Getting into the "Easter" frame of mind was difficult this year. Life has been so busy and overwhelming that I wanted to recognize and celebrate the glory of our Lord, but I wasn't feeling it.
Easter Sunday was the most difficult day. My hubby had tried a new medication suggested by the doctor and it completely knocked him out. He wasn't able to participate in the morning activities. I was determined to get the children to church at least for Easter (we hadn't been since before the surgery). I was short with the children and raised my voice trying to get out the door on time.
On the way there, my preschooler asked, "Why do we go to church?"
"To learn about God."
"How do you know so much about God?"
"I went to church when I was little just like you."
"Why do you still go to church?"
"I still have more to learn." I thought the conversation was over at this point, but no, she had the last word.
"Yeah, mom. You need to learn to be nice and kind."
Ouch! I admitted my mistake and apologized for my behavior telling her that she was right, I did need to work on being nice and kind with my words. What a lesson. Children teach us so much if we only pay attention.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
(a quote from Pinky & the Brain)
I'm tired and grouchy today. I wasn't sure if I should bother to blog today, even though it has been a while since I last wrote. I figure if this blog is only sunshine and roses, it wouldn't be true to the title of Faith in REALITY....so in reality, how is my faith?
Well, today it feels stalled. Or rather, I feel my brain is clouded with fatigue and long lists of important information I don't want to forget, but haven't had time to process. It is hard to get my mind to quiet itself to hear from God. I'm afraid to even try sometimes because I don't know if I will be able to focus on the things of God in the midst of my thoughts. From the outside, my life has returned to normal. The children are back in school. I'm back at work. Home life is calming, but it is not "normal". In fact, it is different than it has ever been before. We're still living in the temporary void called Recovery. To the children, Daddy, is unable to do the things he used to do with them, but they love to sit with him in his chair. To me, my husband is 'absent' simply because he is unable to be the man he was before surgery. He will be that man again. I know that. It is just a long road to get there. He is there, doing his best to heal and be a part of our lives. I miss working together around the house. I miss the rough-housing and teasing. I miss sitting together watching TV. Being the only healthy parent and only cook/housekeeper/physician, etc. is so exhausting.
I praise the Lord that I have kept up with the tasks that face me each day, but I feel fatigued in my soul...it is a feeling that doesn't go away. I sleep alone at night because my husband has not healed enough to sleep in bed yet. My ears are attuned to the children's night time noises. I will need to answer them if I hear the thud of a child falling out of bed or a cry from a nightmare. My thoughts are always full of what I need to do next to keep life going. I don't think my mind ever rests, even when sleeping.
My quiet time with the Lord yesterday was reading stories of David from my bible while I soaked in the tub...the only down time I really get, except when I have a lunch break at work. I really enjoyed just reading of David. It isn't often that I get engrossed in my bible. Sometimes it is just hard to read, or only a few verses stand out at me that really touch me, but last night it was like reading a novel and I enjoyed that. I'm not even sure what book I was reading, but it was about David being the anointed king over Israel after Saul's death, but before he was recognized and treated as king. He always seemed to have the respectful way to react to issues that came up when it would have been easy for him to react in sin. He seemed to know exactly how God would have him respond. I want to be that close to God too, to hear that small quiet voice behind me saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.' (Isaiah 30:21)
I'm tired and grouchy today. I wasn't sure if I should bother to blog today, even though it has been a while since I last wrote. I figure if this blog is only sunshine and roses, it wouldn't be true to the title of Faith in REALITY....so in reality, how is my faith?
Well, today it feels stalled. Or rather, I feel my brain is clouded with fatigue and long lists of important information I don't want to forget, but haven't had time to process. It is hard to get my mind to quiet itself to hear from God. I'm afraid to even try sometimes because I don't know if I will be able to focus on the things of God in the midst of my thoughts. From the outside, my life has returned to normal. The children are back in school. I'm back at work. Home life is calming, but it is not "normal". In fact, it is different than it has ever been before. We're still living in the temporary void called Recovery. To the children, Daddy, is unable to do the things he used to do with them, but they love to sit with him in his chair. To me, my husband is 'absent' simply because he is unable to be the man he was before surgery. He will be that man again. I know that. It is just a long road to get there. He is there, doing his best to heal and be a part of our lives. I miss working together around the house. I miss the rough-housing and teasing. I miss sitting together watching TV. Being the only healthy parent and only cook/housekeeper/physician, etc. is so exhausting.
I praise the Lord that I have kept up with the tasks that face me each day, but I feel fatigued in my soul...it is a feeling that doesn't go away. I sleep alone at night because my husband has not healed enough to sleep in bed yet. My ears are attuned to the children's night time noises. I will need to answer them if I hear the thud of a child falling out of bed or a cry from a nightmare. My thoughts are always full of what I need to do next to keep life going. I don't think my mind ever rests, even when sleeping.
My quiet time with the Lord yesterday was reading stories of David from my bible while I soaked in the tub...the only down time I really get, except when I have a lunch break at work. I really enjoyed just reading of David. It isn't often that I get engrossed in my bible. Sometimes it is just hard to read, or only a few verses stand out at me that really touch me, but last night it was like reading a novel and I enjoyed that. I'm not even sure what book I was reading, but it was about David being the anointed king over Israel after Saul's death, but before he was recognized and treated as king. He always seemed to have the respectful way to react to issues that came up when it would have been easy for him to react in sin. He seemed to know exactly how God would have him respond. I want to be that close to God too, to hear that small quiet voice behind me saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.' (Isaiah 30:21)
Friday, April 15, 2011
Time for Him
I recently went back to work full time. The hubs is healing well and he is able to do for himself while I'm away at work. It was a big struggle to get back into the working mindset. Working at home is nothing compared to working a full day away from home. Even though it was stressful, I'd quit work in a heartbeat to be a full time mom and wife if it were financially feasible.
Now that my scheduled is has a lot of predetermined time slots taken up, I have had to find a new way to spend time with the Lord. I think I figured a way that will work best for me. I used to rarely ever take a break at work, after coming back full time, I feel the huge amount of stressed returning and I don't want it to be the same as it was before. So I plan to a lunch break each day to get into the Word and spend time with God. (Of course, now that I've made it known, Satan will try to distract me from it...pray for me!) I haven't made it as planned and I still have had to improvise here and there, but I still think it is an attainable goal. For instance, the other day unexpected events at work prevented me from getting a break and I spent some time with God before going to bed instead. I'm researching prayer right now, I think I have things to learn in that area of my life. I really liked Ezra 8:21, 23, and 31 yesterday.
Now that my scheduled is has a lot of predetermined time slots taken up, I have had to find a new way to spend time with the Lord. I think I figured a way that will work best for me. I used to rarely ever take a break at work, after coming back full time, I feel the huge amount of stressed returning and I don't want it to be the same as it was before. So I plan to a lunch break each day to get into the Word and spend time with God. (Of course, now that I've made it known, Satan will try to distract me from it...pray for me!) I haven't made it as planned and I still have had to improvise here and there, but I still think it is an attainable goal. For instance, the other day unexpected events at work prevented me from getting a break and I spent some time with God before going to bed instead. I'm researching prayer right now, I think I have things to learn in that area of my life. I really liked Ezra 8:21, 23, and 31 yesterday.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Starting to Live Again
Cancer is becoming more of a background topic of life instead of the world itself. My husband is healing little by little, and our family is starting to feel whole again. We've started planning our youngest's birthday and sent out invitations. I spent the weekend replacing the weed cover under our playset in the backyard. It was a big task with moving around all the wood chips and then spreading them back out again, but I accomplished it!
Family and friends are still offering their help, but I don't know what to ask for. I'm keeping up fairly well with the housework and caring for my family. I have times where I am weary and feel the weight of the burden I carry, but most of the time I just do what needs to be done. The help I need is more emotional support. To be recognized and acknowlegded for this new identity of caregiver. How do you ask for that? My husband knows. He sees my weak points. I am so thankful for him. He sacrificed his physical comfort to sit beside me on the couch as we watched a movie together. It's amazing how much physical closeness is missed when you can't have it from those you love. Just sitting beside him on the couch instead of across from him in another chair was so comforting to me.
It amazes me sometimes to look back over our marraige and where God has taken us from the young couple we once were. We have both grown so much. We have sacrificed ourselves for the other's good and are such a compliment to each other. God really looked out for us and I am thankful we have Him. Without lessons learned spiritually, I don't know how we'd be where we are today. What a blessed family we are.
Family and friends are still offering their help, but I don't know what to ask for. I'm keeping up fairly well with the housework and caring for my family. I have times where I am weary and feel the weight of the burden I carry, but most of the time I just do what needs to be done. The help I need is more emotional support. To be recognized and acknowlegded for this new identity of caregiver. How do you ask for that? My husband knows. He sees my weak points. I am so thankful for him. He sacrificed his physical comfort to sit beside me on the couch as we watched a movie together. It's amazing how much physical closeness is missed when you can't have it from those you love. Just sitting beside him on the couch instead of across from him in another chair was so comforting to me.
It amazes me sometimes to look back over our marraige and where God has taken us from the young couple we once were. We have both grown so much. We have sacrificed ourselves for the other's good and are such a compliment to each other. God really looked out for us and I am thankful we have Him. Without lessons learned spiritually, I don't know how we'd be where we are today. What a blessed family we are.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Fighting the Battle
This first week home has been another struggle. I am fortunate to be able to work at home. My boss is so compassionate and understanding. Figuring out how to work at home and still chauffuer my children to and from school, care for my hubby and the house, and myself has not been so easy. I feel pressured (probably my own assumptions) from all sides of my life. At home, the piles of laundry and dirty dishes call my name...I also feel compelled to spend quality time with my husband and children...but somehow work at the same time. At work, I am pretty efficient working at home...but when I do go in to work, I feel like my staff doesn't understand what is happening. I don't want them to feel neglected too. I wouldn't doubt if they did because my boss has also been away from work all week sick. I feel pressured to do better and be better. I don't believe I need to be this super-woman I feel pressured to be.
Perhaps this is a spiritual attack that Satan is trying to guilt me and depress me when I am doing a decent job. I am praying for wisdom and discernment to make the right choices on how to spend my time in the best way. I have been called to this place in my life. My ministry is my family first and foremost. Then my home, then my job...Lord help me to know how to do what needs to be done; when it needs to be done, and how best to do it. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Perhaps this is a spiritual attack that Satan is trying to guilt me and depress me when I am doing a decent job. I am praying for wisdom and discernment to make the right choices on how to spend my time in the best way. I have been called to this place in my life. My ministry is my family first and foremost. Then my home, then my job...Lord help me to know how to do what needs to be done; when it needs to be done, and how best to do it. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Home At Last
We were finally able to come home from the hospital 10 days after surgery. It was relaxing and such a relief to finally be home. Everyone was thankful the stressful hospital stay was finally over. Ironically the first day home as a family was the worst day we'd had during the whole experience. The children were extra whiny and demanding. Our youngest had four potty accidents in one afternoon. I didn't react well either...I had wrongly assumed they would be just as relieved and relaxed to be home as I was. That night I talked it through with my hubby. They had spent over a week adjusting to their daddy living in a hospital and taking daily trips to visit him. Now they had to adjust again to having daddy back at home, but not as he was the last time he was home. We decided to take the next few days easy and it went much smoother. For me it was another lightbulb too. When I think I know it all is when I neglect to give it to God and I try doing it all on my own...FAIL. This is a lesson I repeatedly don't recognize until after the fact...one day I have faith it will be engraved on my heart and a no-brainer to rely on Him all the time. Perhaps one day I will know in my heart that I will never reach a place where I don't need Him.
The bright part of the first few days at home, was that I got to visit with my brother. He'd never been to my house since I'd been married so long ago. It was so much fun to talk with him and see how well he interacts with my children. They love their Uncle! They keep asking me to go and pick him up again so they can play. :) Another thing that I loved, and this is probably silly, but I truly appreciated the fact that my brother was comfortable in my home. My messy, cluttered home. It didn't seem to phase him and I didn't feel embarrassed for the mess that I hadn't had a chance to work on in the past few days. Thanks, bud! and thank you, Lord!
The bright part of the first few days at home, was that I got to visit with my brother. He'd never been to my house since I'd been married so long ago. It was so much fun to talk with him and see how well he interacts with my children. They love their Uncle! They keep asking me to go and pick him up again so they can play. :) Another thing that I loved, and this is probably silly, but I truly appreciated the fact that my brother was comfortable in my home. My messy, cluttered home. It didn't seem to phase him and I didn't feel embarrassed for the mess that I hadn't had a chance to work on in the past few days. Thanks, bud! and thank you, Lord!
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