This past week has been such a struggle. It was the first week of our 2nd round of chemo. Five days of treatment in a row. It affected him the first day this time and symptoms were worse than last time. He wasn't feeling well at all the last part of the week. I started getting overwhelmed mentally with responsibilities and with little time for myself or quality time with my husband. He was just too sick. He needed more, the children needed more, I needed more and I had no more to give.
God has been working on me through this process. He is teaching me to let go of all these things that dominate my mind...the should's and why-can't-I's and this-needs-that-needs...and so on. I am learning to accept help on all fronts. That I cannot do this on my own...even with depending on my relationship with the Lord. I need the body of Christ to lift me up too. I need to accept the help and support others offer, even when it is hard for me.
He reminded me to go to church...I hadn't gone since chemo started. He used conversations with others to remind me to find solace in His Word. I'd been reading Job (and understanding it better this time) and had started Jeremiah, but He drew me to verses that would encourage me and remind me of Him.
Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given."
The positive side of things is that we are over 1/3 of the way done with treatment! We have received a lot of support and have many who love us and are praying for us. I thank each and everyone of you for all you are doing!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Rushing River
Watching my husband lose his hair was hard. He finally looks like a cancer patient, there is no pretending that cancer isn't there. He's had the same hairstyle since I've known him. He's had facial hair 98% of our life together. It's amazing what a silly thing like hair can change. He has not changed, just the outward appearance. He is handsome to me and I love him just as much as ever. It is the fact that there is no denying what we are dealing with that is hard. Perhaps I'm moving on from the denial stage of grief. What is next? Bargaining? Anger? I really can't imagine those.
I feel like a leaf caught in the currents of a rushing river. I can't change circumstances. I can't push back or stop the waters. I can't swim out of the current. I can only go with the flow and try to stay afloat. Try to keep my family afloat. The things close to my heart are my children and my husband. I desire that they would be stable, positive, and strengthened in their walk with the Lord. Sometimes it doesn't seem like much has changed and other times it seems like a lot has changed. This isn't what I dreamed for my family.
As I read what I've written. I am seeing the word "I" a lot. There should be more of "HIM" in there. More trusting the Lord to carry us in this rushing river of cancer. More of Him and less of me. I cannot do this without him. My family cannot overcome without Him. Lord, I ask you to keep my eyes and my heart focused on You. In Jesus Name, Amen
I feel like a leaf caught in the currents of a rushing river. I can't change circumstances. I can't push back or stop the waters. I can't swim out of the current. I can only go with the flow and try to stay afloat. Try to keep my family afloat. The things close to my heart are my children and my husband. I desire that they would be stable, positive, and strengthened in their walk with the Lord. Sometimes it doesn't seem like much has changed and other times it seems like a lot has changed. This isn't what I dreamed for my family.
As I read what I've written. I am seeing the word "I" a lot. There should be more of "HIM" in there. More trusting the Lord to carry us in this rushing river of cancer. More of Him and less of me. I cannot do this without him. My family cannot overcome without Him. Lord, I ask you to keep my eyes and my heart focused on You. In Jesus Name, Amen
Friday, October 14, 2011
Grieving
Grief seems like such a vague word to me. I know I'm going through it, but I don't really fully understand it. I took a class today at our Christian Conference called "Ministering Through Grief". I originally signed up to learn how to help my husband through the unseen trials of cancer...now that the cancer has returned and we're dealing with chemo, I thought it would be even more helpful. Instead, I think it was the first place I have felt comfortable in sharing my own personal grief with another live person.
We discussed helpful things to say to someone who is grieving and what not to say. How to truly be a help and not a hindrance. But it was the open discussion moments where I learned a lot about how I am grieving and what helps me.
I never feel comfortable talking to others about my problems. I have had enough "friends" who talked to me and at me, but never seemed to truly listen. I've learned most people need their needs met, but don't know how to reciprocate. I also am not always able to communicate my needs. I've developed this unconscious belief that my needs are not important or valued than other's. It's something I am learning isn't true.
Grief takes as long as it takes. That was the main point driven home today. I am grieving. Grieving the loss of normalcy, the pain of loss and unwanted life changes. I can't always define why it affects me worse some days than others. I desire respect, patience and to be understood. This journey I'm on is hard. My group of peers relieved me of my duties at the conference. At first I didn't think that was necessary and took it as accepting their way of helping me. Now I realize what a blessing they gave me. It was the freedom of not having the added responsibility, the reduction of mental stress, the ability to have the freedom to take care of myself. I don't care for myself well mentally when I'm stressed. I often don't realize the amount of stress until I shutdown and can't take anymore. I am very grateful for the time they gave me. How wise they were.
We discussed helpful things to say to someone who is grieving and what not to say. How to truly be a help and not a hindrance. But it was the open discussion moments where I learned a lot about how I am grieving and what helps me.
I never feel comfortable talking to others about my problems. I have had enough "friends" who talked to me and at me, but never seemed to truly listen. I've learned most people need their needs met, but don't know how to reciprocate. I also am not always able to communicate my needs. I've developed this unconscious belief that my needs are not important or valued than other's. It's something I am learning isn't true.
Grief takes as long as it takes. That was the main point driven home today. I am grieving. Grieving the loss of normalcy, the pain of loss and unwanted life changes. I can't always define why it affects me worse some days than others. I desire respect, patience and to be understood. This journey I'm on is hard. My group of peers relieved me of my duties at the conference. At first I didn't think that was necessary and took it as accepting their way of helping me. Now I realize what a blessing they gave me. It was the freedom of not having the added responsibility, the reduction of mental stress, the ability to have the freedom to take care of myself. I don't care for myself well mentally when I'm stressed. I often don't realize the amount of stress until I shutdown and can't take anymore. I am very grateful for the time they gave me. How wise they were.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Cancer Life
Daily life in our household has changed. I am learning new ways of coping and surviving...more than just surviving. I am learning boundaries and actions I need to take to preserve my family and my own sanity.
My husband hasn't become the sickly, gaunt person I was afraid of. It's true he constantly feels ill and fatigued. But he is still able to be present and participate in most family routines. We can still eat at the table as a family on his good days and we've adjusted other routines to still be a whole family.
We have made it through the first round of chemo. Two more to go. Next week will be challenging as it is the first week of round two with five full days of treatment. Now that we've been through it once, I can more realistically anticipate what might happen and I feel more ready for it. I think I'm more prepared for the loneliness on the days he is too sick to be present. I pray for God's closeness and the strength to see through His eyes on those days. I much prefer to look at this from a Heavenly perspective than my own selfish view.
My awareness of the need to spend time with God has been heightened. I yearn for the peace and refreshing I find when I read His Word and make moments focused just on Him. My children and I have taken to singing worship songs in the car on the way to school. The old, melodious songs I learned in my youth. I don't even know if I am singing the songs correctly, but we are praising the Lord together and loving it.
I'm searching to hear the Lord's voice throughout my day to learn where I need to be refined and changed. I'm learning so much. How to be a mother bearing the weight of responsibility, while still within a marriage, and the little choices I make have such a huge impact on the outcome of our daily lives. I mess up quite a lot and there are moments that I just am in my "flesh" and don't want to care about anybody else. But in those moments and afterward, I sense the Holy Spirit guiding me, chiding me and prodding me to think, repent, and forgive. I'm not alone in this journey even though I sometimes feel lonely. I serve such an awesome God. and He cares about little me amongst all my failures and problems. :)
My husband hasn't become the sickly, gaunt person I was afraid of. It's true he constantly feels ill and fatigued. But he is still able to be present and participate in most family routines. We can still eat at the table as a family on his good days and we've adjusted other routines to still be a whole family.
We have made it through the first round of chemo. Two more to go. Next week will be challenging as it is the first week of round two with five full days of treatment. Now that we've been through it once, I can more realistically anticipate what might happen and I feel more ready for it. I think I'm more prepared for the loneliness on the days he is too sick to be present. I pray for God's closeness and the strength to see through His eyes on those days. I much prefer to look at this from a Heavenly perspective than my own selfish view.
My awareness of the need to spend time with God has been heightened. I yearn for the peace and refreshing I find when I read His Word and make moments focused just on Him. My children and I have taken to singing worship songs in the car on the way to school. The old, melodious songs I learned in my youth. I don't even know if I am singing the songs correctly, but we are praising the Lord together and loving it.
I'm searching to hear the Lord's voice throughout my day to learn where I need to be refined and changed. I'm learning so much. How to be a mother bearing the weight of responsibility, while still within a marriage, and the little choices I make have such a huge impact on the outcome of our daily lives. I mess up quite a lot and there are moments that I just am in my "flesh" and don't want to care about anybody else. But in those moments and afterward, I sense the Holy Spirit guiding me, chiding me and prodding me to think, repent, and forgive. I'm not alone in this journey even though I sometimes feel lonely. I serve such an awesome God. and He cares about little me amongst all my failures and problems. :)
Monday, October 3, 2011
A new calling?
I've had a bit of a struggle with the Lord since learning the cancer had returned. I didn't stop trusting Him, but I was hurt. I didn't understand why it was back. Hadn't I learned and grown enough for one year? The "why" question bugged me a lot more than last time around. I tried to let it go, but I felt distant from God. I couldn't see what He was doing. I still can't.
Today was Day 8 of chemo after a nice 2 day break. I was blessed to be able to spend time with my hubby during chemo treatments and had to return to work afterwards. On the way in I was listening to a Christian radio station. An advertisement for a new Christian book was on and it was about how sometimes God places a calling on your life that you never asked for and don't want. I thought it was interesting and casually thought about how it could apply to my life. Then in my email box, the daily devotion I received was also about accepting God's calling on your life even when it isn't what you wanted.
I don't know exactly what God may be calling me to...but all I can think of at this moment in time is either something work related, or possibly His answer to my "why". Perhaps through this time of cancer, I am to minister to my husband. To be the rock for him spiritually. I don't know exactly how, but it gives me a Peace to my "why" struggle and a hope in my Lord that He does indeed know what He is doing.
I ask you to join me as I pray for guidance, protection, and wisdom to know what God's will for my family is, and what His will for my behavior/words will be each moment. Thank you!
Today was Day 8 of chemo after a nice 2 day break. I was blessed to be able to spend time with my hubby during chemo treatments and had to return to work afterwards. On the way in I was listening to a Christian radio station. An advertisement for a new Christian book was on and it was about how sometimes God places a calling on your life that you never asked for and don't want. I thought it was interesting and casually thought about how it could apply to my life. Then in my email box, the daily devotion I received was also about accepting God's calling on your life even when it isn't what you wanted.
I don't know exactly what God may be calling me to...but all I can think of at this moment in time is either something work related, or possibly His answer to my "why". Perhaps through this time of cancer, I am to minister to my husband. To be the rock for him spiritually. I don't know exactly how, but it gives me a Peace to my "why" struggle and a hope in my Lord that He does indeed know what He is doing.
I ask you to join me as I pray for guidance, protection, and wisdom to know what God's will for my family is, and what His will for my behavior/words will be each moment. Thank you!
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