Sunday, December 25, 2011

Stress - It's A Killer!

Merry Christmas!  Christmas was wonderful.  Everything has gone well.  Our children were more than blessed by others and our new appliances are such a blessing. 

Somehow I don't feel relaxed.  I feel more stressed than I have felt in a long, long time.  The month of December has been more stressful though.  Perhaps it is still not worked out of my system yet. 

Professionally, I have had more stress in my job than is normal.  Partly due to my own ethics...standing up for what I believe to be right, is hard.  I hate conflict in the deepest part my soul and even standing up for what I think is right causes me immense stress.  I have second guessed myself and reviewed my motives multiple times to be sure that I was not acting on selfish or biased motives.  I don't believe I did. 

At home, of course it has been stressful.  Positive stresses mostly, but stressful all the same.  I've been trying to let go of the reigns so to speak at home.  Since my husband's cancer, much of this year I have been the decision maker with parenting our children, I have figured out how to make things work managing our home, the health and well-being of our family, scheduling, meals, providing for needs.  I've done what I had to in order to keep our family going.  To keep the children as protected and undamaged by this thing called cancer as I possibly can.  To maintain my sanity and my walk with the Lord.  To continue to be a supportive wife and care for my husband's needs. Maybe my resolve, my strength has at last failed me.  My husband is healing.  His hair is slowly returning.  His energy is increasing.  His involvement as a spouse and father is increasing.  All very wonderful things.  All changes that I am adjusting to as well.

The next CT scan is in two days.  The first since chemo began.  I am terrified, uncertain of what to expect and beyond the ability to try and prepare myself.  Admitting that feels strange, because I can barely rationalize the stress.  The cancer should be gone.  The lymph node enlargement should be reduced.  I don't know if I can handle any more.  I don't know that I am terrified of the scan and what it may or may not show.  But I am terrified of having to handle one more thing.  My perseverance is running out.  I want to run into my Heavenly Father's arms and find that perfect rest.  Literally.  I give up.  Somewhere along this road I've forgotten to do that.  When did I stop relying on the Lord?  I don't even know.

I've been trying my best to be everything I need to be for everybody.  The strong, immovable, faithful, godly woman, wife, and mother I think I need to be.  I think the line between following God's will by doing my part and allowing Him to lead got distorted.  I get confused knowing just how much I need to be doing to follow God's will verses just how much I don't need to do.

I wish I could follow this verse easier...it baffles me.  "They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they will rise up on wings like eagles, They will run and not grow weary, walk and not faint." Isaiah 41:31 (paraphrased). 

Perhaps the answer is right in front of me.  Quoted in a book I was reading today, "Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage.  Wait for the Lord, wait for the Lord.  I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait. And in His Word I do hope." Psalm 27:14, 130:5.

The NIV phrases Isaiah 40:31 "those who HOPE in the Lord"  instead of those who WAIT.  Perhaps I have slowly misplaced my hope and my focus...I wish it was harder to do.  I seem to excel at this...I'm glad I have this blog.  I think I learn more from it than you might.  Goodnight and God bless.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas Hub-Bub!

It is hard to stay focused on the Lord during the chaotic schedule of December this year!  I've been managing, but I know my "good" can be much better.  With family birthdays, the birth of a new nephew, extended family celebrations, and work and still responsible for the household management...I'm a little overwhelmed.  It is all exciting and a lot of good things happening, but I forgot to balance it all and keep it in perspective.

Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I feel how I'd imagine an ADD person must feel.  I have lists upon lists of things to do in my brain and the clock and the calendar all seem to meld into one scrambled mess that I can't untangle.  On top of it all, two of our appliances decided to break down.  Praise the Lord that we had loving angels who provided the funds to replace them!  And I realized just how thankful I am that my parents taught me to wash dishes by hand as a child.  I know it seems like an easy task, but if I didn't already know the techniques of how to get into the small places and deep bottles, I'd have had a very hard time getting some of those dishes clean!  It's something my children are going to be learning in their future!

My husband is healing and recovering a little more each week.  He's participating in more activities and spur of the moment fun with the family.  Physically he still tires easily and gets out of breath with too much activity, but he is looking healthier!

In my quiet times, I'm still finishing the book of Jeremiah, but today I read the birth of Jesus in Luke 2.  I think God is telling me to stop and change my focus.  My priorities are not supposed to be about stuff.  They need to be focused on Jesus and my family.  The stuff won't matter in 20 years.  It probably won't even matter in 1 year.  How are you preparing for the holiday season?

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Glory to God for He is GOOD.

My honey developed pneumonia over Thanksgiving weekend and ended up being admitted to the hospital.  He was allowed to come home yesterday evening and immediately spiked a 104 temp.  I completely lost all peace of mind in the midst of waiting to see if the fever would go down...wondering if I could continue with the night's plan or if our evening would be completely upturned.  The children needed to be fed dinner, they needed to go to bed on time and had school in the morning.  Our youngest is fighting illness, and I wanted to be able to help her heal.  Thankfully the fever decreased and the doctor said we could stay home as long as Tylenol was doing its job and we just need to call the clinic today and speak to his team.

And yet, God is still here.  Providing for us and working in our hearts for our good.  Even in the hardest times, He is there.  When he was in the hospital, a few people commented on how well I was handling it.  It was all God.  I have been learning that I cannot accomplish anything by worrying about it.  There are things that I cannot control and no matter how hard I stress and worry, my efforts only damage my ability to be the woman, wife, mom God has called me to be.  I completely trust God to work all things out to the good of those who love him...and that's me and my family.  Even though I don't see what God is doing at the time, I trust Him fully.

Last night, after all the crazyness, God gave me a glimpse of the wonderful things He has been doing during this past year.  Even though we've been through some of the hardest experiences we may ever face, spiritually it has been one of the best and most productive years in our lives.  Our marriage is growing stronger.  Our faith is deepening.  And it is all to the glory of God.  HE IS AN AWESOME GOD!!!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Chemo Recovery

Chemo recovery is an extremely slow process.  I rejoiced when they told us that we would have no more chemo therapy.  It's been such a long journey.  Recovery is hard because you don't know what to expect aside from the fact that it will take several months to feel "normal" again.  I can't plan for recovery.  It's also hard because I am so ready to be done with cancer and leave it securely in the past.  One day at a time.  One step at a time.

I don't regret this last year.  I don't wish that cancer never came to us.  I've learned so much and I'm grateful for those lessons learned.  I'm not who I once was...and I know that I've still go so much more to learn.  I miss the perfect peace and unshakable confidence I had when we first learned of cancer.  I was walking hanging on to God's hand.  Having the cancer return was as if I stumbled and let go and still haven't quite figured out how to grasp his hand again.  I haven't requested as much prayer as I did the first time around and I've just dealt with the hard times.  That's all I can think of...I have made so many prayer requests this past year, I almost feel like it's someone else's turn and I've taken too many turns.  Yes, I know that is spiritually irrational, but it is how I feel.  So, if you want to lift up a prayer for us, it is much welcome!  :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Falling Down

I find it ironic that my last post was labeled "Living Faith" and this very next post is at one of my low points.  I started back to work full time this week for the first time in what feels like a very long time.  I was working part time at home and part time at work during chemo.  It's been a rough adjustment for me to go back and I'm feeling the stress and weariness hit me.  I work in the typical middle-management role with break time allowed, but rarely taken due to the nature of the job.

Even though we are finished with chemo, my better half is still very, very ill.  I look forward to his health improving, but it is slow going.  We don't even know what the long-term side effects will be yet.  Tonight I am tired of "fighting the good fight."  I'm just plain tired, but haven't gone to bed yet because I'm avoiding the dishes and clutter I need to take care of.

My faith took a blow this week also because I made some bad choices and sinned.  This seems easier to do when I am tired mentally and physically.  I've confessed and asked forgiveness, but I really felt the effect spiritually between me and God.  He's continually teaching me and growing me into a better person, but I still make mistakes and they aren't fun to learn from.  It's amazing how Satan pounces on you once you allow a little sin into your life, even for a moment.  He uses it to condemn you and mentally bash your confidence.  My thoughts have run the gammet from, "I'm so unworthy" to "Why would God even consider using me to serve His people again"  If I didn't know the promises in His word, I might fall prey to those condemning thoughts...and, even though I do know His promises, those thoughts hurt and I have to battle against them.  I am just praying for God to give me His perspective, a view from outside myself.  I know that this is only a step of my journey and with God, I can overcome anything.

...It's about an hour later than my above writing. I was reading through a blog of someone who I highly respect and love as my sister in Christ, even though we don't know each other well. She is a cancer survivor and her blog is at:
http://jillian-commitingmywaysuntothelord.blogspot.com/
Jillian is a true child of God and has such a happy heart.  Her cancer experience was much worse than ours has been.  I can't imagine, but the things she has blogged about are similar to what I have discovered spiritually in these past few months.  It did my heart good to see her frame of mind before cancer, during, and after.  Cancer just is horrible.  I never wanted to know it.  God's ways are not my ways and He has definitely changed me for the better in all of this.  I praise Him for who He is and I don't have the words to express.  Jillian is an upbeat, postive person.  Thank you, Jillian, for being honest and sharing your journey.  God is definitely using it!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Living Faith

Living through the drama of cancer is like nothing I've ever experienced.  Even though it creates complications to daily life and stress levels rise easier than they used to, it is still living life.  You don't stop living.  Life goes on.  It becomes a question of whether you are going to participate and make the best of your situation.  Because what you decide to do, how you decide to act and cope makes the difference between falling to devastation and rising above the drama.

My husband had to learn to live with an array of awful symptoms that are part of his daily life.  For the past month and a half he has had to learn new limitations physically and emotionally.  Our children have had to learn to think of their Daddy's needs before their own, and have also had to deal with times when Daddy wasn't able to be 'there' and Mommy wasn't 'there' either, or had little patience.  Thankfully, many of these things are temporary.  We have grown so much, learned new things.  It has been a bumpy road and only Faith in Christ has carried us through as well as we have gotten through.  That is what this blog is all about.  Living faith in a real experience, being real with what it looks like to live your faith in the hardest times. 

Today the doctor's office called us to say that there would be no more chemo for this part of the journey.  Part of me is thrilled.  Part of me is hesitant to be thankful.  Because of the negative effect chemo had on his lungs, 3 treatments of one drug were cancelled.  That increases the risk of recurrence...something I can't bear to imagine.  I'm amazed to have survived this much and being done with chemo early is nearly too good to be true.  Is God answering prayers and healing my husband more quickly than we had anticipated?  My fear is that we're being set up for another blow.  I don't know if I could handle that. 

But...in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind."  Who am I to fear what God has granted?  I will rejoice.  Psalm 63:6-8, "When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.  My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me." and Psalm 16:8-9, "I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices, my flesh will also rest in hope."

Monday, November 7, 2011

Chemo Delay?

We've started our 3rd round of chemo and last planned round.  We found out this morning that due to the results of his pulmonary function test and decreased liver function, one of his three chemo drugs had to be cancelled.

Since his cancer is highly curable, doctors plan treatment with the goal of least long-term health risk.  The two drugs he is on this week are known to increase risk of leukemia.  The drug that was cancelled today causes short-term damage to the lungs and can reduce the amount of the first two drugs he has to take.

Now that it had to be cancelled, we may still need to have another round of treatment.  He has another pulmonary function test on Wednesday and more blood work to check on his liver.  I don't know what will happen until we meet with the doctor on Thursday.

It is in God's hands, whatever happens.  We'll deal with it and make it through.  I'm just praying that our hearts and mind continue to rely on the Lord and put our trust in Him and not get discouraged.

My Views on Halloween

As my relationship with God grows and I spend more time getting to know who He is, I love Him more and more. I find that He has called me as His child and a follower of His Son, Jesus Christ to live a holy life to the best of my ability. I find that the more love and respect I have for the Lord, the less tolerance I have for things that are surrounded in sin and stem from sin. Such as, cursing, the occult, dirty jokes, etc. Christians are far from perfect and even within Christianity, many do not agree on exactly how to live as Christians. That is a path of life that each of us must determine in our own walk with God. "You who love the Lord, hate evil..." Psalm 97:10 HCSB

1. Aspects of Halloween do not honor God.
Aside from most of its origins stemming from occultic practices, as believers in Christ Jesus and the absolute truth of the Holy Bible, we are called to "Stay away from every kind of evil." 1 Thessalonians 5:22 HCSB.

God has decreed that the demonic/occultic practices are detestable to Him. Even in the form of pretend, I cannot see that dressing up, pretending to be anything unholy, or participating in activities that play with occultic beliefs would be found as pleasing to the Lord. "No one among you is to make his son or daughter pass through the fire [human sacrifice], practive divination, tell fortunes, interpret omens, practice sorcery, cast spells, consult a medium or a familiar spirit, or inquire of the dead. Everyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord..." Deuteronomy 18:10-12 HCSB

Galations 5 (HCSB)
Verse 13 "For you were called to be free, brothers; only don't use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but serve one another through love."
Verse 16 "I say then, walk by the [Holy] Spirit and you will not carry out the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is against the Spirit, and the Spirit desires what is against the flesh"
Verse 19-21 "Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and anything similar."

2. Spiritual Warfare is REAL. "Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the tactics of the Devil. For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world pwoers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens." Ephesians 6:11-12 HCSB

Satan is the great deceiver and will use any means necessary to gain access into your life and weave lies and confusion about the truth of the gospel of Christ. Even participating in simple fun on Halloween has the potential to expose you to be influences of Satan and his demons. I choose to be more cautious and avoid the temptation and the lure of evil things. Halloween is a night where people who practice Satanism and other occultic rituals do so in great numbers. I don't know if this night contains more demonic activity than any other night, but it is a night where such things are culturally accepted and played with in the name of "fun". I choose to protect myself and my family as best I can by avoiding these things.

3. That being said, there are many different ways Christians choose to treat Halloween. Many think it is an innocent night of fun, costumes and candy. Some participate in church alternatives parties. Some pass out candy and Christian tracts. Others completely ignore it.

I fall into the the group that believes that we must teach our children the spiritual dangers of Spiritual Warfare, caution for occultic practices, and how we can be a light for Christ to those around us. Children need to be sheltered and taught in a safe environment. This year we participated in our church festival. I also would not be opposed to passing out tracts with candy to share the love of Christ with those who do not know Him. This is my belief in how I feel God would have me raise my children and live my faith concerning Halloween. Each Christian must make their own choice following with how they feel God has called them to act. I encourage you to look at www.gotquestions.org and type in the question: should Christians celebrate Halloween? It provides more scriptural references.

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable -if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise -dwell on these things." Philippians 4:8 HCSB

Friday, November 4, 2011

a love letter

a love letter

I loved this short post/devotion from a Proverbs31.org writer, T. Suzanne Eller. It was great timing for me and I love the fact that she gives a realistic way to keep and use a Prayer Journal to deepen our walk with our Abba Father!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Two-thirds of the way!

Next week is the last full week of chemo, God willing!  We're waiting to hear back from his latest Pulmonary Function test, but the lady who gave the test said he was still in acceptable range.  We'll see what the doc says.  FYI - if the test result caused concern for my husband's health, it would result in the elimination of one chemo drug and add one more full week of treatment.

My hubby continues to constantly feel "crummy" and battles nausea, but he is generally in good spirits and hasn't had to use all the medications he has at his disposal.  Our family has been blessed to avoid illness thus far (PRAISE GOD!) and we're surviving.

The past two weeks have been less stressful, but each with their own challenges.  Our youngest has regressed farther with her toileting issues and her behavior has been off.  Nothing specific, but I can tell she's hurting and perhaps a little lost.  It is hard to know the proper way to respond to her misbehavior.  Sometimes I can tell if it is because she needs extra love and attention or if it is just normal misbehavior.  Other times I really struggle with knowing how best to respond.  She's too young to communicate what is going on inside, so I try to make an effort to help her know she is loved and appreciated.

The mom-guilt piles up quite easily right now.  In everything we're going through, I don't want my actions to hurt more than help.  I pray a lot about that and God has brought many good ideas to my attention.  Making at least a mental to-do list for home has greatly helped.  I prioritize the things I want to accomplish with a realistic view of how much energy I have and what I am likely to be able to accomplish.  I rarely play computer games any more.  There are just more important things to be done.  When I can't just relax and play with my children, I include them in the tasks I am doing.  They help me and I teach them.  We're interacting together and that is still quality time.  My mother-in-law's trick of 15 minutes playtime and 15 minutes work time helps me too.  I have high hopes that next week's full treatment schedule will be better than the first two.  Only God knows!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Not by strength, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord.

This past week has been such a struggle.  It was the first week of our 2nd round of chemo.  Five days of treatment in a row.  It affected him the first day this time and symptoms were worse than last time.  He wasn't feeling well at all the last part of the week.  I started getting overwhelmed mentally with responsibilities and with little time for myself or quality time with my husband.  He was just too sick.  He needed more, the children needed more, I needed more and I had no more to give.

God has been working on me through this process.  He is teaching me to let go of all these things that dominate my mind...the should's and why-can't-I's and this-needs-that-needs...and so on.  I am learning to accept help on all fronts.  That I cannot do this on my own...even with depending on my relationship with the Lord.  I need the body of Christ to lift me up too.  I need to accept the help and support others offer, even when it is hard for me.

He reminded me to go to church...I hadn't gone since chemo started.  He used conversations with others to remind me to find solace in His Word.  I'd been reading Job (and understanding it better this time) and had started Jeremiah, but He drew me to verses that would encourage me and remind me of Him. 

Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given."

The positive side of things is that we are over 1/3 of the way done with treatment!  We have received a lot of support and have many who love us and are praying for us.  I thank each and everyone of you for all you are doing!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Rushing River

Watching my husband lose his hair was hard.  He finally looks like a cancer patient, there is no pretending that cancer isn't there.  He's had the same hairstyle since I've known him.  He's had facial hair 98% of our life together.  It's amazing what a silly thing like hair can change.  He has not changed, just the outward appearance.  He is handsome to me and I love him just as much as ever.  It is the fact that there is no denying what we are dealing with that is hard.  Perhaps I'm moving on from the denial stage of grief.  What is next?  Bargaining?  Anger?  I really can't imagine those.

I feel like a leaf caught in the currents of a rushing river.  I can't change circumstances.  I can't push back or stop the waters.  I can't swim out of the current.  I can only go with the flow and try to stay afloat. Try to keep my family afloat.  The things close to my heart are my children and my husband.  I desire that they would be stable, positive, and strengthened in their walk with the Lord. Sometimes it doesn't seem like much has changed and other times it seems like a lot has changed.  This isn't what I dreamed for my family. 

As I read what I've written.  I am seeing the word  "I" a lot.  There should be more of "HIM" in there.  More trusting the Lord to carry us in this rushing river of cancer.  More of Him and less of me.  I cannot do this without him.  My family cannot overcome without Him.  Lord, I ask you to keep my eyes and my heart focused on You.  In Jesus Name, Amen

Friday, October 14, 2011

Grieving

Grief seems like such a vague word to me.  I know I'm going through it, but I don't really fully understand it.  I took a class today at our Christian Conference called "Ministering Through Grief".  I originally signed up to learn how to help my husband through the unseen trials of cancer...now that the cancer has returned and we're dealing with chemo, I thought it would be even more helpful.  Instead, I think it was the first place I have felt comfortable in sharing my own personal grief with another live person.

We discussed helpful things to say to someone who is grieving and what not to say.  How to truly be a help and not a hindrance.  But it was the open discussion moments where I learned a lot about how I am grieving and what helps me.

I never feel comfortable talking to others about my problems.  I have had enough "friends" who talked to me and at me, but never seemed to truly listen.  I've learned most people need their needs met, but don't know how to reciprocate.  I also am not always able to communicate my needs.  I've developed this unconscious belief that my needs are not important or valued than other's.  It's something I am learning isn't true.

Grief takes as long as it takes.  That was the main point driven home today.  I am grieving.  Grieving the loss of normalcy, the pain of loss and unwanted life changes.  I can't always define why it affects me worse some days than others.  I desire respect, patience and to be understood.  This journey I'm on is hard.  My group of peers relieved me of my duties at the conference.  At first I didn't think that was necessary and took it as accepting their way of helping me.   Now I realize what a blessing they gave me.  It was the freedom of not having the added responsibility, the reduction of mental stress, the ability to have the freedom to take care of myself.  I don't care for myself well mentally when I'm stressed.  I often don't realize the amount of stress until I shutdown and can't take anymore.  I am very grateful for the time they gave me.  How wise they were.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Cancer Life

Daily life in our household has changed.  I am learning new ways of coping and surviving...more than just surviving.  I am learning boundaries and actions I need to take to preserve my family and my own sanity.

My husband hasn't become the sickly, gaunt person I was afraid of.  It's true he constantly feels ill and fatigued.  But he is still able to be present and participate in most family routines.  We can still eat at the table as a family on his good days and we've adjusted other routines to still be a whole family.

We have made it through the first round of chemo.  Two more to go.  Next week will be challenging as it is the first week of round two with five full days of treatment.  Now that we've been through it once, I can more realistically anticipate what might happen and I feel more ready for it.  I think I'm more prepared for the loneliness on the days he is too sick to be present.  I pray for God's closeness and the strength to see through His eyes on those days.  I much prefer to look at this from a Heavenly perspective than my own selfish view.

My awareness of the need to spend time with God has been heightened.  I yearn for the peace and refreshing I find when I read His Word and make moments focused just on Him.  My children and I have taken to singing worship songs in the car on the way to school.  The old, melodious songs I learned in my youth.  I don't even know if I am singing the songs correctly, but we are praising the Lord together and loving it.

I'm searching to hear the Lord's voice throughout my day to learn where I need to be refined and changed.  I'm learning so much.  How to be a mother bearing the weight of responsibility, while still within a marriage, and the little choices I make have such a huge impact on the outcome of our daily lives.  I mess up quite a lot and there are moments that I just am in my "flesh" and don't want to care about anybody else.  But in those moments and afterward, I sense the Holy Spirit guiding me, chiding me and prodding me to think, repent, and forgive.  I'm not alone in this journey even though I sometimes feel lonely.  I serve such an awesome God.  and He cares about little me amongst all my failures and problems.  :)

Monday, October 3, 2011

A new calling?

I've had a bit of a struggle with the Lord since learning the cancer had returned.  I didn't stop trusting Him, but I was hurt.  I didn't understand why it was back.  Hadn't I learned and grown enough for one year?  The "why" question bugged me a lot more than last time around.  I tried to let it go, but I felt distant from God.  I couldn't see what He was doing.  I still can't.

Today was Day 8 of chemo after a nice 2 day break.  I was blessed to be able to spend time with my hubby during chemo treatments and had to return to work afterwards.  On the way in I was listening to a Christian radio station.  An advertisement for a new Christian book was on and it was about how sometimes God places a calling on your life that you never asked for and don't want.  I thought it was interesting and casually thought about how it could apply to my life.  Then in my email box, the daily devotion I received was also about accepting God's calling on your life even when it isn't what you wanted.

I don't know exactly what God may be calling me to...but all I can think of at this moment in time is either something work related, or possibly His answer to my "why".  Perhaps through this time of cancer, I am to minister to my husband.  To be the rock for him spiritually.  I don't know exactly how, but it gives me a Peace to my "why" struggle and a hope in my Lord that He does indeed know what He is doing.

I ask you to join me as I pray for guidance, protection, and wisdom to know what God's will for my family is, and what His will for my behavior/words will be each moment.  Thank you!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Struggle Begins

Day 4 of Chemo:  Fatigue, Digestion Issues, Nausea

My husband's health deteriorates more and more each day.  It hurts to watch him change.  I feel like I'm losing my husband, the man I know him to be is disappearing...he'll return, but it'll be a long while.  He is weak and tired.  He can't participate in our family routine of putting our children to bed and other routines of life at home.  They are missing their daddy and I hurt for them too.  The part of the journey I've been dreading is here...being the single parent, the caregiver-spouse who is on her own.  I have a lot of help and a huge crowd of believers praying for me and my family.  I have my Lord and the blessing of His Word to read.  It still hurts.  I'm still sad.  Not all the time, but right now, at night when I'm alone is when I feel it the most.  I am strong in Christ, but I don't always feel strong.

Yesterday he was tired, but I had the afternoon with him while the children were still at school and we had a good chunk of quality time just hanging out and watching Voyager (yup, we're Trekkie's!).  I so enjoyed yesterday!  Today I worked the whole day through and brought the children home after school got out.  I was tired from a full day and he was already beginning to crash for the evening.  We had a simple supper camped out in the living room, not the normal dinner experience, but at least together.  I want to create new routines centered around our family being together as much as possible.  I want them to still have their daddy as a part of their daily routines, even though our routines are changing.  The balancing act is a challenge.

As I think over all of this, I have a choice to make in my heart.  I can wallow in the 'depths of despair' and beat myself up with misplaced 'mommy guilt' and loneliness or I can look to see what God has in this place right now.  I'm going to spend some time in prayer.  I need to draw close to my Lord and Saviour and find my sustenance and joy in Him.  If there is one thing I know for sure...I cannot do this on my own.

Monday, September 26, 2011

First Day of Chemo

Exhaustion is setting in from the hours spent preparing, stress, and troubled sleep.  I can feel it in my bones.  It's a good thing that the first day of chemo is the easiest.  It is the day that the cancer warrior is still feeling "normal" and feeling good.  We anticipated a 9-hour day, but were blessed to finish at 7-hours.  We passed the time together chatting, playing Words with Friends, snacking, and learning how it all worked.  The nurse we had was very informative and kind.  Her personality was easy to work with.  Some nurses feel more like sergeants giving directions, but she gave us direction and information as well as the freedom to communicate and make our own choices.  As the day ended, he was a little tired and feeling "crummy" in general, but not too bad.  He was able to enjoy dinner with us, his favorite meal: Spaghetti!

I will miss most of his infusion days and I'm not totally comfortable with that situation, but I can't afford to miss a month or more of work.  There's a little of the same emotional struggle I had when he was in the hospital and I knew I had to trust others to care for my children while I cared for my husband.  At least this time he gets to come home every day and I get to be the one to ensure he gets the best care, plus his mom is nearby and can be there for him when I can't.  That helps me feel a little bit better.

I see God at work all around us in the ways many are stepping in to care for us and provide.  I see Him in the good care we are receiving at the hospital (aside from Friday's chaos).  I sense Him in my own calm mindset and my children's easy-going acceptance of the changes in their lives.

I am teaching my children a new routine.  As soon as they step in the door I give them hand sanitizer, they take off their shoes and carry them by hand to the closet to put them away.  Then they change their clothes from the day and put on clean clothes.  Then they can potty and wash their hands and greet their daddy.  It's a totally foreign behavior to me because I tend to lean towards the philosophy that "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt" (to a degree).  Now this dirt can hurt.  They seem to like the responsibility of helping to care for Daddy so far.  I've tried to explain his illness as simply as possible and they seem to understand so far.  I praise the Lord for that.

Friday, September 23, 2011

No mo' Whammy!

I feel like a bucket of bricks got dumped on me.  Today was a horrible, no good day.  :(
I did survive it though and I'm thankful for an understanding boss and co-workers who are willing to step in for me.  I'm also thankful for family who came and helped out.  It was a day full of mixed up medical orders, insurance complications, general delays, and a lot of time spent chasing down information and assistance.  I never thought I'd be one of those people walking in to a clinic and pleading for help from someone immediately (the pharmacy was closing for the weekend, our doctor wasn't in, etc.)!

On the plus side, I did sneak in the first two chapters of Job.  He went through so much more than I'm going through, I thought perhaps I could glean some good- tips from him.  I did.  Chapter 1, verse 1 "that man was blameless and upright, and one who feared God and shunned evil."  verse 3 "this man was the greatest of all the people of the East." (in possessions and wealth)

Satan argues to God that Job has no reason not to follow the Lord because the Lord has blessed him, so the Lord allows Satan power over all Job has.  (verses 9-12)  Job's 10 children and all but 3 servants are killed, and all his livestock are taken away.  Immediately after receiving this news:  verse 20 "Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and WORSHIPED" saying "the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." (verse 21).

Then in Chapter 2, Satan returns to the Lord and the Lord points out to Satan his faithful servant job who was afflicted "WITHOUT CAUSE". (verse 3)  Satan then argues that any man will give up his possessions to save his own life, so the Lord puts Job in Satan's hand, but requires he does not kill Job. (verses 4-6)

Job is then stricken with boils all over his body.  His 3 friends come to comfort him, but "did not recognize him" (verses 7-12).  His friends sat with him for 7 days and 7 nights without saying a word because they saw that "his grief was very great".

I learned that when trials hit Job, he still worshipped God and he did not blame God.  He did not do anything to bring his pain upon himself.  He was so hurt that his friends did not recognize him and did not speak to him for seven days and nights because of his grief.  It is okay to grieve.  Bad things happen to good people and we can still worship and praise the Lord through it all.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Still Denial? or Disbelief is more like it.

I think I must deal with grief differently than others.  I've almost been excited since we found out we start chemo next week.  That sounds awful...I'm glad to have a plan and something to prepare for.  It is still very, very strange because my hubby is still looking and feeling quite well.  Everything will change next week.

I have researched and made my To Do lists and started a grocery list of items we'll need.  I plan to clean my house, but I struggle finding the motivation...it really doesn't seem so bad, but for someone going through chemo, it would be better if it were much cleaner.

The stress level has increased at home and at work.  I know I'm going to be missing time at work so I feel bad for taking normal breaks.  I got irritated easily today.  Probably due to the stress and perhaps the grief process too.  I haven't bargained with God since I was a child, and I know better than to try that now.  I focus on trusting His will is the best thing for me and my family...whatever outcome that means.

People are coming out of the woodwork, so to speak, and offering ways to support us that we never imagined.  Offers to babysit our children for free, offers of a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, we've already received 2 sympathy cards with a lovely sentiment and some small shopping cards.  It makes me cry and I'm so appreciative.  I know it is going to be really hard, but I won't know how hard until it gets there.

We've got an appointment tomorrow to go over the chemo schedule, our girls have an appointment to get their flu shot, I need to get one too as soon as they are available, we have a minor surgery on Friday to get a "Port" implanted, and still a ct scan to schedule by Friday.  Today is already Wednesday.  Life is changing rapidly and I'm swimming in the new terminology of the medications we may use and how to prepare while I'm attempting to still work and go to all the appointments.  BTW, a port will allow him to get his infusions with out getting stuck for an IV each day.  It will stay in until after the chemo is complete.

Well, I've got a date with my man tonight for some of our shows on netflix.  Good night!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Grief


1. Denial
2. Bargaining
3. Anger
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Those are the stages of grief.  I don't know that I have gone through all of them before.  I don't know if my practical mind would allow it.  I could see "denial" as the difficulty to believe that this situation is real.  I know my husband has cancer.  I know we're going to go through 9 long weeks of chemo therapy...and that is if everything goes as planned.  It could take longer if complications arise.  I still have trouble realizing the truth of those words. 

We could start chemo as early as next week.  I should be preparing like crazy, but it all seems so unreal.  I don't even know how to prepare or what to expect.  I have a specific number of PTO hours, and not having gone through this before I don't know what the best way to use those hours might be.  I don't know all the specifics of how his treatment plan will go yet, so I don't know how to prepare the children or myself.  I can't imagine my husband without hair.  All I can imagine from people I've seen with cancer is a tall, gaunt, smooth-skinned figure.  And that isn't my husband at all.

The one thing I thought I knew about chemo turns out to be a false idea too.  Turns out a good number of men after this chemo go on to have children of their own.  A smaller number of course cannot.  I had accepted the fact of no more children and now again, it is a possibility, although a very uncertain one.  I was beginning to plan on what baby items to sell, what to give away, what to share, and how to use the space it would free up.  So much for that. :P

I'm just at a loss right now.  I'm not fearful, not numb.  It just doesn't feel real.  My husband looks healthy.  He feels healthy.  I know it is going to all change, but I can't comprehend it right now.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Coping

Man, this is tough!  I spent most of my evening barely holding back tears last night and crying when I thought about my fears.  Trying to comprehend how life is going to change was, and is, so hard to do.  I keep waiting for the shock to wear off.  I felt numb to the world most of the day today and grocery shopping with my daughter was the only thing to get me out of my numb world.  I actually didn't think about cancer or chemo for an hour!

I read my bible as usual this morning.  It was good.  I prayed on the way to a training class I had to go to, just asking God to keep my heart and mind focused on him and trusting in him.  I cried then, but made it through the class without crying, even though I felt like any little thing said or thought and I'd lose it in front of everybody.   My hubby spent the day watching tv with our children (something they enjoy) and then playing his computer games trying to keep his mind off of cancer.  I think I've considered all the things I know I could fear so far and so I'm not thinking of new fears, but one sad point has been on my mind today.  Chemo is almost a sure bet we will not have any more children.  I wanted God to decide for me if we should have more or shouldn't, but I was hoping he'd give us a child and not cancer.  I'm not depressed about it, but it is a sad bit of closure.  I guess the positive side is that we'll have more space in our house after we give away our baby items that we won't be needing.

I'm tired and will hopefully sleep good tonight.  It helps me cope and work out what's going on in my head to write these blogs.  Thank you for your prayers.  Good-night.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Sometimes He calms the storm, other times He calms His child

The CT scan was today.  We went as a family.  When my hubby went back for the scan, the children and I waited in the waiting room.  My youngest stood up on a chair in the waiting room and serenaded the people waiting in the waiting area.  She sang, "Swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to cherry me home!" over and over.  It was the first glimpse of God's touch in our lives, making a stressful morning less stressful.  My hubby returned to tell me that they had to do an IV, they had attempted the scan without the dye, but needed a clearer view.

Normally, it takes the absolute best of the best to get an IV into one of my husband's veins.  When he was in the hospital for surgery it took 3 attempts each time to get one going.  Our second glimpse of God's provision was that he allowed the person to get the IV started on the first try.

Results came quickly.  Enlarged lymph nodes.  We feared the worst and hoped we were wrong.  Again God was at work.  Our doctor was out of the office until next Monday.  They were able to contact the doctor and he took the time to check the results, personally call my husband and start the process for further testing.  The cancer is back.

It is still very surreal.  The barrage of tests won't begin until next week.  We have at least this one weekend to be a normal family, knowing that once the work week starts again, our lives will change forever once more.  The cancer is very responsive to chemo therapy and likely curable.  Going through this won't be easy.  For whatever reason, God is not calming the storm of cancer, but he is calming his children...us. 

Even before I heard the confirmation of cancer, I had it out with God.  I told him that I was giving it all to him.  All I have is his.  Whatever he wills, I accept.  I asked for the strength to endure this trial.  I asked for his protection for myself and my loved ones.  My children, my husband, myself...the illness, the tests, the waits.  I don't fear the outcome.  I fear the journey.  I need to trust in Him to lead me through step by step.  He did last time, He will again.  It will not be easy.  I anticipate the hardest journey of my life.  I just pray we make it through with minimal scars for my children, my husband, our families.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Unseen Wounds

Our next CT scan is coming in another week.  Watching shows about 9/11 don't help either.  To be honest, I knew it was coming up vaguely.  I didn't give it a second thought.  My viewpoint was that it's just a test we have to get done and a fun morning together eating breakfast out.  I look forward to our breakfast together on scan days once every 3 months.  I don't hardly give the cancer a second thought anymore.  It's done and gone until proven otherwise to my mind.

Unfortunately, that isn't the way my husband sees it.  While he doesn't focus on the what if's, stress levels increase and it bothers him more.  I'm not the one who had cancer so I can't fully understand what he goes through.  I'm glad he shared with me though.  Now I can be more aware of my words and reactions to our lives as the day of the scan draws closer. 

I asked for prayer for him and our family.  One of my close friends asked me why we were going through some tough times.  Her question surprised me.  Her perspective was, "There's no more cancer, you didn't have to go through chemo, aren't you thrilled just to have survived and have life to live?"

Yes, we survived.  Yes, we have life to live together again for long as God wills.  Cancer is not overcome without scars.  Physical scars.  Emotional scars.  There are unseen battle wounds that are slower to heal and overcome than a physical surgery.  The CT scans are routine and expected.  A safety precaution.  But statistics are higher now that we've had cancer once that it could return.  It doesn't even have to be the same cancer returning, our chances are higher for another cancer also.  Each CT scan is a reminder that it may not be over after all.  The first year after cancer has the highest risk of recurrence and we're only 1/2 way through.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Peaceful Patience

The one constant in life is change.  It is the only thing I know I can expect.  I never know when or how, but it is inevitable.

My workplace is going through change.  My viewpoint isn't one you'd expect, and I'm intrigued by my calmness.  I know it is the faith that God is growing in my life.  I have learned to trust Him fully in my life and now that new faith is being perfected through these new challenges of change.  From a worldly perspective, it would be the perfect time to run away and seek something more stable and secure.  But I keep on keeping on.  I trust in my Lord.  He will provide no matter what outcome lands in my lap.  He has me where I am for a purpose.  Whether that purpose is to grow me personally, or to aid in growth He desires for another one of His precious children.  I believe it is for both purposes.

No, I am not always this confident or calm.  I have my moments of emotional meltdowns and my wonderful hubby bears these times out with me, even though I know it can be hard for him.  I have times of self-doubt and second guessing.  I have times of fear and worries of the what if's.  But as I go through more of those times, I see a new perspective and I am learning how Satan manipulates my weak moments to try and create chaos in my mind.  I am learning how to avoid him, to turn away and seek the Lord instead of allowing those things to overwhelm me.  Keeping my eyes on my Lord and not on the waves, so to speak.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Faint light at the end of the tunnel...

Praise the Lord.  He is so good.  He let me see a glimpse of hope today and not just in one area of my life, but in two!  I can see how He is orchestrating the environment of the events in my life and the lives of others for the better.  Not just to save us from our struggles, but that we will be able to help others who are in similar situations.

For instance, my husband worked in a cancer center for 5 years and stayed with the same company after moving to a different department.  He completed his BA degree and for over a year could not find a job in his chosen field.  Because he was still with the same company when he was diagnosed with cancer, he had full benefits and supplemental income benefits to help during his surgeries and time away from work.  Many bosses would not have had the patience to wait for him (being gone longer than FMLA provides for), but his particular boss is a cancer survivor and not only has supported him professionally, but also personally as no other employer would have done.  God provided for my husband all the way and continues to do so.  In our new non-physical struggles God is also providing and guiding us.  He's providing help and the willingness to look into getting help.  It amazes me and I am so grateful.

With the other instance of hope, God is showing me through the lives of godly women around me, just how present He is in our lives.  I am witnessing the struggles of other women and seeing the hope God has given them and the power we have to support each other and be the hands and feet of Christ.  It is so awesome.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Bold Struggling Faith...Oxymoron?

I'm becoming bolder in my faith, which I find ironic.  My personality has always been to sit back and agree with the person speaking out for their faith, to avoid conflict at all costs, and to only speak when necessary.  Now I find myself speaking out to respected 'elders' (not that they are elderly, but my elders in age) to bring the Truth into focus.  I'm very open about my beliefs on social websites and the fear of persecution and suffering no longer detains me from speaking out.  It's also ironic because as I am becoming bolder in my faith, I have been going through some difficulties in my faith at the same time.

A new aspect of living with Cancer that my hubby and I are discovering are more subtle...changes in his hormones, dealing with depression, anger, fatigue...we are learning that as 'one' in our marriage, whatever negativity is going on in each others lives spiritually or emotionally has a huge impact on our spouse's ability to stay positive.  There are times when we aren't in the right frame of mind to discuss anything, but when we get to the point where we are both calm and open about what is going on, we not only grow closer to each other, but we find solutions and work together as a team to make things better.  God is so good, isn't he?  A good friend recently told me, "As bad as things get, they could always be worse.  As good as things are, they could always be better."  I liked that.

I would love your prayers for our family, marriage, and healing (spiritually and emotionally).  Dealing with these issues are more damaging than the cancer was.  I know the Lord is working through this also.  I wonder what He is doing and the awesome things that will come of this...

Wolves in Sheep's Clothing

2 Peter 2:1 "But there were also false prophets among the people, even as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Lord who bought them, and bring on themselves swift destruction."

This verse speaks of false teachers within the Church.  I've recently watched an overview of a seminar by a Texas Pastor, Justin Peters.  It is a 50 minute video available online at www.justinpeters.org.  Click on the "Call for Discernment" tab, and then click on "Watch Overview".  It uses Windows Media Play.

This video is an excellent and informative video on the "Word of Faith" movement and he uses scripture along with quotes of the well-known TV pastors who are false prophets and spreading a false Christianity on world-wide Christian television stations.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

The WAR is WON!

2 Timothy 3:12 "Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution."
Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against the spriritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

I am acutely aware of Ephesians 6:12.  I don't always recognize it in the midst of the chaos of life situations, but when I take a moment to step back (sometimes with the help of others), it is so obvious.  For the past several months, I have been cautious about praying outloud.  A bit fearful to speak out loud my hopes, my fears, etc.  I did not want to give ammunition to Satan and his mercinaries.  They are not God and cannot read my thoughts...but any demonic presence near me could know what I write and say. 

In my lack of speaking out loud, I realized I was losing the closeness with my Holy Father.  Thoughts can get distracted and be irradic.  Praying out loud or even in writing helps me to organize my thoughts and focus them.  The newest lesson I am learning is a repeat.  It is one Satan likes to push out of the way and ignore.  THE WAR IS ALREADY WON!  When Jesus died on the cross and rose again, he defeated Satan once and for all.  Satan's fate is sealed.  He will never overpower God.  So he is left to deceiving human beings to prevent them from knowing the Joy of the Lord.  Dragging whoever he can get to believe him to the same judgement he will receive.

I will not be afraid of Satan or his demons.  My Saviour, JESUS CHRIST, is more powerful and able to save me from anything Satan or his demons tries to bring me down with.  Admittedly, being strong is not easy and I have ups and downs all the time.  No matter what battles I may lose, through Christ, I have won the war.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Kindergarten! Ahhh!

My baby goes to kindergarten tomorrow.  I'm thrilled and anxious at the same time.  She's been looking forward to this day for a long time now.  I know she is apprehensive, but very optimistic.  I know her teacher is a wonderful teacher.  She has a few friends already that she knows...

But my baby isn't my baby any more.  That is why Kindergarten is so sad.  She's entering into a new maturity, a new chapter of life and taking me along with her.  Even looking at our family picture from last Christmas, she has changed so much.  No longer the little girl with the chubby cheeks and dimpled elbows.  She has taken the look of a small girl...taller, wiser, more understanding of her world and others.

I'm thankful to her preschool teachers who have added so much to her life.  I'm thankful for the moments we've shared as a mom and daughter...those moments will not end, but they'll never be the same.  I know I have made many mistakes as a parent...what parent doesn't?  I thank God for filling in for my inadequacies and drawing my little girl close to Him.  She loves the Lord so much!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Limbo

I am still feeling oppressed.  I think I've resolved the frustration and anger I was feeling but I still feel like I'm in a state of...I can't think of the word...LIMBO!  That's the word!  ;-)

I don't feel God's presence even though I know he is here.  I don't like this place.  It is melancholy.  Not depressed, but a weight on the soul.  I'm listening to worship music.  It's reminding me of who I am in Christ and that is encouraging.  "You Are My Hiding Place" and "This Is The Air I Breathe" are the two recent ones I enjoyed.  Youtube.com is an easy way to find and save those songs that I love.  I will keep on keeping on.  I know my God will get me through this.  I will stay faithful, although a bit less energetic for the moment.  "You Raise Me Up" just came on.  How fitting!

Update:
I'm discovering how emotions effect my mood and my outlook on the moment/day.  Thankfully I can realize when my mood is being affected by how I feel in a situation and I can take some steps to change.  It isn't always easy!  Why can't life be easy?  Thankfully this day my hubby came through for me and supported me.  He's wonderful.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Under Attack

The stress of the past week got to me tonight.  Feeling so discouraged and angry.  Not having any control or ability to speak out about what was happening around me and to people I care about.  Then my husband gently reminded me...had I given it to God?  Had I let go or was I holding on?

It brought a whole new perspective to light.  Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I prayed asking God to take my burden.  To remove it from me.  To enable me to let it go and not let it fester.  I am slowly feeling more at peace and more able to rest.  I prayed for those making the decisions that were wreaking havoc in my life.  I know I am not the only one being attacked lately.  I pray that we would be delivered and strengthened and our perspective would be His.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Mental Break

What a Monday it has been!  My entire morning at work has been dominated by others and surprise tasks.  As soon as I had a moment, I took the time to give myself a mental break.  I truly needed it and I needed to get into the Word.  When life is overwhelming, you must take care of yourself or you lose yourself.  That is what I have experienced in the past.

I've missed a couple days of my bible reading.  I spent one night just praying instead of reading and I really enjoyed that.  Time with God doesn't always have to be dictated by a "should".  Feeling obligated and responding to God out of obligation doesn't seem to draw us closer to Him.  Unfortunately, my bible got mistakenly misplaced while playing with my children and I missed a day of bible time for that reason and I found I missed my time reading when I wasn't able to read.

I opened my bible to one of my many place markers and found Luke 20:17-40.  I found many good tidbits in there, and just seeking God and His peace pushed that sense of mental chaos into submission.  It's amazing how just a few moments seeking him can change my whole outlook on my day.


Verse 18, Jesus is speaking about the cornerstone (himself): "Whoever falls on that stone will be broken; but on whomever it falls, it will grind him to powder."  We must be broken in order to let go of ourselves and trust in our God and Savior.
Verses 26 and 39, 40 shows the scribes response to Jesus' answers when they tried to test him and catch him.  "v.26 They marveled at his answer and kept silent"  "v.39-40 They said, 'Teacher, you have spoken well.' But after that they dared not question him anymore."

Jeremiah 29:13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Submission & Power

I've made it through chapter 3 of my book about "Finding the Hero in your Husband".  That title is sneaky...so far this book is all about my role as a wife!  :)

It's interesting.  The second chapter was about the power wives have over their husbands.  It was a little weird to read since I don't like to think of myself as having power over someone, but the influence women have in such subtle ways can make or break a marriage.  This chapter about submission I thought, "Oh, I've already got this one in the bag...my mom was a good role model for being submissive as a wife."

Well, it was an eye opening chapter.  Yes, my mom was an excellent role model and her example has helped me get a step up.  No, I didn't have it all figured out!  It's true I'm not a dominating woman determined to overpower her husband and take charge of everything.  But I can be passive-aggressive and I have manipulated the influence I have over my husband to get my way...sorry, honey!

A godly wife is to complete her husband.  She was given different abilities for a purpose.  Husband's are not made to go it alone, but they are given the "veto power" of a marriage in decision making if their wives don't squash their confidence.  My goal is to figure out the areas in my unique relationship with my husband to see where I need to empower him and work to support him and let him lead.  I am quiet, but I often take the lead in my home instead of waiting for/asking my husband to lead.

The simple ways I can start are using "we" when talking about the decisions we make.  I want to pay attention to the words I say so that they are empowering to him as a leader and not overpowering to get what I think is best.  I need to let go of the reins in some areas of our life...that might be easier said than done!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Rolling on the Floor Laughing Out Loud!!!

I was sitting cross-legged on the floor with my kindergartener in my lap trying to sing our song for bed time.  She was being silly and not sitting still, so I pinned her legs in mine and she continued to struggle.  We were giggling and I was winning.  She started whining, "Ow! Ow! Ow! You're hurting me!"  I knew the hold I had wasn't firm enough to hurt, just to pin so I asked what was hurting and didn't let up.  She continued struggling and between her gasps of whining "ow!" and giggles she cried, "Your...your POLKADOTS are hurting me!"

I had the sudden lightbulb that my legs weren't exactly smooth shaven and I was pinning her with them...I just rolled!  I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long, time!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Burdens We Carry

Wowsers!  My day yesterday was consumed with concern over my daughter's health.  The worry had been building over the past several days after noticing some changes in her habits and odd symptoms.  The problem was that some symptoms could be circumstantial, but at the same time, some of them were potential serious problems.  Instead of calling her pediatrician (I didn't want to have to pay for a visit if I didn't need to), I spent time searching her symptoms on the internet and not finding conclusive answers.  I finally realized I was stressing over it and I prayed giving it to God, but I don't think I really let go of it because I kept wondering and doubting myself over it all.  So, I gave in and called the doctor who of course had me come in.  Turns out I was overly concerned, but she may have an infection, so the money I spent didn't feel totally wasted. That whole evening at home the weight of the burden of stress slowly released itself and my body physically felt it.  I was exhausted and went to bed an hour early.  I was mentally a little jittery and restless.  I was also so relieved to have the confirmation that my child was for the most part healthy. 

What just boggles my mind is that huge, heavy burden of stress that I was carrying and adding to for the past few days...I didn't even recognize it for what it was!  I had an inkling of the stress which led me to pray, but because I was so involved in my worrying and trying to figure things out for myself, I didn't lean on God, I didn't ask for His help, and I didn't see the burden I had created.

Even with my quiet time with God, I missed this.  I should know better...but how many times do we enter into sin just a smidgen at a time until suddenly it overwhelms us?!  My devotion from Proverbs31 today gave a great illustration of this...read it at: www.proverbs31.org/devotional_print.php?d=2011-07-28

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Time with God Update

I am happy to share I have been able to keep up my bible reading twice a day (before bed and first thing when I wake up).  I'm so grateful for my loving parents who gave me a Holman Christian Standard Bible for Christmas!  I love that bible.  It is easy to read and understand, plus it has a built in commentary to help me understand the culture, traditions, and use of the language from the author's time.  I don't always agree with the commentary author's interpretations of the bible, but many times their insight brings so much more depth to my understanding of God's word!

I'm still reading through Psalms in the mornings.  It is a more upbeat book of the bible and when I am praising God, it is so much easier to start my day out right!  As a matter of fact, the other day I was having a dull day at work plugging along through my tedious paperwork.  I have several youtube playlists of Christian music, but when I started listening to the Worship music, even without me singing along, I could just feel my office fill with the presence of the Holy Spirit!  It really uplifted my mood and changed my attitude!

At night I have made it through Proverbs and Song of Solomon, and now I am going through Isaiah.   Honestly, Isaiah is a hard read for me.  It is full of prophecy.  Some prophecies were already fulfilled, some are double prophecies (fulfilled at one time and to be fulfilled again).  I don't always understand the prophecies, the commentary helps, but doesn't go into all the eschatology (study of end times) of it either.  So as I'm reading, I am praying for God to teach me and give me insight to what he wants me to learn.  Some passages touch me and others I take in for God to use at a later date in my life.

Proverbs 2:1-5 (actually the whole chapter is awesome if you want to read it) "My son, if you receive my words, and treasure my commands within you, so that you incline your ear to wisdom, and apply your heart to understanding; yes if you cry out for discernment, and lift up your voice for understanding, if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." 

I still feel a lack of communication with the Lord despite my time in the Word.  I feel a desire, a need to talk with God more...more of what a relationship entails.  To have a deeper more meaningful prayer life.  That's a little more challenging and I know Satan likes to make me think that God's too far away or not listening, but I KNOW better and have to remind myself of God's promises to me:

Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know."

1 John 5:14 "Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."
1 Corinthians 2:9-13 "But as it is written: 'Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.' But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit.  For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God.  For what man knows the things of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him?  Even so no one knows the things of God except the Spirit of God.  Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might know the things that have been freely given to us by God.  These things we also speak, not in words which man's wisdom teaches, but which the Holy Spirit teaches, comparing spiritual things with spiritual."

Monday, July 18, 2011

Accepting God's Answers

I have always wanted a son.  I was afraid of daughters before I had them because I am anything but girly and feared my ability to bring them up acceptably for society (seems silly now).  Before my husband was diagnosed with cancer, I was determined that another child (preferably a boy) would be part of our future.  I wanted another child so much that I was convinced we needed one to be a complete family.  I couldn't imagine our family without adding one more member, even if it was another girl (grin).

Once cancer became part of our lives I was happy just to have my husband alive.  We faced the possibility of not being able to have future children of our own.  I grieved, I cried over the loss of a child I hadn't even conceived yet.  We talked with the surgeon before surgery that if worse came to worse, a healthy husband was far more important than protecting the possibility of future children.

Thankfully, having more children is still possible, but our thoughts toward expanding our family have drastically changed.  Instead of needing more children, it is something that we both would like, but isn't necessary to be happy.  In light of our changing world I wonder about the wisdom in having more children...this bible verse makes me wonder:
Matthew 24:19 "How dreadful will it be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers!"


Our children have always been planned.  Recently we thought an unplanned pregnancy had begun...it hadn't, but there is no denying that my hopes immediately shot high in the sky!  An unplanned baby would be a pure blessing from God that He specifically planned without us intentionally purposing to have a child.  Learning that I wasn't pregnant was disappointing, but still okay.  It served to teach me how much I still would like to be a mother again, but also in the reality of the circumstances of our life right now, I can be perfectly content not having other children.  God is still in control.  He knows what is best for us.

This time his answer is, "Not now, wait."  or "No."  I don't know the future, but as I live through this I am reminded of the blessings I have in the family I love so much already.  There are perks to not having to go through pregnancy and babyhood again, but I know in my heart, like my mother, I would always joyously welcome another addition despite any challenges it might bring.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

What Tomorrow May Bring

Moments of joy, moments of great sorrow.  I know we can expect them both.  Matthew 24 is a chapter in the Bible where Jesus speaks of what we can expect to happen in the "last days".

v.4-5 Then Jesus replied to them (disciples): "Watch out that no one deceives you.  For many will come in My name, saying, 'I am the Messiah,' and they will deceive many.

v.6-8 You are going to hear of wars and rumors of wars.  See that you are not alarmed, because these things must take place, but the end is not yet.  For nation will rise up against nation, and kingdom against kingdom.  There will be famines and earthquakes in various places.  All these events are the beginning of birth pains.

Read about world events in our recent history and they are full of natural disasters, earthquakes, wars and rumors of wars -especially in the Middle East right now.  These are but the beginnings of birth pains....and what do birth pains do?  They increase in frequency and in magnitude.  We are seeing this prophecy coming to pass.  I am not troubled by this, but by what I must endure next:

v.9 Then they will hand you over for persecution, and they will kill you.  You will be hated by all nations because of My name.

And yet, what troubles me is not concern for myself or persecution I might endure, but the sorrow of living through persecution and sorrow my family; my husband and children might endure.  Some believe that the Rapture will happen between the events of verse 8 and the events of verse 9.  The Bible truly doesn't say precisely either way.  The persecution of Christians is already happening in other places around the world.  In the United States I see society headed soundly down that path.

While I may endure great sorrow or watch my loved ones do the same, my heart's prayer is for the salvation of my loved ones.  Not just my children, but for those I love who have not chosen to follow Jesus Christ as their Savior.  Our destinies all will meet at the same place.  The feet of God Almighty.  Is your name written in the book of Life or will He look into your eyes and say, "I knew you not."?

Salvation:

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
John 3:16  For God so loved the world that He gave His only, begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Salvation is free.  A gift.  All we must do is accept it, believe in Him, and confess with our mouths.
1 John 1:9  If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Triumph through Tragedy

David Wilkerson (recently passed on) sent out sermons.  In a meeting today, we read one.  It was about the Demonic Flood of Fear and how Christians who "triumph through tragedy" all experience 3 things:

1.  A choice: To trust in God or to remain in worry and fear.
2.  An Eclipse of Faith: a moment in their tragedy where they are in a cloud of darkness and don't hear from God.  It is in this cloud that they must rely on faith and their knowledge of God's promises and still believe.
3.  Acting Faith: Faith is a command and God responds to those who exercise it.

In my blogs, I hope you can recall my journey in this.  Because each of those steps is so utterly true and necessary.  When my husband got cancer, I chose to trust in God.  I knew that I had to or my fears would consume me and I would be useless to my husband and children in this trial.  I had many dark moments where I wondered where God was and what the point of it all was.  But I had His first answer for me "For such a time as this" and also the knowledge that God is love and His ways are not my ways.  I didn't always feel God's peace, but I believed.  I turned to Him for every need...not always immediately, but when I did, He always answered.

A Christian Woman

The tumor markers all came back as normal!  Praise the Lord, he is good.  :)

I used my birthday money this year to purchase two books that I think will help me gain insight in the two biggest areas I need spiritual help with.  Surprisingly enough, both books are by the same author, Julianna Slattery.  The first is called Finding the Hero In Your Husband, and the second is Guilt Free Motherhood

I ordered the first one because I know there is more to marriage than where I am now (not that mine is struggling, although we've had our ups and downs) and the second because I beat myself up mentally over my failures as a mother.  I'm not a bad wife, I'm not a bad mom...however, I'm not a perfect woman and I know full well that I have so much more to become as a faith-filled woman.

The first chapter of the "Husband" book has been enlightening.  I noted many small tidbits of helpful information. The thing that God pointed out to me was a little surprising and makes me feel a little foolish to admit it, but it was a light bulb that I needed to have turned on:  Guess what?  Marriage takes TWO (well, actually three including God) but I had overlooked my own role in my marriage!  I ordered the book so I could learn about how to support my husband as a wife ought.  The study guide's last question for Chapter 1 was to write a letter to God about your marriage.  I should note that typically my prayers for my marriage involve my husband and God working in his life, or using me to help...not that God would work in MY life and change ME to do better!  Here God is revealing my pride again and putting me back in my place.  The revelation gave me a new perspective and I'm into the second chapter ready for more lessons learned!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Rollar Coaster Update

Well, I did have a week of struggle spiritually after the high of the in-service, but it wasn't the steep downhill fall that I've gone through before.  Keeping my quiet time with God helped keep me on the right track and my thoughts in proper perspective.  I feel like God is asking for more time with me and I've been avoiding more than the few minutes I give him already...is that sad or what?  Why do we do that?  I know I'm not the only one...just read the old testament!  How many times did Israel turn away from God and resist him onl to later go back to him to be forgiven?   That encourages me to keep trying and not to get stuck in my failures and mistakes.  I can do this and I will.  He will enable me to do it!

On a side note, today we had our follow up visit after the CT scan.  All looks good and we're technically considered in 'remission'.  We did do some more blood work today for tumor markers and other surgery related health issues, but the doctor didn't see anything worrisome.  Next set of testing is in 3 months.  The doctor wasn't overly positive or negative.  Just proactive in ensuring nothing was missed...a bit of an eye-opener for me.  It made me more fully aware of the on-going journey with cancer.  Even though it is currently not visible, it could return...not that I'm afraid of cancer coming back, but a realization that I don't have the luxury of forgetting about it.  It is part of our lives and will be for years to come.

Monday, June 27, 2011

To share, or not to share?

I am on a spiritual high and desire to share this blog with some people I know.  I'm waiting for permission and also trying to think this idea through completely.  If I get permission I'm certain to share, but I have a small amount of fear regarding that decision too.

Past experiences have proven that I have some super good moments in my faith and I also have some super bad times where I am lost in sin and not the role model some people may expect me to be.  It is a roller coaster because I am human and I make mistakes.  Sometimes it is because I didn't think before I acted.  Other times it is because I have fallen into temptation or have stubbornly ignored God...those times are not so fun to share.  Especially with friends.  I don't want to be judged.

This blog is such a true revelation of where I am spiritually at the time each post is written, it will make me extremely vulnerable to those who know me.  I suppose that is the risk in living your life out loud.  At the same time, God has done so many wonderful things and changed my life so amazingly, how can I not share?

Friday, June 24, 2011

Serving Humbly

Writing about this doesn't feel humble, but it was such an awesome experience, I can't keep it inside.   God was so present and He was so awesome.  Yesterday afternoon I was asked to give devotions for our staff meeting.  We discussed whether I should give the devotion or another one of my godly coworkers.  Both of us felt like I was the one who should do it.  We prayed about it and asked for God's will...but it just felt certain in my mind that I was supposed to speak.  After accepting that God wanted me to bring a devotion, at first I got panicky...just a little bit.  What in the world was I supposed to speak about?

I prayed.  I was thinking that I wanted to somehow talk to my friends and coworkers about finding the way back to God, how to spend time with Him...how to really know Him and not just go through the motions.  But it also had to relate to childcare and the job we have in reaching them on a spiritual level and not just the academics or physical care.  How was I to do that?  What did God want me to say?  What verses should I bring?

I typed up some verses not knowing if I should use any of them at all.  I went home and found water everywhere in my fridge...the freezer had been clogged for a while and I didn't realize it had dripped water on every shelf and in every drawer.  I spent my night busy with my family and cleaning out my fridge.  Then after the kids were in bed I spent some time with my husband.  As I got ready for bed I ready a few chapters of Psalms and prayed that God would just tell me what He wanted me to say.  Then remembering the power of prayer that got me through the cancer and I sent off emails and requests to KLOVE radio, my family and friends on facebook.  In the morning I got ready and as I did, I remembered the church from my past blog and suddenly I knew exactly what to talk about.

I prayed throughout the morning and God showed up.  He allowed me to be a part of something so wonderful.  I was nervous, but so compelled to share.  I can't remember the exact words I said, I know what I talked about and I didn't care how I appeared...I just knew this was what I was called to do.  After I spoke, several ladies spoke up and also shared what they'd been struggling with.  We had an awesome time in prayer, praying for each other.  I can't even count how many "thank you's" and comments people shared with me afterwards.

I don't feel like I deserve the thanks.  I don't feel undeserving...it's kind of odd.  I feel like I am the recipient taking memos for God when I'm told how my devotions touched their lives.  It was Him.  All Him.  I have no power to reach their hearts and effect change.  The Holy Spirit was at work today and I was just blessed to be a part of it.  All those who were praying were also part of it and had a huge impact.  Despite the things Satan attempted to throw in God's way, the power of prayer and obedience overcame and Christ reigned supreme today.  The Glory belongs to the Lord.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Prophecy becomes Reality

This isn't the first time, nor the last.  To me, as one who has been studying God's word and seeking Him, this new event is eye-opening...I have seen the biblical prophecy of 2 Timothy 4:3 come true in the individual lives of others and in other religions that have formed, but this, this changed a bible teaching church!

A church in Minnesota has removed it's affiliation to Christianity and completely changed who and what they are.  Instead of teaching the truths of the bible (although they still have a group to meet to discuss the bible), the 'spiritual leader' teaches sermons on secular ideas and occultist practices.  I read a couple of his sermon blogs he has named "Soul Seeds".  He denies the belief that all good things come from God and suggests the good things we receive are based on our own persistence.  In another sermon he suggests that people let go of old hurts because those belong to the 'karma' of the person who inflicted the hurt.  And in the third and final sermon I looked at, he compared prayer to intentions and said his own prayer life has changed from communicating with an outside supernatural being to a deeper, larger part of himself.

This church is welcoming with open arms the false belief that man can be his own God.  They are an "inclusive" church and welcome all people and all sorts of new-age practices and eastern religious ideas. 

2 Timothy 4:3-4 "For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth and be turned aside to fables."
This passage also comes with a command in verse 5, "But you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."

Many people will be deceived and have been deceived by such teachings.  I expect increasing negativity towards Christianity.  "If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you.  If you were of the world, the world would love its own.  Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." John 15:18 and also John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

It will not be 'politically correct' to be a Christian soon, and will not be the easily accepted belief it is now.  In the years to come, I believe that the Christian faith will undergo severe testing.  It will weed out those who claim to be Christians from those who truly are.  How much will you suffer for the name of Christ?  What are you willing to sacrifice?  Or will you turn away from Him because it will be the easy choice?

Faith in Christ is simple, nobody ever said it was easy.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The heart of a child

Early this morning (around 1am) I was barely conscious of my five-year-old singing praise songs to the Lord.  Too groggy to think much of it, I tried to continue sleeping.  Suddenly the singing turns to an exasperated moan and she called out to me.  She was thirsty and saying her head hurt.  I gave her water and checked her temperature.  It was 103.3.  She asked to sleep with me.  I gave her medicine and prepared my bed.  She was moaning and miserable saying her head hurt badly from "too many happy songs".  I tried to make her comfortable and told her the medicine would start helping soon.  In a half-whine and half-exasperation she complained, "I have too many happy songs in my head and they're trying to burst out!"
She finally did fall into a fitful sleep before succombing to the deeper REM sleep.

All day she struggled with her fever and a headache which meant we vegged on the couch in front of the tv a lot.  She was particularly touched by a cartoon called "The Littlest Angel" about a 4-year-old boy who becomes an angel and whose gift is chosen to give to baby Jesus.  In a scene showing God in Heaven, she broke into song singing "Hallelujah".  Then she turned to me and smiled saying, "I have happy songs in my head!"

I don't know quite what to make of these happy songs.  She is my child I struggle to relate too, the one who is most like me.  There is something precious within her, a sensitivity to the things of God and a love for God I can't quite fully comprehend.  It amazes me and reminds me how awesome a responsibility it is to raise godly children and to be the godly role model they need.  I can only hope and pray that God grants me the ability to do the job justice for Him.

PS.  The CT scan came back clear!  We'll get the details and more blood work at the next doctor visit.

Friday, June 17, 2011

My Heart's Cry

I have a deep desire to reach out to others.  That I might impact their lives in a positive way, to draw them closer to knowing the Lord for themselves.  I have had this desire to make a difference for as long as I can remember.  My mom called me "tender-hearted".  My namesake (if I were born a boy *grin*) was a man of compassion.  I remember committing my heart to the Lord at the tender age of 4 1/2 years old.  At the time all I understood was that I was a sinner, on my way to hell unless I accepted Christ as Savior.  Did I know what that involved?  I doubt it.  But I knew there was more to this life than myself and that I had no power to do it on my own.  The faith of a child.  Pure, trusting, willing to believe.

Not many years later, our children's church class was learning about missionaries.  We met a real-live missionary who talked of riding a motor bike to church through the mud and I remember how shocked I was to hear that she didn't wear her "Sunday best" through the mud to church.  I wanted to reach others as she did.

In another church moment, we watched a "Charity Churchmouse" video.  The focus of that episode was a song called, "Make Me A Servant".  I prayed that song fervently in my heart to the Lord.  I wanted to embody the lyrics of that song:

Make me a servant, humble and meek.
Lord, let me lift up those who are weak.
And may the prayer of my heart always be
Make me a servant, Make me a servant,
Make me a servant, today.

Another song that I have always sung to the Lord purely from my heart comes from a "Patch the Pirate" cassette story tape.  It was the 'Banana Man' one.   The song was "Here Am I Lord".

Here am I, Lord, send me.
Here am I, Lord, send me.
I will serve you faithfully.
Here am I, Lord, send me.

I have added verses to that short song including, "Teach me."  "Use me."  "Love me."
I have sung this song as a prayer begging God to help me truly be sincere as I sang it, to not let it just be lip-service to Him.  He has been faithful.  Faithful to grow my faith.  Faithful to forgive my sins along the way.  Faithful to change my heart.

On your journey, what has been your heart's cry?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Foundations

The CT scan was today.  I didn't go to it.  I can't do anything but sit there anyway, but I wish I would have gone just to keep him company.  The report came back quickly with nothing significant in it.  We have to wait to hear from the doctor to be for sure.  The radiologist isn't a cancer professional and may not have noticed the things the doctor knows to look for.  It is good news for now...I need to hear the doctor's confirmation before I rejoice fully.

Faith is still my rock.  It is unmoving even though I could be overwhelmed in anxiety right now.  I am thankful for the faith God has grown in me.  It is hard to allow thoughts of cancer to invade my mind again.  I want to reject them and push them out of my life forever.  I am not afraid of cancer returning.  I don't think it will, but I don't want to be stupid and believe it can't.  It can, will God allow it?  I pray not!!!

I didn't always have this unmoving rock of faith behind me.  I didn't always trust God to hold me through hard times.  I didn't trust that he always has my best interests...because I thought perhaps my own ideas of my best interests were better than his.  There comes a point where you have to decide who you will trust.  Your judgement or God's.  I choose God's.  My life is not in my own hands.  Yes, I make choices each day, but even if I make the perfect choice every single time, would that stop cancer?  No.  Life is not controlled by human hands.  I'd rather put my trust in a God who loves me and has a plan for me than let life just happen.  I can't prove God's existence.  I am not good at debating the argument of why a person should choose God. 

All I know is the peace that surrounds me when I put my trust in Him.  There is a light in the darkness and I choose to follow that light rather than try to make my own.  Faith has changed my life permanently and I will never go back.

Monday, June 6, 2011

CT Scan and Pride

My hubby goes for his first post-surgery CT scan next week.  We're not expecting to find anything.  In fact, I'm expecting that it comes back normal.  I'm ready to move on with life, away from the cancer drama.  There's always a small part of me that worries, that nagging voice of the "what if's".  God knows.  He knows what is to come.  The "what if" voice cannot become louder than my trust in the Lord.

Sometimes I think I get prideful in my faith.  That sounds like an oxymoron.  But it is true.  I get prideful at times with how well I turned to God in the journey of cancer.  But it wasn't me.  I have to say it, to ingrain it in my brain...my faith comes from the Lord.  It is not my own ability that allowed me to trust fully in Him.  I learned a lot about faith.  I learned a lot about setting my own ideas aside to let God work it out His way.  Sometimes I want to preach it to the world about what I have learned...but hey, I'm still in this journey.  I have not figured it all out.  I am still living in this sinful world.  My pride likes to say, "You learned the big lesson, now coast through the rest of your life."  My heart tells me, "You've learned a big lesson, what's next?  How will God put it to use in your life?"

I haven't been taken to Heaven yet, so as long as I am here on earth, God has work for me to do.  What is it?  I don't know yet.  I know I have places in life where I need to improve, and I don't know how it will happen, but with God's grace, I will learn.  I'm afraid of the next trial I'll have to go through...but at the same time I know faith in Christ will grow me through it.