Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Glory to God for He is GOOD.

My honey developed pneumonia over Thanksgiving weekend and ended up being admitted to the hospital.  He was allowed to come home yesterday evening and immediately spiked a 104 temp.  I completely lost all peace of mind in the midst of waiting to see if the fever would go down...wondering if I could continue with the night's plan or if our evening would be completely upturned.  The children needed to be fed dinner, they needed to go to bed on time and had school in the morning.  Our youngest is fighting illness, and I wanted to be able to help her heal.  Thankfully the fever decreased and the doctor said we could stay home as long as Tylenol was doing its job and we just need to call the clinic today and speak to his team.

And yet, God is still here.  Providing for us and working in our hearts for our good.  Even in the hardest times, He is there.  When he was in the hospital, a few people commented on how well I was handling it.  It was all God.  I have been learning that I cannot accomplish anything by worrying about it.  There are things that I cannot control and no matter how hard I stress and worry, my efforts only damage my ability to be the woman, wife, mom God has called me to be.  I completely trust God to work all things out to the good of those who love him...and that's me and my family.  Even though I don't see what God is doing at the time, I trust Him fully.

Last night, after all the crazyness, God gave me a glimpse of the wonderful things He has been doing during this past year.  Even though we've been through some of the hardest experiences we may ever face, spiritually it has been one of the best and most productive years in our lives.  Our marriage is growing stronger.  Our faith is deepening.  And it is all to the glory of God.  HE IS AN AWESOME GOD!!!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Chemo Recovery

Chemo recovery is an extremely slow process.  I rejoiced when they told us that we would have no more chemo therapy.  It's been such a long journey.  Recovery is hard because you don't know what to expect aside from the fact that it will take several months to feel "normal" again.  I can't plan for recovery.  It's also hard because I am so ready to be done with cancer and leave it securely in the past.  One day at a time.  One step at a time.

I don't regret this last year.  I don't wish that cancer never came to us.  I've learned so much and I'm grateful for those lessons learned.  I'm not who I once was...and I know that I've still go so much more to learn.  I miss the perfect peace and unshakable confidence I had when we first learned of cancer.  I was walking hanging on to God's hand.  Having the cancer return was as if I stumbled and let go and still haven't quite figured out how to grasp his hand again.  I haven't requested as much prayer as I did the first time around and I've just dealt with the hard times.  That's all I can think of...I have made so many prayer requests this past year, I almost feel like it's someone else's turn and I've taken too many turns.  Yes, I know that is spiritually irrational, but it is how I feel.  So, if you want to lift up a prayer for us, it is much welcome!  :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Falling Down

I find it ironic that my last post was labeled "Living Faith" and this very next post is at one of my low points.  I started back to work full time this week for the first time in what feels like a very long time.  I was working part time at home and part time at work during chemo.  It's been a rough adjustment for me to go back and I'm feeling the stress and weariness hit me.  I work in the typical middle-management role with break time allowed, but rarely taken due to the nature of the job.

Even though we are finished with chemo, my better half is still very, very ill.  I look forward to his health improving, but it is slow going.  We don't even know what the long-term side effects will be yet.  Tonight I am tired of "fighting the good fight."  I'm just plain tired, but haven't gone to bed yet because I'm avoiding the dishes and clutter I need to take care of.

My faith took a blow this week also because I made some bad choices and sinned.  This seems easier to do when I am tired mentally and physically.  I've confessed and asked forgiveness, but I really felt the effect spiritually between me and God.  He's continually teaching me and growing me into a better person, but I still make mistakes and they aren't fun to learn from.  It's amazing how Satan pounces on you once you allow a little sin into your life, even for a moment.  He uses it to condemn you and mentally bash your confidence.  My thoughts have run the gammet from, "I'm so unworthy" to "Why would God even consider using me to serve His people again"  If I didn't know the promises in His word, I might fall prey to those condemning thoughts...and, even though I do know His promises, those thoughts hurt and I have to battle against them.  I am just praying for God to give me His perspective, a view from outside myself.  I know that this is only a step of my journey and with God, I can overcome anything.

...It's about an hour later than my above writing. I was reading through a blog of someone who I highly respect and love as my sister in Christ, even though we don't know each other well. She is a cancer survivor and her blog is at:
http://jillian-commitingmywaysuntothelord.blogspot.com/
Jillian is a true child of God and has such a happy heart.  Her cancer experience was much worse than ours has been.  I can't imagine, but the things she has blogged about are similar to what I have discovered spiritually in these past few months.  It did my heart good to see her frame of mind before cancer, during, and after.  Cancer just is horrible.  I never wanted to know it.  God's ways are not my ways and He has definitely changed me for the better in all of this.  I praise Him for who He is and I don't have the words to express.  Jillian is an upbeat, postive person.  Thank you, Jillian, for being honest and sharing your journey.  God is definitely using it!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Living Faith

Living through the drama of cancer is like nothing I've ever experienced.  Even though it creates complications to daily life and stress levels rise easier than they used to, it is still living life.  You don't stop living.  Life goes on.  It becomes a question of whether you are going to participate and make the best of your situation.  Because what you decide to do, how you decide to act and cope makes the difference between falling to devastation and rising above the drama.

My husband had to learn to live with an array of awful symptoms that are part of his daily life.  For the past month and a half he has had to learn new limitations physically and emotionally.  Our children have had to learn to think of their Daddy's needs before their own, and have also had to deal with times when Daddy wasn't able to be 'there' and Mommy wasn't 'there' either, or had little patience.  Thankfully, many of these things are temporary.  We have grown so much, learned new things.  It has been a bumpy road and only Faith in Christ has carried us through as well as we have gotten through.  That is what this blog is all about.  Living faith in a real experience, being real with what it looks like to live your faith in the hardest times. 

Today the doctor's office called us to say that there would be no more chemo for this part of the journey.  Part of me is thrilled.  Part of me is hesitant to be thankful.  Because of the negative effect chemo had on his lungs, 3 treatments of one drug were cancelled.  That increases the risk of recurrence...something I can't bear to imagine.  I'm amazed to have survived this much and being done with chemo early is nearly too good to be true.  Is God answering prayers and healing my husband more quickly than we had anticipated?  My fear is that we're being set up for another blow.  I don't know if I could handle that. 

But...in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind."  Who am I to fear what God has granted?  I will rejoice.  Psalm 63:6-8, "When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.  My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me." and Psalm 16:8-9, "I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices, my flesh will also rest in hope."

Monday, November 7, 2011

Chemo Delay?

We've started our 3rd round of chemo and last planned round.  We found out this morning that due to the results of his pulmonary function test and decreased liver function, one of his three chemo drugs had to be cancelled.

Since his cancer is highly curable, doctors plan treatment with the goal of least long-term health risk.  The two drugs he is on this week are known to increase risk of leukemia.  The drug that was cancelled today causes short-term damage to the lungs and can reduce the amount of the first two drugs he has to take.

Now that it had to be cancelled, we may still need to have another round of treatment.  He has another pulmonary function test on Wednesday and more blood work to check on his liver.  I don't know what will happen until we meet with the doctor on Thursday.

It is in God's hands, whatever happens.  We'll deal with it and make it through.  I'm just praying that our hearts and mind continue to rely on the Lord and put our trust in Him and not get discouraged.

My Views on Halloween

As my relationship with God grows and I spend more time getting to know who He is, I love Him more and more. I find that He has called me as His child and a follower of His Son, Jesus Christ to live a holy life to the best of my ability. I find that the more love and respect I have for the Lord, the less tolerance I have for things that are surrounded in sin and stem from sin. Such as, cursing, the occult, dirty jokes, etc. Christians are far from perfect and even within Christianity, many do not agree on exactly how to live as Christians. That is a path of life that each of us must determine in our own walk with God. "You who love the Lord, hate evil..." Psalm 97:10 HCSB

1. Aspects of Halloween do not honor God.
Aside from most of its origins stemming from occultic practices, as believers in Christ Jesus and the absolute truth of the Holy Bible, we are called to "Stay away from every kind of evil." 1 Thessalonians 5:22 HCSB.

God has decreed that the demonic/occultic practices are detestable to Him. Even in the form of pretend, I cannot see that dressing up, pretending to be anything unholy, or participating in activities that play with occultic beliefs would be found as pleasing to the Lord. "No one among you is to make his son or daughter pass through the fire [human sacrifice], practive divination, tell fortunes, interpret omens, practice sorcery, cast spells, consult a medium or a familiar spirit, or inquire of the dead. Everyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord..." Deuteronomy 18:10-12 HCSB

Galations 5 (HCSB)
Verse 13 "For you were called to be free, brothers; only don't use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but serve one another through love."
Verse 16 "I say then, walk by the [Holy] Spirit and you will not carry out the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is against the Spirit, and the Spirit desires what is against the flesh"
Verse 19-21 "Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and anything similar."

2. Spiritual Warfare is REAL. "Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the tactics of the Devil. For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world pwoers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens." Ephesians 6:11-12 HCSB

Satan is the great deceiver and will use any means necessary to gain access into your life and weave lies and confusion about the truth of the gospel of Christ. Even participating in simple fun on Halloween has the potential to expose you to be influences of Satan and his demons. I choose to be more cautious and avoid the temptation and the lure of evil things. Halloween is a night where people who practice Satanism and other occultic rituals do so in great numbers. I don't know if this night contains more demonic activity than any other night, but it is a night where such things are culturally accepted and played with in the name of "fun". I choose to protect myself and my family as best I can by avoiding these things.

3. That being said, there are many different ways Christians choose to treat Halloween. Many think it is an innocent night of fun, costumes and candy. Some participate in church alternatives parties. Some pass out candy and Christian tracts. Others completely ignore it.

I fall into the the group that believes that we must teach our children the spiritual dangers of Spiritual Warfare, caution for occultic practices, and how we can be a light for Christ to those around us. Children need to be sheltered and taught in a safe environment. This year we participated in our church festival. I also would not be opposed to passing out tracts with candy to share the love of Christ with those who do not know Him. This is my belief in how I feel God would have me raise my children and live my faith concerning Halloween. Each Christian must make their own choice following with how they feel God has called them to act. I encourage you to look at www.gotquestions.org and type in the question: should Christians celebrate Halloween? It provides more scriptural references.

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable -if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise -dwell on these things." Philippians 4:8 HCSB

Friday, November 4, 2011

a love letter

a love letter

I loved this short post/devotion from a Proverbs31.org writer, T. Suzanne Eller. It was great timing for me and I love the fact that she gives a realistic way to keep and use a Prayer Journal to deepen our walk with our Abba Father!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Two-thirds of the way!

Next week is the last full week of chemo, God willing!  We're waiting to hear back from his latest Pulmonary Function test, but the lady who gave the test said he was still in acceptable range.  We'll see what the doc says.  FYI - if the test result caused concern for my husband's health, it would result in the elimination of one chemo drug and add one more full week of treatment.

My hubby continues to constantly feel "crummy" and battles nausea, but he is generally in good spirits and hasn't had to use all the medications he has at his disposal.  Our family has been blessed to avoid illness thus far (PRAISE GOD!) and we're surviving.

The past two weeks have been less stressful, but each with their own challenges.  Our youngest has regressed farther with her toileting issues and her behavior has been off.  Nothing specific, but I can tell she's hurting and perhaps a little lost.  It is hard to know the proper way to respond to her misbehavior.  Sometimes I can tell if it is because she needs extra love and attention or if it is just normal misbehavior.  Other times I really struggle with knowing how best to respond.  She's too young to communicate what is going on inside, so I try to make an effort to help her know she is loved and appreciated.

The mom-guilt piles up quite easily right now.  In everything we're going through, I don't want my actions to hurt more than help.  I pray a lot about that and God has brought many good ideas to my attention.  Making at least a mental to-do list for home has greatly helped.  I prioritize the things I want to accomplish with a realistic view of how much energy I have and what I am likely to be able to accomplish.  I rarely play computer games any more.  There are just more important things to be done.  When I can't just relax and play with my children, I include them in the tasks I am doing.  They help me and I teach them.  We're interacting together and that is still quality time.  My mother-in-law's trick of 15 minutes playtime and 15 minutes work time helps me too.  I have high hopes that next week's full treatment schedule will be better than the first two.  Only God knows!