.  He's continually teaching me and growing me into a better person, but I still make mistakes and they aren't fun to learn from.  It's amazing how Satan pounces on you once you allow a little sin into your life, even for a moment.  He uses it to condemn you and mentally bash your confidence.  My thoughts have run the gammet from, "I'm so unworthy" to "Why would God even consider using me to serve His people again"  If I didn't know the promises in His word, I might fall prey to those condemning thoughts...and, even though I do know His promises, those thoughts hurt and I have to battle against them.  I am just praying for God to give me His perspective, a view from outside myself.  I know that this is only a step of my journey and with God, I can overcome anything.

...It's about an hour later than my above writing. I was reading through a blog of someone who I highly respect and love as my sister in Christ, even though we don't know each other well. She is a cancer survivor and her blog is at:
http://jillian-commitingmywaysuntothelord.blogspot.com/
Jillian is a true child of God and has such a happy heart.  Her cancer experience was much worse than ours has been.  I can't imagine, but the things she has blogged about are similar to what I have discovered spiritually in these past few months.  It did my heart good to see her frame of mind before cancer, during, and after.  Cancer just is horrible.  I never wanted to know it.  God's ways are not my ways and He has definitely changed me for the better in all of this.  I praise Him for who He is and I don't have the words to express.  Jillian is an upbeat, postive person.  Thank you, Jillian, for being honest and sharing your journey.  God is definitely using it!

Living Faith

Living through the drama of cancer is like nothing I've ever experienced.  Even though it creates complications to daily life and stress levels rise easier than they used to, it is still living life.  You don't stop living.  Life goes on.  It becomes a question of whether you are going to participate and make the best of your situation.  Because what you decide to do, how you decide to act and cope makes the difference between falling to devastation and rising above the drama.

My husband had to learn to live with an array of awful symptoms that are part of his daily life.  For the past month and a half he has had to learn new limitations physically and emotionally.  Our children have had to learn to think of their Daddy's needs before their own, and have also had to deal with times when Daddy wasn't able to be 'there' and Mommy wasn't 'there' either, or had little patience.  Thankfully, many of these things are temporary.  We have grown so much, learned new things.  It has been a bumpy road and only Faith in Christ has carried us through as well as we have gotten through.  That is what this blog is all about.  Living faith in a real experience, being real with what it looks like to live your faith in the hardest times. 

Today the doctor's office called us to say that there would be no more chemo for this part of the journey.  Part of me is thrilled.  Part of me is hesitant to be thankful.  Because of the negative effect chemo had on his lungs, 3 treatments of one drug were cancelled.  That increases the risk of recurrence...something I can't bear to imagine.  I'm amazed to have survived this much and being done with chemo early is nearly too good to be true.  Is God answering prayers and healing my husband more quickly than we had anticipated?  My fear is that we're being set up for another blow.  I don't know if I could handle that. 

But...in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind."  Who am I to fear what God has granted?  I will rejoice.  Psalm 63:6-8, "When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.  My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me." and Psalm 16:8-9, "I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices, my flesh will also rest in hope."

Chemo Delay?

We've started our 3rd round of chemo and last planned round.  We found out this morning that due to the results of his pulmonary function test and decreased liver function, one of his three chemo drugs had to be cancelled.

Since his cancer is highly curable, doctors plan treatment with the goal of least long-term health risk.  The two drugs he is on this week are known to increase risk of leukemia.  The drug that was cancelled today causes short-term damage to the lungs and can reduce the amount of the first two drugs he has to take.

Now that it had to be cancelled, we may still need to have another round of treatment.  He has another pulmonary function test on Wednesday and more blood work to check on his liver.  I don't know what will happen until we meet with the doctor on Thursday.

It is in God's hands, whatever happens.  We'll deal with it and make it through.  I'm just praying that our hearts and mind continue to rely on the Lord and put our trust in Him and not get discouraged.