It has been over a month and the spiritual struggle continues. I'm beginning to delve a little deeper into the Word and while I have enjoyed this recent beginning, discouragement is still a constant companion it seems. I have ups and downs, but the joy isn't present right now. I am also still struggling with the physical fatigue. People tell me I look tired. I am. I made a doctor appointment for tomorrow. I don't know what to expect other than hopefully an informative conversation and probably some tests. There are times my body feels as if I just got up too quickly, but I haven't made any sudden movements. My guess is something about my diet (I don't eat enough fruits and veggies) is at least partially to blame. It could also be something on the spiritual side of things.
The child I have been working with has shown so much improvement and successfully been able to participate in normal activities. The boundaries I've put into place haven't healed the hurts, but they have motivated this child to make positive choices when it comes to behavior in the classroom. A step in the right direction. Hopefully when the school year starts, it will be a fresh start.
My husband is improving. We enjoyed a nice date night and actually stayed at a hoity-toity hotel for a night out...next time we'll hit a Best Western or something more practical. :0) There wasn't much to do that didn't cost an arm and a leg...no swimming pool and no continental breakfast. It was a very comfortable room and it was nice to not have to worry about the children or the dog for a night. We went to bed early and slept in too...very relaxing!
I have a really awesome study bible my parents got me a few years ago. It explains how to study the bible and I have read through part of that article and am getting into 1st Timothy right now. Timothy was a young leader, the two books are how to live the Christian life and I figure that is probably a good starting point for me to seek the Lord. He has been faithful and provided for me, He hasn't left me. I miss the joy, in my first few months of my new job I was constantly rejoicing in the ways He was working. He is still working and doing good things, but I feel less in tune with Him. God's word says to not grow weary in doing good...I'm afraid that is the path I am on. I am fighting the good fight and growing weary. Not weary of doing good, but weary of the constant barrage of struggles. Weary of people issues, weary of the responsibility on my shoulders, and physically weary. I'm praying for a full refreshing -ASAP!
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
Update - life's challenges
Not sure where to start, but I feel like writing tonight. I am still struggling with fatigue and beginning to wonder if it is more than just stress and perhaps related to my eating habits or if I could be anemic...I'll wait to see if it improves when the stress decreases.
We got a new child at work recently who has lived through some serious abuse. I have spent more time and energy with this family than any other family in our program. I even considered telling the family that we weren't able to meet the needs this child required...but something tugs at my heart and tells me that if we can go the extra mile and break through the walls and the hurt this child has, perhaps he might have a chance at a decent future. I had to demand some strict boundaries and figure out how to keep one step ahead of the verbal expression that displays the severity of the hurt inside, but in the last week I have seen a huge improvement and I am very hopeful for the future! Please help me continue to pray for this child, for protection spiritually and for continued growth. Sometimes I feel as though I have bit off more than I can chew.
My hubby's job is changing with a title change and new boss. He's really excited about it, but struggling with the fact that his duties are increasing faster than they are giving away his old duties. He's also been going through a lot of back pain since the fourth of July where he spent the day traveling and sitting in a lawn chair. It's frustrating for both of us, but he is slowly improving. I've been stopping my own agenda more often to play with my children when they ask, it is hard, but so worth it!
Life is just so full and I don't know the answers. I feel like I'm just fumbling along hoping I have made good choices. My job does get in the way of time with my kids, they don't like it and neither do I...it is one of the downfalls of working in the same place they go to school. I can't always take breaks with them, even if I want to or planned to. I've been still struggling spiritually to find my way. The past two week's sermons were about being a leader and the different types of attacks that come along and ways to overcome. They are so close to what I am living right now, that while I enjoy the sermons, they can also be a little discouraging too.
We got a new child at work recently who has lived through some serious abuse. I have spent more time and energy with this family than any other family in our program. I even considered telling the family that we weren't able to meet the needs this child required...but something tugs at my heart and tells me that if we can go the extra mile and break through the walls and the hurt this child has, perhaps he might have a chance at a decent future. I had to demand some strict boundaries and figure out how to keep one step ahead of the verbal expression that displays the severity of the hurt inside, but in the last week I have seen a huge improvement and I am very hopeful for the future! Please help me continue to pray for this child, for protection spiritually and for continued growth. Sometimes I feel as though I have bit off more than I can chew.
My hubby's job is changing with a title change and new boss. He's really excited about it, but struggling with the fact that his duties are increasing faster than they are giving away his old duties. He's also been going through a lot of back pain since the fourth of July where he spent the day traveling and sitting in a lawn chair. It's frustrating for both of us, but he is slowly improving. I've been stopping my own agenda more often to play with my children when they ask, it is hard, but so worth it!
Life is just so full and I don't know the answers. I feel like I'm just fumbling along hoping I have made good choices. My job does get in the way of time with my kids, they don't like it and neither do I...it is one of the downfalls of working in the same place they go to school. I can't always take breaks with them, even if I want to or planned to. I've been still struggling spiritually to find my way. The past two week's sermons were about being a leader and the different types of attacks that come along and ways to overcome. They are so close to what I am living right now, that while I enjoy the sermons, they can also be a little discouraging too.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Tired struggle
Lately I have been tired. I think my body is still figuring out how to cope with changing shifts at work. I get up earlier, but I haven't adjusted my bedtime properly yet. I've also been more physically sore...getting a little older and out of shape muscles mainly.
Spiritually I feel like I'm going through some sort of change, but it is hard to figure it out. I recognized the normal oppression I get after a spiritual high -a few weeks ago was our staff in-service where God totally took it over. It was so awesome and now I'm dealing with the slump afterwards. I haven't figured out how to overcome it yet. I want to be on fire in seeking the Lord, but it is a struggle to keep with my normal bible reading time and prayer time. It almost feels as if there is a distance between me and God, even though I know that isn't a truth. Emotionally I have a lack of interest that I can't really explain and isn't based on anything I can put my finger on aside from simple spiritual attack.
Of course I am also writing at a time of the day when I'm more in tune to the melancholy side of myself, and not getting the rest I need is probably also a factor. (I'm up late tonight because I snuggled with my kids at their bedtime and fell asleep too.) Another vacation would be nice. Just to get away from the stresses of life. Nothing particularly stressful is going on aside from the stresses of my job...but even those are ones that come with the job.
I still feel so inadequate as a leader. I know God is using the fact that I am inexperienced to be able to work through me, but it isn't easy to try and figure out how to simply follow His will and let Him work. Everyday there are things that come up that just boggle my mind. People are my biggest stressors because that is the area I have always struggled with. I seem to be doing a good job as far as the business clients, but my staff is a whole different issue. I've been told that with any leadership change, there are problems that come up because the staff is learning where they fit in and what new boundaries are out there. We've had plenty of struggles with assumptions, selfishness and laziness, and bad attitudes. Through all of these little struggles, I am being stretched in my personality. It seems all of the areas that my personality is weak are the areas that I am having to navigate. It is hard to know the proper way to respond because they need to be held accountable and also corrected in a godly manner, and yet loved at the same time. It sounds similar to having children, but it really isn't. I know kids. Adults -that's a whole other story!
Spiritually I feel like I'm going through some sort of change, but it is hard to figure it out. I recognized the normal oppression I get after a spiritual high -a few weeks ago was our staff in-service where God totally took it over. It was so awesome and now I'm dealing with the slump afterwards. I haven't figured out how to overcome it yet. I want to be on fire in seeking the Lord, but it is a struggle to keep with my normal bible reading time and prayer time. It almost feels as if there is a distance between me and God, even though I know that isn't a truth. Emotionally I have a lack of interest that I can't really explain and isn't based on anything I can put my finger on aside from simple spiritual attack.
Of course I am also writing at a time of the day when I'm more in tune to the melancholy side of myself, and not getting the rest I need is probably also a factor. (I'm up late tonight because I snuggled with my kids at their bedtime and fell asleep too.) Another vacation would be nice. Just to get away from the stresses of life. Nothing particularly stressful is going on aside from the stresses of my job...but even those are ones that come with the job.
I still feel so inadequate as a leader. I know God is using the fact that I am inexperienced to be able to work through me, but it isn't easy to try and figure out how to simply follow His will and let Him work. Everyday there are things that come up that just boggle my mind. People are my biggest stressors because that is the area I have always struggled with. I seem to be doing a good job as far as the business clients, but my staff is a whole different issue. I've been told that with any leadership change, there are problems that come up because the staff is learning where they fit in and what new boundaries are out there. We've had plenty of struggles with assumptions, selfishness and laziness, and bad attitudes. Through all of these little struggles, I am being stretched in my personality. It seems all of the areas that my personality is weak are the areas that I am having to navigate. It is hard to know the proper way to respond because they need to be held accountable and also corrected in a godly manner, and yet loved at the same time. It sounds similar to having children, but it really isn't. I know kids. Adults -that's a whole other story!
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