Watching my husband lose his hair was hard. He finally looks like a cancer patient, there is no pretending that cancer isn't there. He's had the same hairstyle since I've known him. He's had facial hair 98% of our life together. It's amazing what a silly thing like hair can change. He has not changed, just the outward appearance. He is handsome to me and I love him just as much as ever. It is the fact that there is no denying what we are dealing with that is hard. Perhaps I'm moving on from the denial stage of grief. What is next? Bargaining? Anger? I really can't imagine those.
I feel like a leaf caught in the currents of a rushing river. I can't change circumstances. I can't push back or stop the waters. I can't swim out of the current. I can only go with the flow and try to stay afloat. Try to keep my family afloat. The things close to my heart are my children and my husband. I desire that they would be stable, positive, and strengthened in their walk with the Lord. Sometimes it doesn't seem like much has changed and other times it seems like a lot has changed. This isn't what I dreamed for my family.
As I read what I've written. I am seeing the word "I" a lot. There should be more of "HIM" in there. More trusting the Lord to carry us in this rushing river of cancer. More of Him and less of me. I cannot do this without him. My family cannot overcome without Him. Lord, I ask you to keep my eyes and my heart focused on You. In Jesus Name, Amen
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Grieving
Grief seems like such a vague word to me. I know I'm going through it, but I don't really fully understand it. I took a class today at our Christian Conference called "Ministering Through Grief". I originally signed up to learn how to help my husband through the unseen trials of cancer...now that the cancer has returned and we're dealing with chemo, I thought it would be even more helpful. Instead, I think it was the first place I have felt comfortable in sharing my own personal grief with another live person.
We discussed helpful things to say to someone who is grieving and what not to say. How to truly be a help and not a hindrance. But it was the open discussion moments where I learned a lot about how I am grieving and what helps me.
I never feel comfortable talking to others about my problems. I have had enough "friends" who talked to me and at me, but never seemed to truly listen. I've learned most people need their needs met, but don't know how to reciprocate. I also am not always able to communicate my needs. I've developed this unconscious belief that my needs are not important or valued than other's. It's something I am learning isn't true.
Grief takes as long as it takes. That was the main point driven home today. I am grieving. Grieving the loss of normalcy, the pain of loss and unwanted life changes. I can't always define why it affects me worse some days than others. I desire respect, patience and to be understood. This journey I'm on is hard. My group of peers relieved me of my duties at the conference. At first I didn't think that was necessary and took it as accepting their way of helping me. Now I realize what a blessing they gave me. It was the freedom of not having the added responsibility, the reduction of mental stress, the ability to have the freedom to take care of myself. I don't care for myself well mentally when I'm stressed. I often don't realize the amount of stress until I shutdown and can't take anymore. I am very grateful for the time they gave me. How wise they were.
We discussed helpful things to say to someone who is grieving and what not to say. How to truly be a help and not a hindrance. But it was the open discussion moments where I learned a lot about how I am grieving and what helps me.
I never feel comfortable talking to others about my problems. I have had enough "friends" who talked to me and at me, but never seemed to truly listen. I've learned most people need their needs met, but don't know how to reciprocate. I also am not always able to communicate my needs. I've developed this unconscious belief that my needs are not important or valued than other's. It's something I am learning isn't true.
Grief takes as long as it takes. That was the main point driven home today. I am grieving. Grieving the loss of normalcy, the pain of loss and unwanted life changes. I can't always define why it affects me worse some days than others. I desire respect, patience and to be understood. This journey I'm on is hard. My group of peers relieved me of my duties at the conference. At first I didn't think that was necessary and took it as accepting their way of helping me. Now I realize what a blessing they gave me. It was the freedom of not having the added responsibility, the reduction of mental stress, the ability to have the freedom to take care of myself. I don't care for myself well mentally when I'm stressed. I often don't realize the amount of stress until I shutdown and can't take anymore. I am very grateful for the time they gave me. How wise they were.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Cancer Life
Daily life in our household has changed. I am learning new ways of coping and surviving...more than just surviving. I am learning boundaries and actions I need to take to preserve my family and my own sanity.
My husband hasn't become the sickly, gaunt person I was afraid of. It's true he constantly feels ill and fatigued. But he is still able to be present and participate in most family routines. We can still eat at the table as a family on his good days and we've adjusted other routines to still be a whole family.
We have made it through the first round of chemo. Two more to go. Next week will be challenging as it is the first week of round two with five full days of treatment. Now that we've been through it once, I can more realistically anticipate what might happen and I feel more ready for it. I think I'm more prepared for the loneliness on the days he is too sick to be present. I pray for God's closeness and the strength to see through His eyes on those days. I much prefer to look at this from a Heavenly perspective than my own selfish view.
My awareness of the need to spend time with God has been heightened. I yearn for the peace and refreshing I find when I read His Word and make moments focused just on Him. My children and I have taken to singing worship songs in the car on the way to school. The old, melodious songs I learned in my youth. I don't even know if I am singing the songs correctly, but we are praising the Lord together and loving it.
I'm searching to hear the Lord's voice throughout my day to learn where I need to be refined and changed. I'm learning so much. How to be a mother bearing the weight of responsibility, while still within a marriage, and the little choices I make have such a huge impact on the outcome of our daily lives. I mess up quite a lot and there are moments that I just am in my "flesh" and don't want to care about anybody else. But in those moments and afterward, I sense the Holy Spirit guiding me, chiding me and prodding me to think, repent, and forgive. I'm not alone in this journey even though I sometimes feel lonely. I serve such an awesome God. and He cares about little me amongst all my failures and problems. :)
My husband hasn't become the sickly, gaunt person I was afraid of. It's true he constantly feels ill and fatigued. But he is still able to be present and participate in most family routines. We can still eat at the table as a family on his good days and we've adjusted other routines to still be a whole family.
We have made it through the first round of chemo. Two more to go. Next week will be challenging as it is the first week of round two with five full days of treatment. Now that we've been through it once, I can more realistically anticipate what might happen and I feel more ready for it. I think I'm more prepared for the loneliness on the days he is too sick to be present. I pray for God's closeness and the strength to see through His eyes on those days. I much prefer to look at this from a Heavenly perspective than my own selfish view.
My awareness of the need to spend time with God has been heightened. I yearn for the peace and refreshing I find when I read His Word and make moments focused just on Him. My children and I have taken to singing worship songs in the car on the way to school. The old, melodious songs I learned in my youth. I don't even know if I am singing the songs correctly, but we are praising the Lord together and loving it.
I'm searching to hear the Lord's voice throughout my day to learn where I need to be refined and changed. I'm learning so much. How to be a mother bearing the weight of responsibility, while still within a marriage, and the little choices I make have such a huge impact on the outcome of our daily lives. I mess up quite a lot and there are moments that I just am in my "flesh" and don't want to care about anybody else. But in those moments and afterward, I sense the Holy Spirit guiding me, chiding me and prodding me to think, repent, and forgive. I'm not alone in this journey even though I sometimes feel lonely. I serve such an awesome God. and He cares about little me amongst all my failures and problems. :)
Monday, October 3, 2011
A new calling?
I've had a bit of a struggle with the Lord since learning the cancer had returned. I didn't stop trusting Him, but I was hurt. I didn't understand why it was back. Hadn't I learned and grown enough for one year? The "why" question bugged me a lot more than last time around. I tried to let it go, but I felt distant from God. I couldn't see what He was doing. I still can't.
Today was Day 8 of chemo after a nice 2 day break. I was blessed to be able to spend time with my hubby during chemo treatments and had to return to work afterwards. On the way in I was listening to a Christian radio station. An advertisement for a new Christian book was on and it was about how sometimes God places a calling on your life that you never asked for and don't want. I thought it was interesting and casually thought about how it could apply to my life. Then in my email box, the daily devotion I received was also about accepting God's calling on your life even when it isn't what you wanted.
I don't know exactly what God may be calling me to...but all I can think of at this moment in time is either something work related, or possibly His answer to my "why". Perhaps through this time of cancer, I am to minister to my husband. To be the rock for him spiritually. I don't know exactly how, but it gives me a Peace to my "why" struggle and a hope in my Lord that He does indeed know what He is doing.
I ask you to join me as I pray for guidance, protection, and wisdom to know what God's will for my family is, and what His will for my behavior/words will be each moment. Thank you!
Today was Day 8 of chemo after a nice 2 day break. I was blessed to be able to spend time with my hubby during chemo treatments and had to return to work afterwards. On the way in I was listening to a Christian radio station. An advertisement for a new Christian book was on and it was about how sometimes God places a calling on your life that you never asked for and don't want. I thought it was interesting and casually thought about how it could apply to my life. Then in my email box, the daily devotion I received was also about accepting God's calling on your life even when it isn't what you wanted.
I don't know exactly what God may be calling me to...but all I can think of at this moment in time is either something work related, or possibly His answer to my "why". Perhaps through this time of cancer, I am to minister to my husband. To be the rock for him spiritually. I don't know exactly how, but it gives me a Peace to my "why" struggle and a hope in my Lord that He does indeed know what He is doing.
I ask you to join me as I pray for guidance, protection, and wisdom to know what God's will for my family is, and what His will for my behavior/words will be each moment. Thank you!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The Struggle Begins
Day 4 of Chemo: Fatigue, Digestion Issues, Nausea
My husband's health deteriorates more and more each day. It hurts to watch him change. I feel like I'm losing my husband, the man I know him to be is disappearing...he'll return, but it'll be a long while. He is weak and tired. He can't participate in our family routine of putting our children to bed and other routines of life at home. They are missing their daddy and I hurt for them too. The part of the journey I've been dreading is here...being the single parent, the caregiver-spouse who is on her own. I have a lot of help and a huge crowd of believers praying for me and my family. I have my Lord and the blessing of His Word to read. It still hurts. I'm still sad. Not all the time, but right now, at night when I'm alone is when I feel it the most. I am strong in Christ, but I don't always feel strong.
Yesterday he was tired, but I had the afternoon with him while the children were still at school and we had a good chunk of quality time just hanging out and watching Voyager (yup, we're Trekkie's!). I so enjoyed yesterday! Today I worked the whole day through and brought the children home after school got out. I was tired from a full day and he was already beginning to crash for the evening. We had a simple supper camped out in the living room, not the normal dinner experience, but at least together. I want to create new routines centered around our family being together as much as possible. I want them to still have their daddy as a part of their daily routines, even though our routines are changing. The balancing act is a challenge.
As I think over all of this, I have a choice to make in my heart. I can wallow in the 'depths of despair' and beat myself up with misplaced 'mommy guilt' and loneliness or I can look to see what God has in this place right now. I'm going to spend some time in prayer. I need to draw close to my Lord and Saviour and find my sustenance and joy in Him. If there is one thing I know for sure...I cannot do this on my own.
My husband's health deteriorates more and more each day. It hurts to watch him change. I feel like I'm losing my husband, the man I know him to be is disappearing...he'll return, but it'll be a long while. He is weak and tired. He can't participate in our family routine of putting our children to bed and other routines of life at home. They are missing their daddy and I hurt for them too. The part of the journey I've been dreading is here...being the single parent, the caregiver-spouse who is on her own. I have a lot of help and a huge crowd of believers praying for me and my family. I have my Lord and the blessing of His Word to read. It still hurts. I'm still sad. Not all the time, but right now, at night when I'm alone is when I feel it the most. I am strong in Christ, but I don't always feel strong.
Yesterday he was tired, but I had the afternoon with him while the children were still at school and we had a good chunk of quality time just hanging out and watching Voyager (yup, we're Trekkie's!). I so enjoyed yesterday! Today I worked the whole day through and brought the children home after school got out. I was tired from a full day and he was already beginning to crash for the evening. We had a simple supper camped out in the living room, not the normal dinner experience, but at least together. I want to create new routines centered around our family being together as much as possible. I want them to still have their daddy as a part of their daily routines, even though our routines are changing. The balancing act is a challenge.
As I think over all of this, I have a choice to make in my heart. I can wallow in the 'depths of despair' and beat myself up with misplaced 'mommy guilt' and loneliness or I can look to see what God has in this place right now. I'm going to spend some time in prayer. I need to draw close to my Lord and Saviour and find my sustenance and joy in Him. If there is one thing I know for sure...I cannot do this on my own.
Monday, September 26, 2011
First Day of Chemo
Exhaustion is setting in from the hours spent preparing, stress, and troubled sleep. I can feel it in my bones. It's a good thing that the first day of chemo is the easiest. It is the day that the cancer warrior is still feeling "normal" and feeling good. We anticipated a 9-hour day, but were blessed to finish at 7-hours. We passed the time together chatting, playing Words with Friends, snacking, and learning how it all worked. The nurse we had was very informative and kind. Her personality was easy to work with. Some nurses feel more like sergeants giving directions, but she gave us direction and information as well as the freedom to communicate and make our own choices. As the day ended, he was a little tired and feeling "crummy" in general, but not too bad. He was able to enjoy dinner with us, his favorite meal: Spaghetti!
I will miss most of his infusion days and I'm not totally comfortable with that situation, but I can't afford to miss a month or more of work. There's a little of the same emotional struggle I had when he was in the hospital and I knew I had to trust others to care for my children while I cared for my husband. At least this time he gets to come home every day and I get to be the one to ensure he gets the best care, plus his mom is nearby and can be there for him when I can't. That helps me feel a little bit better.
I see God at work all around us in the ways many are stepping in to care for us and provide. I see Him in the good care we are receiving at the hospital (aside from Friday's chaos). I sense Him in my own calm mindset and my children's easy-going acceptance of the changes in their lives.
I am teaching my children a new routine. As soon as they step in the door I give them hand sanitizer, they take off their shoes and carry them by hand to the closet to put them away. Then they change their clothes from the day and put on clean clothes. Then they can potty and wash their hands and greet their daddy. It's a totally foreign behavior to me because I tend to lean towards the philosophy that "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt" (to a degree). Now this dirt can hurt. They seem to like the responsibility of helping to care for Daddy so far. I've tried to explain his illness as simply as possible and they seem to understand so far. I praise the Lord for that.
I will miss most of his infusion days and I'm not totally comfortable with that situation, but I can't afford to miss a month or more of work. There's a little of the same emotional struggle I had when he was in the hospital and I knew I had to trust others to care for my children while I cared for my husband. At least this time he gets to come home every day and I get to be the one to ensure he gets the best care, plus his mom is nearby and can be there for him when I can't. That helps me feel a little bit better.
I see God at work all around us in the ways many are stepping in to care for us and provide. I see Him in the good care we are receiving at the hospital (aside from Friday's chaos). I sense Him in my own calm mindset and my children's easy-going acceptance of the changes in their lives.
I am teaching my children a new routine. As soon as they step in the door I give them hand sanitizer, they take off their shoes and carry them by hand to the closet to put them away. Then they change their clothes from the day and put on clean clothes. Then they can potty and wash their hands and greet their daddy. It's a totally foreign behavior to me because I tend to lean towards the philosophy that "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt" (to a degree). Now this dirt can hurt. They seem to like the responsibility of helping to care for Daddy so far. I've tried to explain his illness as simply as possible and they seem to understand so far. I praise the Lord for that.
Friday, September 23, 2011
No mo' Whammy!
I feel like a bucket of bricks got dumped on me. Today was a horrible, no good day. :(
I did survive it though and I'm thankful for an understanding boss and co-workers who are willing to step in for me. I'm also thankful for family who came and helped out. It was a day full of mixed up medical orders, insurance complications, general delays, and a lot of time spent chasing down information and assistance. I never thought I'd be one of those people walking in to a clinic and pleading for help from someone immediately (the pharmacy was closing for the weekend, our doctor wasn't in, etc.)!
On the plus side, I did sneak in the first two chapters of Job. He went through so much more than I'm going through, I thought perhaps I could glean some good- tips from him. I did. Chapter 1, verse 1 "that man was blameless and upright, and one who feared God and shunned evil." verse 3 "this man was the greatest of all the people of the East." (in possessions and wealth)
Satan argues to God that Job has no reason not to follow the Lord because the Lord has blessed him, so the Lord allows Satan power over all Job has. (verses 9-12) Job's 10 children and all but 3 servants are killed, and all his livestock are taken away. Immediately after receiving this news: verse 20 "Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and WORSHIPED" saying "the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." (verse 21).
Then in Chapter 2, Satan returns to the Lord and the Lord points out to Satan his faithful servant job who was afflicted "WITHOUT CAUSE". (verse 3) Satan then argues that any man will give up his possessions to save his own life, so the Lord puts Job in Satan's hand, but requires he does not kill Job. (verses 4-6)
Job is then stricken with boils all over his body. His 3 friends come to comfort him, but "did not recognize him" (verses 7-12). His friends sat with him for 7 days and 7 nights without saying a word because they saw that "his grief was very great".
I learned that when trials hit Job, he still worshipped God and he did not blame God. He did not do anything to bring his pain upon himself. He was so hurt that his friends did not recognize him and did not speak to him for seven days and nights because of his grief. It is okay to grieve. Bad things happen to good people and we can still worship and praise the Lord through it all.
I did survive it though and I'm thankful for an understanding boss and co-workers who are willing to step in for me. I'm also thankful for family who came and helped out. It was a day full of mixed up medical orders, insurance complications, general delays, and a lot of time spent chasing down information and assistance. I never thought I'd be one of those people walking in to a clinic and pleading for help from someone immediately (the pharmacy was closing for the weekend, our doctor wasn't in, etc.)!
On the plus side, I did sneak in the first two chapters of Job. He went through so much more than I'm going through, I thought perhaps I could glean some good- tips from him. I did. Chapter 1, verse 1 "that man was blameless and upright, and one who feared God and shunned evil." verse 3 "this man was the greatest of all the people of the East." (in possessions and wealth)
Satan argues to God that Job has no reason not to follow the Lord because the Lord has blessed him, so the Lord allows Satan power over all Job has. (verses 9-12) Job's 10 children and all but 3 servants are killed, and all his livestock are taken away. Immediately after receiving this news: verse 20 "Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and WORSHIPED" saying "the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." (verse 21).
Then in Chapter 2, Satan returns to the Lord and the Lord points out to Satan his faithful servant job who was afflicted "WITHOUT CAUSE". (verse 3) Satan then argues that any man will give up his possessions to save his own life, so the Lord puts Job in Satan's hand, but requires he does not kill Job. (verses 4-6)
Job is then stricken with boils all over his body. His 3 friends come to comfort him, but "did not recognize him" (verses 7-12). His friends sat with him for 7 days and 7 nights without saying a word because they saw that "his grief was very great".
I learned that when trials hit Job, he still worshipped God and he did not blame God. He did not do anything to bring his pain upon himself. He was so hurt that his friends did not recognize him and did not speak to him for seven days and nights because of his grief. It is okay to grieve. Bad things happen to good people and we can still worship and praise the Lord through it all.
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