Insecurities and Perspective

Don't get me wrong, being a stay-home mom is my dream.  It's just that lately little insecurities here and there have been popping up.  I don't even speak them or write them down, but they seem to accumulate somewhere in my "emotional bank" -for lack of a better term.  Little things that the rational-me knows are insignificant and some truly don't bother me on most days.  Yet, when they all add up together, I can get overwhelmed and start to feel down on myself and doubtful.

My hair that had started thinning at the beginning of my diet is now growing back and nearing two inches long...you know how every short hair cut goes through an ugly stage in the growing-out process?  I've found mine.  It is hot on my neck in the summer heat and looks like I've got a major case of frizzies if I pull my hair back -which I do regularly because the baby loves to pull hair.  So, I resolve to roll my eyes at myself and chalk it all up to loving myself as a stay-home mom of three.

Many of the homeschool moms on Facebook are joking about how many books they are buying and all the curriculum choices they are making for different subjects.  Others are posting pics of their homeschool rooms and new decorations for the upcoming year.  I'm not buying curriculum books, our curriculum is free, online, and comprehensive.  I don't have a homeschool room to decorate, but I will make the girls clean their desk before we start school...  I am completely okay with not being like those other moms.  Every homeschool is unique and developed to meet its individual needs.  Sometimes I have a nagging little thought that maybe I am missing something by not doing the same things other moms are.  I push that little thought away, but it likes to pop back up when I'm feeling low.

Money is tight since I am home and I didn't take a summer job.  We have enough, but not extra and we watch closely what we choose to spend each month on the little extras.  It's an added stress, not a huge deal, but again, there.

And then there are my three wonderful children who I love so much that I want to be the absolute best mother they could ever have and meet every need in the best possible way.  Mom-guilt is natural for all mommies and my perfectionist self loves to pile it on.

So, I read an article today that I totally related to.  I could've written it...except the author is much more eloquent than I am.  It was basically saying why can't it be okay to just be me?  Why do I have to strive so hard to be perfect?  Why can't life be good enough when I am being me?  I needed the change of perspective.  After reading that article and praying about my feelings, I felt much better.  I looked around at my cluttered little house. 

Instead of a walking hazard of toys on the floor, I saw a baby boy's play area where he has so much fun banging toys on the tile entry way and then leaves them there so we can't open the door.  How long will I get to enjoy his pleasure in the simple things?  Instead of my daughter's hamper of clean clothes that she hasn't put away in three days, I saw the evidence of a little girl who loves to play and avoids chores at all cost.  My little girl who will one day grow up and leave an empty hamper.  Instead of a frumpy, aging woman in the mirror, I saw bright brown eyes with laugh lines and hair that has volume and beautiful soft curls.  Perspective people.  Love who you are.  Accept yourself for who you are and the way God has made you.

What does God want for us?

Life gets overwhelming easily when we don't put our faith in God.  Especially for me because I want so badly to get it right the first time.  Making decisions that directly impact my future or my children's future, is hard for me.  When I take the time to set all the stuff aside, get quiet and seek the Lord, He relieves all that stress and pressure.  He gives me clarity of thought.  He gives me wisdom and insight to the decisions He wants for us.

Most recently, this came in the form of homeschool planning.  I've been contemplating how to schedule our school days.  Our baby is going to be a toddler and his needs are changing.  I've gotten to know the learning styles and habits of my older two, and in certain subjects they need more accountability or support than in others.  I can't focus on all three at once all the time, so having some ideas and plans set in place ahead of time will help.

In addition to wanting to meet the individual needs of all three of my children in a day, the content of what they learn is on my mind.  Our curriculum (Easy Peasy - Allinonehomeschool.com) is a Christian-based program, but I feel God calling me to live out my faith with my children.  Not just following someone else's bible time, but personalizing our family's experience with Him.  I don't want to teach my children religion.  I want to share the blessing of a relationship with God with them.  I spent time praying about it by writing my prayers in my journal and looking through the bible verses I've been looking over recently in my own personal time with God.  I felt God leading me to study with my children a topic that I've pondered many times and have always desired to be better at...we are going to start out studying "What does it mean to seek God with our whole heart?"

Ah! Summer is nearly gone!

Vacation Bible School was a good experience.  I had volunteered to work the whole time, but was only scheduled to do the first shift of 2-3 hours in the mornings.  That ended up being perfect for us.  I got to know some of the other volunteers at church and how things are done there.  I was tired and ready to have a break at the end of each shift...part of that was not getting much sleep that week.  Something, teething or food -I don't know, kept the baby up at nights.  He would take his morning nap as soon as I buckled him into his car seat and I got an hour break before returning to pick up my older children.

Being in the nursery with him worked!   He enjoyed exploring and playing and he got used to the environment!  Last Sunday he lasted almost through the whole service and they only had to call me because he bumped his head and wouldn't let them console him.

I enjoyed the small taste of working with young children again after being home the past year.  I'm still good with kids, but I'm not interested in getting back into the field anytime soon.  Life with three children, my hubby's disability and homeschooling are enough to fill my days.

We're down to four weeks of summer left.  I'm excited for the school year to start and I also want to savor the time we have left before the busyness of the school year begins.  My brain is quickly filled with all the potential plans for the future and trying to make the most of the present as well.

I was blessed to get to spend some time with my oldest two on their own at our church's family skate night this week.  We had a blast.  I was able to join them in skating while my hubby stayed home with our little guy.  The girls and I participated in the games and played our own version of tag during the regular skate.  It was fun.  I exaggerated being surprised or upset over getting tagged, played up the chase and thoroughly enjoyed the laughter of my daughters as we played.  My tween didn't want to hold my hand, but enjoyed me being near.  My youngest loved skating holding hands and the added leverage to keep her balance.  It was a great evening together.