I cried today.

 A fellow homeschooling, Jesus-loving, mama lost her two-year-old son this week.  It was sudden, unexpected, and heart-breaking.  I can't begin to imagine the heartache and pain she and her family are feeling.  Even more, is the humility and hope she shares in her posts about what happened.

She remains positively minded in her writing, firmly placing her faith in God despite the painful circumstances she is in.  She encourages me and inspires me to seek that perspective in my own faith.  Her very first communication after announcing her son's death, invited others to salvation in Christ.  What a powerful witness for the Lord her words are.

My daughter and I had a good conversation today.  I shared the sadness I was feeling and she shared a struggle she was dealing with and how God answered her prayer with a scripture verse earlier that day.  Later, she had a short conversation about hearing from God with our nutritionist, a topic she's been searching for understanding with lately.  It's so amazing the many little things that God uses to touch our hearts and teach us about Himself and who we are in Him.

It also reminds me how important prayer is.  I don't know this fellow mama, other than the unusual commonalities in our lives.  But I know I can pray for her and that is a tangible way I can be the body of Christ to her.   Her mother in law was my 8th grade English teacher.  She has four kids with a big gap between the oldest two and youngest two, also due to a cancer battle like ours.  And, she loves the Lord with all her heart.  So, I have been praying for her, her living children, and her hubby...for their journey in grief, for their spiritual protection, for their marriage and family relationships.  It's a hard road ahead.

What is a little weird is a de ja vu moment I had.  I have always remembered my 8th grade English teacher with fondness, but have never quite remembered her name.  A few months ago, or so, I remember imagining asking a friend from middle school if that was our teacher's name.  I thought about it a couple different times thinking how weird it would be to have that conversation because we don't talk much anymore.  Today I asked her that question after recognizing the last name of the family I am praying for.

I know God can speak in visions and dreams.  These types of moments aren't hugely common for me, but happen often enough that I have learned to pay attention to them.  Now I have also come to the conclusion to start praying about them and for the people they may relate to.

It's Okay.

Sometimes it is okay to not look for that next thing to keep yourself busy or productive.

Sometimes it is okay to just stop.

Stop the process.  

Stop the mental pressures.

Grant yourself the grace and permission to put it all away for the night.

Pick yourself up.

Put yourself to bed at a decent time.

Maybe not because you want to.

But because you can.

UGH.

Whatever can go wrong....no, it isn't truly that bad.  It just gets overwhelming.  We've had a lot going on this past couple months and to top it all off, we got sick too.  The whole family.

It seems to be just a yucky cold virus with lots of snot.  I called to see what to do if it was the dreaded CO- VID, and the doctor's office didn't seem to be concerned.  They just said we could go to their Urgent Care for testing if we wanted, but there wasn't any specific protocol to follow.  So, we figured as long as none of us were needing medical help, we would just stay home and weather whatever this is out.  

It has been a week  and we are on the mend.  It didn't last long and was mostly all contained within the sinuses as far as symptoms go.  The only coughing we had was because of drainage, and the only headaches came from sinus pressure.  So we are doubtful it was that scary stuff.  God has been good to us.

Our oldest was diagnosed with anxiety.  It was a harder pill to swallow than I expected.  I knew she had some anxiety, she always has had fear, but it's been getting worse the past few years to where it interferes with her everyday life.  I guess I just didn't think that anxiety could be the lone cause for everything we have struggled through.  

She is learning to recognize what anxiety is and how it manifests in her life.  She's also learning how to deal with it as well.  Her emotions have a significant impact with her symptoms.  It makes me wonder if the anxiety causes the emotions or if they instigate some of her struggles.  

Girls are often misdiagnosed, or underdiagnosed, when it comes to mental health.  I'm hoping that working on this area will help and perhaps shed light on if there is anything more to pay attention to.

Learning about my daughter's anxiety, I am also recognizing my own anxieties.  I'm tough, independent and stubborn.  But I'm also quite cautious and insecure in a lot of ways.  

Them there is the parent-guilt that comes along with a child's diagnosis.  The typical, how much of this did I cause?  What did I do wrong in parenting her?  Etc.  I know I have done my best and I know parents mess up.  Knowing helps. It's normal for parents to feel guilty, but it still isn't fun to feel.