Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Selfishness & Pride

Re-reading the last post, I noticed in the ways I coped with being bummed...did you notice it too???  I didn't mention going to God for help.

When depressed I did write a couple sentences in my prayer journal basically telling God, "I need help."  In those high-emotion times, it is so hard to humble myself to the Lord.  My selfish, woe-is-me attitude prevents me from letting go of myself to receive from God.  The times we need Him most are the times we run away.

When I'm emotional and clinging to the selfishness of my troubles, I'm longing for a rescuer.  Someone to come and coddle me, make it all better, and take care of things for me.  It is those times that I give up and feel so incredibly lost.

The next day I wasn't so depressed, but still struggled.  I had a scheduling issue and wasn't finding any answers to solve my problem.  I got frustrated and angry.  I absolutely hate not having control when something is effecting me negatively.  I chose to go to God with it, although I sure didn't go humbly.  I vented in my journal to Him.  I complained about the continuous struggles and how I was tired of dealing with them.  Not long after that, I soon had the solution I needed, without any additional work.  That was humbling.  God followed through despite my bad attitude.

I had to go back and apologize to God.  It seems no matter how much I convince myself I am trusting Him, I still am impatient and easily angered to have to wait on Him.  Ironically, when I was honest to God about how I felt and venting to Him, I felt closer to Him than when I am trying to be the "good girl" and have dedicated quiet time.  It made me realize that there is still a level of pride within me and I am not truly honest with God or even myself sometimes. 

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Highs and Lows

Another week has passed and more highs and lows have taken place.  High emotions run in my family.  I've noticed them in my grandpa, my father, myself and my oldest daughter.  We're a sentimental bunch and emotions can easily overwhelm us.

Yesterday I would have described my emotional state as depression.  I thought about blogging in the midst of it, but I know from past experiences that those times come and go.  I didn't want my irrational frame of mind to say something that I might regret later.  Usually when I get past a very low point, the concerns weighing me down don't seem so big the next day.

Yesterday I felt like my world was heading down a dead-end road, and I was almost there.  My job is affecting me at home.  I'm bringing home work and the mental stress of work.  My husband's physical complications have increased with the illnesses our family has been dealing with.  Our home is the epitome of the word "pigsty".  There is piles of laundry.  Piles of dirty dishes.  A kitchen floor that should have ben swept 2-3 times over.  Clutter is everywhere.  The sad and embarrassing part is that even though I hate looking at it, I had no energy or motivation to do much about it.  For the first time in my life, I have stooped to a new low.

Being emotional, but practical, I don't often make rash decisions.  I do, however, replay stress in my head trying to figure it all out.  Is this a true issue or do I need a perspective change?  Is the job really too much?  Is it really the job or is it how I am handling it (meaning spiritually)?  Do I really need to change my job or do I need to change something in me?

Asking those questions can be overwhelming too.  So I cried.  I took a nap.  I soaked in a hot bath.  And my wonderful husband gave me space to do it in.  Today I am improved.  Still considering those questions in my mind, but not in the "depths of despair".

I accomplished 2 loads of dishes and did some cleaning in the basement today while I listened to church online (my cold still getting me down physically). Progress for now.  :0)

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Memory Lane

I've been slowly going through my piles of junk and paper to clean my basement. 

I have a vision of creating a memory book for each daughter and also perhaps someday writing a book about some of our experiences.  As I find the old wall-calendars from the past, I am putting the notes into an excel spreadsheet and tossing the physical calendar.  Tonight I found my 2011 calendar and logged its notes...that was our year of cancer.

Although the calendar only has the important appointments and dates of big events, it brought back many memories and with what was noted, I could still fill in the blanks of the things that weren't noted on the calendar.  I remember what each appointment discussed and revealed, the CT scan after surgery that didn't reveal cancer returning only months before the next one did.  The scheduled final round of chemo that was cancelled due to my husband's lungs deteriorating, my children's school events, and more.

I was amazed over all the "normal" life events we participated in during the midst of living through cancer.  The children still attended birthday parties.  They were involved in sports.  Life didn't come to a screeching halt for us.  Sometimes I remember it as ending...  Emotionally, my world ended.  In reality, it only changed.  It changed forever.

Now whenever I see past co-workers or past acquaintances, they always ask how my husband is doing and if the remission is still "going well".  Yes, we are doing well.  Somehow we have survived to tell the tale and continue to live life as best we can.  I feel like I imagine an older woman in a movie would be feeling as she retold her life's history.  I'm only early thirties still...what more will I get to live in my lifetime?  God only knows.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Peace Settles In

This week was another busy week.  I hired a highly qualified new teacher who quit on me with no notice 4 days into the week.  It wasn't the leadership role she had experienced before in her previous job and although I think it might have been a great relationship had her attitude about her new position been different, God has other plans.  Of course, not receiving any notice was a blow and a discouragement. 

I was growing weary of the struggle again.  Friday was our first full-day in-service of the year and we had some really great fellowship together as a team of godly women.  I feel much more at peace now and I believe that God has put some things into place that will help solve some of the scheduling issues I am facing.

The illness in our home seems to be dissipating and I enjoyed having a girls night with my daughters on Friday.  They got to stay up late with me to eat popcorn and watch a movie.  My favorite part was holding my youngest in my lap and just having the closeness of her near me.  My oldest was enjoying the little fort she created under the foot of the recliner I was sitting in.  :0)