Each pregnancy I gained 40+ pounds and only lost some of that pregnancy weight. Each pregnancy I was another pant-size larger after delivery. I reached my highest weight ever with this last pregnancy.
At 5'3'' tall, I weighed in at 207 just before my baby was born. My body was massively swollen and every movement was uncomfortable. I couldn't do a complete shopping trip or even walk around the house without swelling to the point of my skin feeling like it might burst if I bent my limbs too sharply.
I've since lost over 60 pounds of that baby weight. I haven't been this light since before my second child was born! While I love to see the numbers on the scale, looking into the mirror is a different story. I don't look like I did when I was younger. Yes, I am thinner, but my body sags. I still have a mushy-gushy belly that my daughter tells me makes me look pregnant...even after losing 60 pounds. I have zero muscle tone and my body shows it.
The body is a curious thing. It doesn't matter who you are or how you look to others. Each person has their own struggles with their physical self. I am glad to be where I am and I know full well that I have only lost this much weight because of the extreme diet I am on...nursing my son also probably plays a role as well. So I am thankful for the weight loss and admit that while content with who I am, it would be nice to be in better shape physically.
Yet, I cautiously share about my thoughts about my body-image. In the past others have rolled their eyes and told me that they only wished they had my problems when I have shared my desire to lose some weight. Don't say that. You don't want my problems or my diet. Appreciate your body for what it is, we are all living in broken vessels, awaiting Christ's soon return and to receive our eternal bodies.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Free Time? What's That?
The baby is actually asleep before my bedtime for a change! We just started working on teaching him to self-sooth in order to go to sleep on his own. He's too young for the "cry it out" method, but has already learned to love being held and rocked to sleep...if he can nurse to sleep he's even happier...but all that is bad news for mommy!
He already sucks his hands which was one suggestion for self-soothing techniques, so now instead of swaddling him tight for naps, we leave his arms free so he can use his skills to sooth himself. He doesn't sooth to sleep yet, but he will when getting hungry or upon waking rather than going immediately to a scream.
At bedtime he sleeps in a sleep-sack because it isn't safe to swaddle babies and leave them alone. A baby of any age can inadvertently flip over while swaddled and suffocate to death...a huge risk for SIDS too. He only gets swaddled when napping in the same room I'm working in so I can keep an eye on him.
I was wanting to do an Advent type of lesson for Homeschooling on prayer and I found a devotion of 25 days of Advent Prayer. I'm excited to go through it with my girls and learn more with them about prayer and the power they have in the blessing of being able to pray directly to God!
In other news, I continue to pray for my hubby's arthritis. It causes chronic pain and this fall it just seems to be constant struggle for him. Love you all, have a wonderful night!
He already sucks his hands which was one suggestion for self-soothing techniques, so now instead of swaddling him tight for naps, we leave his arms free so he can use his skills to sooth himself. He doesn't sooth to sleep yet, but he will when getting hungry or upon waking rather than going immediately to a scream.
At bedtime he sleeps in a sleep-sack because it isn't safe to swaddle babies and leave them alone. A baby of any age can inadvertently flip over while swaddled and suffocate to death...a huge risk for SIDS too. He only gets swaddled when napping in the same room I'm working in so I can keep an eye on him.
I was wanting to do an Advent type of lesson for Homeschooling on prayer and I found a devotion of 25 days of Advent Prayer. I'm excited to go through it with my girls and learn more with them about prayer and the power they have in the blessing of being able to pray directly to God!
In other news, I continue to pray for my hubby's arthritis. It causes chronic pain and this fall it just seems to be constant struggle for him. Love you all, have a wonderful night!
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thanksgiving dinner on a TED is interesting indeed! We changed the ingredients of our turkey brine and I bought an all natural turkey, minimally processed as well as an all natural, uncured ham. My sides were butternut squash mash and green beans. I tried a vegan pumpkin "pie" with no crust and made with potato starch and evaporated coconut milk, but something in it upset my son's stomach. Not sure what exactly, so I stuck with my fake banana bread and coconut milk ice cream after that. ;)
I've been enjoying my early morning nursing sessions with my son, that is when I have a quiet devotion time using the "YouVersion" Bible on my phone. I did a devotion on Prayer and now I'm doing one on Busyness...this new one is much more attention grabbing because I am good at finding ways to be busy -to a fault. I want to find a good way to do an Advent celebration with my girls as we prepare for Christmas, not sure if I'll make one up or find one to follow yet.
Homeschooling is coming along. I'm discovering patterns in our curriculum and am able to look ahead more often now to add in activities and be more prepared for our learning content. I still haven't found a homeschool group to join with the kids, but I did try out our church's Mom's Night Out bible study for homeschooling moms. It was awkward to go because I am such an introvert, but I knew it would be good for me. I'm glad I went.
Sorry this is short, motherhood calls...have a wonderful rest of your day!
I've been enjoying my early morning nursing sessions with my son, that is when I have a quiet devotion time using the "YouVersion" Bible on my phone. I did a devotion on Prayer and now I'm doing one on Busyness...this new one is much more attention grabbing because I am good at finding ways to be busy -to a fault. I want to find a good way to do an Advent celebration with my girls as we prepare for Christmas, not sure if I'll make one up or find one to follow yet.
Homeschooling is coming along. I'm discovering patterns in our curriculum and am able to look ahead more often now to add in activities and be more prepared for our learning content. I still haven't found a homeschool group to join with the kids, but I did try out our church's Mom's Night Out bible study for homeschooling moms. It was awkward to go because I am such an introvert, but I knew it would be good for me. I'm glad I went.
Sorry this is short, motherhood calls...have a wonderful rest of your day!
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Life as a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM)
First off, I have to say that I do not miss having to go to a job. I LOVE being at home and being my own boss. There is plenty of things to be done, especially with three kiddos at home. My stress level has decreased because all of my energy is spent on those I love rather than trying to balance it with work and home. Home is my work now!
Homeschooling is going well. We've tweaked our routine to fit our lifestyle too, the flexibility it provides is so nice! For example, this Monday my oldest woke up complaining about school and how she wished everyday could be a weekend where she could play all day. Instead of pushing her into our normal schedule of starting right away with breakfast and school, we had a lazy morning. I let them watch a show on TV, we ate breakfast as we watched, and then she and her sister went outside to play for a good half hour. After that, she was in better spirits and ready to start school.
We do a daily devotion, sometimes following the curriculum and sometimes we do something simpler. I've been teaching my girls the books of the Bible in song, and they have already memorized the Old Testament! As we read our Bible, we are noticing many things: the promises of God, and how He keeps His promises by noticing prophecy fulfilled. :)
My home isn't as neat and organized as I wish it were being home all the time, but I suppose I have to give myself grace because we do have a two month old in the house who takes up a lot of time!
Homeschooling is going well. We've tweaked our routine to fit our lifestyle too, the flexibility it provides is so nice! For example, this Monday my oldest woke up complaining about school and how she wished everyday could be a weekend where she could play all day. Instead of pushing her into our normal schedule of starting right away with breakfast and school, we had a lazy morning. I let them watch a show on TV, we ate breakfast as we watched, and then she and her sister went outside to play for a good half hour. After that, she was in better spirits and ready to start school.
We do a daily devotion, sometimes following the curriculum and sometimes we do something simpler. I've been teaching my girls the books of the Bible in song, and they have already memorized the Old Testament! As we read our Bible, we are noticing many things: the promises of God, and how He keeps His promises by noticing prophecy fulfilled. :)
My home isn't as neat and organized as I wish it were being home all the time, but I suppose I have to give myself grace because we do have a two month old in the house who takes up a lot of time!
Continued Food Intolerance Issues
The struggle continues with our Little Mister. After 5 weeks on a soy/dairy free diet, we were referred to see a GI Specialist. The soonest appointment we could get was nearly 4 weeks out...I wasn't comfortable waiting that long while my son continued to have blood in his stools. Surely that is proof that something is not right in his body and I didn't want 4 more weeks of potential damage to simply continue.
I polled both sides of our family for their problematic foods. The list was so incredibly long! I spent hours researching his potential diagnosis of FPIES (Food Protein Induced Entercolitis Syndrome) and other related diagnosis like Allergy Proctocolitis and MSPI (Milk Soy Protein Intolerance). It brought on some stress my hubby felt was unnecessary (he told me to stop internet-diagnosing), but in the long run, I'm glad because now I feel better equipped and more understanding of what issues we have and what they could be later down the road.
I also researched many different ways to do a "Total Elimination Diet" or TED. The typical TED doesn't work for most FPIES babies since rice and oats are the most common triggers. My family has dairy and gluten issues as well as poultry intolerances. So I came up with my own TED and am on day 6 of it.
My diet has been trimmed down to the mere basics of: Quinoa, Apples, Bananas, Pork, Kale, Squash and Coconut. I haven't been purely strict to those, I have allowed myself maple sugar, cinnamon, garlic, onion, thyme and rosemary so that I can have some different flavors at least!
Day 4 saw my son's bloody stools disappear. His diapers look more and more normal every day. Prior to this diet, he had symptoms of "Silent Reflux", now it seems to be more pronounced reflux with more frequent spit ups. I don't know if that is part of his body adjusting to the diet changes, or if the doctor might suggest I swap out one of my TED foods for something else.
I polled both sides of our family for their problematic foods. The list was so incredibly long! I spent hours researching his potential diagnosis of FPIES (Food Protein Induced Entercolitis Syndrome) and other related diagnosis like Allergy Proctocolitis and MSPI (Milk Soy Protein Intolerance). It brought on some stress my hubby felt was unnecessary (he told me to stop internet-diagnosing), but in the long run, I'm glad because now I feel better equipped and more understanding of what issues we have and what they could be later down the road.
I also researched many different ways to do a "Total Elimination Diet" or TED. The typical TED doesn't work for most FPIES babies since rice and oats are the most common triggers. My family has dairy and gluten issues as well as poultry intolerances. So I came up with my own TED and am on day 6 of it.
My diet has been trimmed down to the mere basics of: Quinoa, Apples, Bananas, Pork, Kale, Squash and Coconut. I haven't been purely strict to those, I have allowed myself maple sugar, cinnamon, garlic, onion, thyme and rosemary so that I can have some different flavors at least!
Day 4 saw my son's bloody stools disappear. His diapers look more and more normal every day. Prior to this diet, he had symptoms of "Silent Reflux", now it seems to be more pronounced reflux with more frequent spit ups. I don't know if that is part of his body adjusting to the diet changes, or if the doctor might suggest I swap out one of my TED foods for something else.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Homeschool - one week done!
Our first venture into homeschooling wasn't too bad. We had three days of school and one day on a field trip! The more structured school work went pretty well. The kids like having a "to-do" list and goals to accomplish. The less structured activities presented more of a challenge with behavior issues, I hadn't expected.
A comment many homeschooling parents have told us proves to be true already. Character and behavior lessons are much more important than academics...the academics will come, but not as smoothly when there are character/behavior challenges to overcome!
Basically, the kids and I need to develop more of an understanding of school time with mom vs. regular life with mom. At a typical school, they leave the home atmosphere and transition into a different environment with a different authority figure called "teacher". Mom as teacher in the same environment as home, doesn't have the same obvious cues to expected behaviors.
On the plus side, we finished school by lunch time most days. That was wonderful! And I really enjoyed being able to have a set time for bible devotions with them. They really enjoyed the activities we did that were hands-on and group oriented. The adventure continues this coming week...our first week of five full days of plain school (no field trips or holidays).
A comment many homeschooling parents have told us proves to be true already. Character and behavior lessons are much more important than academics...the academics will come, but not as smoothly when there are character/behavior challenges to overcome!
Basically, the kids and I need to develop more of an understanding of school time with mom vs. regular life with mom. At a typical school, they leave the home atmosphere and transition into a different environment with a different authority figure called "teacher". Mom as teacher in the same environment as home, doesn't have the same obvious cues to expected behaviors.
On the plus side, we finished school by lunch time most days. That was wonderful! And I really enjoyed being able to have a set time for bible devotions with them. They really enjoyed the activities we did that were hands-on and group oriented. The adventure continues this coming week...our first week of five full days of plain school (no field trips or holidays).
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Diets, Weightloss, and Food Intolerances!
Life is always interesting, that's for sure! Little Mister developed an intolerance to dairy and soy proteins ...at least I hope that's all it is. At about 3 weeks old he started having blood in his stools, just a few red spots or streaks with mucous. As a breastfeeding momma, I'm now on a dairy free and soy free diet.
It's an interesting turn of events. Most of my extended family on my side follows much stricter and healthier eating habits than I do. I never thought I'd have the will power or desire to ever try...I enjoy my processed foods! However, my son's health is an excellent motivator and I don't want to pay the high price for the specialty formulas (costing up to $400 per month according to my sister in law).
The dairy is easier to cut out than the soy, simply because nearly everything in the normal grocery stores seems to have some sort of soy in it. Several restaurants are really good at listing which menu items have soy, but they don't include the soy oils. I guess soy oils are not as likely to be an allergen, but they are a possible one. I haven't completely cut them out of my diet, but I try not to eat them if possible. The one restaurant that seems to be safe is Chipotle! They don't use soy oils to cook with at all! Instead of only a couple menu items that are safe to eat, there are only a couple I can't have. That was exciting to find!
Physically, I've been losing weight quickly. I'm sure partially because of the extreme swelling I had while pregnant. All that swelling is gone and my middle continues to shrink. It's like my body is reversing the weight loss of pregnancy. I took 9 months to gain it all, and now it's coming off little by little. I've lost over 30 pound in 3.5 weeks, but it is slowing down now. I still have 11 pounds to go to reach my pre-pregnancy weight, and even then I was wanting to lose10-20 pounds of previous baby weight gained. So I'm interested to see exactly how much comes off easily and what decides to stick around and make me work to get rid of it. My new diet cuts out a lot of fat I used to eat, maybe that will help too.
I do plan on getting back into shape. I want some tone back in my body. I don't need to be totally fit or muscular, but I don't like the lack of strength and additional aches that come with being out of shape. It'll be another interesting thing to see how easy/difficult those goals will be as a stay-home mom and a homeschool mom. :)
It's an interesting turn of events. Most of my extended family on my side follows much stricter and healthier eating habits than I do. I never thought I'd have the will power or desire to ever try...I enjoy my processed foods! However, my son's health is an excellent motivator and I don't want to pay the high price for the specialty formulas (costing up to $400 per month according to my sister in law).
The dairy is easier to cut out than the soy, simply because nearly everything in the normal grocery stores seems to have some sort of soy in it. Several restaurants are really good at listing which menu items have soy, but they don't include the soy oils. I guess soy oils are not as likely to be an allergen, but they are a possible one. I haven't completely cut them out of my diet, but I try not to eat them if possible. The one restaurant that seems to be safe is Chipotle! They don't use soy oils to cook with at all! Instead of only a couple menu items that are safe to eat, there are only a couple I can't have. That was exciting to find!
Physically, I've been losing weight quickly. I'm sure partially because of the extreme swelling I had while pregnant. All that swelling is gone and my middle continues to shrink. It's like my body is reversing the weight loss of pregnancy. I took 9 months to gain it all, and now it's coming off little by little. I've lost over 30 pound in 3.5 weeks, but it is slowing down now. I still have 11 pounds to go to reach my pre-pregnancy weight, and even then I was wanting to lose10-20 pounds of previous baby weight gained. So I'm interested to see exactly how much comes off easily and what decides to stick around and make me work to get rid of it. My new diet cuts out a lot of fat I used to eat, maybe that will help too.
I do plan on getting back into shape. I want some tone back in my body. I don't need to be totally fit or muscular, but I don't like the lack of strength and additional aches that come with being out of shape. It'll be another interesting thing to see how easy/difficult those goals will be as a stay-home mom and a homeschool mom. :)
Sunday, August 14, 2016
C-Section Delivery & Recovery
As scary as it was to think of undergoing major abdominal surgery, it truly was not so terrible.
We arrived at the hospital two hours prior to the scheduled surgery - I wasn't allowed to eat anything since supper the night before. The nurse started my IV and took bloodwork to double check my blood type and be ready for surgery what-ifs. They checked my vitals, had me change into the beautiful gown and basically Hubby and I hung out in the "triage" room waiting and answering questions from the different nurses and doctors that came in to say "hi" and introduce which part of the surgery team they were on. It was a large group of people -more than I had imagined. There was my OB doctor and her resident, their nurses and assistants. There was the anesthesia team doctor and her resident and assistants. Then the team for the baby and his nurses. After all the people Hubby got to change into his surgery costume (a full body blue suit with hair cover, shoe covers, and mask for his beard). I drank a nasty unflavored Alka-Seltzer to help prevent nausea.
My hubby got to stay with me until it was time to go into the operating room and do the spinal block. I walked into the OR, they helped me to sit on the operating table -which was much skinnier than I had imagined, only wide enough for my body. A nurse helped me sit hunched over while the resident administered the spinal block, it was a pinch for the numbing agent. It made me flinch physically, but otherwise didn't hurt. I felt the spinal block, but not any pain. When they finished, they immediately swung my feet onto the table and helped me lay down. My hubby couldn't join me in the OR until they were sure the spinal block worked. If by chance it didn't work, they would have to put me completely under and then he wouldn't be allowed to be in the OR at all. Thankfully, it worked! The only issue was that the doctors were busy doing their checklists to get the surgery done, instead of checking my sensitivity to pain, so Hubby ended up waiting a long 15 minutes to join me.
When things were finally ready to begin, my arms were placed "crucifixion" style on the wings of the operating table, but not tied down. The clear drape was put in place over my chest with a removable blue cover so I didn't see the actual surgery process. I could hear the doctor's talking, feel the tugging and pulling at my abdomen as they opened me up. It seemed to take a while, but eventually they were ready to deliver baby and removed the cover so I could see! They quickly pulled him out and showed me his whole little body -boy parts and all (I guess that's customary in case parents didn't know what the sex was prior to delivery). Then almost as quickly they whisked him back away. Then I they helped me do skin-to-skin time with him. He had his little hat on and because the drape was so high up on me, it was hard to get a focused view of him. His face was too close for me to see well, but I tried! Then we tried nursing and he nursed right away! He was grunting and crying and then nursing. A special time to bond while they completed the surgery.
Afterwards, they rolled me onto a body board and moved me onto a regular hospital bed. I had oxygen tubes in my nose (placed there during surgery) and they moved me to the recovery room. It had space for four beds, but I was the only patient in there, so all of our family members could join us! It was nice getting to hang out with family. Hubby got to trim the umbilical cord with a scalpel (he says it cut much nicer than the scissors they usually give you do). I was out of it, I was sleepy and the nurses kept telling me to breath deeply because my oxygen levels were going down when I had shallower breaths. I tried, but kept falling asleep and then they'd come back and wake me up to tell me to breath deep again...I found it quite annoying and frustrating, but I understood it was necessary and they were simply doing their job. I don't think I realized it was part of the recovery process for me.
Eventually I passed whatever tests they were doing on me to be able to leave recovery and we waited for a room to come available. It surprised me how busy we were each day. It seemed like there was never time to enjoy even one movie without interruptions. Someone was always coming in... whether it was family visiting, the room service people bringing food, the assistants checking my vital signs, the nurses giving me medications or checking on my progress, or the doctors doing their rounds. I didn't mind it all, but it surprised me how little time we actually had to relax.
We stayed in the hospital a full 3 days. I almost went home a little early, but was nervous about being on my own, especially after I had fainted after a too-warm shower. Luckily, I had called my husband to help me when I started feeling light headed and he caught me before I fell. Then he pulled the "help" cord and I woke up surrounded by 4-5 nurses all helping me and talking to me. The alcohol swab they stuck under my nose helped the most. In addition to the requirements of having to be able to walk myself around, I had to be able to pass gas and pee on my own. Farting was easy, but I was surprised to find that it was difficult to relax my body to pee. The nurse explained that sometimes it was a protective response to prevent any pain, and while I didn't feel any pain, my body was anticipating it somehow. When I did finally pee, I filled that whole "hat" thing they put in the toilet to measure my output. They told me what a good job I did. I thought, well, you wait a full day to pee and see how much you output! I wasn't so impressed.
Our older kiddos got to come visit us once or twice each day and it was nice to get to see them, and a blessing to know they were having fun with other family members. The baby nursed well, and did a good job of passing all the sticky tar poops for his daddy to clean up! ;)
The worst part of the whole experience was when we were discharged. We had to go to the pharmacy to get my pain medications and it took over an hour and a half to get them. The line was terribly long and they only had one cashier. My husband was livid and I was miserable, just out of the hospital with a newborn. By the time we left, my pain meds from that morning had run out and I was needing to take more. I filed a complaint with the hospital for that. No surgery patient should ever have to deal with that issue. If you ever find yourself a surgery patient and need to get your pharmacy pain meds from the hospital after discharge...make sure your discharging nurse confirms with the pharmacy that the meds are completely ready for pick-up before you complete discharge paperwork. That way, if they are behind, you can stay in the comfy hospital bed with access to medications until yours are ready for you.
At home I went up the stairs one step at a time, two-footing each step. I sat carefully on the couch, but needed my hubby to help me get back up. My feet still struggled with the swelling several days afterwards, so I still needed to keep my feet up and wear my compression socks. The body binder I had purchased for my post partum care didn't fit, but thankfully the hospital gave me one after I requested it (while we were admitted), and I got to take it home with me. That helped the pain. Again, I was surprised, that most of my pain came from when I was in the car and my Jell-O belly jostled around. Wearing the belly binder helped "hold me in", and reduced that jostling pain. My husband had to care for me and do most everything else around the house for the first few days until I figured out how to get around. Once I figured out what I could manage, I took it easy and enjoyed the time at home with the baby and my hubby. Plus, my mommy came to help out too! Having her there was so nice!
We arrived at the hospital two hours prior to the scheduled surgery - I wasn't allowed to eat anything since supper the night before. The nurse started my IV and took bloodwork to double check my blood type and be ready for surgery what-ifs. They checked my vitals, had me change into the beautiful gown and basically Hubby and I hung out in the "triage" room waiting and answering questions from the different nurses and doctors that came in to say "hi" and introduce which part of the surgery team they were on. It was a large group of people -more than I had imagined. There was my OB doctor and her resident, their nurses and assistants. There was the anesthesia team doctor and her resident and assistants. Then the team for the baby and his nurses. After all the people Hubby got to change into his surgery costume (a full body blue suit with hair cover, shoe covers, and mask for his beard). I drank a nasty unflavored Alka-Seltzer to help prevent nausea.
My hubby got to stay with me until it was time to go into the operating room and do the spinal block. I walked into the OR, they helped me to sit on the operating table -which was much skinnier than I had imagined, only wide enough for my body. A nurse helped me sit hunched over while the resident administered the spinal block, it was a pinch for the numbing agent. It made me flinch physically, but otherwise didn't hurt. I felt the spinal block, but not any pain. When they finished, they immediately swung my feet onto the table and helped me lay down. My hubby couldn't join me in the OR until they were sure the spinal block worked. If by chance it didn't work, they would have to put me completely under and then he wouldn't be allowed to be in the OR at all. Thankfully, it worked! The only issue was that the doctors were busy doing their checklists to get the surgery done, instead of checking my sensitivity to pain, so Hubby ended up waiting a long 15 minutes to join me.
When things were finally ready to begin, my arms were placed "crucifixion" style on the wings of the operating table, but not tied down. The clear drape was put in place over my chest with a removable blue cover so I didn't see the actual surgery process. I could hear the doctor's talking, feel the tugging and pulling at my abdomen as they opened me up. It seemed to take a while, but eventually they were ready to deliver baby and removed the cover so I could see! They quickly pulled him out and showed me his whole little body -boy parts and all (I guess that's customary in case parents didn't know what the sex was prior to delivery). Then almost as quickly they whisked him back away. Then I they helped me do skin-to-skin time with him. He had his little hat on and because the drape was so high up on me, it was hard to get a focused view of him. His face was too close for me to see well, but I tried! Then we tried nursing and he nursed right away! He was grunting and crying and then nursing. A special time to bond while they completed the surgery.
Afterwards, they rolled me onto a body board and moved me onto a regular hospital bed. I had oxygen tubes in my nose (placed there during surgery) and they moved me to the recovery room. It had space for four beds, but I was the only patient in there, so all of our family members could join us! It was nice getting to hang out with family. Hubby got to trim the umbilical cord with a scalpel (he says it cut much nicer than the scissors they usually give you do). I was out of it, I was sleepy and the nurses kept telling me to breath deeply because my oxygen levels were going down when I had shallower breaths. I tried, but kept falling asleep and then they'd come back and wake me up to tell me to breath deep again...I found it quite annoying and frustrating, but I understood it was necessary and they were simply doing their job. I don't think I realized it was part of the recovery process for me.
Eventually I passed whatever tests they were doing on me to be able to leave recovery and we waited for a room to come available. It surprised me how busy we were each day. It seemed like there was never time to enjoy even one movie without interruptions. Someone was always coming in... whether it was family visiting, the room service people bringing food, the assistants checking my vital signs, the nurses giving me medications or checking on my progress, or the doctors doing their rounds. I didn't mind it all, but it surprised me how little time we actually had to relax.
We stayed in the hospital a full 3 days. I almost went home a little early, but was nervous about being on my own, especially after I had fainted after a too-warm shower. Luckily, I had called my husband to help me when I started feeling light headed and he caught me before I fell. Then he pulled the "help" cord and I woke up surrounded by 4-5 nurses all helping me and talking to me. The alcohol swab they stuck under my nose helped the most. In addition to the requirements of having to be able to walk myself around, I had to be able to pass gas and pee on my own. Farting was easy, but I was surprised to find that it was difficult to relax my body to pee. The nurse explained that sometimes it was a protective response to prevent any pain, and while I didn't feel any pain, my body was anticipating it somehow. When I did finally pee, I filled that whole "hat" thing they put in the toilet to measure my output. They told me what a good job I did. I thought, well, you wait a full day to pee and see how much you output! I wasn't so impressed.
Our older kiddos got to come visit us once or twice each day and it was nice to get to see them, and a blessing to know they were having fun with other family members. The baby nursed well, and did a good job of passing all the sticky tar poops for his daddy to clean up! ;)
The worst part of the whole experience was when we were discharged. We had to go to the pharmacy to get my pain medications and it took over an hour and a half to get them. The line was terribly long and they only had one cashier. My husband was livid and I was miserable, just out of the hospital with a newborn. By the time we left, my pain meds from that morning had run out and I was needing to take more. I filed a complaint with the hospital for that. No surgery patient should ever have to deal with that issue. If you ever find yourself a surgery patient and need to get your pharmacy pain meds from the hospital after discharge...make sure your discharging nurse confirms with the pharmacy that the meds are completely ready for pick-up before you complete discharge paperwork. That way, if they are behind, you can stay in the comfy hospital bed with access to medications until yours are ready for you.
At home I went up the stairs one step at a time, two-footing each step. I sat carefully on the couch, but needed my hubby to help me get back up. My feet still struggled with the swelling several days afterwards, so I still needed to keep my feet up and wear my compression socks. The body binder I had purchased for my post partum care didn't fit, but thankfully the hospital gave me one after I requested it (while we were admitted), and I got to take it home with me. That helped the pain. Again, I was surprised, that most of my pain came from when I was in the car and my Jell-O belly jostled around. Wearing the belly binder helped "hold me in", and reduced that jostling pain. My husband had to care for me and do most everything else around the house for the first few days until I figured out how to get around. Once I figured out what I could manage, I took it easy and enjoyed the time at home with the baby and my hubby. Plus, my mommy came to help out too! Having her there was so nice!
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Delivery Options
The appointment to do the membrane sweep was a bust. The doctor did another quick ultrasound to check on measurements and the baby continues to grow, potentially already 9-10 pounds, still meeting the estimation of 10.5 pounds as guessed in our previous ultrasound.
The doctor was very concerned that a natural delivery would be too risky for the baby and potentially my own health. She was open about all the options, and the choice was up to us ultimately...but hearing the risks, we are going to stay safe and agreed to do a C-section rather than risk harm to myself or the baby. No membrane sweep, because baby still is developing through the 39th week and they prefer not to do a C-section before that timeframe unless I do go into labor on my own.
These were the possibilities the doctor gave us:
1. Ultrasounds are not perfect and can be up to 20% off in either direction -meaning that the baby could be a larger 8 pound baby up to 11 pounds at birth. If on the bigger size, that is where the risk comes in.
2. Baby could deliver naturally if on the smaller size, but from feeling him in my belly and the ultrasounds, the doctor doubts this possibility. Plus when she checked me, his head was in the pelvis, but she could push it in and out due to the high amount of fluid, he may not descend as needed to do a natural delivery.
3. If on the bigger side, baby could get stuck in the birth canal. That is where the risk comes in for shoulder dystocia. Meaning his head might deliver fine, but the shoulders and/or abdomen get stuck.
If that should happen, that is when the risks start adding up quickly. Once the head is delivered, the umbilical cord is compressed and they have about 2-minutes to get the baby out before oxygen deprivation begins.
a. They would then try moving the baby to get the shoulders out. If that doesn't work, they break one of the baby's collar bones risking a lung puncture, but hopefully allowing the baby to be delivered.
b. If that still doesn't work, they would break the second collarbone risking another lung puncture to try and deliver the baby.
c. If all else fails, they would then push the baby back in through the birth canal and into the uterus for an emergency C-section. The whole process could cause severe tearing for me, not even addressing the additional pain and suffering of myself and the baby.
Yes, I could opt to still attempt a natural birth in hopes that the ultrasound is incorrect. However, in the past five years, I have known 4 births that ended in the baby's death, as well as babies born with shoulder dystocia who needed physical therapy and other helps to recover from their difficult delivery. Our baby's survival and well-being is more important than whatever birth method delivers our baby. So a C-section it is...let the preparations begin.
The doctor was very concerned that a natural delivery would be too risky for the baby and potentially my own health. She was open about all the options, and the choice was up to us ultimately...but hearing the risks, we are going to stay safe and agreed to do a C-section rather than risk harm to myself or the baby. No membrane sweep, because baby still is developing through the 39th week and they prefer not to do a C-section before that timeframe unless I do go into labor on my own.
These were the possibilities the doctor gave us:
1. Ultrasounds are not perfect and can be up to 20% off in either direction -meaning that the baby could be a larger 8 pound baby up to 11 pounds at birth. If on the bigger size, that is where the risk comes in.
2. Baby could deliver naturally if on the smaller size, but from feeling him in my belly and the ultrasounds, the doctor doubts this possibility. Plus when she checked me, his head was in the pelvis, but she could push it in and out due to the high amount of fluid, he may not descend as needed to do a natural delivery.
3. If on the bigger side, baby could get stuck in the birth canal. That is where the risk comes in for shoulder dystocia. Meaning his head might deliver fine, but the shoulders and/or abdomen get stuck.
If that should happen, that is when the risks start adding up quickly. Once the head is delivered, the umbilical cord is compressed and they have about 2-minutes to get the baby out before oxygen deprivation begins.
a. They would then try moving the baby to get the shoulders out. If that doesn't work, they break one of the baby's collar bones risking a lung puncture, but hopefully allowing the baby to be delivered.
b. If that still doesn't work, they would break the second collarbone risking another lung puncture to try and deliver the baby.
c. If all else fails, they would then push the baby back in through the birth canal and into the uterus for an emergency C-section. The whole process could cause severe tearing for me, not even addressing the additional pain and suffering of myself and the baby.
Yes, I could opt to still attempt a natural birth in hopes that the ultrasound is incorrect. However, in the past five years, I have known 4 births that ended in the baby's death, as well as babies born with shoulder dystocia who needed physical therapy and other helps to recover from their difficult delivery. Our baby's survival and well-being is more important than whatever birth method delivers our baby. So a C-section it is...let the preparations begin.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Update
Grief over my former co-worker's death is still in process. I know she is in Heaven without a doubt and not being close to her, I don't really miss her...sorry if that sounds heartless, it wasn't intended that way. I hurt for her family. My thoughts are filled with what they must be going through. Especially her daughter, they were very close, and to be dealing with severe injuries and surgery without your mom must be awful. Life changes without warning sometimes.
In other news, I do not have gestational diabetes thankfully. That means they will allow me to attempt a natural birth, although I've been warned that a C-section could still happen depending on how labor progresses. I am scared of surgery mainly because I know it lengthens recovery time and I want so much to get back to my normal self and care for my family the way I would like to.
Being this enormously pregnant, I can't do much at all anymore. I spent most of this past weekend simply keeping my feet up and trying to avoid swelling too much. It really doesn't matter what I do, my feet are just fat. Even just sitting in a regular chair or on the couch, they will balloon up if I don't put them up. My compression socks help a little.
I tried to shave this morning. Ha! I even bought an electric razor, but I could barely reach all of my leg to get the job done. When I sit down, my belly literally is a finger width or two from touching the chair I am sitting on. Huge. Simply huge. Hopefully it is the last time I will need to shave before delivery!
Tomorrow at my OB appointment, the doctor is planning to do a sweep to separate the amniotic sac from the cervix. 50% of the time, it starts labor within 3-days. I sure hope so. I am more than ready to meet this little baby and move on with life again. It seems at a standstill just waiting.
In other news, I do not have gestational diabetes thankfully. That means they will allow me to attempt a natural birth, although I've been warned that a C-section could still happen depending on how labor progresses. I am scared of surgery mainly because I know it lengthens recovery time and I want so much to get back to my normal self and care for my family the way I would like to.
Being this enormously pregnant, I can't do much at all anymore. I spent most of this past weekend simply keeping my feet up and trying to avoid swelling too much. It really doesn't matter what I do, my feet are just fat. Even just sitting in a regular chair or on the couch, they will balloon up if I don't put them up. My compression socks help a little.
I tried to shave this morning. Ha! I even bought an electric razor, but I could barely reach all of my leg to get the job done. When I sit down, my belly literally is a finger width or two from touching the chair I am sitting on. Huge. Simply huge. Hopefully it is the last time I will need to shave before delivery!
Tomorrow at my OB appointment, the doctor is planning to do a sweep to separate the amniotic sac from the cervix. 50% of the time, it starts labor within 3-days. I sure hope so. I am more than ready to meet this little baby and move on with life again. It seems at a standstill just waiting.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Death Unexpected
I just learned a former co-worker of mine passed away this weekend. We weren't close, but worked alongside each other over 10 years. She was a strong woman of God and a dedicated mother.
It's still surreal to believe she's gone. It was a bad car accident I understand, leaving her daughter still in the hospital facing some terrible injuries and her husband who is also injured, but released from the hospital. Her other two children were not with them from what I understand. They are young, but mostly grown children. I think it will take time to comprehend reality. She was young, at most in her early 50's.
It's still surreal to believe she's gone. It was a bad car accident I understand, leaving her daughter still in the hospital facing some terrible injuries and her husband who is also injured, but released from the hospital. Her other two children were not with them from what I understand. They are young, but mostly grown children. I think it will take time to comprehend reality. She was young, at most in her early 50's.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Compassion vs. Wisdom
Going through trials and struggles we learn so many lessons and gain so much wisdom. We learn how to cope. We learn not only to survive, but to thrive. The problem comes when we see someone going through a similar struggle, learning similar lessons in wisdom that we have already learned.
However, having that wisdom of how a person might best fix their problems isn't what helps that person. When someone is facing a struggle, they need your compassion and your love above whatever wisdom you may have to offer.
I remember a client I once had (parent of a child in my program) who found herself facing divorce and restraining orders due to an alcoholic/abusive husband. From my experience dealing with the threat of major life changes in my husband's cancer journey and also a close family member's experience with domestic violence, I was able to relate to this parent.
I shared with her the little tidbits of resources I could in the way of shelters, hotlines, and community support groups. I also assisted her as quickly and efficiently as possible when dealing with the complications of keeping her children safe at our school. Those things helped build a minor relationship connection, but the real connection came when I saw her in person one day and I asked her how she was doing. She didn't quite know how to answer...she'd done her part with lawyers, court orders, and protecting her children. The rest was simply a process to complete. And I was able to understand her struggle to explain and fill in the blank. She was simply "living through it" to the best of her ability. When I made that comment, a tear sparked in her eyes and she gave me a hug. Sometimes just knowing someone else can relate and understand where you are at is more important than all the wisdom in the world of how to make a complicated situation result in a good outcome.
Hurting people need our compassion more than our wisdom. As the saying goes, they don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. We must be the body of Christ first, giving and showing love before offering wisdom and advice. Sometimes we can share our wisdom. Other times, and we must listen to the Holy Spirit for guidance to know the difference, when they need us simply to love them through the journey and allow God to teach them those important lessons in their own time as they are facing their own personal journey through pain.
However, having that wisdom of how a person might best fix their problems isn't what helps that person. When someone is facing a struggle, they need your compassion and your love above whatever wisdom you may have to offer.
I remember a client I once had (parent of a child in my program) who found herself facing divorce and restraining orders due to an alcoholic/abusive husband. From my experience dealing with the threat of major life changes in my husband's cancer journey and also a close family member's experience with domestic violence, I was able to relate to this parent.
I shared with her the little tidbits of resources I could in the way of shelters, hotlines, and community support groups. I also assisted her as quickly and efficiently as possible when dealing with the complications of keeping her children safe at our school. Those things helped build a minor relationship connection, but the real connection came when I saw her in person one day and I asked her how she was doing. She didn't quite know how to answer...she'd done her part with lawyers, court orders, and protecting her children. The rest was simply a process to complete. And I was able to understand her struggle to explain and fill in the blank. She was simply "living through it" to the best of her ability. When I made that comment, a tear sparked in her eyes and she gave me a hug. Sometimes just knowing someone else can relate and understand where you are at is more important than all the wisdom in the world of how to make a complicated situation result in a good outcome.
Hurting people need our compassion more than our wisdom. As the saying goes, they don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. We must be the body of Christ first, giving and showing love before offering wisdom and advice. Sometimes we can share our wisdom. Other times, and we must listen to the Holy Spirit for guidance to know the difference, when they need us simply to love them through the journey and allow God to teach them those important lessons in their own time as they are facing their own personal journey through pain.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Pregnancy Update
Nine months pregnant and officially full term today at 37 weeks. My doctor has told me that they won't let me go past 39 weeks due to my last ultrasound that showed a large baby and generous amniotic fluid. So, two weeks and counting.
I'm not sure if the house is fully prepared, but I'm fast approaching the "I don't care" mentality as my belly continues to grow past the typical 40 week size. I haven't seen my belly button for weeks and simply sitting down or standing up is such a challenge -let alone doing housework. I am truly enormous. My legs, hands, and feet swell constantly anymore. Normal grocery shopping now includes coming home halfway through to put my feet up and completing the shopping with a second trip.
This week I go in for a four-hour fasting glucose test...meaning I don't eat anything after dinner until I complete the test the following morning. I will go in first thing in the morning to drink two wonderfully nasty glucose drinks and endure four different blood draws to test how my body reacts. Not looking forward to that experience at all!
Being this late into pregnancy if I do have gestational diabetes, not much can be done for it, but it will directly impact delivery options. My baby is measuring very large. He could simply be a long baby, but if he is a diabetes baby, he could be short and fat, meaning delivery may be dangerous to attempt naturally. A diagnosis of diabetes would most likely mean a planned C-section.
I'm not one of those women who need to have a natural birth to feel like I'm a good mom...I've had two wonderful births already and this pregnancy has been such a challenge, I only want a healthy baby -no matter what I have to endure to get there. That said, major surgery is scary too. God knows and He will carry me through whatever the end result is. Thank you for your prayers in advance!
I'm not sure if the house is fully prepared, but I'm fast approaching the "I don't care" mentality as my belly continues to grow past the typical 40 week size. I haven't seen my belly button for weeks and simply sitting down or standing up is such a challenge -let alone doing housework. I am truly enormous. My legs, hands, and feet swell constantly anymore. Normal grocery shopping now includes coming home halfway through to put my feet up and completing the shopping with a second trip.
This week I go in for a four-hour fasting glucose test...meaning I don't eat anything after dinner until I complete the test the following morning. I will go in first thing in the morning to drink two wonderfully nasty glucose drinks and endure four different blood draws to test how my body reacts. Not looking forward to that experience at all!
Being this late into pregnancy if I do have gestational diabetes, not much can be done for it, but it will directly impact delivery options. My baby is measuring very large. He could simply be a long baby, but if he is a diabetes baby, he could be short and fat, meaning delivery may be dangerous to attempt naturally. A diagnosis of diabetes would most likely mean a planned C-section.
I'm not one of those women who need to have a natural birth to feel like I'm a good mom...I've had two wonderful births already and this pregnancy has been such a challenge, I only want a healthy baby -no matter what I have to endure to get there. That said, major surgery is scary too. God knows and He will carry me through whatever the end result is. Thank you for your prayers in advance!
Monday, June 27, 2016
Update
It's been over three weeks since my last post. Life has been busy; busier than I thought it could be as a stay-home-mom.
We've been practicing homeschooling for several reasons. One to get to know my children's skill levels, two to learn how the online system works, and three to have a routine in place for when we implement a full schedule of schooling versus a few classes. We also have a bible time each morning after breakfast and they are enjoying reading their own bibles and learning more. So far it is going well, it only requires a little preparation time on my part and the girls are loving it!
We've also been trying to do a field trip each week as well as a trip to the library and grocery shopping during the week to free up our weekends and evenings for family time with daddy.
A minor plumbing block ended up ruining our basement carpet in May, so we've spent a good amount of time making phone calls, getting quotes, and finally, finally! we will be replacing our flooring this coming week. Our whole basement is empty -meaning the rest of the house has to absorb the additional furniture and misc. items we used to store there. I haven't had a chance to work on the baby's nursery yet. It is currently doubling as a toy room and play area for our girls.
My hubby and his father fixed our air conditioner -we had survived the first two weeks of summer without any! Being 8 months pregnant made that a bit challenging, but we made it! They also removed a dead tree from our backyard, and it will be a few weeks to get all the branches out to the curb for the trash company to take away.
The girls impressively passed a two-week session of swimming lessons...another challenge to sit in the humidity of the indoor pool as big as I am! This pregnancy I am definitely much warmer than usual! They brushed up on their skills and gained more confidence. It's amazing how prettily they can swim when swimming for their instructors! They certainly put more effort into their skills when trying to impress someone else. :0)
One month down, one more to go until baby arrives, and then the final month of summer will be adjusting and prepping to be a stay-home-mom of three!
We've been practicing homeschooling for several reasons. One to get to know my children's skill levels, two to learn how the online system works, and three to have a routine in place for when we implement a full schedule of schooling versus a few classes. We also have a bible time each morning after breakfast and they are enjoying reading their own bibles and learning more. So far it is going well, it only requires a little preparation time on my part and the girls are loving it!
We've also been trying to do a field trip each week as well as a trip to the library and grocery shopping during the week to free up our weekends and evenings for family time with daddy.
A minor plumbing block ended up ruining our basement carpet in May, so we've spent a good amount of time making phone calls, getting quotes, and finally, finally! we will be replacing our flooring this coming week. Our whole basement is empty -meaning the rest of the house has to absorb the additional furniture and misc. items we used to store there. I haven't had a chance to work on the baby's nursery yet. It is currently doubling as a toy room and play area for our girls.
My hubby and his father fixed our air conditioner -we had survived the first two weeks of summer without any! Being 8 months pregnant made that a bit challenging, but we made it! They also removed a dead tree from our backyard, and it will be a few weeks to get all the branches out to the curb for the trash company to take away.
The girls impressively passed a two-week session of swimming lessons...another challenge to sit in the humidity of the indoor pool as big as I am! This pregnancy I am definitely much warmer than usual! They brushed up on their skills and gained more confidence. It's amazing how prettily they can swim when swimming for their instructors! They certainly put more effort into their skills when trying to impress someone else. :0)
One month down, one more to go until baby arrives, and then the final month of summer will be adjusting and prepping to be a stay-home-mom of three!
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Pain of the Past - God's Amazing Work
Dealing with painful memories isn't any fun. Thirteen years with a previous employer, there are so many people I love and I don't want to fully leave them behind me. At the same time, it is hard to walk into that building again (had to be there to pick up some important paperwork). Most are pleased to see me and I am just as thrilled to see them. A few avoid me like the plague and remind me of the pain and also how much my life has changed in just a year.
A year ago, I was in a job that was outside of my God-given gifting, and terrified of the prospect of leaving even though I knew things were not working. I didn't realize it at the time, but the words of prophesy that my charismatic friend had spoken into my life two years prior were coming true. He had told me God would move me out of my job into a position that brought more joy. He had told me I would have a son. He told me that somehow I would care for babies, but he didn't know where.
The process has been incredibly painful, and God did exactly what He said He would and moved me from that job and brought me to a job where I had more joy and I was caring for infants. It wasn't until I became pregnant with this third little one that I remembered those words of prophesy...I have a son, coming soon!
It is amazing to know just how much God has changed my life, and in ways I never would have imagined. The painful memories hurt when they are brought back up. They bring a little less of a sting each time, but they aren't fun all the same. I wish I could share all that God has done with them, and learn what God has done in their lives too. However, I will try to simply be thankful for what I have and let God handle the things out of my control. He always knows best.
A year ago, I was in a job that was outside of my God-given gifting, and terrified of the prospect of leaving even though I knew things were not working. I didn't realize it at the time, but the words of prophesy that my charismatic friend had spoken into my life two years prior were coming true. He had told me God would move me out of my job into a position that brought more joy. He had told me I would have a son. He told me that somehow I would care for babies, but he didn't know where.
The process has been incredibly painful, and God did exactly what He said He would and moved me from that job and brought me to a job where I had more joy and I was caring for infants. It wasn't until I became pregnant with this third little one that I remembered those words of prophesy...I have a son, coming soon!
It is amazing to know just how much God has changed my life, and in ways I never would have imagined. The painful memories hurt when they are brought back up. They bring a little less of a sting each time, but they aren't fun all the same. I wish I could share all that God has done with them, and learn what God has done in their lives too. However, I will try to simply be thankful for what I have and let God handle the things out of my control. He always knows best.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Mawwaige and wuv. Twoo wuv.
My hubby recently asked me what the biggest lesson I have learned over the course of our nearly 17 year marriage. His answer was much funnier than mine and more to be silly like the goof he is. :0)
Marrying before we were legally allowed to drink alcohol, and having been together for closer to 20 years now, we have been through a lot. Aside from putting God first, the biggest lesson I've learned is that marriage is not about me. Marriage is about us...you and your spouse as one unified couple.
What I mean is that marriage requires a certain sacrifice of self. Life does not revolve around your singular desires and goals. Marriage takes teamwork. Marriage takes compromise. When making decisions, the thought isn't "what do I want?" The thought is "what is best for us?" What decision has the best outcome for us as a married couple? What is best for our family? What decision matches our goals and needs?
Marriage truly does mean to become one with your spouse. Not just in a spiritual way, although that is key. It is letting go of selfishness for the one you love. The one you have chosen to love for life. Marriage is a choice. Love is a choice. Commitment to each other is a choice and requires thoughtful care and relentless effort. Happily ever after doesn't happen by itself.
There are many trials and difficulties throughout a marriage no matter who you are. Sin, selfishness, differing perspectives/beliefs and unmet expectations will happen. How you deal with those issues directly effects your marriage relationship.
Trusting God and seeking Him individually is how I have moved past many rough patches in our marriage. There are times when it seems we are at an impasse, or feelings have been deeply hurt and anger abounds. At those times, it is easy to think about quitting and not trying anymore - but that is only the world's way of dealing with struggle. Not God's way.
For my husband and I, we agreed in the beginning that divorce was not an option. It isn't even a word in our vocabulary or a word I allow myself to even think when we are dealing with relationship challenges. (As a minor disclaimer, I'm not talking about abusive behavior in a marriage. That is an entirely different set of difficulties I do not feel qualified to address.) There are times when you don't feel "in love" anymore. There are times when your spouse fails you and it hurts. There are times when you fail your spouse and hurt them. Choosing to love. Acting out of love. Learning to forgive. Communicating with your spouse, praying, and looking to God for wisdom and guidance are so important!
There are also times of personal struggle, when it is tempting to withdraw and cope alone. Nothing in marriage is ever accomplished alone. Yes, there is a place where you must individually cope between you and the Lord with struggles. Remember, there is more than just you in a marriage. When challenges arise (such as cancer in our life), you must also learn to cope together. Share your hurts and fears. Be vulnerable with each other. Support and care for each other. How you cope as a couple directly effects the outcome of any struggle. Grow together through difficulty.
Being married and loving my husband for this many years, our relationship has deepened into something that my starry-eyed romantic teenage self could never have comprehended. We are older, a bit more wiser. We are not the same people we were when we started our life together. Our bodies are no longer youthful. Our love is not the impassioned roller coaster of young love and infatuation. It is steady. A deep and flowing river. Love grows admiration and respect. Love grows honor and joy. It's the little things. It's who my husband is as a man. It is who he has become in Christ, as a father to our children, as the man who loves me in his unique way, as the man he is to the rest of the world. It is so many things and I am grateful for all of it. As our anniversary approaches, I am thankful and look forward to many more years as God allows.
Marrying before we were legally allowed to drink alcohol, and having been together for closer to 20 years now, we have been through a lot. Aside from putting God first, the biggest lesson I've learned is that marriage is not about me. Marriage is about us...you and your spouse as one unified couple.
What I mean is that marriage requires a certain sacrifice of self. Life does not revolve around your singular desires and goals. Marriage takes teamwork. Marriage takes compromise. When making decisions, the thought isn't "what do I want?" The thought is "what is best for us?" What decision has the best outcome for us as a married couple? What is best for our family? What decision matches our goals and needs?
Marriage truly does mean to become one with your spouse. Not just in a spiritual way, although that is key. It is letting go of selfishness for the one you love. The one you have chosen to love for life. Marriage is a choice. Love is a choice. Commitment to each other is a choice and requires thoughtful care and relentless effort. Happily ever after doesn't happen by itself.
There are many trials and difficulties throughout a marriage no matter who you are. Sin, selfishness, differing perspectives/beliefs and unmet expectations will happen. How you deal with those issues directly effects your marriage relationship.
Trusting God and seeking Him individually is how I have moved past many rough patches in our marriage. There are times when it seems we are at an impasse, or feelings have been deeply hurt and anger abounds. At those times, it is easy to think about quitting and not trying anymore - but that is only the world's way of dealing with struggle. Not God's way.
For my husband and I, we agreed in the beginning that divorce was not an option. It isn't even a word in our vocabulary or a word I allow myself to even think when we are dealing with relationship challenges. (As a minor disclaimer, I'm not talking about abusive behavior in a marriage. That is an entirely different set of difficulties I do not feel qualified to address.) There are times when you don't feel "in love" anymore. There are times when your spouse fails you and it hurts. There are times when you fail your spouse and hurt them. Choosing to love. Acting out of love. Learning to forgive. Communicating with your spouse, praying, and looking to God for wisdom and guidance are so important!
There are also times of personal struggle, when it is tempting to withdraw and cope alone. Nothing in marriage is ever accomplished alone. Yes, there is a place where you must individually cope between you and the Lord with struggles. Remember, there is more than just you in a marriage. When challenges arise (such as cancer in our life), you must also learn to cope together. Share your hurts and fears. Be vulnerable with each other. Support and care for each other. How you cope as a couple directly effects the outcome of any struggle. Grow together through difficulty.
Being married and loving my husband for this many years, our relationship has deepened into something that my starry-eyed romantic teenage self could never have comprehended. We are older, a bit more wiser. We are not the same people we were when we started our life together. Our bodies are no longer youthful. Our love is not the impassioned roller coaster of young love and infatuation. It is steady. A deep and flowing river. Love grows admiration and respect. Love grows honor and joy. It's the little things. It's who my husband is as a man. It is who he has become in Christ, as a father to our children, as the man who loves me in his unique way, as the man he is to the rest of the world. It is so many things and I am grateful for all of it. As our anniversary approaches, I am thankful and look forward to many more years as God allows.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
It's Official!
What an emotional roller coaster! I informed my boss today that I would be leaving my job at the end of the school year next month. I've been in her shoes and I know how hard it is right now to find good people who are qualified to do the job I've been doing. So, my empathetic self felt terrible telling her, but at the same time I am excited and looking forward to the new journey ahead of me!
Officially I am quitting my job to be a stay-at-home mommy for several months. With our recent tax return we were able to pay off all our remaining school loans and with the money we've been saving to pay for childcare, we will be able to afford me to stay home without a job for a while! Eventually, probably sometime after the baby arrives I will need to get a small part time job to help make ends meet...but in the mean time my life-long desire to be a mom and housewife will come true!
We are going to be homeschooling our older children starting this fall and the research and how-to seminars have begun! It is exciting because I love lesson planning and putting curriculum together. It is terrifying because I want to do it well and I know my own personality faults that will create challenges as well as the challenge of introducing a newborn into our lives at the beginning of a school year! Pray for us! I am full of hope and trusting God to lead as I go into this chapter of life!
Officially I am quitting my job to be a stay-at-home mommy for several months. With our recent tax return we were able to pay off all our remaining school loans and with the money we've been saving to pay for childcare, we will be able to afford me to stay home without a job for a while! Eventually, probably sometime after the baby arrives I will need to get a small part time job to help make ends meet...but in the mean time my life-long desire to be a mom and housewife will come true!
We are going to be homeschooling our older children starting this fall and the research and how-to seminars have begun! It is exciting because I love lesson planning and putting curriculum together. It is terrifying because I want to do it well and I know my own personality faults that will create challenges as well as the challenge of introducing a newborn into our lives at the beginning of a school year! Pray for us! I am full of hope and trusting God to lead as I go into this chapter of life!
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Processing Thoughts...Perhaps a little randomly.
Home sick today, feeling thoughtful. So much has changed in less than a year. Life is completely different than it was. I had asked God to make things clear to me, even if it hurt. He did and boy, did it hurt. Grieving the loss of a job and a way of life is a process. I can't say I am necessarily glad for it, but I have definitely learned from it and am glad for where I am now.
I sit here with a cold. Miserable because I can't take any medication due to the baby. A baby I never believed I would have. God's ways and God's answers to our prayers are so much more than we can fathom.
Not only am I pregnant with this miracle baby. But I might actually get to be a stay home mommy for a little while. It all seems too good to be true and so much more than I deserve. I am so thankful that God doesn't just hand us what we deserve.
Man, what changes that can happen in life. Some events I planned had an impact. Other events I had no plan for: cancer, car accidents, job loss, another baby. Some good. Some not. All growing experiences.
I have no clue where God is taking me. I pray that I can honor Him in it all and not get lost inside my limited perspectives.
I sit here with a cold. Miserable because I can't take any medication due to the baby. A baby I never believed I would have. God's ways and God's answers to our prayers are so much more than we can fathom.
Not only am I pregnant with this miracle baby. But I might actually get to be a stay home mommy for a little while. It all seems too good to be true and so much more than I deserve. I am so thankful that God doesn't just hand us what we deserve.
Man, what changes that can happen in life. Some events I planned had an impact. Other events I had no plan for: cancer, car accidents, job loss, another baby. Some good. Some not. All growing experiences.
I have no clue where God is taking me. I pray that I can honor Him in it all and not get lost inside my limited perspectives.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Best Effort
God doesn't need my best effort to make faith work.
You don't accept Christ as Savior and then give Christianity your best effort.
Jesus on the Cross said, "It is Finished."
He didn't say, "My part is finished, now it's your turn..."
I need to let go of my self-effort in trying to make it work and focus on believing the promises in His Word and trusting in the Risen Life of Christ in my life- letting Him work through me.
Sounds so easy. But it is the hardest thing to do, at least for me. I keep coming back to this concept in my faith walk. Will I ever get it?
I remember the first time I tried reading through the bible. I made it through the book of Judges and quit. I got so sick and tired of the stupid Israelites turning away from God...years later, I can see similar patterns in my own life. I'm no better than they were. I continually leave God behind...partially I believe is because I do not seek Him first. Unfortunately He becomes an after-thought or a routine rather than my best friend and my Lord I serve. Forgive me, Lord and teach me!
You don't accept Christ as Savior and then give Christianity your best effort.
Jesus on the Cross said, "It is Finished."
He didn't say, "My part is finished, now it's your turn..."
I need to let go of my self-effort in trying to make it work and focus on believing the promises in His Word and trusting in the Risen Life of Christ in my life- letting Him work through me.
Sounds so easy. But it is the hardest thing to do, at least for me. I keep coming back to this concept in my faith walk. Will I ever get it?
I remember the first time I tried reading through the bible. I made it through the book of Judges and quit. I got so sick and tired of the stupid Israelites turning away from God...years later, I can see similar patterns in my own life. I'm no better than they were. I continually leave God behind...partially I believe is because I do not seek Him first. Unfortunately He becomes an after-thought or a routine rather than my best friend and my Lord I serve. Forgive me, Lord and teach me!
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Me vs. Him
Recently while listening to a radio sermon, the pastor was saying that we fill our lives with "me" and things that serve our goals, our preferences, and our comfort zones. Many times when we want to serve the Lord, we struggle to find time. He suggested that we restructure ways we spend our time and prioritize our activities to have more activities and time that furthers the kingdom of God rather than furthering our own selves.
It was a good sermon and got me thinking. How about you?
It was a good sermon and got me thinking. How about you?
Monday, February 1, 2016
Whoa, Baby!
They always tell you that all pregnancies are different, and now in my third, I can attest to that fact. However, this one is totally different than either of my first two.
This baby, according to the ultrasounds, is located in the back of the womb, and boy do I feel it! I have sporadic pains and sore muscles all over from my sciatic to my lower back and of course my non-existent abs. I haven't experienced the nausea that I had with my two girls, although my super strong gag-reflex is back. In fact, I've only thrown up once and that was due to trying to brush my tongue. However, I do feel poorly if I haven't eaten often or the right nutrition the baby wants. I wonder if this symptom will go away, or if I'll have to deal with it the whole pregnancy.
I don't have specific cravings, but I prefer warm meals rather than the cold lunches I was eating before getting pregnant. I am also absolutely HUGE already...although everyone around me has been very nice about it (thank you!). With my first, I barely showed a baby bump until 6 months along. I am already bigger than that and only 3 months along! I know part of it is the added belly fat I had from my previous two pregnancies. At least it is round like a pregnant belly instead of just floppy...
I'm also already having trouble sleeping with this belly of mine. I think that I am carrying lower than ever before because that pooch is getting in the way and I'm getting ready to go buy myself a wedge pillow to sleep it on!
So far all the genetic testing done due to my "advanced maternal age" has come back negative. That is a relief, and the extra ultrasound was fun! It was neat to see the baby jumping around and moving its arms and legs already. The only kind-a scary part was because the baby is so far back in the womb, it was hard for the Doppler to find the heart beat at my last appointment. The doctor almost called for an immediate ultrasound to make sure it was there...then she found it on her last try. Silly baby!
This baby, according to the ultrasounds, is located in the back of the womb, and boy do I feel it! I have sporadic pains and sore muscles all over from my sciatic to my lower back and of course my non-existent abs. I haven't experienced the nausea that I had with my two girls, although my super strong gag-reflex is back. In fact, I've only thrown up once and that was due to trying to brush my tongue. However, I do feel poorly if I haven't eaten often or the right nutrition the baby wants. I wonder if this symptom will go away, or if I'll have to deal with it the whole pregnancy.
I don't have specific cravings, but I prefer warm meals rather than the cold lunches I was eating before getting pregnant. I am also absolutely HUGE already...although everyone around me has been very nice about it (thank you!). With my first, I barely showed a baby bump until 6 months along. I am already bigger than that and only 3 months along! I know part of it is the added belly fat I had from my previous two pregnancies. At least it is round like a pregnant belly instead of just floppy...
I'm also already having trouble sleeping with this belly of mine. I think that I am carrying lower than ever before because that pooch is getting in the way and I'm getting ready to go buy myself a wedge pillow to sleep it on!
So far all the genetic testing done due to my "advanced maternal age" has come back negative. That is a relief, and the extra ultrasound was fun! It was neat to see the baby jumping around and moving its arms and legs already. The only kind-a scary part was because the baby is so far back in the womb, it was hard for the Doppler to find the heart beat at my last appointment. The doctor almost called for an immediate ultrasound to make sure it was there...then she found it on her last try. Silly baby!
Sunday, January 3, 2016
What child is this?!
Our Christmas season has come and gone, today is the last day of Christmas vacation for us and we're going to see the new Star Wars movie today with family! It was a good relaxing season for us. With fewer demands on our time this year, it didn't become such a stressful time of year that it sometimes can be.
We also learned some exciting, although unexpected news! We are expecting a miracle baby, due next summer! After the cancer doctors repeatedly offering Advanced Reproductive services if we ever decided to pursue conceiving a child, telling us that due to my husband's hormone treatments and chemo therapy history, conception naturally would be near impossible...imagine our surprise to learn that we were pregnant!
I am thankful that all of our family and friends have been very receptive and supportive of us. This new child will change our lives in a big way. It may end up being wiser for me to stay home or work part time rather than pay childcare costs for three children. Our little starter home will need to be reorganized to fit everyone. So many changes, and I am grateful of them all. This little life inside is a much loved and wanted child. Well worth all the changes in our lives he/she may bring.
I am grateful that the Lord considered us worthy of the calling to add another child to our family.
We also learned some exciting, although unexpected news! We are expecting a miracle baby, due next summer! After the cancer doctors repeatedly offering Advanced Reproductive services if we ever decided to pursue conceiving a child, telling us that due to my husband's hormone treatments and chemo therapy history, conception naturally would be near impossible...imagine our surprise to learn that we were pregnant!
I am thankful that all of our family and friends have been very receptive and supportive of us. This new child will change our lives in a big way. It may end up being wiser for me to stay home or work part time rather than pay childcare costs for three children. Our little starter home will need to be reorganized to fit everyone. So many changes, and I am grateful of them all. This little life inside is a much loved and wanted child. Well worth all the changes in our lives he/she may bring.
I am grateful that the Lord considered us worthy of the calling to add another child to our family.
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