Today I'm praying for many things. What are some things you are praying for?
I'm praying that my decisions will align with God's will.
I'm praying that my words and actions will not stem from a negative attitude, but a honest and humble heart.
I'm praying that I will do better in putting God first.
I'm praying for God's direction in my life.
I'm praying for balance and peace.
I'm praying for God to do His work in those around me as He works in me.
Maybe some of your heart's cries are similar to mine.
Father God,
I ask you today to surround your precious child with your love and peace. Humble our hearts and reveal yourself to us. I pray for protection as we face the trials of this world and battle our flesh. Forgive us of our failures, enable us to be one in you.
In Jesus Name, Amen
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Finding Myself
Sometimes we get caught up in surviving life, that we forget to live it.
Recently I've been pulling back from life's obligations and the pressures of trying to do everything just right.
I reached a place where I couldn't do it anymore and I felt like I was failing. Overwhelmed with responsibility, in part due to life circumstances and also in large part to the internal obligations I put on myself trying to be the best mom, wife, homemaker, and employer I could be. I was burning out fast. I had to take a break. So this is what I did:
*Tried to maintain a balance, I didn't just fly off the deep end and withdraw from all my responsibilities, but I definitely scaled back big time.
*I pushed back the mental obligations and seek out God's direction.
1. I re-discovered myself by taking time for me. I sought out ways that helped me relax, and things that brought a sense of fulfillment. I bought myself a new book to read, I watched the television series that captivated my imagination and interests. I deleted a good majority of apps on my phone. I didn't spend near as much time wasted on Facebook.
2. I took time out to read my bible when it worked for me. I read a passage when I stopped to change out of my work clothes and into my comfy clothes. I would jot down a few thoughts or questions for God in my journal instead of filling time by playing a meaningless game on my phone or computer.
3. I considered which things were actually worth my time? Housework, of course, but I sought out a more effective time and way of doing it that fulfills me instead of draining me. I considered what level of "mess" I was willing to live in, and worked from there. I want a relationship with my children, that requires time and effort. I had to think about how I wanted to go about building that relationship.
4. I contemplated which parts of my life were most important to me? How did I want them to be, and what kind of time/effort would that require I put into it? Was I willing to make the effort? I was burned out being mom and homemaker, but that didn't mean that I didn't want to be mom and homemaker anymore. I needed to find what parts of those roles were important to me and what efforts I needed to change to meet my priorities. I'm also learning that I need to make changes in how I fulfill my job duties at work so I am not drained at home.
It's been very freeing and allowed me to discover a renewed sense of who I am and how I fit into the world I live in with the family God has given me.
My husband and I have had some great heart-to-heart discussions about our goals, our future, and what realistic limits and dreams we have. All of our dreams include the phrase, "let's work towards this, and see what doors God opens..."
Recently I've been pulling back from life's obligations and the pressures of trying to do everything just right.
I reached a place where I couldn't do it anymore and I felt like I was failing. Overwhelmed with responsibility, in part due to life circumstances and also in large part to the internal obligations I put on myself trying to be the best mom, wife, homemaker, and employer I could be. I was burning out fast. I had to take a break. So this is what I did:
*Tried to maintain a balance, I didn't just fly off the deep end and withdraw from all my responsibilities, but I definitely scaled back big time.
*I pushed back the mental obligations and seek out God's direction.
1. I re-discovered myself by taking time for me. I sought out ways that helped me relax, and things that brought a sense of fulfillment. I bought myself a new book to read, I watched the television series that captivated my imagination and interests. I deleted a good majority of apps on my phone. I didn't spend near as much time wasted on Facebook.
2. I took time out to read my bible when it worked for me. I read a passage when I stopped to change out of my work clothes and into my comfy clothes. I would jot down a few thoughts or questions for God in my journal instead of filling time by playing a meaningless game on my phone or computer.
3. I considered which things were actually worth my time? Housework, of course, but I sought out a more effective time and way of doing it that fulfills me instead of draining me. I considered what level of "mess" I was willing to live in, and worked from there. I want a relationship with my children, that requires time and effort. I had to think about how I wanted to go about building that relationship.
4. I contemplated which parts of my life were most important to me? How did I want them to be, and what kind of time/effort would that require I put into it? Was I willing to make the effort? I was burned out being mom and homemaker, but that didn't mean that I didn't want to be mom and homemaker anymore. I needed to find what parts of those roles were important to me and what efforts I needed to change to meet my priorities. I'm also learning that I need to make changes in how I fulfill my job duties at work so I am not drained at home.
It's been very freeing and allowed me to discover a renewed sense of who I am and how I fit into the world I live in with the family God has given me.
My husband and I have had some great heart-to-heart discussions about our goals, our future, and what realistic limits and dreams we have. All of our dreams include the phrase, "let's work towards this, and see what doors God opens..."
Friday, October 17, 2014
Taking a Step Back
Sometimes it is good to take a step back. To let go and leave it be for a bit.
That's kind of where I am with this blog. I'm tired of the psycho-analyzing and the mental games I put myself through. This journey in my faith has many ups and downs. Christianity is easy, but not simple. I'm taking time to be me. To find what I enjoy. To try and get my priorities on track.
I don't know what that means for this blog. It may mean I let it go for a while. Maybe I'll go in a new direction. I'm not sure. I'm not interested in exploring what makes me operate, I am who I am, faults and all. God seems to have me in a really special place where I am. He's using me how I am. I'm learning new things all the time and I am growing. I'm content to just 'be' right now.
I started this blog to figure out how to live in faith during the biggest trial of my life. I learned along the way, but I've also discovered that no matter how you tell someone a lesson you yourself have learned...they have to learn it themselves in their own way. At least that's how it works for me. I can follow advice, but until I learn it in my own experiences, it never hits home.
That's kind of where I am with this blog. I'm tired of the psycho-analyzing and the mental games I put myself through. This journey in my faith has many ups and downs. Christianity is easy, but not simple. I'm taking time to be me. To find what I enjoy. To try and get my priorities on track.
I don't know what that means for this blog. It may mean I let it go for a while. Maybe I'll go in a new direction. I'm not sure. I'm not interested in exploring what makes me operate, I am who I am, faults and all. God seems to have me in a really special place where I am. He's using me how I am. I'm learning new things all the time and I am growing. I'm content to just 'be' right now.
I started this blog to figure out how to live in faith during the biggest trial of my life. I learned along the way, but I've also discovered that no matter how you tell someone a lesson you yourself have learned...they have to learn it themselves in their own way. At least that's how it works for me. I can follow advice, but until I learn it in my own experiences, it never hits home.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
The Important Things
Discouragement is an effective tool. At least against me anyway.
Losing hope is no fun. Finding it again is better.
I had my priorities all mixed up.
My Life's Priorities:
God
Husband
Children
Me
Home
Church
...and then work, way down at the bottom!
My job is simply a job. The means to an end. The means to enabling me to be home with my family more than any other job I might take on. I spent a lot of time searching out options. Ultimately, I could get another job that would even pay similar wages without the responsibilities I bear now. But the exchange would be less time at home with my family, something I'm not willing to give up.
Recognizing what my priorities are helped to change my perspective and while I'm still muddling through, I'm not as lost.
Losing hope is no fun. Finding it again is better.
I had my priorities all mixed up.
My Life's Priorities:
God
Husband
Children
Me
Home
Church
...and then work, way down at the bottom!
My job is simply a job. The means to an end. The means to enabling me to be home with my family more than any other job I might take on. I spent a lot of time searching out options. Ultimately, I could get another job that would even pay similar wages without the responsibilities I bear now. But the exchange would be less time at home with my family, something I'm not willing to give up.
Recognizing what my priorities are helped to change my perspective and while I'm still muddling through, I'm not as lost.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Confusing
Self-discovery is the name of the game. I'm not sure I still agree with my previous assessment of myself. Hmmm...reading that sentence is ironic and makes me laugh. Trying to analyze my life and my faith journey may not be the best thing to be doing -only God truly knows what is actually going on.
I'm ready for a change in my life. I don't know what that change is, but I am ready to move forward and not be stuck in this endless roller coaster. I am not a person who gets angry, but I did. I'm not a person who speaks from emotion because I know my emotions can be deceptive. Somehow I have gotten to this place where I don't even recognize myself in my own behavior.
The question remains -and only time will tell- what change is going to happen and when?
I'm ready for a change in my life. I don't know what that change is, but I am ready to move forward and not be stuck in this endless roller coaster. I am not a person who gets angry, but I did. I'm not a person who speaks from emotion because I know my emotions can be deceptive. Somehow I have gotten to this place where I don't even recognize myself in my own behavior.
The question remains -and only time will tell- what change is going to happen and when?
Saturday, August 30, 2014
The HEART of the Matter
As I have repented and mulled over my outburst of anger I am learning about myself and discovering more of who I am versus who I portray myself as. James chapter 3 speaks of controlling the tongue and the difference between worldly wisdom and godly wisdom.
My typical behavior often portrays godly wisdom traits. Selfish ambition and bitter envy are not things I recognize in myself, but I think they are subtly in my personality in their own ways. Often the person I portray myself to be has very selfish or bitter thoughts. I just don't express them outwardly. Realizing this means that yes, I can be passive-aggressive. More than that, I'm understanding more of what it means when the bible says that God looks at the heart. Even if I'm behaving in a godly manner, God knows my heart and my true attitude about a situation. I want my heart attitude to match my behavior, and I don't want it to be in a selfish or bitter way!
My typical behavior often portrays godly wisdom traits. Selfish ambition and bitter envy are not things I recognize in myself, but I think they are subtly in my personality in their own ways. Often the person I portray myself to be has very selfish or bitter thoughts. I just don't express them outwardly. Realizing this means that yes, I can be passive-aggressive. More than that, I'm understanding more of what it means when the bible says that God looks at the heart. Even if I'm behaving in a godly manner, God knows my heart and my true attitude about a situation. I want my heart attitude to match my behavior, and I don't want it to be in a selfish or bitter way!
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Anger
Anger got the best of me. Circumstances pushed all the right buttons and I am learning I am capable of some very strong anger.
I have always avoided conflict; flown under the radar; stayed in the safe-zone. My job has put me front and center. The person I've always presented myself as, is changing. I am not sure how I feel about it.
In my job there are few policies. Decisions are simply made and rules have always been treated as guidelines. I have spent the past two years putting policies into place and enforcing rules...not to be rigid and controlling, but to bring into place accountability and consistency. I watched my predecessor say yes to one employee and then no to another simply based on the emotion of the day rather than having a policy that outlined a consistent answer for all employees.
My new boundaries were tested. A couple people have gone to my supervisor rather than to me and I got angry. Very angry. So angry that I expressed it to them. I have lost my cool with an adult for the first time in my life and I have damaged a previously good working relationship. We talked it through and can work professionally, but the relationship that was once there is no more. There was no admission of wrong doing on either side, so the silent agreement to disagree and move on is what is left.
I dislike this feeling. I dislike that the relationship was damaged. I could apologize, but only for allowing my anger to come out in my words. I am not sorry for what was said, just how I said it. If I would have waited to respond it could have been said in a less aggressive way.
I have always avoided conflict; flown under the radar; stayed in the safe-zone. My job has put me front and center. The person I've always presented myself as, is changing. I am not sure how I feel about it.
In my job there are few policies. Decisions are simply made and rules have always been treated as guidelines. I have spent the past two years putting policies into place and enforcing rules...not to be rigid and controlling, but to bring into place accountability and consistency. I watched my predecessor say yes to one employee and then no to another simply based on the emotion of the day rather than having a policy that outlined a consistent answer for all employees.
My new boundaries were tested. A couple people have gone to my supervisor rather than to me and I got angry. Very angry. So angry that I expressed it to them. I have lost my cool with an adult for the first time in my life and I have damaged a previously good working relationship. We talked it through and can work professionally, but the relationship that was once there is no more. There was no admission of wrong doing on either side, so the silent agreement to disagree and move on is what is left.
I dislike this feeling. I dislike that the relationship was damaged. I could apologize, but only for allowing my anger to come out in my words. I am not sorry for what was said, just how I said it. If I would have waited to respond it could have been said in a less aggressive way.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Putting God First
It's been a slower process than it probably should have been. I am still figuring out how to make time for God. He doesn't want to be my last minute -let's squeeze in a few minutes before bedtime- relationship.
My pastor is known for saying, "If God is telling you to do something -do it!" Obey immediately, don't wait, don't delay. The sooner you step into God's will, the better for you.
I have delayed, but God is still lovingly guiding me and reminding me of His desires for me to know Him more. Friday night was a meeting at work and afterwards I hesitantly told God I was going to start making those changes to make Him first.
I didn't commit to making time verbally because I was afraid I would fail. But Saturday I was determined to create my space for Him again. I had allowed my secretary desk space to become cluttered with papers from my kids, hair things, and piles of not-quite dirty clothes I might wear one more time before washing. I am proud to say I did clear that space up. I didn't make time to be with God and once again fit Him in just before bed. My prayer is that I will determine to make time each day where I can be still before the Lord. I know He is also committed to me and will lead me in making time in the best way.
I realized one of my fears that had delayed me from obeying God, was that I wasn't sure what part of my day to sacrifice for time with Him. I was afraid whatever part of my day I cleared for Him would be the wrong part so I didn't clear any part. Foolish, yes. I live and learn -often the hard way!
My pastor is known for saying, "If God is telling you to do something -do it!" Obey immediately, don't wait, don't delay. The sooner you step into God's will, the better for you.
I have delayed, but God is still lovingly guiding me and reminding me of His desires for me to know Him more. Friday night was a meeting at work and afterwards I hesitantly told God I was going to start making those changes to make Him first.
I didn't commit to making time verbally because I was afraid I would fail. But Saturday I was determined to create my space for Him again. I had allowed my secretary desk space to become cluttered with papers from my kids, hair things, and piles of not-quite dirty clothes I might wear one more time before washing. I am proud to say I did clear that space up. I didn't make time to be with God and once again fit Him in just before bed. My prayer is that I will determine to make time each day where I can be still before the Lord. I know He is also committed to me and will lead me in making time in the best way.
I realized one of my fears that had delayed me from obeying God, was that I wasn't sure what part of my day to sacrifice for time with Him. I was afraid whatever part of my day I cleared for Him would be the wrong part so I didn't clear any part. Foolish, yes. I live and learn -often the hard way!
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Midnight Rambles
You'd think I'd be sleepy at this hour, but no. Wide awake and my mind traversing the events of my week....I wish it had a shut-off switch sometimes!
I watched Hunger Games for the first time tonight. It was an interesting movie. After all the hype and reviews I've heard, it wasn't the action film or romance I'd imagined it would be. I do like the character of Katniss. The story line was a little bit on the predictable line, but of all of it, I think the wacky costumes was what surprised me the most. A little like Willy Wonka's oompa loompas or the recent Alice and Wonderland. Not the awesome movie I expected, but not a dud either. A good movie overall for what it is...maybe if I had read the book I'd think otherwise.
I've begun just reading my small bible at various times throughout the day and most often at night before bed. I like that it is easy to carry and hold. My study bible is nice when sitting at the desk and when I'm looking for more background or insight into parts of the bible.
Coming back from vacation to work was hard. I didn't want to go back to work just yet. It was so nice to focus just on family for a change. I got a text the day I got back about something that wasn't necessary to discuss until working hours. I ignored it, but it immediately brought back the annoyance of other people relying on me to solve their problems. It comes with the job, but I have some particularly needy employees who don't realize there are boundaries between work and personal time for me. I have to constantly keep those boundaries built up or work can be overwhelming. Maybe I should look into getting a phone just for work instead of using one phone for both work and home...hmm. I'll have to think on that one.
I like my job overall. It can be so overwhelming and discouraging, but it is also very rewarding. I still don't usually feel like I know what I'm doing yet. I'm also unsure if I'll ever reach a point where I feel caught up or that the duties I have can be accomplished by just one person.
On vacation I came to a big realization. Time is going by and my children are getting older. Yes, that's a duh statement, but it really hit home. During the long hours of driving on the road, my hubby and I discussed what our 'bucket list' was for our children. In the 10-15 years we have left with them at home, what did we want for them -for our family? We only have so much money each year to spend on special events or home improvements or sports, etc. We discussed what things were most important to us and made loose plans as to when we wanted to accomplish some things. We also discussed how we wanted to be involved with our children's development as they grow. It was a bittersweet conversation and realization. We want to make the most of the time we have with our kids before they grow up and leave home.
I watched Hunger Games for the first time tonight. It was an interesting movie. After all the hype and reviews I've heard, it wasn't the action film or romance I'd imagined it would be. I do like the character of Katniss. The story line was a little bit on the predictable line, but of all of it, I think the wacky costumes was what surprised me the most. A little like Willy Wonka's oompa loompas or the recent Alice and Wonderland. Not the awesome movie I expected, but not a dud either. A good movie overall for what it is...maybe if I had read the book I'd think otherwise.
I've begun just reading my small bible at various times throughout the day and most often at night before bed. I like that it is easy to carry and hold. My study bible is nice when sitting at the desk and when I'm looking for more background or insight into parts of the bible.
Coming back from vacation to work was hard. I didn't want to go back to work just yet. It was so nice to focus just on family for a change. I got a text the day I got back about something that wasn't necessary to discuss until working hours. I ignored it, but it immediately brought back the annoyance of other people relying on me to solve their problems. It comes with the job, but I have some particularly needy employees who don't realize there are boundaries between work and personal time for me. I have to constantly keep those boundaries built up or work can be overwhelming. Maybe I should look into getting a phone just for work instead of using one phone for both work and home...hmm. I'll have to think on that one.
I like my job overall. It can be so overwhelming and discouraging, but it is also very rewarding. I still don't usually feel like I know what I'm doing yet. I'm also unsure if I'll ever reach a point where I feel caught up or that the duties I have can be accomplished by just one person.
On vacation I came to a big realization. Time is going by and my children are getting older. Yes, that's a duh statement, but it really hit home. During the long hours of driving on the road, my hubby and I discussed what our 'bucket list' was for our children. In the 10-15 years we have left with them at home, what did we want for them -for our family? We only have so much money each year to spend on special events or home improvements or sports, etc. We discussed what things were most important to us and made loose plans as to when we wanted to accomplish some things. We also discussed how we wanted to be involved with our children's development as they grow. It was a bittersweet conversation and realization. We want to make the most of the time we have with our kids before they grow up and leave home.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Traveling my own Journey
The past several weeks have been quiet ones for me. I think I could describe it as a period of time where I lived Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." I didn't spend time reading my bible or specifically praying. I simply prayed from my heart in the quiet and still moments of my day, not something I purposed to do, but how it happened. Reading my bible and writing my prayer journal just didn't feel appropriate somehow -even though saying that doesn't seem like it should fit in to a place that God is working.
I lived in a quiet peace of mind. Question at times. Wondering. Waiting for some sort of answer to my lack of direction.
And after a couple weeks, He began revealing something to me. Something I've long fought Him on. Putting Him first in my life. I much prefer my God to be a god who lovingly blesses me, but doesn't demand much from me other than reverence. Then He redefined obedience...and really gave my little brain a thought to ponder!
He told me that I was not being obedient in the command to put Him first. Then He told me what He meant by that. I listened to a few sermons on the radio about obedience, about putting Him first, about what it means to live faithfully. All these little nuggets carried the same themes. I asked God to reveal more. Later that week I felt compelled to seek God in the Word. So I shrugged to myself and decided to obey even though I didn't know what, if anything it would do for me. I went to my Strong's concordance and looked up obedience. There were columns of verses containing the words: obey, obedient, and obedience. I stuck to my original word because it had the shortest list of verses and was the one I felt God was pushing at me. Here are some of the nuggets of truth He showed me:
1. Obedience comes from Faith.
Obedience isn't something I have to have perfected, it is perfected in faith.
2. The righteous will live by Faith.
Faith in Jesus Christ makes me one of God's righteous -not that I am righteous in my own right, but that Jesus's blood payment for my sins covers the sin God might see and when He looks upon me, He sees the perfection of His Son, Jesus.
3. Other godly men have Obeyed God's commands in order to Seek Him.
A new concept to me...seeking God through obedience to Him. Hmmm...
NIV - emphasis mine:
Romans 1:5 "Through Him we received grace and apostleship to call all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith for His name's sake."
Romans 1:17 "For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed -a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: 'The righteous will live by faith.'"
HCSB - emphasis mine:
2 Chronicles 31:21 "He [Hezekiah] was diligent in every deed that he began in the service of God's temple, in the instruction and the commands, in order to seek his God, and he prospered."
The last little nugget that tied all of the pieces of information together came a few days later when I decided to read more about Hezekiah and the context of the 31st chapter in 2nd Chronicles. The title of the chapter in my bible was "Removal of Idolatry". Idolatry is putting anything before God, and since I have not fully placed God first in my life, I have idols, not little wooden figures I worship, but other things in my life I have allowed to be more important than God. Now it is a matter of discovering those idols and looking to God for direction in making the changes that need to be made. It's weird to be so peaceful as I am learning new things. My biggest prayer is that I will learn this lesson without having to learn it the hard way.
I lived in a quiet peace of mind. Question at times. Wondering. Waiting for some sort of answer to my lack of direction.
And after a couple weeks, He began revealing something to me. Something I've long fought Him on. Putting Him first in my life. I much prefer my God to be a god who lovingly blesses me, but doesn't demand much from me other than reverence. Then He redefined obedience...and really gave my little brain a thought to ponder!
He told me that I was not being obedient in the command to put Him first. Then He told me what He meant by that. I listened to a few sermons on the radio about obedience, about putting Him first, about what it means to live faithfully. All these little nuggets carried the same themes. I asked God to reveal more. Later that week I felt compelled to seek God in the Word. So I shrugged to myself and decided to obey even though I didn't know what, if anything it would do for me. I went to my Strong's concordance and looked up obedience. There were columns of verses containing the words: obey, obedient, and obedience. I stuck to my original word because it had the shortest list of verses and was the one I felt God was pushing at me. Here are some of the nuggets of truth He showed me:
1. Obedience comes from Faith.
Obedience isn't something I have to have perfected, it is perfected in faith.
2. The righteous will live by Faith.
Faith in Jesus Christ makes me one of God's righteous -not that I am righteous in my own right, but that Jesus's blood payment for my sins covers the sin God might see and when He looks upon me, He sees the perfection of His Son, Jesus.
3. Other godly men have Obeyed God's commands in order to Seek Him.
A new concept to me...seeking God through obedience to Him. Hmmm...
NIV - emphasis mine:
Romans 1:5 "Through Him we received grace and apostleship to call all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith for His name's sake."
Romans 1:17 "For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed -a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: 'The righteous will live by faith.'"
HCSB - emphasis mine:
2 Chronicles 31:21 "He [Hezekiah] was diligent in every deed that he began in the service of God's temple, in the instruction and the commands, in order to seek his God, and he prospered."
The last little nugget that tied all of the pieces of information together came a few days later when I decided to read more about Hezekiah and the context of the 31st chapter in 2nd Chronicles. The title of the chapter in my bible was "Removal of Idolatry". Idolatry is putting anything before God, and since I have not fully placed God first in my life, I have idols, not little wooden figures I worship, but other things in my life I have allowed to be more important than God. Now it is a matter of discovering those idols and looking to God for direction in making the changes that need to be made. It's weird to be so peaceful as I am learning new things. My biggest prayer is that I will learn this lesson without having to learn it the hard way.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
2.5 Years Cancer Free!
Today was my hubby's 2-1/2 year appointment with chest x-ray and blood work. Everything looks normal and good. :0) The doctor said that recurrence is most common before 2 years, but we'll stay on the 6-month check up routine for a while with CT scans alternating with chest x-rays. It's interesting to hear the doctor's opinions.
We alternate between seeing the surgeon vs. the oncologist. They are on a similar thought process, but still have their own opinions of the best plan for care. (in case you notice a slight difference in what is said by the doctors at each visit I blog about)
I thought it was interesting today as I drove to the hospital for our appointment. They have a sign on the corner with arrows pointing to the different directions to go for the many different clinics they have. I casually noted the letters detailing the "Cancer Pavilion" and realized how strange it is to be so casual about having an appointment in the Cancer center.
We also met a new Fellow today who is working with our doctor for his final year before becoming a doctor himself. He mentioned that all of the people in the clinic know my husband by first name. They simply call out to each other, "____'s here!" I thought it was neat. There have been some changes over the years, but those who have been there know him well. The Fellow said that only happens with a long-term patient or someone who works there. My husband grinned and said, "well, I'm both." He went on to explain how he used to work in the cancer center years ago and now is a long-term patient. They still ask him for help and advice on occasion that is work related. It is nice to have that kind of atmosphere, especially for something as important, yet routine, as cancer care.
We alternate between seeing the surgeon vs. the oncologist. They are on a similar thought process, but still have their own opinions of the best plan for care. (in case you notice a slight difference in what is said by the doctors at each visit I blog about)
I thought it was interesting today as I drove to the hospital for our appointment. They have a sign on the corner with arrows pointing to the different directions to go for the many different clinics they have. I casually noted the letters detailing the "Cancer Pavilion" and realized how strange it is to be so casual about having an appointment in the Cancer center.
We also met a new Fellow today who is working with our doctor for his final year before becoming a doctor himself. He mentioned that all of the people in the clinic know my husband by first name. They simply call out to each other, "____'s here!" I thought it was neat. There have been some changes over the years, but those who have been there know him well. The Fellow said that only happens with a long-term patient or someone who works there. My husband grinned and said, "well, I'm both." He went on to explain how he used to work in the cancer center years ago and now is a long-term patient. They still ask him for help and advice on occasion that is work related. It is nice to have that kind of atmosphere, especially for something as important, yet routine, as cancer care.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Gideon's "Fleece"
My hopeful excitement for the week quickly began failing by the third day. Things I have not dealt with before hit again and I wasn't able to keep my glorious plans, let alone accomplish all that needed to be done in a given day. I had lost my joy in the job. I had no interest in continuing to deal with struggle after struggle. I felt so inadequate.
I decided to see what God's will might be for me. I put out a "fleece" to test what doors were open to me. I applied for a part time teaching job. It was in a church just like my current job, right next to my children's school and the hours I would be working were absolutely perfect. They allowed me time to drop my kids off at school and some time for myself before having to pick them up from school.
The very next day, I was called to schedule an interview. I was excited to imagine being able to leave work at work. I was thrilled to be able to be WITH my children and still be involved in my chosen career field. My excitement lasted all day. The next day, the more I prayed about it and thought about it, while I had nothing concrete to change the great things, I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me "this isn't it" "this isn't where you are meant to be".
I didn't like God telling me no. I tried to push it aside telling Him, "but you haven't even let me try it yet! I don't even know if the pay would be enough or not and you are already telling me no?"
So, I went to the interview, knowing I would learn from the experience and hoping I was hearing God wrong. The interview was awesome! The director loved my qualifications and my personality. She seemed ready to hire me and the pay offered was higher than I had guessed it might be.
And then, God revealed why He had told me no. She asked me what I would bring to the table, what my special skills were. I shared how I have grown so comfortable with sharing the love of God, I speak of the Lord in behavior management, I bring faith into everything I do. She stopped me, and very professionally explained to me that while it was a school supported by the church and a very "Christian" atmosphere, they did not talk about God or Jesus.
I was floored. She continued to explain that it was a very "Christian" environment where all of the teachers and families were kind and loving with "Christian" values, but that religion had no part in their school. On tours, she tells her clients that they will not see a bible, a story book or pictures of God, Jesus, or any other "religious" teaching. My heart sank. The perfect job was not.
We finished the interview and she asked me to think about all we had discussed and she'd contact me the following week to see if I was wanting the position. She was going to consider where she felt I might fit best in her program after speaking to another interviewee (there was two positions available).
All the way home I tried to consider if I could teach children and not teach them about my Lord and Savior. I still wanted the freedom from responsibility and it was so enticing to think of being able to be there for my children. The more I weighed it in my mind, the more I couldn't see myself leaving God out of my career.
The door, while open, was not one for me to walk through. I learned that God really has a calling on my life and I truly have a passion for sharing the gospel with children. The following day, He gave me hope and a renewed fervor for the job I do.
I decided to see what God's will might be for me. I put out a "fleece" to test what doors were open to me. I applied for a part time teaching job. It was in a church just like my current job, right next to my children's school and the hours I would be working were absolutely perfect. They allowed me time to drop my kids off at school and some time for myself before having to pick them up from school.
The very next day, I was called to schedule an interview. I was excited to imagine being able to leave work at work. I was thrilled to be able to be WITH my children and still be involved in my chosen career field. My excitement lasted all day. The next day, the more I prayed about it and thought about it, while I had nothing concrete to change the great things, I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me "this isn't it" "this isn't where you are meant to be".
I didn't like God telling me no. I tried to push it aside telling Him, "but you haven't even let me try it yet! I don't even know if the pay would be enough or not and you are already telling me no?"
So, I went to the interview, knowing I would learn from the experience and hoping I was hearing God wrong. The interview was awesome! The director loved my qualifications and my personality. She seemed ready to hire me and the pay offered was higher than I had guessed it might be.
And then, God revealed why He had told me no. She asked me what I would bring to the table, what my special skills were. I shared how I have grown so comfortable with sharing the love of God, I speak of the Lord in behavior management, I bring faith into everything I do. She stopped me, and very professionally explained to me that while it was a school supported by the church and a very "Christian" atmosphere, they did not talk about God or Jesus.
I was floored. She continued to explain that it was a very "Christian" environment where all of the teachers and families were kind and loving with "Christian" values, but that religion had no part in their school. On tours, she tells her clients that they will not see a bible, a story book or pictures of God, Jesus, or any other "religious" teaching. My heart sank. The perfect job was not.
We finished the interview and she asked me to think about all we had discussed and she'd contact me the following week to see if I was wanting the position. She was going to consider where she felt I might fit best in her program after speaking to another interviewee (there was two positions available).
All the way home I tried to consider if I could teach children and not teach them about my Lord and Savior. I still wanted the freedom from responsibility and it was so enticing to think of being able to be there for my children. The more I weighed it in my mind, the more I couldn't see myself leaving God out of my career.
The door, while open, was not one for me to walk through. I learned that God really has a calling on my life and I truly have a passion for sharing the gospel with children. The following day, He gave me hope and a renewed fervor for the job I do.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Hope Once Again
After weeks of slowly sinking into such a broken place, I am standing upon Hope...not standing bold and tall, but standing in Hope. Trusting in God that He will lead me through.
Fellow Christians are praying for me. In honest prayer I question God, I search for His Truth, I beg Him for answers and rescue. Going off our current bible study, today's sermon was about Trials in our Lives. God uses all of these things to speak to me. He likes to use that still, small voice to speak to me and I apparently still have more to learn about listening for that still, small voice.
The repeated message I am hearing is that I am the spiritual leader of my workplace. Where I lead, it will go. If I do not lead, it will fail. Once upon a time, we had weekly prayer meetings that were mandatory for every employee. With labor laws, that is no longer feasible. Prayer and fellowship times must either be paid for or voluntary. For the past three years or so they have been voluntary and attendance has slipped into the void of neglect and empty chairs.
Today as I listened to the sermon and reflected on things in my life and the people I am responsible for, I felt like God was telling me that I was not doing what needs to be done. I was not bringing Him glory because I was not making the effort to fill my workplace with Worship.
I don't just mean songs of Worship, but Worship by way of honoring God with the choices, actions, thoughts, and words used throughout the day.
It was like a spiritual brainstorm session and I am excited to begin fresh on Monday...even though I still don't know what trials I will face due to a lack of employees to cover all the shifts we have. Somehow that concern is much smaller.
I can't make sense of this call from God as in it relating to more teachers joining our program, but it is what I think God is calling me to do. So I will obey.
Fellow Christians are praying for me. In honest prayer I question God, I search for His Truth, I beg Him for answers and rescue. Going off our current bible study, today's sermon was about Trials in our Lives. God uses all of these things to speak to me. He likes to use that still, small voice to speak to me and I apparently still have more to learn about listening for that still, small voice.
The repeated message I am hearing is that I am the spiritual leader of my workplace. Where I lead, it will go. If I do not lead, it will fail. Once upon a time, we had weekly prayer meetings that were mandatory for every employee. With labor laws, that is no longer feasible. Prayer and fellowship times must either be paid for or voluntary. For the past three years or so they have been voluntary and attendance has slipped into the void of neglect and empty chairs.
Today as I listened to the sermon and reflected on things in my life and the people I am responsible for, I felt like God was telling me that I was not doing what needs to be done. I was not bringing Him glory because I was not making the effort to fill my workplace with Worship.
I don't just mean songs of Worship, but Worship by way of honoring God with the choices, actions, thoughts, and words used throughout the day.
It was like a spiritual brainstorm session and I am excited to begin fresh on Monday...even though I still don't know what trials I will face due to a lack of employees to cover all the shifts we have. Somehow that concern is much smaller.
I can't make sense of this call from God as in it relating to more teachers joining our program, but it is what I think God is calling me to do. So I will obey.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Broken
Broken and spilled out. I am quickly reaching that point. I don't even have words to pray. I know my God is there. I know He hears my silent cries. I am powerless to impact change on my situation. Every day I show up. I do what needs to be done. I put on a positive front. And on the inside I crumble just a little bit more. I watch my professional life falling to pieces around me.
And yet, despite the stress and the incredible brain power it takes to manipulate the day's struggles, He has always provided just enough. I wonder if I am going to suffer the pitiful decline of a light in our city.
We are one of the few Christian programs that truly has the freedom and desire to reach our community in the way we care for its children and their families. It's becoming harder and harder to find teachers who share that true desire to serve the Lord and share their faith. Interview after interview, I find those who call themselves "Christian" and yet they have no clue of the true essence of that name. Many claim that name and don't know the freedom of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. Others have no interest in the Christian faith, but are willing to "support" it. Without people to serve the Lord, this ministry will fail.
Praying for God to do what needs to be done, wherever change needs to happen. I am willing.
And yet, despite the stress and the incredible brain power it takes to manipulate the day's struggles, He has always provided just enough. I wonder if I am going to suffer the pitiful decline of a light in our city.
We are one of the few Christian programs that truly has the freedom and desire to reach our community in the way we care for its children and their families. It's becoming harder and harder to find teachers who share that true desire to serve the Lord and share their faith. Interview after interview, I find those who call themselves "Christian" and yet they have no clue of the true essence of that name. Many claim that name and don't know the freedom of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. Others have no interest in the Christian faith, but are willing to "support" it. Without people to serve the Lord, this ministry will fail.
Praying for God to do what needs to be done, wherever change needs to happen. I am willing.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
In Sickness and In Health
When you say that part of your vows in the wedding ceremony, you mean them. But you aren't expecting them to test you. I remember thinking, of course, I will love my husband no matter what. Whether he gets sick in his old age, or in his younger years, I'll always love and take care of him.
What about when they get sick and it doesn't fully heal? I doubt many of us think that we will end up with a spouse who suddenly loses their health...forever.
Early on in our marriage, my husband injured his back. It did permanent damage. He has always dealt with back pain and that interfered occasionally in our life together, but didn't seem like anything we couldn't handle.
Then later in our marriage as you know, he survived cancer. Cancer combined with his back injury has been a challenge. It is like he has a physical disability, but it varies in severity. I've been in denial about this for quite sometime. I think both of us were.
Sometimes he seems perfectly healthy, able to do housework indoors and outdoors. Other times he is confined to the heating pad and an ergonomically correct chair to get through the muscle spasms, not to mention the swelling of his hands and feet. The fatigue that comes with the side effects of his cancer also effects our daily lives. Some days he seems to have a lot of energy. Other days he is too exhausted to cook (and he's the chef in our home), and just rests in the recliner. Our children watch a lot of TV and play video games with us because it is one of the best ways he can spend time with them and not suffer physical pain for it.
I used to get angry when he wasn't able to do much. I felt like I was carrying the brunt of the burden of managing our home and caring for our children. I would get an attitude, silently accusing him of not properly caring for himself to be the best for our family. Over the past several months, maybe even the past year, God has been showing me that I was being selfish. It isn't that he intentionally doesn't do things. He can't do things sometimes and I'm learning that it is my joy to serve him in doing those things.
We have learned to be more honest with each other about goals and expectations. He's learned to be more open and honest with me about his pain and struggles. We both have learned to change our personal expectations of how our home is managed. We are two imperfect people serving a perfect God and finding our way as a couple in the midst of the challenges we face.
What about when they get sick and it doesn't fully heal? I doubt many of us think that we will end up with a spouse who suddenly loses their health...forever.
Early on in our marriage, my husband injured his back. It did permanent damage. He has always dealt with back pain and that interfered occasionally in our life together, but didn't seem like anything we couldn't handle.
Then later in our marriage as you know, he survived cancer. Cancer combined with his back injury has been a challenge. It is like he has a physical disability, but it varies in severity. I've been in denial about this for quite sometime. I think both of us were.
Sometimes he seems perfectly healthy, able to do housework indoors and outdoors. Other times he is confined to the heating pad and an ergonomically correct chair to get through the muscle spasms, not to mention the swelling of his hands and feet. The fatigue that comes with the side effects of his cancer also effects our daily lives. Some days he seems to have a lot of energy. Other days he is too exhausted to cook (and he's the chef in our home), and just rests in the recliner. Our children watch a lot of TV and play video games with us because it is one of the best ways he can spend time with them and not suffer physical pain for it.
I used to get angry when he wasn't able to do much. I felt like I was carrying the brunt of the burden of managing our home and caring for our children. I would get an attitude, silently accusing him of not properly caring for himself to be the best for our family. Over the past several months, maybe even the past year, God has been showing me that I was being selfish. It isn't that he intentionally doesn't do things. He can't do things sometimes and I'm learning that it is my joy to serve him in doing those things.
We have learned to be more honest with each other about goals and expectations. He's learned to be more open and honest with me about his pain and struggles. We both have learned to change our personal expectations of how our home is managed. We are two imperfect people serving a perfect God and finding our way as a couple in the midst of the challenges we face.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Inquiring of God
The past several weeks have been full of setbacks. The program I lead is bursting at the seams with children, a wonderful thing. But we are losing employees faster than we can keep them. My office staff and I have tried to figure out what we can do to help this problem and are coming up with blanks. I've been crying out to the Lord, but He hasn't revealed any clear direction or change needed.
One employee lost her childcare and couldn't make the schedules work.
Another employee had a family emergency.
Another employee's extended family is in chaos and needed her at home.
Another employee made the difficult decision to stay home with her child while her husband is deployed.
And last but not least, one is leaving to have a baby.
None of the reasons were due to the center. None of them due to the job environment, but I also haven't found replacements yet. Please keep us in your prayers. I can't help but think it is a spiritual thing.
I heard part of a sermon today on the radio about David inquiring of God in 1 Samuel 30. The very part of the bible I have been reading at night. He said that in previous chapters David had been acting in his flesh based on how his emotions led him. But for some reason in this chapter, David stopped and inquired of the Lord how to proceed and the Lord not only answered him but told him what would happen.
I have been "staying strong" and doing whatever needs to be done to survive this time of shortage in employees at work. My office staff and I have all spent time working in classrooms. I think I have been acting in my flesh...not intentionally ignoring the Lord, but just reacting in the moment because there often isn't time to do much more than whisper a prayer as I step into action...and to be honest, I haven't even been acknowledging the Lord much.
It is hard. I struggle to find the Lord. Many times I feel like I am talking to a brick wall even though I know better than that. I know He hears my prayers. I've been asking for revelation, provision, and an understanding of His will. One of my employees made the comment that I must be having an awesome experience with the Lord to still be here (others would have run away by now). I told them I am struggling more than it may appear. It has crossed my mind more than once to leave this crazy job...but I don't have peace about that. I daydream of a life where work doesn't invade my home life.
For whatever reason, God has me where I am. Pray that I am able to do what He has called me to do, and to receive the wisdom and discernment to know what that is.
One employee lost her childcare and couldn't make the schedules work.
Another employee had a family emergency.
Another employee's extended family is in chaos and needed her at home.
Another employee made the difficult decision to stay home with her child while her husband is deployed.
And last but not least, one is leaving to have a baby.
None of the reasons were due to the center. None of them due to the job environment, but I also haven't found replacements yet. Please keep us in your prayers. I can't help but think it is a spiritual thing.
I heard part of a sermon today on the radio about David inquiring of God in 1 Samuel 30. The very part of the bible I have been reading at night. He said that in previous chapters David had been acting in his flesh based on how his emotions led him. But for some reason in this chapter, David stopped and inquired of the Lord how to proceed and the Lord not only answered him but told him what would happen.
I have been "staying strong" and doing whatever needs to be done to survive this time of shortage in employees at work. My office staff and I have all spent time working in classrooms. I think I have been acting in my flesh...not intentionally ignoring the Lord, but just reacting in the moment because there often isn't time to do much more than whisper a prayer as I step into action...and to be honest, I haven't even been acknowledging the Lord much.
It is hard. I struggle to find the Lord. Many times I feel like I am talking to a brick wall even though I know better than that. I know He hears my prayers. I've been asking for revelation, provision, and an understanding of His will. One of my employees made the comment that I must be having an awesome experience with the Lord to still be here (others would have run away by now). I told them I am struggling more than it may appear. It has crossed my mind more than once to leave this crazy job...but I don't have peace about that. I daydream of a life where work doesn't invade my home life.
For whatever reason, God has me where I am. Pray that I am able to do what He has called me to do, and to receive the wisdom and discernment to know what that is.
Friday, April 25, 2014
"Keep my eyes above the waves"
Here I am another two weeks later. Still going through challenges and dealing with frustration, joy in triumphs, anger and some satisfying successes also. The roller-coaster continues and I pray that this is the hills and valleys decreasing for a while.
I have finally chosen the person who will be my second-in-command at work and I'm thrilled to see the light grow brighter at the end of this tunnel! The only problem is that it is taking longer than I had hoped to replace her as a teacher so she can join me in the office. Finding new hires lately that meet the state qualifications and the Christian qualifications of our program has proven quite challenging. Please help me pray for God to bring us just the right people.
Another piece of good news is that my shift at work is back to a consistent schedule (the past four months I have been working alternating opening and closing shifts). It is so nice and it's really helping life at home be smoother!
My husband's health struggles have been creating more challenges, but I think we are finding some solutions. Since chemo, his hands and feet have always swollen up whenever he does any physical labor (mowing the lawn, working on his motorcycle, cleaning the house for periods of time, etc.). A few weekends ago he had some swelling, but not more than normal until he and I worked on grooming our puppy's goldendoodle fur. When we finished his hands swelled so much that they hurt and a slight tough on his finger caused a large bruise from middle knuckle to the joint at the hand. The swelling didn't go down for days. The bruise took even longer to heal. Even when the swelling did go down, it easily returned.
Finally we found some "arthritis gloves" at a local pharmacy. Something I've searched for many times, even to the point of asking the pharmacists who have acted as if I was talking about something unusual. Praise the Lord we found them! My hubby's been wearing them and just a couple days ago he took them off and his hands were normal -it made me realize how long his hands have been swollen. I almost didn't recognize his hands they were so thin and normal looking! I had gotten used to him having thicker hands and fingers that I didn't realize it was swelling.
Mid-summer he goes back in for a check up. We plan on talking to his doctor about it then too. Maybe they will have some other suggestions to help in addition to the gloves.
My brain capacity is shrinking and the words are disappearing from my thoughts so I will bid you good night until next time!
I have finally chosen the person who will be my second-in-command at work and I'm thrilled to see the light grow brighter at the end of this tunnel! The only problem is that it is taking longer than I had hoped to replace her as a teacher so she can join me in the office. Finding new hires lately that meet the state qualifications and the Christian qualifications of our program has proven quite challenging. Please help me pray for God to bring us just the right people.
Another piece of good news is that my shift at work is back to a consistent schedule (the past four months I have been working alternating opening and closing shifts). It is so nice and it's really helping life at home be smoother!
My husband's health struggles have been creating more challenges, but I think we are finding some solutions. Since chemo, his hands and feet have always swollen up whenever he does any physical labor (mowing the lawn, working on his motorcycle, cleaning the house for periods of time, etc.). A few weekends ago he had some swelling, but not more than normal until he and I worked on grooming our puppy's goldendoodle fur. When we finished his hands swelled so much that they hurt and a slight tough on his finger caused a large bruise from middle knuckle to the joint at the hand. The swelling didn't go down for days. The bruise took even longer to heal. Even when the swelling did go down, it easily returned.
Finally we found some "arthritis gloves" at a local pharmacy. Something I've searched for many times, even to the point of asking the pharmacists who have acted as if I was talking about something unusual. Praise the Lord we found them! My hubby's been wearing them and just a couple days ago he took them off and his hands were normal -it made me realize how long his hands have been swollen. I almost didn't recognize his hands they were so thin and normal looking! I had gotten used to him having thicker hands and fingers that I didn't realize it was swelling.
Mid-summer he goes back in for a check up. We plan on talking to his doctor about it then too. Maybe they will have some other suggestions to help in addition to the gloves.
My brain capacity is shrinking and the words are disappearing from my thoughts so I will bid you good night until next time!
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Where Feet May Fail (Oceans by Hillsong)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2PNTq_-mZs
This is one of my new favorite songs. It is so full of worship and humbling yourself before the Lord. One of my favorite lines is "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders..."
God has really been speaking to me in the lyrics of Christian music lately. The words of the songs that wake me up each morning speak to my heart and sometimes seem to be God speaking literally to me using those words. At church, the lyrics of the worship music touches my heart and I recognize that they are exactly the words I need to pay attention to because they deal specifically with the focus of change that God is working in me.
My relationship with God has been more open. Since I got angry with Him and realized how I have tried to speak in a "holy" manner when I pray, I am doing my best to be completely honest with myself and with God. By tearing down that wall of pretending I am better than I am, I feel closer to my Lord. I perceive that He is involved in my life and cares dearly for me. That wall that pushed Him away is slowly disappearing and that's a really cool thing.
As I write this and it is a positive blog, I am also praying for protection and that I am able to continue to put aside my need to be "perfect" in God's eyes. I have another challenge coming up and it could easily bring me back to a low place. So please pray with me that I will remain faithful and trusting wholly in the Lord to lead, to guide, and to protect and provide through these coming challenges.
This is one of my new favorite songs. It is so full of worship and humbling yourself before the Lord. One of my favorite lines is "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders..."
God has really been speaking to me in the lyrics of Christian music lately. The words of the songs that wake me up each morning speak to my heart and sometimes seem to be God speaking literally to me using those words. At church, the lyrics of the worship music touches my heart and I recognize that they are exactly the words I need to pay attention to because they deal specifically with the focus of change that God is working in me.
My relationship with God has been more open. Since I got angry with Him and realized how I have tried to speak in a "holy" manner when I pray, I am doing my best to be completely honest with myself and with God. By tearing down that wall of pretending I am better than I am, I feel closer to my Lord. I perceive that He is involved in my life and cares dearly for me. That wall that pushed Him away is slowly disappearing and that's a really cool thing.
As I write this and it is a positive blog, I am also praying for protection and that I am able to continue to put aside my need to be "perfect" in God's eyes. I have another challenge coming up and it could easily bring me back to a low place. So please pray with me that I will remain faithful and trusting wholly in the Lord to lead, to guide, and to protect and provide through these coming challenges.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Whatever is true, kind, noble...
I'm working on trying to keep my mind focused on positive things as the bible says in Philippians 4:8, "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable--if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise--dwell on these things."
I'm realizing that even the little negative things can really affect my attitude. My week has been filled with ups and downs as usual, but I am beginning to glimpse the light at the end of this tunnel I am traveling. There is still work to be done and more waiting until I get there, but it ended on a good note. Or at least I think my attitude is changing a bit for the better. God is showing me the triggers that turn my joy into fear and in getting to recognize triggers, perhaps I can learn better how to avoid them or negate them.
Earlier this week for the first time in as long as I can recall, I came home from work, relaxed and when it was time to prepare for dinner, I felt like it was Friday night and wasn't stressed for the upcoming day's responsibilities. What a breath of fresh air that was!
I'm seeing God working again. Not that He ever stopped, but I am recognizing it again. A co-worker of mine who has already lost a spouse to a terminal illness is going through it again. I don't know the extent of how God might use my experience with cancer to touch her life, but I am much more compassionate than I might have been and thankful for the ability to understand where she is coming from.
Seeing her struggle to grieve and the look of emotional panic in her eyes, I can't make it better, but I can listen. I can allow her time to grieve. They need a miracle or it will be a matter of extending life...modern medicine cannot cure this illness. Despite her grief, her attitude is why I respect her so much. Her heart is to preserve her husband's dignity, quality of life, and respect his decisions. Please join me in lifting her up in prayer. They are both believers.
On a more positive note, I have seen some of my staff look to God for answers to a problem they were having and see how He works things out for the better. A relationship headed downhill, while disagreeing doctrinally with each other, they both sought the Lord and He has provided a way where they can create a more healthy distance while maintaining a respectful attitude towards each other.
I'm realizing that even the little negative things can really affect my attitude. My week has been filled with ups and downs as usual, but I am beginning to glimpse the light at the end of this tunnel I am traveling. There is still work to be done and more waiting until I get there, but it ended on a good note. Or at least I think my attitude is changing a bit for the better. God is showing me the triggers that turn my joy into fear and in getting to recognize triggers, perhaps I can learn better how to avoid them or negate them.
Earlier this week for the first time in as long as I can recall, I came home from work, relaxed and when it was time to prepare for dinner, I felt like it was Friday night and wasn't stressed for the upcoming day's responsibilities. What a breath of fresh air that was!
I'm seeing God working again. Not that He ever stopped, but I am recognizing it again. A co-worker of mine who has already lost a spouse to a terminal illness is going through it again. I don't know the extent of how God might use my experience with cancer to touch her life, but I am much more compassionate than I might have been and thankful for the ability to understand where she is coming from.
Seeing her struggle to grieve and the look of emotional panic in her eyes, I can't make it better, but I can listen. I can allow her time to grieve. They need a miracle or it will be a matter of extending life...modern medicine cannot cure this illness. Despite her grief, her attitude is why I respect her so much. Her heart is to preserve her husband's dignity, quality of life, and respect his decisions. Please join me in lifting her up in prayer. They are both believers.
On a more positive note, I have seen some of my staff look to God for answers to a problem they were having and see how He works things out for the better. A relationship headed downhill, while disagreeing doctrinally with each other, they both sought the Lord and He has provided a way where they can create a more healthy distance while maintaining a respectful attitude towards each other.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Selfishness & Pride
Re-reading the last post, I noticed in the ways I coped with being bummed...did you notice it too??? I didn't mention going to God for help.
When depressed I did write a couple sentences in my prayer journal basically telling God, "I need help." In those high-emotion times, it is so hard to humble myself to the Lord. My selfish, woe-is-me attitude prevents me from letting go of myself to receive from God. The times we need Him most are the times we run away.
When I'm emotional and clinging to the selfishness of my troubles, I'm longing for a rescuer. Someone to come and coddle me, make it all better, and take care of things for me. It is those times that I give up and feel so incredibly lost.
The next day I wasn't so depressed, but still struggled. I had a scheduling issue and wasn't finding any answers to solve my problem. I got frustrated and angry. I absolutely hate not having control when something is effecting me negatively. I chose to go to God with it, although I sure didn't go humbly. I vented in my journal to Him. I complained about the continuous struggles and how I was tired of dealing with them. Not long after that, I soon had the solution I needed, without any additional work. That was humbling. God followed through despite my bad attitude.
I had to go back and apologize to God. It seems no matter how much I convince myself I am trusting Him, I still am impatient and easily angered to have to wait on Him. Ironically, when I was honest to God about how I felt and venting to Him, I felt closer to Him than when I am trying to be the "good girl" and have dedicated quiet time. It made me realize that there is still a level of pride within me and I am not truly honest with God or even myself sometimes.
When depressed I did write a couple sentences in my prayer journal basically telling God, "I need help." In those high-emotion times, it is so hard to humble myself to the Lord. My selfish, woe-is-me attitude prevents me from letting go of myself to receive from God. The times we need Him most are the times we run away.
When I'm emotional and clinging to the selfishness of my troubles, I'm longing for a rescuer. Someone to come and coddle me, make it all better, and take care of things for me. It is those times that I give up and feel so incredibly lost.
The next day I wasn't so depressed, but still struggled. I had a scheduling issue and wasn't finding any answers to solve my problem. I got frustrated and angry. I absolutely hate not having control when something is effecting me negatively. I chose to go to God with it, although I sure didn't go humbly. I vented in my journal to Him. I complained about the continuous struggles and how I was tired of dealing with them. Not long after that, I soon had the solution I needed, without any additional work. That was humbling. God followed through despite my bad attitude.
I had to go back and apologize to God. It seems no matter how much I convince myself I am trusting Him, I still am impatient and easily angered to have to wait on Him. Ironically, when I was honest to God about how I felt and venting to Him, I felt closer to Him than when I am trying to be the "good girl" and have dedicated quiet time. It made me realize that there is still a level of pride within me and I am not truly honest with God or even myself sometimes.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Highs and Lows
Another week has passed and more highs and lows have taken place. High emotions run in my family. I've noticed them in my grandpa, my father, myself and my oldest daughter. We're a sentimental bunch and emotions can easily overwhelm us.
Yesterday I would have described my emotional state as depression. I thought about blogging in the midst of it, but I know from past experiences that those times come and go. I didn't want my irrational frame of mind to say something that I might regret later. Usually when I get past a very low point, the concerns weighing me down don't seem so big the next day.
Yesterday I felt like my world was heading down a dead-end road, and I was almost there. My job is affecting me at home. I'm bringing home work and the mental stress of work. My husband's physical complications have increased with the illnesses our family has been dealing with. Our home is the epitome of the word "pigsty". There is piles of laundry. Piles of dirty dishes. A kitchen floor that should have ben swept 2-3 times over. Clutter is everywhere. The sad and embarrassing part is that even though I hate looking at it, I had no energy or motivation to do much about it. For the first time in my life, I have stooped to a new low.
Being emotional, but practical, I don't often make rash decisions. I do, however, replay stress in my head trying to figure it all out. Is this a true issue or do I need a perspective change? Is the job really too much? Is it really the job or is it how I am handling it (meaning spiritually)? Do I really need to change my job or do I need to change something in me?
Asking those questions can be overwhelming too. So I cried. I took a nap. I soaked in a hot bath. And my wonderful husband gave me space to do it in. Today I am improved. Still considering those questions in my mind, but not in the "depths of despair".
I accomplished 2 loads of dishes and did some cleaning in the basement today while I listened to church online (my cold still getting me down physically). Progress for now. :0)
Yesterday I would have described my emotional state as depression. I thought about blogging in the midst of it, but I know from past experiences that those times come and go. I didn't want my irrational frame of mind to say something that I might regret later. Usually when I get past a very low point, the concerns weighing me down don't seem so big the next day.
Yesterday I felt like my world was heading down a dead-end road, and I was almost there. My job is affecting me at home. I'm bringing home work and the mental stress of work. My husband's physical complications have increased with the illnesses our family has been dealing with. Our home is the epitome of the word "pigsty". There is piles of laundry. Piles of dirty dishes. A kitchen floor that should have ben swept 2-3 times over. Clutter is everywhere. The sad and embarrassing part is that even though I hate looking at it, I had no energy or motivation to do much about it. For the first time in my life, I have stooped to a new low.
Being emotional, but practical, I don't often make rash decisions. I do, however, replay stress in my head trying to figure it all out. Is this a true issue or do I need a perspective change? Is the job really too much? Is it really the job or is it how I am handling it (meaning spiritually)? Do I really need to change my job or do I need to change something in me?
Asking those questions can be overwhelming too. So I cried. I took a nap. I soaked in a hot bath. And my wonderful husband gave me space to do it in. Today I am improved. Still considering those questions in my mind, but not in the "depths of despair".
I accomplished 2 loads of dishes and did some cleaning in the basement today while I listened to church online (my cold still getting me down physically). Progress for now. :0)
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Memory Lane
I've been slowly going through my piles of junk and paper to clean my basement.
I have a vision of creating a memory book for each daughter and also perhaps someday writing a book about some of our experiences. As I find the old wall-calendars from the past, I am putting the notes into an excel spreadsheet and tossing the physical calendar. Tonight I found my 2011 calendar and logged its notes...that was our year of cancer.
Although the calendar only has the important appointments and dates of big events, it brought back many memories and with what was noted, I could still fill in the blanks of the things that weren't noted on the calendar. I remember what each appointment discussed and revealed, the CT scan after surgery that didn't reveal cancer returning only months before the next one did. The scheduled final round of chemo that was cancelled due to my husband's lungs deteriorating, my children's school events, and more.
I was amazed over all the "normal" life events we participated in during the midst of living through cancer. The children still attended birthday parties. They were involved in sports. Life didn't come to a screeching halt for us. Sometimes I remember it as ending... Emotionally, my world ended. In reality, it only changed. It changed forever.
Now whenever I see past co-workers or past acquaintances, they always ask how my husband is doing and if the remission is still "going well". Yes, we are doing well. Somehow we have survived to tell the tale and continue to live life as best we can. I feel like I imagine an older woman in a movie would be feeling as she retold her life's history. I'm only early thirties still...what more will I get to live in my lifetime? God only knows.
I have a vision of creating a memory book for each daughter and also perhaps someday writing a book about some of our experiences. As I find the old wall-calendars from the past, I am putting the notes into an excel spreadsheet and tossing the physical calendar. Tonight I found my 2011 calendar and logged its notes...that was our year of cancer.
Although the calendar only has the important appointments and dates of big events, it brought back many memories and with what was noted, I could still fill in the blanks of the things that weren't noted on the calendar. I remember what each appointment discussed and revealed, the CT scan after surgery that didn't reveal cancer returning only months before the next one did. The scheduled final round of chemo that was cancelled due to my husband's lungs deteriorating, my children's school events, and more.
I was amazed over all the "normal" life events we participated in during the midst of living through cancer. The children still attended birthday parties. They were involved in sports. Life didn't come to a screeching halt for us. Sometimes I remember it as ending... Emotionally, my world ended. In reality, it only changed. It changed forever.
Now whenever I see past co-workers or past acquaintances, they always ask how my husband is doing and if the remission is still "going well". Yes, we are doing well. Somehow we have survived to tell the tale and continue to live life as best we can. I feel like I imagine an older woman in a movie would be feeling as she retold her life's history. I'm only early thirties still...what more will I get to live in my lifetime? God only knows.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Peace Settles In
This week was another busy week. I hired a highly qualified new teacher who quit on me with no notice 4 days into the week. It wasn't the leadership role she had experienced before in her previous job and although I think it might have been a great relationship had her attitude about her new position been different, God has other plans. Of course, not receiving any notice was a blow and a discouragement.
I was growing weary of the struggle again. Friday was our first full-day in-service of the year and we had some really great fellowship together as a team of godly women. I feel much more at peace now and I believe that God has put some things into place that will help solve some of the scheduling issues I am facing.
The illness in our home seems to be dissipating and I enjoyed having a girls night with my daughters on Friday. They got to stay up late with me to eat popcorn and watch a movie. My favorite part was holding my youngest in my lap and just having the closeness of her near me. My oldest was enjoying the little fort she created under the foot of the recliner I was sitting in. :0)
I was growing weary of the struggle again. Friday was our first full-day in-service of the year and we had some really great fellowship together as a team of godly women. I feel much more at peace now and I believe that God has put some things into place that will help solve some of the scheduling issues I am facing.
The illness in our home seems to be dissipating and I enjoyed having a girls night with my daughters on Friday. They got to stay up late with me to eat popcorn and watch a movie. My favorite part was holding my youngest in my lap and just having the closeness of her near me. My oldest was enjoying the little fort she created under the foot of the recliner I was sitting in. :0)
Friday, February 28, 2014
Faint Light at the end of the Tunnel?
It has been another long week, but thankfully it appears to be improving! I've had some challenging days with some very bad lows at work this week. Still down a person in the office, zero response to ads for new employees, and a struggle with the scheduling due to the teachers who have recently left in addition to those who had been approved time off prior to the change in staffing.
My faith has struggled and it was hard to see how we would make it through each day, but as always, God provided. My husband reminds me to let go and give God control. I think I am, but then my attitude goes sour and I stress over how things will end up working out positively. I wasn't intentionally not trusting God, but I wasn't. I'm responsible for keeping my business going and solving any and all issues that arise...I forgot that it was God who put me there in the first place and God who would make it a success or a failure. I got lost in trying to solve problems that were out of my control.
I have had several conversations with my boss and it has helped. Some of my teachers who had been out on long-term leave are returning next week, and I got a couple responses on my recent advertisement so I have high hopes of seeing a true light at the end of the tunnel.
My family is slowly recovering from a nasty digestive bug and I've been able to have some quality time with my children too. Everything seems to be improving. It isn't all perfect or all figured out, but I am so grateful to at least have a season of rest before the next storm heads my way.
My faith has struggled and it was hard to see how we would make it through each day, but as always, God provided. My husband reminds me to let go and give God control. I think I am, but then my attitude goes sour and I stress over how things will end up working out positively. I wasn't intentionally not trusting God, but I wasn't. I'm responsible for keeping my business going and solving any and all issues that arise...I forgot that it was God who put me there in the first place and God who would make it a success or a failure. I got lost in trying to solve problems that were out of my control.
I have had several conversations with my boss and it has helped. Some of my teachers who had been out on long-term leave are returning next week, and I got a couple responses on my recent advertisement so I have high hopes of seeing a true light at the end of the tunnel.
My family is slowly recovering from a nasty digestive bug and I've been able to have some quality time with my children too. Everything seems to be improving. It isn't all perfect or all figured out, but I am so grateful to at least have a season of rest before the next storm heads my way.
Friday, February 21, 2014
God Speaks
This last week was a 4-day work week because of the President's Day holiday. It felt like a 6-day work week. Thursday night I was so exhausted mentally, physically, and even spiritually. I felt like I was living through a never-ending battle. Each and every day was a struggle to fill the gaps in the scheduling at work with teachers having life struggles, many out sick including myself, and subs who weren't available. My husband was sick, my children were fighting illness, I was recovering...I just wanted to give up. I wanted to bury myself in a hole and cry. My attitude was struggling and I suppose the only positive thing I can say about myself is that I kept going to God.
I have a note I wrote myself as a reminder and a motivator on my desk: "I'm looking forward to our time together. ~Jesus". Having that visible every day helps me remember to turn to Him. I wrote journal prayers like I always do, even if they were short. I begged God for help, for wisdom, for rest, for answers, for peace, and for a better attitude. He drew me to 2 Timothy, a chapter mentioned in church that the Junior High Ministry had recently studied at a retreat. These are the two verses that stuck out to me and have really helped me:
2 Timothy 4:18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil work and will bring me safely into His heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory forever and ever! Amen.
2 Timothy 4:17 But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me...
I needed those words. They boosted my heart and my spirit. God answered my prayers. Most of my struggles will continue for the next few weeks, but He is providing for me. We haven't gone a day where I wasn't able to fill the gap, even if it had to be me. Today was a blessing because even though several of my employees weren't feeling well, they helped to stand in the gap. As a reward and a much needed break, we are cancelling our normal monthly after-hours meeting. We all need the time.
I have a note I wrote myself as a reminder and a motivator on my desk: "I'm looking forward to our time together. ~Jesus". Having that visible every day helps me remember to turn to Him. I wrote journal prayers like I always do, even if they were short. I begged God for help, for wisdom, for rest, for answers, for peace, and for a better attitude. He drew me to 2 Timothy, a chapter mentioned in church that the Junior High Ministry had recently studied at a retreat. These are the two verses that stuck out to me and have really helped me:
2 Timothy 4:18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil work and will bring me safely into His heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory forever and ever! Amen.
2 Timothy 4:17 But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me...
I needed those words. They boosted my heart and my spirit. God answered my prayers. Most of my struggles will continue for the next few weeks, but He is providing for me. We haven't gone a day where I wasn't able to fill the gap, even if it had to be me. Today was a blessing because even though several of my employees weren't feeling well, they helped to stand in the gap. As a reward and a much needed break, we are cancelling our normal monthly after-hours meeting. We all need the time.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Walking in Faith...or attempting to!
Work is going through a transition period. One full time teacher is leaving and two of my part-timers (a married couple) are moving on to follow the Lord's leading in their lives and ministry. I've had some good interviews and can still see the light at the end of the tunnel, although it sometimes seems faint.
We continue to be short-staffed with illness going around and an employee out on maternity leave. God always provides, even if I am helping in a classroom instead of focusing on my work. I struggle to keep a positive attitude some mornings, and I just keep reminding myself of His promises and giving them up to Him. Today I had just prayed about having a good relationship with each of my girls and I snapped at one in frustration today...bummer deal. I need a "date" with my girls. God willing, there will be a season of rest coming soon!
At home things are going well. I've started another blog that is a more professional side of me, one that I feel more comfortable as being non-anonymous. :0) I've gotten more into Pinterest, not just for projects I'd like to accomplish in my home, but I like the blogs of other women I find there too. Some of those women who have a serious blog-career are so gifted. I really like perusing their blogs for ideas and tips that I can use in my own life. Most of them are stay at home moms and blogging is a way for them to make an additional income while raising their children. It is rare to find one from a working mom and I've never found one from the viewpoint of a childcare professional, so I am stepping out into the realm of blogging to try my hand at it since I love to write and love to share what I have learned. I'm not searching for income right now, but if God grows it in that direction, an added bonus! Perhaps one day these two blogs will end up combining into one. For now, though I will keep them separate. Happy hump day.
We continue to be short-staffed with illness going around and an employee out on maternity leave. God always provides, even if I am helping in a classroom instead of focusing on my work. I struggle to keep a positive attitude some mornings, and I just keep reminding myself of His promises and giving them up to Him. Today I had just prayed about having a good relationship with each of my girls and I snapped at one in frustration today...bummer deal. I need a "date" with my girls. God willing, there will be a season of rest coming soon!
At home things are going well. I've started another blog that is a more professional side of me, one that I feel more comfortable as being non-anonymous. :0) I've gotten more into Pinterest, not just for projects I'd like to accomplish in my home, but I like the blogs of other women I find there too. Some of those women who have a serious blog-career are so gifted. I really like perusing their blogs for ideas and tips that I can use in my own life. Most of them are stay at home moms and blogging is a way for them to make an additional income while raising their children. It is rare to find one from a working mom and I've never found one from the viewpoint of a childcare professional, so I am stepping out into the realm of blogging to try my hand at it since I love to write and love to share what I have learned. I'm not searching for income right now, but if God grows it in that direction, an added bonus! Perhaps one day these two blogs will end up combining into one. For now, though I will keep them separate. Happy hump day.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Superbowl Anyone?
This year's super bowl was a huge disappointment. Only one team showed up and it wasn't my family's team... :( Oh well, just a game, right...well, if you're a die-hard football fan, don't answer that!
The rest of my weekend has been pretty great. After a really difficult month being short-staffed and employees pretending they don't know our policies, I am looking forward to starting the interview process this next week, and relieved at an answer to prayer.
It wasn't even a prayer I had spoken or formed words for, but it solved a dilemma I wasn't sure how to fix. One of my employees and I have struggled off and on the past few months. Her perspective didn't match with mine and my attempts to help her become more of a team player failed. She ended up turning in her notice and I was surprised at the peace that filled me when I received her resignation. I had hoped to work through the challenges with her and see her become a strong part of our team, but I guess God has other things in mind.
Our first staff meeting of the month was also this week and I really felt good about it. I shared my vision for our program, some of the changes coming up and expectations I have for how our program will run. I know it was received well by some, others I think will accept the changes as they come. It was one of the first meetings where I was strong as a leader on my own, not depending on anyone and being very clear about what I expected.
At church this weekend, it felt like icing on the cake. My hubby wasn't able to join us as he wasn't feeling well, and even though I was alone, I was happy to be in the presence of the Lord and glad for my children to be in Sunday School. The sermon was on prayer and that is a topic I haven't really focused on much before. I enjoyed the tidbits and when we got home, my hubby talked about getting on the prayer chain email list and praying as a family. That is uber exciting to me!
The rest of my weekend has been pretty great. After a really difficult month being short-staffed and employees pretending they don't know our policies, I am looking forward to starting the interview process this next week, and relieved at an answer to prayer.
It wasn't even a prayer I had spoken or formed words for, but it solved a dilemma I wasn't sure how to fix. One of my employees and I have struggled off and on the past few months. Her perspective didn't match with mine and my attempts to help her become more of a team player failed. She ended up turning in her notice and I was surprised at the peace that filled me when I received her resignation. I had hoped to work through the challenges with her and see her become a strong part of our team, but I guess God has other things in mind.
Our first staff meeting of the month was also this week and I really felt good about it. I shared my vision for our program, some of the changes coming up and expectations I have for how our program will run. I know it was received well by some, others I think will accept the changes as they come. It was one of the first meetings where I was strong as a leader on my own, not depending on anyone and being very clear about what I expected.
At church this weekend, it felt like icing on the cake. My hubby wasn't able to join us as he wasn't feeling well, and even though I was alone, I was happy to be in the presence of the Lord and glad for my children to be in Sunday School. The sermon was on prayer and that is a topic I haven't really focused on much before. I enjoyed the tidbits and when we got home, my hubby talked about getting on the prayer chain email list and praying as a family. That is uber exciting to me!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
New Beginnings...Literally
Well, God is making changes in my world and I'm trying to keep up. My other goal this year is to sincerely seek God and listen to hear from Him to guide me. It's quite the challenge. Sometimes I have a great quiet time and other times I feel like I am just reading words on a page and talking to the wall. I know that last sentence is not true, even if it feels true. I long to hear directly from the Lord and feel a little lost in how to truly seek Him.
My God-sent friend and close teammate at work had to resign her position this month due to life circumstances that prevented her from continuing to work at our program. I miss her dearly, but we remain good friends and are keeping in touch thankfully! She was my biggest supporter and the first person to truly allow me to be the boss, she could have easily taken over things or pushed an agenda through, but she never did. She always deferred to me and allowed me to discover the strength inside of me. The season we had together was wonderful. I learned so much and now we embark on a new chapter of the journey.
I am now in the process of hiring a new teammate, and I have to admit it is a little scary. I have just posted the advertisement and so far the three applicants are not what I'm looking for...we shall see what lies in store!
My God-sent friend and close teammate at work had to resign her position this month due to life circumstances that prevented her from continuing to work at our program. I miss her dearly, but we remain good friends and are keeping in touch thankfully! She was my biggest supporter and the first person to truly allow me to be the boss, she could have easily taken over things or pushed an agenda through, but she never did. She always deferred to me and allowed me to discover the strength inside of me. The season we had together was wonderful. I learned so much and now we embark on a new chapter of the journey.
I am now in the process of hiring a new teammate, and I have to admit it is a little scary. I have just posted the advertisement and so far the three applicants are not what I'm looking for...we shall see what lies in store!
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Happy New Year!
2014 is so far a good year, although it has only just begun! I have a better understanding of my abilities (strengths and weaknesses) and also what I can do in the time each day holds. With a mostly organized home, our days have been pretty good the past week. Tomorrow marks the first day with all of us back to work and the kids back to school. This next week will be the true test!
I've started pulling my art things out again, but I still have to deal with my piles of junk and paper clutter that I moved out of the way to put up my new art desk. The pile is overwhelming and so I haven't really done more than look at it disparagingly. The basement clutter, our kitchen and the bathroom are the main areas of our home that I haven't organized yet. Perhaps that will be a goal to accomplish over the course of this year.
With 2-years of being in remission from cancer under our belts, blood-work and check-ups are now at every 6-months. My hubby still suffers from some of the effects of chemo, but I think it is safe to say that cancer is no longer a major part of our thoughts. His remaining issues consist of: life-long hormone replacement injections, occasional swelling of his hands and feet, a slight change in his vision (he notices a difference in how well he perceives things visually), slight hearing loss (we don't notice it much), and sometimes he feels more absent minded than he used to be. Some of these may improve over time and they may not. However, aside from the swelling and injections, they do not have any major impact on our daily lives.
A personal goal of mine is to get healthy this year. Not a resolution because I never keep resolutions and I really haven't felt like 2014 is anything other than another day I get to live. I have gained a good 7-10 pounds over the course of the last year and don't fit well into my clothes. I also notice more pain when I am rearranging because my body is so out of shape. I don't diet, never have. Being blessed with good genes as far as being small-framed and a good metabolism, I've never worried about my weight. But with gaining weight easier, a higher stress job, and getting older I do need to make some changes.
I am planning on reducing my sugar intake, making an effort to be more active, and reducing portion sizes to begin with. I don't want to set a specific goal or action plan because I don't want to feel obligated or down if I mess it up. It needs to be a part of how I live my life or I'll never stick to it.
My other personal goal is to make God a priority. I want to hear from Him about who He is and what He wants for my life. I don't want to take answers from others, I want more of Him!
I've started pulling my art things out again, but I still have to deal with my piles of junk and paper clutter that I moved out of the way to put up my new art desk. The pile is overwhelming and so I haven't really done more than look at it disparagingly. The basement clutter, our kitchen and the bathroom are the main areas of our home that I haven't organized yet. Perhaps that will be a goal to accomplish over the course of this year.
With 2-years of being in remission from cancer under our belts, blood-work and check-ups are now at every 6-months. My hubby still suffers from some of the effects of chemo, but I think it is safe to say that cancer is no longer a major part of our thoughts. His remaining issues consist of: life-long hormone replacement injections, occasional swelling of his hands and feet, a slight change in his vision (he notices a difference in how well he perceives things visually), slight hearing loss (we don't notice it much), and sometimes he feels more absent minded than he used to be. Some of these may improve over time and they may not. However, aside from the swelling and injections, they do not have any major impact on our daily lives.
A personal goal of mine is to get healthy this year. Not a resolution because I never keep resolutions and I really haven't felt like 2014 is anything other than another day I get to live. I have gained a good 7-10 pounds over the course of the last year and don't fit well into my clothes. I also notice more pain when I am rearranging because my body is so out of shape. I don't diet, never have. Being blessed with good genes as far as being small-framed and a good metabolism, I've never worried about my weight. But with gaining weight easier, a higher stress job, and getting older I do need to make some changes.
I am planning on reducing my sugar intake, making an effort to be more active, and reducing portion sizes to begin with. I don't want to set a specific goal or action plan because I don't want to feel obligated or down if I mess it up. It needs to be a part of how I live my life or I'll never stick to it.
My other personal goal is to make God a priority. I want to hear from Him about who He is and what He wants for my life. I don't want to take answers from others, I want more of Him!
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