I am now seeing the truth behind the advice of "remember to take time for yourself". As this hospital stay continues on, I grow weary. I literally spend every waking moment serving others. Here is a generalization of a typical day as of late:
* Get myself and the children ready for the day.
* Drop the children off at school (occasionally with a hospital visit first).
* Spend the day at the hospital caring for my husband, sleeping when he sleeps.
* Pick up the children from school and return to the hospital so they can visit their daddy.
* Work in supper somewhere between school and the hospital.
* Take the children home and prepare for bed.
* Put the children to bed, do minor necessary housework.
* Spend a few moments with God and it's off to bed for another day.
We are developing a routine, the children and I. My husband's health is slowly improving. It may still be a couple days before he can come home. It has already been several days longer than I first expected it to be. I feel the weariness in my physical body. Spiritually, I have ups and downs depending on the time I spend in tune to the Lord. I am reminded of Isaiah 40. As I read through, these are the verses that touch my heart. They encourage my soul and they comfort me. I need only to rest in His loving arms.
11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tips for a Hospital Stay
These are things I wish I knew going into surgery recovery with my husband.
1. Ask the nurse or CNA to explain everything you don't understand.
(ie. what does that medication do? how often can he have that medication?)
2. Often the doctor will order several medications for nurses to give as needed. The nurses may not offer these and wait for the patient to complain or ask for more meds. Ask up front so you are aware of the options available!
3. Ask where supplies are kept. I was given free access to a closet of clean linens, towels and washcloths, as well as a "nutrition room" that kept extra food supplies like jello, tea, and an ice machine. The CNA's actually are relieved not to have you asking them for these things if you are able to help yourself. They are already busy enough.
4. As weird as it may sound, do not dispose of any bodily fluids and notify your nurse with any fluids that are expelled from your body. They measure and track these things to see how your body is progressing through recovery.
5. If you want to wash your hair, but aren't allowed to bathe or can't get out of bed yet, ask for a Shampoo-Cap. It is a shower cap with built in shampoo. They warm it up and it is like a warm massage on your scalp and removes much of the daily grime. Just towel dry afterward.
6. If you know it will be a long stay for your loved one, bring a bag of non-perishable snacks and food. The hospital has food, but it comes at a price!
7. If you are feeling nauseous...try nibbling on plain potato chips or chewing some gum. We were told that the Mayo Clinic had done some research on this and something about these things helps ease the nausea. It worked for my hubby.
8. If your loved one has a pain pump or "PCA" to deliver medication on demand (usually it will only give so many doses in an hour), talk to the pain doctors about allowing you to helping during times when your loved one is asleep. Nurses will tell you not to help the patient medicate...but in the initial phases of pain management, it helps to keep track and remind your loved one when it is time to push the button. Getting behind the pain is hard to recover from versus keeping it under control in the first place.
1. Ask the nurse or CNA to explain everything you don't understand.
(ie. what does that medication do? how often can he have that medication?)
2. Often the doctor will order several medications for nurses to give as needed. The nurses may not offer these and wait for the patient to complain or ask for more meds. Ask up front so you are aware of the options available!
3. Ask where supplies are kept. I was given free access to a closet of clean linens, towels and washcloths, as well as a "nutrition room" that kept extra food supplies like jello, tea, and an ice machine. The CNA's actually are relieved not to have you asking them for these things if you are able to help yourself. They are already busy enough.
4. As weird as it may sound, do not dispose of any bodily fluids and notify your nurse with any fluids that are expelled from your body. They measure and track these things to see how your body is progressing through recovery.
5. If you want to wash your hair, but aren't allowed to bathe or can't get out of bed yet, ask for a Shampoo-Cap. It is a shower cap with built in shampoo. They warm it up and it is like a warm massage on your scalp and removes much of the daily grime. Just towel dry afterward.
6. If you know it will be a long stay for your loved one, bring a bag of non-perishable snacks and food. The hospital has food, but it comes at a price!
7. If you are feeling nauseous...try nibbling on plain potato chips or chewing some gum. We were told that the Mayo Clinic had done some research on this and something about these things helps ease the nausea. It worked for my hubby.
8. If your loved one has a pain pump or "PCA" to deliver medication on demand (usually it will only give so many doses in an hour), talk to the pain doctors about allowing you to helping during times when your loved one is asleep. Nurses will tell you not to help the patient medicate...but in the initial phases of pain management, it helps to keep track and remind your loved one when it is time to push the button. Getting behind the pain is hard to recover from versus keeping it under control in the first place.
Resting in His promises.
The hospital stay continues. Living mostly at the hospital and partly at home is tiring. Our family is ready to be home together. Everything improved so much today, hopefully the end of the hospital stay is near. I took a lesson learned not too long ago and put it into practice....it made my outlook on this journey much more positive.
In Genesis when God created the world, each verse says "there was evening and morning, the (first) day". As such, we rest before we work (unless you work the night shift). Use the evening to spend your time preparing yourself for the next day. After putting the kids to bed I was tired and unable to focus for long, but I needed time with God and determined to do my best. I was reading in Jeremiah because I knew of one verse there that I really like, and then I found another one that states things I already know, but it was good for my heart to read it as stated directly from God and not some human being.
The first verses I knew: Jeremiah 29:11-14a "For I know the plans I have for you' -this is the Lord's declaration- 'plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You will call to Me and I will listen to you. you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you.' -this is the Lord's declaration..." HCSB
The ones I found: Jeremiah 31:33b-34 "I will put My teaching within them and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be My people. No longer will one teach his neighbor or his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' for they will all know Me, from the least to the greatest of them' -this is the Lord's declaration. 'For I will forgive their wrongdoing and never again remember their sin." HCSB
Spending time reading the Word and surrendering myself to Him brings such a peace of mind. Even when the verses that touch my heart don't obviously make a statement about my life circumstances, they do make a statement to my frame of mind and my spiritual journey. It reminds me to keep my focus on the important things and to trust God to care for everything...especially things I cannot control or have the energy to think about right now.
In Genesis when God created the world, each verse says "there was evening and morning, the (first) day". As such, we rest before we work (unless you work the night shift). Use the evening to spend your time preparing yourself for the next day. After putting the kids to bed I was tired and unable to focus for long, but I needed time with God and determined to do my best. I was reading in Jeremiah because I knew of one verse there that I really like, and then I found another one that states things I already know, but it was good for my heart to read it as stated directly from God and not some human being.
The first verses I knew: Jeremiah 29:11-14a "For I know the plans I have for you' -this is the Lord's declaration- 'plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You will call to Me and I will listen to you. you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you.' -this is the Lord's declaration..." HCSB
The ones I found: Jeremiah 31:33b-34 "I will put My teaching within them and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be My people. No longer will one teach his neighbor or his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' for they will all know Me, from the least to the greatest of them' -this is the Lord's declaration. 'For I will forgive their wrongdoing and never again remember their sin." HCSB
Spending time reading the Word and surrendering myself to Him brings such a peace of mind. Even when the verses that touch my heart don't obviously make a statement about my life circumstances, they do make a statement to my frame of mind and my spiritual journey. It reminds me to keep my focus on the important things and to trust God to care for everything...especially things I cannot control or have the energy to think about right now.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Be Still and Know that I AM GOD.
The second day at the hospital started out great. Then after a morning nap the pain increased and it felt like we were back at square one. His body was slow to get going after such a big surgery and he needed more medical intervention to help his body have time to start up again. It was very scary and very stressful. Drama, drama, drama. It was one step forward and two steps back. Family once again stepped in and were there with us. I shot off prayer requests via text messaging and silently prayed. Tests showed he was okay, just in need of a slower recovery plan. We got a new nurse who was kind enough to explain the delays and medications and reasonings for the actions she took. The other good outcome was that we figured out exactly what was needed to manage his pain levels. Once we could do that, the other steps to recovery were once again within reach.
The third day was much less eventful. Still perfecting the pain management, but learning more and more. Our children came to visit and I was finally able to take them home for the night as a not-quite-complete family. They immediately showed a decreased stress level in their behavior. It was relieving to have family stay with my husband while I was caring for our children. It was so relaxing to be at home too. I was able to prepare the house for his home-coming and be my own person again.
I had been missing my alone time in my own space. I had been missing my time with God. I prayed a lot in the hospital, but with so much going on and having family not active in their faith around, I didn't find/make that time to just be quiet with God. Once you know that peace when you are still and quiet with the Lord, you miss it when you don't get it. Especially when the world around you is so unfamiliar.
The third day was much less eventful. Still perfecting the pain management, but learning more and more. Our children came to visit and I was finally able to take them home for the night as a not-quite-complete family. They immediately showed a decreased stress level in their behavior. It was relieving to have family stay with my husband while I was caring for our children. It was so relaxing to be at home too. I was able to prepare the house for his home-coming and be my own person again.
I had been missing my alone time in my own space. I had been missing my time with God. I prayed a lot in the hospital, but with so much going on and having family not active in their faith around, I didn't find/make that time to just be quiet with God. Once you know that peace when you are still and quiet with the Lord, you miss it when you don't get it. Especially when the world around you is so unfamiliar.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Hospital stay
The day of surgery was a good day. The children stayed with us at the waiting area for the morning. We passed the afternoon playing cards and chatting after family took the children home for nap.
Recovery went better than the first surgery and it was relieving to know we would be staying at the hospital. Our first night was filled with interruptions and pain management. I brought the flat pillow from home and my neck paid the price.
The first day after was a day I had no preparation for because I'd never had a similar experience to go from. We had planned for my husband to be out of bed and I would go visit the children in the afternoon. The nurse was very slow in getting medication to us and he was unable to sit up, let alone get out of bed. I got stressed because I didn't know what delays were acceptable or not. My children were expecting me, but there was no way I could go.
I called the nurse and my frustration showed. She came quickly and finally delivered the long awaited meds. Unfortunately the pill made him sick...perhaps a blessing in disguise. In order to clean the bed he had to muster up the courage and get out of bed. He showed great improvement after emptying the left over gunk from surgery out of his belly.
Our family was understanding and came to visit us. The children were happy and carefree. Then I was able to relax and I knew God had been working the whole time.
Recovery went better than the first surgery and it was relieving to know we would be staying at the hospital. Our first night was filled with interruptions and pain management. I brought the flat pillow from home and my neck paid the price.
The first day after was a day I had no preparation for because I'd never had a similar experience to go from. We had planned for my husband to be out of bed and I would go visit the children in the afternoon. The nurse was very slow in getting medication to us and he was unable to sit up, let alone get out of bed. I got stressed because I didn't know what delays were acceptable or not. My children were expecting me, but there was no way I could go.
I called the nurse and my frustration showed. She came quickly and finally delivered the long awaited meds. Unfortunately the pill made him sick...perhaps a blessing in disguise. In order to clean the bed he had to muster up the courage and get out of bed. He showed great improvement after emptying the left over gunk from surgery out of his belly.
Our family was understanding and came to visit us. The children were happy and carefree. Then I was able to relax and I knew God had been working the whole time.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Carrying Each Other's Burdens
The day of surgery is ever nearer and I find myself almost detached...aren't I supposed to be emotional or something? :) ..."and my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19
As I am doing loads of laundry and packing for the big event, it is not about me anymore. It is about supporting my husband as he prepares for a life altering surgery with a long road to full recovery. It is about preparing for my children as they will be cared for by other family members. It is about spending time in prayer so that when the time comes, I can be the godly support, comforter, encourager that my family needs.
I still have remaining concerns over my family being separated for a short while, but I am accepting of the situation. I know my place and my God-given priorities. I trust that God will provide the wisdom and discernment to know when and where I need to be during this time.
Thank you, Lord, for the peace you have surrounded me with. Thank you for being my rock, the foundation I can fall upon to lift me up and keep me from crumbling. Thank you for your children who are lifting us up and providing for us in the ways you have called them to. I place my household under the protection of the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ tonight and the remainder of this journey. Enable us to get the rest we need and to remain healthy. I pray you would also surround my husband and my children with your peace. I pray that the cancer would fully be removed and you would deliver us from this trial. I praise you for doing what is best for us in all circumstances that may come. In Jesus Name, Amen.
As I am doing loads of laundry and packing for the big event, it is not about me anymore. It is about supporting my husband as he prepares for a life altering surgery with a long road to full recovery. It is about preparing for my children as they will be cared for by other family members. It is about spending time in prayer so that when the time comes, I can be the godly support, comforter, encourager that my family needs.
I still have remaining concerns over my family being separated for a short while, but I am accepting of the situation. I know my place and my God-given priorities. I trust that God will provide the wisdom and discernment to know when and where I need to be during this time.
Thank you, Lord, for the peace you have surrounded me with. Thank you for being my rock, the foundation I can fall upon to lift me up and keep me from crumbling. Thank you for your children who are lifting us up and providing for us in the ways you have called them to. I place my household under the protection of the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ tonight and the remainder of this journey. Enable us to get the rest we need and to remain healthy. I pray you would also surround my husband and my children with your peace. I pray that the cancer would fully be removed and you would deliver us from this trial. I praise you for doing what is best for us in all circumstances that may come. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Pre Op Appointment
We had a good pre op appointment with the doctor. It was very informative about what to expect. We don't have to do the fat free diet after surgery -Praise the Lord! Also, the incision will be smaller than what I was thinking it would be, so God willing, recovery won't be as bad as I was fearing!
We did more blood work to test for cancer "markers". If the markers come back elevated the surgery is off and chemo is on. I'm expecting them to be at normal levels because they were last time...I pray they are normal.
We also printed off the actual reports from prior testing. In the notes of the pathology report it said a lymph node was more "prominent" causing them to look at it closer. It still fit within normal ranges, but it reassures me of our choice for the surgery. If it was a growing cancer mass, we will be getting it out soon!
I also am preparing for my absence at work and it was so thrilling to pass off some of my most detested tasks. I'm getting excited to see family and spend time 100% focused on my loved ones.
We did more blood work to test for cancer "markers". If the markers come back elevated the surgery is off and chemo is on. I'm expecting them to be at normal levels because they were last time...I pray they are normal.
We also printed off the actual reports from prior testing. In the notes of the pathology report it said a lymph node was more "prominent" causing them to look at it closer. It still fit within normal ranges, but it reassures me of our choice for the surgery. If it was a growing cancer mass, we will be getting it out soon!
I also am preparing for my absence at work and it was so thrilling to pass off some of my most detested tasks. I'm getting excited to see family and spend time 100% focused on my loved ones.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Preparing and Trying to De-Stress
This past weekend before the surgery I have been working like mad to get the house ready and the children's things ready to be cared for by others. Family came over to help out and provided us with a big home cooked meal. The help was wonderful, but at the end of the day I was stressing out a lot.
I thought I was stressed about the surgery because it was a big surgery. But as I discover more about my emotions in looking at why in the world I was stressed after the family help, I realized I am not as worried about the surgery as I am in the fact that this surgery will separate my family and I will not be able to be in two places at once.
It kills me that my husband will be in the hospital while my children will be cared for by family. I can be with one or the other, but not both. I will not be able to meet the needs of my whole family and must trust others. I also know that I won't be able to care for my children if I don't first know that my husband is safely through this surgery. Now that I know what is bothering me, I can pray better and prepare better...I just feel like time is running short and I don't want to over prepare and neglect the time I have with my family whole...I'm a worry-wart. Even though I trust God with the outcome, I want to do my part the best I can. I wonder if sometimes I take that too far. I probably do.
I thought I was stressed about the surgery because it was a big surgery. But as I discover more about my emotions in looking at why in the world I was stressed after the family help, I realized I am not as worried about the surgery as I am in the fact that this surgery will separate my family and I will not be able to be in two places at once.
It kills me that my husband will be in the hospital while my children will be cared for by family. I can be with one or the other, but not both. I will not be able to meet the needs of my whole family and must trust others. I also know that I won't be able to care for my children if I don't first know that my husband is safely through this surgery. Now that I know what is bothering me, I can pray better and prepare better...I just feel like time is running short and I don't want to over prepare and neglect the time I have with my family whole...I'm a worry-wart. Even though I trust God with the outcome, I want to do my part the best I can. I wonder if sometimes I take that too far. I probably do.
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Warrior is a Child
This may be one of my most emotional posts. It's late at night and I'm tired, stressed. That seems to be the time when I am most vulnerable and unable to stay strong.
I don't know how to be vulnerable to others. I can in writing because I don't have to be there while you read this. Those of you who know me will probably get on my case tomorrow, but if I called you, I don't really know what I would say. How do you talk about the hurts and sadness that you don't even understand yourself? Yes, I know the feelings are normal for what I'm going through. I know they are okay to have. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to hug and cry on their shoulder and have them tell me...I don't know...something that would make me feel better. I don't know if there is anything you could say to me to help. I know so much of what everyone tells me when they are trying to help, but I feel the pain of it anyway.
I just want this cancer to go away. I wish it never came here. I wish my husband didn't have to go through this surgery. I wish this was done. I don't want to be where I am.
The title to this blog comes from a song by Twila Paris. It is exactly what I'm going through right now...I have no other words to describe it:
Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child
As I write and read this, my emotions become more clarified thoughts. What is bothering me right now? The stress of all the small details of preparing my home and family for a drastic change to our lives. The stress of being afraid of the effects this surgery will have on the man I know as my husband. It is no small surgery and definitely going to be a challenging recovery...I suppose I might call someone now...now that I have an idea of what is causing the emotions.
I don't know how to be vulnerable to others. I can in writing because I don't have to be there while you read this. Those of you who know me will probably get on my case tomorrow, but if I called you, I don't really know what I would say. How do you talk about the hurts and sadness that you don't even understand yourself? Yes, I know the feelings are normal for what I'm going through. I know they are okay to have. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to hug and cry on their shoulder and have them tell me...I don't know...something that would make me feel better. I don't know if there is anything you could say to me to help. I know so much of what everyone tells me when they are trying to help, but I feel the pain of it anyway.
I just want this cancer to go away. I wish it never came here. I wish my husband didn't have to go through this surgery. I wish this was done. I don't want to be where I am.
The title to this blog comes from a song by Twila Paris. It is exactly what I'm going through right now...I have no other words to describe it:
Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child
As I write and read this, my emotions become more clarified thoughts. What is bothering me right now? The stress of all the small details of preparing my home and family for a drastic change to our lives. The stress of being afraid of the effects this surgery will have on the man I know as my husband. It is no small surgery and definitely going to be a challenging recovery...I suppose I might call someone now...now that I have an idea of what is causing the emotions.
Lessons to Learn
At one point in my life I had to learn how to trust God with everything in me...it is easy to give him things I can't control, but the things I have a say in, I like to depend on myself. I think I'm overcoming that big lesson learned. At least it doesn't seem to be coming up as often. God tends to do that. He allows things to happen in your life to help you learn important lessons to strengthen your walk with him. Life circumstances also have other results and influences in our lives, but learning and growing is always part of it.
Right now I am realizing that I need to spend more time in prayer. More time communicating with God. I don't like to communicate period. I do what is necessary, but it is a social skill that I just have always avoided my entire life. Going through this journey in my personal life, it is really bringing that to my attention for the moment. The Bible says to "pray without ceasing". I'm more of the type to pray when I'm in a bind and when something really good happens. The in-between times I just don't have that ongoing connection. With God's help and your prayers I can learn this lesson too. Not just the head knowledge, but to the point where it becomes ingrained in my daily life as part of my normal behavior.
As you can read, my emotions are much more stable today. I had myself a good cry and we were able to make more plans for our upcoming surgery. Sometimes the emotions just need to get out. It doesn't mean I'm not trusting God. It is just part of living through a hard journey in life.
Right now I am realizing that I need to spend more time in prayer. More time communicating with God. I don't like to communicate period. I do what is necessary, but it is a social skill that I just have always avoided my entire life. Going through this journey in my personal life, it is really bringing that to my attention for the moment. The Bible says to "pray without ceasing". I'm more of the type to pray when I'm in a bind and when something really good happens. The in-between times I just don't have that ongoing connection. With God's help and your prayers I can learn this lesson too. Not just the head knowledge, but to the point where it becomes ingrained in my daily life as part of my normal behavior.
As you can read, my emotions are much more stable today. I had myself a good cry and we were able to make more plans for our upcoming surgery. Sometimes the emotions just need to get out. It doesn't mean I'm not trusting God. It is just part of living through a hard journey in life.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Surgery Date and Planning
Surgery has just been scheduled and now the planning and preparations truly get underway. My emotions are very unstable right now and I don't know quite why. My guess is concern over my children during this time and of course for my husband's recovery. It is expected to be a grueling process for him from the research I have done.
Sometimes when I take a step back and look through this blog and my life's recent events I can't believe that I am the one in the middle of this chaos. I don't know how I am making it through other than the grace of God. Now that I know I've got another surgery to get my family through, I am recognizing the unconscious stress. I sleep a more shallow sleep...no dreams that I remember, but vague thoughts and the word surgery with images of the surgeon and my husband's faces. I awake for no apparent reason and in the morning I feel as though I could sleep another few hours. I will probably go and take a break after this to just spend some time away from life and rest in the arms of God.
It's ironic. A few months ago my life was good from the outside and I was only dealing with my own struggles. Now my world is tossed upside-down and I barely even recognize the old worries I used to have. They seem stupid and so ridiculous compared to what my family is going through right now. Finances and future planning seems to be just a passing thought fluttering by in the wind somewhere out there...I only focus on those I love and what they need. I've been told to take time for me, but I feel better when I know my husband and my children are stable and comfortable. I don't have any desires for myself right now...I just want everything to work out okay and have my family whole again.
Sometimes when I take a step back and look through this blog and my life's recent events I can't believe that I am the one in the middle of this chaos. I don't know how I am making it through other than the grace of God. Now that I know I've got another surgery to get my family through, I am recognizing the unconscious stress. I sleep a more shallow sleep...no dreams that I remember, but vague thoughts and the word surgery with images of the surgeon and my husband's faces. I awake for no apparent reason and in the morning I feel as though I could sleep another few hours. I will probably go and take a break after this to just spend some time away from life and rest in the arms of God.
It's ironic. A few months ago my life was good from the outside and I was only dealing with my own struggles. Now my world is tossed upside-down and I barely even recognize the old worries I used to have. They seem stupid and so ridiculous compared to what my family is going through right now. Finances and future planning seems to be just a passing thought fluttering by in the wind somewhere out there...I only focus on those I love and what they need. I've been told to take time for me, but I feel better when I know my husband and my children are stable and comfortable. I don't have any desires for myself right now...I just want everything to work out okay and have my family whole again.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Decision Made
Last night my husband decided to go with the surgery to remove the lymph nodes. When he told me it was a mixed sense of relief for knowing how to prepare myself for the future along with the dread of having to prepare for a massive surgery. We talked about how we wanted to plan for the surgery and how to plan for our children during that time. It was nice to have something to talk about again. We'd already gone over the options so many times it was redundant and hadn't had much to talk about until he made a decision.
We were given some money to help us out and we're going to purchase a comfy recliner for my husband's time recovering from the surgery. God continues to provide. I think sometimes I forget that God really does want to hear about each detail and each concern. Sometimes I think I should be able to do things on my own without him. Perhaps that is a lesson I'm still learning. I spent some time in prayer last night, and this morning instead of hitting my snooze button I got up and read a little of my bible before getting the rest of the family up for the day. Little steps. One step at a time.
Now I'm waiting to hear what the surgery date will be. I've been researching other people's stories of their recovery times and experiences. It ranges from pain management to diet cautions...from the least extreme to the worst. There were some good ideas for foods to eat. I guess one diet requirement to prevent bad side effects is to go completely fat free while the body heals. Something about what the lymph nodes produce and not overwhelming your body with it. I'm sure we'll get instructions at the hospital too. Information helps me a lot because I can plan and if you haven't figured it out by now I am a planner...or a control freak :) I like to have a smidgen of control over what is going on around me!
We were given some money to help us out and we're going to purchase a comfy recliner for my husband's time recovering from the surgery. God continues to provide. I think sometimes I forget that God really does want to hear about each detail and each concern. Sometimes I think I should be able to do things on my own without him. Perhaps that is a lesson I'm still learning. I spent some time in prayer last night, and this morning instead of hitting my snooze button I got up and read a little of my bible before getting the rest of the family up for the day. Little steps. One step at a time.
Now I'm waiting to hear what the surgery date will be. I've been researching other people's stories of their recovery times and experiences. It ranges from pain management to diet cautions...from the least extreme to the worst. There were some good ideas for foods to eat. I guess one diet requirement to prevent bad side effects is to go completely fat free while the body heals. Something about what the lymph nodes produce and not overwhelming your body with it. I'm sure we'll get instructions at the hospital too. Information helps me a lot because I can plan and if you haven't figured it out by now I am a planner...or a control freak :) I like to have a smidgen of control over what is going on around me!
Rough Day
Yesterday was a rough day. Nothing specific happened, but I think it may have been a combination of things. I have let everyone at work know the generic information of the journey my family is on with cancer. A lot of people give me sympathetic looks and I'm getting a lot of extra "How are you's" walking down the hall. That doesn't really bother me that bad because I know they care...but they don't need to feel sorry for me either. I explained it to a friend in this way:
I've been living with cancer over a month now. I've gotten past the initial fears of death and despair. I'm now trying to deal with the daily life and the enormity of each next step. Don't feel sorry for me and try to bring me back to square one of the journey, pray for me and help me along with the here and now.
Also, I did expect that type of reaction from people. It's only human. I am thankful for my friends and family who are simply available to lend an ear or lift up a prayer. The other things that may have lent themselves to my difficult day was that I read a particularly sad story on the cancer support forum and the simple process of waiting for my hubby to decide what he wants to do for cancer treatment. No answer is a "good" answer. No answer is easy or obvious.
It is hard to work full time because my heart and a good portion of my mind is at home. When I am home caring for my family I have the most peace of mind and sense of stability. It was a beautiful day yesterday and the children were finally able to play outdoors and they had a wonderful time. Bath-time filled the tub with dirt from their hair, but it was all worth it. My coworkers have started a meal delivery system and it is a blessing to not have to worry about what's for dinner each day.
I've been living with cancer over a month now. I've gotten past the initial fears of death and despair. I'm now trying to deal with the daily life and the enormity of each next step. Don't feel sorry for me and try to bring me back to square one of the journey, pray for me and help me along with the here and now.
Also, I did expect that type of reaction from people. It's only human. I am thankful for my friends and family who are simply available to lend an ear or lift up a prayer. The other things that may have lent themselves to my difficult day was that I read a particularly sad story on the cancer support forum and the simple process of waiting for my hubby to decide what he wants to do for cancer treatment. No answer is a "good" answer. No answer is easy or obvious.
It is hard to work full time because my heart and a good portion of my mind is at home. When I am home caring for my family I have the most peace of mind and sense of stability. It was a beautiful day yesterday and the children were finally able to play outdoors and they had a wonderful time. Bath-time filled the tub with dirt from their hair, but it was all worth it. My coworkers have started a meal delivery system and it is a blessing to not have to worry about what's for dinner each day.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
CT Scan and Results
The day of the CT scan we made it a family morning. All of us went to the hospital and kept daddy company while we waited. After the scan we had a family breakfast before we had to go our separate ways. Results were expected the next day, so I didn't worry to much that day. Late that afternoon my husband called with the results...they were in early! My immediate thought was: "Results early...it must mean they found more cancer!" But he proceeded to say that the scan revealed "no evidence of cancer". After I got over the shock, I was elated! I told everyone and I was so relieved. Could it really be possible that there was an end to this journey?
I did praise the Lord and thank him for the news. It was all him after all!
We had another appointment scheduled the next day to discuss our next steps. I fully expected to hear that we could either do a round of chemo/radiation or we could just do surveillance. My husband and I were thinking we would probably do the surveillance with the tumor removed and no spreading to be seen. Little did we know that there was more information we weren't aware of.
The doctor informed us that in the pathology report of the tumor there were cancer cells found in the tubes that travel to the lymph nodes. This meant that it was possible the cancer had already spread, but wasn't developed enough to show on the CT scan. This struck a devastating blow. Our options did include chemo and surveillance, but it also included the option for a surgery to remove the lymph nodes. Each option carried heavy risks. There was not an easy decision to be made. After being so elated and expecting to be almost done with this cancer journey...there was another hurdle to get through. This one came much closer to home.
Chemo carries life-long side effects, but the lowest chance of recurrence.
Surgery carried it's own risks, and depending on what was found could mean a low chance of recurrence or the need for chemo anyway.
Surveillance carried the highest risk of recurrence with some life-long side effects from the surveillance methods.
So began the game of the what-ifs and figuring out what our true priorities were in this process. We're leaning towards the surgery, because we think it is still early for the cancer...continue praying. I'm making more of an effort to pray each day and read the Word. It helps me to read the healing verses to my husband and it gets my Bible into my hands so I am more likely to read it for myself too.
I did praise the Lord and thank him for the news. It was all him after all!
We had another appointment scheduled the next day to discuss our next steps. I fully expected to hear that we could either do a round of chemo/radiation or we could just do surveillance. My husband and I were thinking we would probably do the surveillance with the tumor removed and no spreading to be seen. Little did we know that there was more information we weren't aware of.
The doctor informed us that in the pathology report of the tumor there were cancer cells found in the tubes that travel to the lymph nodes. This meant that it was possible the cancer had already spread, but wasn't developed enough to show on the CT scan. This struck a devastating blow. Our options did include chemo and surveillance, but it also included the option for a surgery to remove the lymph nodes. Each option carried heavy risks. There was not an easy decision to be made. After being so elated and expecting to be almost done with this cancer journey...there was another hurdle to get through. This one came much closer to home.
Chemo carries life-long side effects, but the lowest chance of recurrence.
Surgery carried it's own risks, and depending on what was found could mean a low chance of recurrence or the need for chemo anyway.
Surveillance carried the highest risk of recurrence with some life-long side effects from the surveillance methods.
So began the game of the what-ifs and figuring out what our true priorities were in this process. We're leaning towards the surgery, because we think it is still early for the cancer...continue praying. I'm making more of an effort to pray each day and read the Word. It helps me to read the healing verses to my husband and it gets my Bible into my hands so I am more likely to read it for myself too.
Post Surgery & Waiting on Pathology Reports
The night we came home from the surgery my hubby and I slept on the couch and set an alarm to wake up every 3 hours to keep on top of the pain medication. It was similar to having a newborn and waking up to feed your baby. You just do what needs to be done and you don't really notice the lack of sleep...or at least I didn't. After my husband was asleep, I was restless. My mind was still in overdrive. Suddenly it impacted me and I said the words to myself as tears slipped down my cheeks, "My husband has cancer." Sadness enveloped me and I distracted myself with a book. The next morning I was thrilled to have our children returned home. I had missed them so much! They were happy to be home and told us about the fun they had the night before. It was a very lazy day. The children watched a lot of television while sitting close to daddy...he was thankful to have made it through the surgery and glad to be with his little ones. I spent the day caring for them all and working around the house trying to make things easier on them.
The second day after surgery I went back to work and the kids went back to school. My husband was well enough to care for his basic needs and had everything he needed at his fingertips. I didn't realize it, but I was under stress that entire day. I felt bad for leaving him and not caring for his needs one more day, and I wasn't sure how he was emotionally. After having so much prayer support and depending so fully on God, I didn't keep it up. I didn't spend much time reading my bible and I didn't spend a lot of time praying at all. I was busy caring for everything around me as usual, but I didn't care for myself. It was as if I had a lazy attitude thinking that the prayer support and the time I spent with God should have carried me through the rest of this journey too. Isn't it amazing how we neglect our relationship with our Lord and Savior so quickly? I just didn't want to take the time to slow down my own activities and focus on what really mattered.
Thursday came and the doctor had asked my husband to email and ask about the pathology reports. He emailed and we didn't get any news. I was at work again, but fortunately, my boss allowed me to work at home. It was calming to be at home where I knew I could help my husband if he needed me. No answers came that day.
Friday I returned to a full day of work. It wasn't very productive. All I could think about were the answers I was hoping for and stressing over what it might do to the rest of my life. I was physically shaky and I left work for the day with the most painful headache I'd had in a long time. The doctor called my husband and said the reports weren't in yet...news would have to wait. On Monday, the doctor was in surgery so we couldn't get any answers that day either. Finally on Tuesday we got the long awaited news. It was cancer and it was an aggressive cancer, a CT scan was scheduled next to see if the cancer had spread at all. The news about the aggressive cancer came as a bit of a shock, although I knew it was possible. The CT scan was a routine thing and I wasn't worried about it.
I had researched this type of cancer and I knew what we were up against, or I thought I did...I continued to neglect my prayer time and scripture reading.
The second day after surgery I went back to work and the kids went back to school. My husband was well enough to care for his basic needs and had everything he needed at his fingertips. I didn't realize it, but I was under stress that entire day. I felt bad for leaving him and not caring for his needs one more day, and I wasn't sure how he was emotionally. After having so much prayer support and depending so fully on God, I didn't keep it up. I didn't spend much time reading my bible and I didn't spend a lot of time praying at all. I was busy caring for everything around me as usual, but I didn't care for myself. It was as if I had a lazy attitude thinking that the prayer support and the time I spent with God should have carried me through the rest of this journey too. Isn't it amazing how we neglect our relationship with our Lord and Savior so quickly? I just didn't want to take the time to slow down my own activities and focus on what really mattered.
Thursday came and the doctor had asked my husband to email and ask about the pathology reports. He emailed and we didn't get any news. I was at work again, but fortunately, my boss allowed me to work at home. It was calming to be at home where I knew I could help my husband if he needed me. No answers came that day.
Friday I returned to a full day of work. It wasn't very productive. All I could think about were the answers I was hoping for and stressing over what it might do to the rest of my life. I was physically shaky and I left work for the day with the most painful headache I'd had in a long time. The doctor called my husband and said the reports weren't in yet...news would have to wait. On Monday, the doctor was in surgery so we couldn't get any answers that day either. Finally on Tuesday we got the long awaited news. It was cancer and it was an aggressive cancer, a CT scan was scheduled next to see if the cancer had spread at all. The news about the aggressive cancer came as a bit of a shock, although I knew it was possible. The CT scan was a routine thing and I wasn't worried about it.
I had researched this type of cancer and I knew what we were up against, or I thought I did...I continued to neglect my prayer time and scripture reading.
Monday, March 14, 2011
The BIG day
The day of surgery came. I went to work for a short while to finish what I needed to get done. I picked up my children from school early and as a special treat we went to a play place for lunch. They had a great time. Afterward I took them home for an early nap and spent some quality time with my husband before it was time to go to the hospital.
I didn't know what to expect, this was my first surgery experience ever. The children knew that daddy had a doctor appointment. Our oldest knew that he was going to get a shot (the worst thing that could happen in her mind). They gave him a special stuffed animal that sang our one of our special family songs. They were ready for him an hour earlier than expected. It was hard to say goodbye to the children so unexpectedly, but the help of our family members soothed the children and took them for the rest of the night. The kids had a great time with their extended family and I am so grateful to have had family in town to help us.
I went back to the prep area with him and we signed forms and got more information on what to expect. I think we prayed and talked and had some good moments until it was time to let go. Saying our goodbyes I couldn't help but cry. I wasn't afraid, but it hurt to let go and not be there for him. I was thankful that I had family members waiting for me to keep me busy and involved. We actually had a good time. Earlier in the day I had requested prayer from many different prayer warriors and I was not emotional at all. I candidly talked about how God was working in my life and providing for all my needs so that I wasn't an emotional wreck. We shared about how we each dealt with the news and tried to support my husband. I shared some verses and tidbits and I hope that seeds were planted in good soil that day. After the surgery the surgeon came to me and said he had stopped by pathology quickly and the thought was that the tumor was cancer, but a slow moving cancer and the tumor was a small one. I knew exactly what he was talking about and I was able to explain my research to my family.
It took longer than expected for the recovery and we didn't leave the hospital until late in the evening. My loving family stayed with me and helped me get home with my husband until we were all set. God provided and gave us wonderful support through our extended family and the body of Christ who were praying for us.
I didn't know what to expect, this was my first surgery experience ever. The children knew that daddy had a doctor appointment. Our oldest knew that he was going to get a shot (the worst thing that could happen in her mind). They gave him a special stuffed animal that sang our one of our special family songs. They were ready for him an hour earlier than expected. It was hard to say goodbye to the children so unexpectedly, but the help of our family members soothed the children and took them for the rest of the night. The kids had a great time with their extended family and I am so grateful to have had family in town to help us.
I went back to the prep area with him and we signed forms and got more information on what to expect. I think we prayed and talked and had some good moments until it was time to let go. Saying our goodbyes I couldn't help but cry. I wasn't afraid, but it hurt to let go and not be there for him. I was thankful that I had family members waiting for me to keep me busy and involved. We actually had a good time. Earlier in the day I had requested prayer from many different prayer warriors and I was not emotional at all. I candidly talked about how God was working in my life and providing for all my needs so that I wasn't an emotional wreck. We shared about how we each dealt with the news and tried to support my husband. I shared some verses and tidbits and I hope that seeds were planted in good soil that day. After the surgery the surgeon came to me and said he had stopped by pathology quickly and the thought was that the tumor was cancer, but a slow moving cancer and the tumor was a small one. I knew exactly what he was talking about and I was able to explain my research to my family.
It took longer than expected for the recovery and we didn't leave the hospital until late in the evening. My loving family stayed with me and helped me get home with my husband until we were all set. God provided and gave us wonderful support through our extended family and the body of Christ who were praying for us.
Answers finally...almost.
For our visit with the cancer specialist I was on pins and needles. Finally we should get answers. While I prayed for God's will, I hoped the doctor would tell us that it was certainly just an infection needing antibiotics or a harmless cyst that we could ignore unless it developed problems. Instead he told us it was most likely cancer. Surgery to remove it would be set for Monday, followed by a week of waiting for the pathology reports.
In preparing for the surgery I cried as I spoke to the few close friends/family that I had trusted to talk to. My close friend recommended that I read Philippians 4 and meditate on it. I needed that guidance. There were several verses in Philippians that spoke to my heart. The first was verse 4: "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice!" You're probably confused that this was the verse that first touched my heart. It was a reminder that God was in control of this situation. God had already known this was coming and prepared the way for me and my family to get through whatever happened. I could rejoice in having such a great God to rely on and trust.
The next verse was verses 6-7: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." This passage gave me guidance on how to pray and promised that God's unexplainable peace would guard me and my family. I began to pray giving thanks that God was here loving me and my family. I gave thanks that God had a plan for us and would provide everything we needed through it all. I gave thanks that he would guide the doctor's hands and care for my husband when I couldn't...in giving God specific thanks, I was reminding myself of his love and that he was trustworthy. I was giving God the glory for all that was happening in our lives. I was filled with a peace that removed my fears. I prepared for the day of surgery as if it were just another special occasion. I prepared my husband's things and loved on him. I prepared for my children who would be taken care of by other family members, and I set up the house for his homecoming from the hospital. Everyone around me who knew what I was going through seemed more concerned than I was. I asked for prayer that I would be a witness to the family who were going to be there to support me. I asked that God would be glorified and obviously present because I was more concerned for others than myself. Only God could have done that for me. My natural tendency is to internalize my pain and withdraw. What an awesome God he is!
In preparing for the surgery I cried as I spoke to the few close friends/family that I had trusted to talk to. My close friend recommended that I read Philippians 4 and meditate on it. I needed that guidance. There were several verses in Philippians that spoke to my heart. The first was verse 4: "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice!" You're probably confused that this was the verse that first touched my heart. It was a reminder that God was in control of this situation. God had already known this was coming and prepared the way for me and my family to get through whatever happened. I could rejoice in having such a great God to rely on and trust.
The next verse was verses 6-7: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." This passage gave me guidance on how to pray and promised that God's unexplainable peace would guard me and my family. I began to pray giving thanks that God was here loving me and my family. I gave thanks that God had a plan for us and would provide everything we needed through it all. I gave thanks that he would guide the doctor's hands and care for my husband when I couldn't...in giving God specific thanks, I was reminding myself of his love and that he was trustworthy. I was giving God the glory for all that was happening in our lives. I was filled with a peace that removed my fears. I prepared for the day of surgery as if it were just another special occasion. I prepared my husband's things and loved on him. I prepared for my children who would be taken care of by other family members, and I set up the house for his homecoming from the hospital. Everyone around me who knew what I was going through seemed more concerned than I was. I asked for prayer that I would be a witness to the family who were going to be there to support me. I asked that God would be glorified and obviously present because I was more concerned for others than myself. Only God could have done that for me. My natural tendency is to internalize my pain and withdraw. What an awesome God he is!
More Waiting
The frustrating thing about your world turning upside-down for a medical concern such as cancer, is the waiting process between each doctor visit and each test that is done. The test for the ultrasound came back from the radiologist the following week and the primary care physician told us the results were "inconclusive" and we needed to see a specialist for follow-up. Mentally my jaw dropped. How could the tests be inconclusive?! That was the worst answer we could have received...it was basically no answer at all.
So the waiting continued. We continued to hope for the best, and some days I bought into the belief that perhaps it was just an infection or a harmless cyst. But after the ultrasound was done, a second lump appeared near the first. Inwardly my heart sank and I prepared myself for the worst. I tried to avoid it, but found my mind wandering to how I would support my children financially without my husband...how I might attempt to help them cope with the loss of their daddy and how I would raise them to remember him. Some days I floated through, just numb to the world. Other days I was good and able to focus and almost forget the unknown future in store for me.
My emotions were all over the place. I was strong and confident that this was part of God's plan for our lives and he 'works all things for the good of those who love him', so I didn't concern myself too much with the future. I couldn't stop all those thoughts and fears, but they did not overwhelm me. On the bad days, I just was filled with a sadness. It wasn't fear. It was sadness, a deep wellspring of sadness that tears would just fall from my eyes without control.
Finally, we made it to the next doctor appointment with the specialist. I hoped to have answers, but we did not receive that. We got more information of the possibilities, blood tests done, and another visit with now a cancer specialist. After this visit (since it was the first I attended with my hubby) I felt much more informed and aware of our situation. The doctor said it could be cancer, but he wasn't experienced enough and was referring us to the most experienced doctor available to us. The appointment was set for the very next day (another Friday). I hoped to have answers in the morning.
So the waiting continued. We continued to hope for the best, and some days I bought into the belief that perhaps it was just an infection or a harmless cyst. But after the ultrasound was done, a second lump appeared near the first. Inwardly my heart sank and I prepared myself for the worst. I tried to avoid it, but found my mind wandering to how I would support my children financially without my husband...how I might attempt to help them cope with the loss of their daddy and how I would raise them to remember him. Some days I floated through, just numb to the world. Other days I was good and able to focus and almost forget the unknown future in store for me.
My emotions were all over the place. I was strong and confident that this was part of God's plan for our lives and he 'works all things for the good of those who love him', so I didn't concern myself too much with the future. I couldn't stop all those thoughts and fears, but they did not overwhelm me. On the bad days, I just was filled with a sadness. It wasn't fear. It was sadness, a deep wellspring of sadness that tears would just fall from my eyes without control.
Finally, we made it to the next doctor appointment with the specialist. I hoped to have answers, but we did not receive that. We got more information of the possibilities, blood tests done, and another visit with now a cancer specialist. After this visit (since it was the first I attended with my hubby) I felt much more informed and aware of our situation. The doctor said it could be cancer, but he wasn't experienced enough and was referring us to the most experienced doctor available to us. The appointment was set for the very next day (another Friday). I hoped to have answers in the morning.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Survival Mode
Living through the first couple weeks of waiting and wondering what the lump could be was a nightmare. We found the lump on a Friday evening, so the soonest we could call a doctor was 3 days later. It was disconcerting to wait, but I wasn't fearful yet. The regular doctor saw him that Monday. An ultrasound was ordered for Friday of that week. We still had no answers, it could be anything from a cyst, lypoma, an infection or cancer. It got a little scarier knowing the doctor couldn't immediately rule out cancer. The other difficulty was that I couldn't talk to anyone about my fears -my husband had requested that we not share such a personal issue while it was still unknown. I began fearing for my husband's life. I began wondering how in the world I would raise our children alone, let alone attempt to help them deal with the loss of their beloved daddy. I cried, I stressed, and I felt utterly lost and alone except when I took the time to pray. My prayers didn't have much focus at the time. I prayed for God's will because I know he has our lives in his master plan. I knew God would provide for me whatever the outcome. After days of living in constant lack of focus and fear I realized I hadn't given it to God. I'd prayed and asked for his help, but I was still trying to carry the burden on my own. When I stopped worrying about tomorrow, I put my total trust in God to take care of all of my tomorrows. I began focusing on each specific day, we started doing more things with our children, and with each other. We began carefully talking about this new hurdle we were facing.
It was even scary to talk to my husband because I didn't want to burden him with my uncontrolled emotions and fears. I wanted to support him and help his stability...but after we started talking and listening to each other, we grew closer and eased the other's concerns.
After putting my trust and confidence in the Lord, I went into "survival mode". I stopped making plans for the future and literally only focused on each day as it came...I was too afraid to make plans or dream dreams in case the worst happened and dashed those hopes into the ground. It was another two weeks before I found the way to start living 'normally' again.
Living normally consisted of starting to think of the future again, but not really planning for the future. My husband and I talk of things we want to do, but we only spend time planning for the immediate future...dealing with one step of this journey at a time. Our future dreams are much the same as they were before, but the implications in our thoughts are very different. Now instead of my dreams being expectations, they are simply hopes. Things that I am aware may not occur or could change with the unknown future circumstances. For instance, in survival mode I didn't even dare to think of my youngest child's upcoming birthday. Now we have talked about it, talked about what we'd like to do for her, but it is only talk. We won't start taking actions for it until we have passed some of the more immediate events in our future.
It was even scary to talk to my husband because I didn't want to burden him with my uncontrolled emotions and fears. I wanted to support him and help his stability...but after we started talking and listening to each other, we grew closer and eased the other's concerns.
After putting my trust and confidence in the Lord, I went into "survival mode". I stopped making plans for the future and literally only focused on each day as it came...I was too afraid to make plans or dream dreams in case the worst happened and dashed those hopes into the ground. It was another two weeks before I found the way to start living 'normally' again.
Living normally consisted of starting to think of the future again, but not really planning for the future. My husband and I talk of things we want to do, but we only spend time planning for the immediate future...dealing with one step of this journey at a time. Our future dreams are much the same as they were before, but the implications in our thoughts are very different. Now instead of my dreams being expectations, they are simply hopes. Things that I am aware may not occur or could change with the unknown future circumstances. For instance, in survival mode I didn't even dare to think of my youngest child's upcoming birthday. Now we have talked about it, talked about what we'd like to do for her, but it is only talk. We won't start taking actions for it until we have passed some of the more immediate events in our future.
My Trial and Tribulation
My husband was recently diagnosed with cancer. Cancer created a whole new lifestyle for my family. All of the sudden instead of planning for the future of our family with hopes and dreams...we were preparing for death. Not intentionally, but something about that word, 'cancer', does that to you.
I am so glad that I had already been focused on getting to know God because I have heavily relied on him to get me through this. Having faith and trust in him, has brought a peace to my mind in the midst of this roller-coaster ride of cancer.
In the first few weeks before we knew the lump was cancer for sure, I played out the "Why me, why us, why now?" scenario in my head. I was questioning and trying to understand this sudden change in my life. Again, a subtle and gentle answer popped into my mind, "For Such a Time as This" (a song by Wayne Watson) came. I could only recall the chorus lines, but they deeply impacted me.
For such a time as this, I was placed upon the earth
To hear the voice of God and do His will, whatever it is.
God had brought me to this place for his purposes. There wasn't a reason that I would be able to understand...he was asking me to trust him that he had a purpose for me and my family. I knew God had the whole jigsaw puzzle of my life in his hands and I only saw the few pieces that had been put together so far. I was to seek him, to seek his will, and do it...whatever it was. I had to completely surrender the what-ifs to him. I had to completely surrender my life to him and the people I loved most dearly. If I had not surrendered to him, I would have lost my sanity in the stress of worrying about the future and the why's.
From trusting in Him and being confident in his promises to provide for all my needs and carry me through this journey, he filled me with his peace that passes all understanding. Yes, I still deal with immense sadness and some of my fears still rise up and get to me at times. With that peace and confidence in Him, I am able to be the wife my husband needs and the mother my children need as our family travels this new road called Cancer.
I am so glad that I had already been focused on getting to know God because I have heavily relied on him to get me through this. Having faith and trust in him, has brought a peace to my mind in the midst of this roller-coaster ride of cancer.
In the first few weeks before we knew the lump was cancer for sure, I played out the "Why me, why us, why now?" scenario in my head. I was questioning and trying to understand this sudden change in my life. Again, a subtle and gentle answer popped into my mind, "For Such a Time as This" (a song by Wayne Watson) came. I could only recall the chorus lines, but they deeply impacted me.
For such a time as this, I was placed upon the earth
To hear the voice of God and do His will, whatever it is.
God had brought me to this place for his purposes. There wasn't a reason that I would be able to understand...he was asking me to trust him that he had a purpose for me and my family. I knew God had the whole jigsaw puzzle of my life in his hands and I only saw the few pieces that had been put together so far. I was to seek him, to seek his will, and do it...whatever it was. I had to completely surrender the what-ifs to him. I had to completely surrender my life to him and the people I loved most dearly. If I had not surrendered to him, I would have lost my sanity in the stress of worrying about the future and the why's.
From trusting in Him and being confident in his promises to provide for all my needs and carry me through this journey, he filled me with his peace that passes all understanding. Yes, I still deal with immense sadness and some of my fears still rise up and get to me at times. With that peace and confidence in Him, I am able to be the wife my husband needs and the mother my children need as our family travels this new road called Cancer.
Drawing close to Him
In my journey to find God and grow in my relationship with him, there were many ups and downs. I read my bible for an hour each day...because I thought that is what a good Christian does. I did everything Christian's tell you to do. But I still felt cold and unfeeling about it. I felt like I was lost. I got to know my bible better, but God didn't feel involved. He was there waiting for me to ask him, to involve him in my life. See, God loves us so much that he will not force himself on us. He patiently waits for us to seek him and ask him to be involved. My stubborn, hard-headed self thought I could do this Christian thing without truly needing to ask God for anything in the process. Talk about a one-sided relationship! :)
I got involved with a bible study at work. I made friends with a couple people that I trusted to share my feelings with. They gave me new ideas to think about. They listened to me without judgement and shared God's word in application to what I was going through. This helped me to see God in others. To see what their relationships with him were like. To see how mine could be better.
In the bible, the apostle Paul writes about how he does the thing he does not want to do instead of the thing he wants to do. This may seem like a riddle, but in faith it is very true. As Christians, we have been given a new spirit that desires to please God, we are a new creation. At the same time, we struggle with sin because we have an inner nature that desires the instant gratification we find in our sin. Our spirit struggles with that nature (called our Flesh) and often times I truly wanted to spend time reading my bible so I could be with God, but I let every little excuse keep me from doing that. Until I found Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." As I read that, it felt like a light bulb went off inside my brain. If I can do all things through Christ, perhaps I can do nothing spiritually without him!
I began praying for God to enable me to have the desire to seek him, the will to sacrifice my other activities to spend time reading his word and praying with him. What a difference that made! I no longer was trying to be a Christian in my own power, but I was relying on the power of God. And he not only showed up, but in getting to know him, I have found such a confidence in who he is. I have confidence in his love for me.
I got involved with a bible study at work. I made friends with a couple people that I trusted to share my feelings with. They gave me new ideas to think about. They listened to me without judgement and shared God's word in application to what I was going through. This helped me to see God in others. To see what their relationships with him were like. To see how mine could be better.
In the bible, the apostle Paul writes about how he does the thing he does not want to do instead of the thing he wants to do. This may seem like a riddle, but in faith it is very true. As Christians, we have been given a new spirit that desires to please God, we are a new creation. At the same time, we struggle with sin because we have an inner nature that desires the instant gratification we find in our sin. Our spirit struggles with that nature (called our Flesh) and often times I truly wanted to spend time reading my bible so I could be with God, but I let every little excuse keep me from doing that. Until I found Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." As I read that, it felt like a light bulb went off inside my brain. If I can do all things through Christ, perhaps I can do nothing spiritually without him!
I began praying for God to enable me to have the desire to seek him, the will to sacrifice my other activities to spend time reading his word and praying with him. What a difference that made! I no longer was trying to be a Christian in my own power, but I was relying on the power of God. And he not only showed up, but in getting to know him, I have found such a confidence in who he is. I have confidence in his love for me.
The Beginning
I accepted Christ at a young age. I was raised in the church and had a lot of head knowledge about my faith, but I did not really understand what it was to have a relationship with God...to really know him. I married very young and in my early adult years my heart felt empty, void of emotion towards God. I knew faith was supposed to be alive, active. I was supposed to have a desire to spend time reading my Bible and knowing God more. Slowly I realized that in all my faith and years as a "Christian", I did not know my God. I knew all about him and the traditions of religion, but I did not KNOW him. I began my journey of truly seeking him, praying to know him more and to have the desire to know him. I will never be the same. My life is now an adventure of learning more about the awesome God who created me and loves me so much that he gave everything for me to be able to be a part of his life. The same God loves you more than you know and wants you to know him too.
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