The Struggle Begins

Day 4 of Chemo:  Fatigue, Digestion Issues, Nausea

My husband's health deteriorates more and more each day.  It hurts to watch him change.  I feel like I'm losing my husband, the man I know him to be is disappearing...he'll return, but it'll be a long while.  He is weak and tired.  He can't participate in our family routine of putting our children to bed and other routines of life at home.  They are missing their daddy and I hurt for them too.  The part of the journey I've been dreading is here...being the single parent, the caregiver-spouse who is on her own.  I have a lot of help and a huge crowd of believers praying for me and my family.  I have my Lord and the blessing of His Word to read.  It still hurts.  I'm still sad.  Not all the time, but right now, at night when I'm alone is when I feel it the most.  I am strong in Christ, but I don't always feel strong.

Yesterday he was tired, but I had the afternoon with him while the children were still at school and we had a good chunk of quality time just hanging out and watching Voyager (yup, we're Trekkie's!).  I so enjoyed yesterday!  Today I worked the whole day through and brought the children home after school got out.  I was tired from a full day and he was already beginning to crash for the evening.  We had a simple supper camped out in the living room, not the normal dinner experience, but at least together.  I want to create new routines centered around our family being together as much as possible.  I want them to still have their daddy as a part of their daily routines, even though our routines are changing.  The balancing act is a challenge.

As I think over all of this, I have a choice to make in my heart.  I can wallow in the 'depths of despair' and beat myself up with misplaced 'mommy guilt' and loneliness or I can look to see what God has in this place right now.  I'm going to spend some time in prayer.  I need to draw close to my Lord and Saviour and find my sustenance and joy in Him.  If there is one thing I know for sure...I cannot do this on my own.

First Day of Chemo

Exhaustion is setting in from the hours spent preparing, stress, and troubled sleep.  I can feel it in my bones.  It's a good thing that the first day of chemo is the easiest.  It is the day that the cancer warrior is still feeling "normal" and feeling good.  We anticipated a 9-hour day, but were blessed to finish at 7-hours.  We passed the time together chatting, playing Words with Friends, snacking, and learning how it all worked.  The nurse we had was very informative and kind.  Her personality was easy to work with.  Some nurses feel more like sergeants giving directions, but she gave us direction and information as well as the freedom to communicate and make our own choices.  As the day ended, he was a little tired and feeling "crummy" in general, but not too bad.  He was able to enjoy dinner with us, his favorite meal: Spaghetti!

I will miss most of his infusion days and I'm not totally comfortable with that situation, but I can't afford to miss a month or more of work.  There's a little of the same emotional struggle I had when he was in the hospital and I knew I had to trust others to care for my children while I cared for my husband.  At least this time he gets to come home every day and I get to be the one to ensure he gets the best care, plus his mom is nearby and can be there for him when I can't.  That helps me feel a little bit better.

I see God at work all around us in the ways many are stepping in to care for us and provide.  I see Him in the good care we are receiving at the hospital (aside from Friday's chaos).  I sense Him in my own calm mindset and my children's easy-going acceptance of the changes in their lives.

I am teaching my children a new routine.  As soon as they step in the door I give them hand sanitizer, they take off their shoes and carry them by hand to the closet to put them away.  Then they change their clothes from the day and put on clean clothes.  Then they can potty and wash their hands and greet their daddy.  It's a totally foreign behavior to me because I tend to lean towards the philosophy that "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt" (to a degree).  Now this dirt can hurt.  They seem to like the responsibility of helping to care for Daddy so far.  I've tried to explain his illness as simply as possible and they seem to understand so far.  I praise the Lord for that.

No mo' Whammy!

I feel like a bucket of bricks got dumped on me.  Today was a horrible, no good day.  :(
I did survive it though and I'm thankful for an understanding boss and co-workers who are willing to step in for me.  I'm also thankful for family who came and helped out.  It was a day full of mixed up medical orders, insurance complications, general delays, and a lot of time spent chasing down information and assistance.  I never thought I'd be one of those people walking in to a clinic and pleading for help from someone immediately (the pharmacy was closing for the weekend, our doctor wasn't in, etc.)!

On the plus side, I did sneak in the first two chapters of Job.  He went through so much more than I'm going through, I thought perhaps I could glean some good- tips from him.  I did.  Chapter 1, verse 1 "that man was blameless and upright, and one who feared God and shunned evil."  verse 3 "this man was the greatest of all the people of the East." (in possessions and wealth)

Satan argues to God that Job has no reason not to follow the Lord because the Lord has blessed him, so the Lord allows Satan power over all Job has.  (verses 9-12)  Job's 10 children and all but 3 servants are killed, and all his livestock are taken away.  Immediately after receiving this news:  verse 20 "Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and WORSHIPED" saying "the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." (verse 21).

Then in Chapter 2, Satan returns to the Lord and the Lord points out to Satan his faithful servant job who was afflicted "WITHOUT CAUSE". (verse 3)  Satan then argues that any man will give up his possessions to save his own life, so the Lord puts Job in Satan's hand, but requires he does not kill Job. (verses 4-6)

Job is then stricken with boils all over his body.  His 3 friends come to comfort him, but "did not recognize him" (verses 7-12).  His friends sat with him for 7 days and 7 nights without saying a word because they saw that "his grief was very great".

I learned that when trials hit Job, he still worshipped God and he did not blame God.  He did not do anything to bring his pain upon himself.  He was so hurt that his friends did not recognize him and did not speak to him for seven days and nights because of his grief.  It is okay to grieve.  Bad things happen to good people and we can still worship and praise the Lord through it all.

Still Denial? or Disbelief is more like it.

I think I must deal with grief differently than others.  I've almost been excited since we found out we start chemo next week.  That sounds awful...I'm glad to have a plan and something to prepare for.  It is still very, very strange because my hubby is still looking and feeling quite well.  Everything will change next week.

I have researched and made my To Do lists and started a grocery list of items we'll need.  I plan to clean my house, but I struggle finding the motivation...it really doesn't seem so bad, but for someone going through chemo, it would be better if it were much cleaner.

The stress level has increased at home and at work.  I know I'm going to be missing time at work so I feel bad for taking normal breaks.  I got irritated easily today.  Probably due to the stress and perhaps the grief process too.  I haven't bargained with God since I was a child, and I know better than to try that now.  I focus on trusting His will is the best thing for me and my family...whatever outcome that means.

People are coming out of the woodwork, so to speak, and offering ways to support us that we never imagined.  Offers to babysit our children for free, offers of a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, we've already received 2 sympathy cards with a lovely sentiment and some small shopping cards.  It makes me cry and I'm so appreciative.  I know it is going to be really hard, but I won't know how hard until it gets there.

We've got an appointment tomorrow to go over the chemo schedule, our girls have an appointment to get their flu shot, I need to get one too as soon as they are available, we have a minor surgery on Friday to get a "Port" implanted, and still a ct scan to schedule by Friday.  Today is already Wednesday.  Life is changing rapidly and I'm swimming in the new terminology of the medications we may use and how to prepare while I'm attempting to still work and go to all the appointments.  BTW, a port will allow him to get his infusions with out getting stuck for an IV each day.  It will stay in until after the chemo is complete.

Well, I've got a date with my man tonight for some of our shows on netflix.  Good night!

Grief

1. Denial

2. Bargaining

3. Anger

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Those are the stages of grief.  I don't know that I have gone through all of them before.  I don't know if my practical mind would allow it.  I could see "denial" as the difficulty to believe that this situation is real.  I know my husband has cancer.  I know we're going to go through 9 long weeks of chemo therapy...and that is if everything goes as planned.  It could take longer if complications arise.  I still have trouble realizing the truth of those words. 

We could start chemo as early as next week.  I should be preparing like crazy, but it all seems so unreal.  I don't even know how to prepare or what to expect.  I have a specific number of PTO hours, and not having gone through this before I don't know what the best way to use those hours might be.  I don't know all the specifics of how his treatment plan will go yet, so I don't know how to prepare the children or myself.  I can't imagine my husband without hair.  All I can imagine from people I've seen with cancer is a tall, gaunt, smooth-skinned figure.  And that isn't my husband at all.

The one thing I thought I knew about chemo turns out to be a false idea too.  Turns out a good number of men after this chemo go on to have children of their own.  A smaller number of course cannot.  I had accepted the fact of no more children and now again, it is a possibility, although a very uncertain one.  I was beginning to plan on what baby items to sell, what to give away, what to share, and how to use the space it would free up.  So much for that. :P

I'm just at a loss right now.  I'm not fearful, not numb.  It just doesn't feel real.  My husband looks healthy.  He feels healthy.  I know it is going to all change, but I can't comprehend it right now.

Coping

Man, this is tough!  I spent most of my evening barely holding back tears last night and crying when I thought about my fears.  Trying to comprehend how life is going to change was, and is, so hard to do.  I keep waiting for the shock to wear off.  I felt numb to the world most of the day today and grocery shopping with my daughter was the only thing to get me out of my numb world.  I actually didn't think about cancer or chemo for an hour!

I read my bible as usual this morning.  It was good.  I prayed on the way to a training class I had to go to, just asking God to keep my heart and mind focused on him and trusting in him.  I cried then, but made it through the class without crying, even though I felt like any little thing said or thought and I'd lose it in front of everybody.   My hubby spent the day watching tv with our children (something they enjoy) and then playing his computer games trying to keep his mind off of cancer.  I think I've considered all the things I know I could fear so far and so I'm not thinking of new fears, but one sad point has been on my mind today.  Chemo is almost a sure bet we will not have any more children.  I wanted God to decide for me if we should have more or shouldn't, but I was hoping he'd give us a child and not cancer.  I'm not depressed about it, but it is a sad bit of closure.  I guess the positive side is that we'll have more space in our house after we give away our baby items that we won't be needing.

I'm tired and will hopefully sleep good tonight.  It helps me cope and work out what's going on in my head to write these blogs.  Thank you for your prayers.  Good-night.

Sometimes He calms the storm, other times He calms His child

The CT scan was today.  We went as a family.  When my hubby went back for the scan, the children and I waited in the waiting room.  My youngest stood up on a chair in the waiting room and serenaded the people waiting in the waiting area.  She sang, "Swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to cherry me home!" over and over.  It was the first glimpse of God's touch in our lives, making a stressful morning less stressful.  My hubby returned to tell me that they had to do an IV, they had attempted the scan without the dye, but needed a clearer view.

Normally, it takes the absolute best of the best to get an IV into one of my husband's veins.  When he was in the hospital for surgery it took 3 attempts each time to get one going.  Our second glimpse of God's provision was that he allowed the person to get the IV started on the first try.

Results came quickly.  Enlarged lymph nodes.  We feared the worst and hoped we were wrong.  Again God was at work.  Our doctor was out of the office until next Monday.  They were able to contact the doctor and he took the time to check the results, personally call my husband and start the process for further testing.  The cancer is back.

It is still very surreal.  The barrage of tests won't begin until next week.  We have at least this one weekend to be a normal family, knowing that once the work week starts again, our lives will change forever once more.  The cancer is very responsive to chemo therapy and likely curable.  Going through this won't be easy.  For whatever reason, God is not calming the storm of cancer, but he is calming his children...us. 

Even before I heard the confirmation of cancer, I had it out with God.  I told him that I was giving it all to him.  All I have is his.  Whatever he wills, I accept.  I asked for the strength to endure this trial.  I asked for his protection for myself and my loved ones.  My children, my husband, myself...the illness, the tests, the waits.  I don't fear the outcome.  I fear the journey.  I need to trust in Him to lead me through step by step.  He did last time, He will again.  It will not be easy.  I anticipate the hardest journey of my life.  I just pray we make it through with minimal scars for my children, my husband, our families.

Unseen Wounds

Our next CT scan is coming in another week.  Watching shows about 9/11 don't help either.  To be honest, I knew it was coming up vaguely.  I didn't give it a second thought.  My viewpoint was that it's just a test we have to get done and a fun morning together eating breakfast out.  I look forward to our breakfast together on scan days once every 3 months.  I don't hardly give the cancer a second thought anymore.  It's done and gone until proven otherwise to my mind.

Unfortunately, that isn't the way my husband sees it.  While he doesn't focus on the what if's, stress levels increase and it bothers him more.  I'm not the one who had cancer so I can't fully understand what he goes through.  I'm glad he shared with me though.  Now I can be more aware of my words and reactions to our lives as the day of the scan draws closer. 

I asked for prayer for him and our family.  One of my close friends asked me why we were going through some tough times.  Her question surprised me.  Her perspective was, "There's no more cancer, you didn't have to go through chemo, aren't you thrilled just to have survived and have life to live?"

Yes, we survived.  Yes, we have life to live together again for long as God wills.  Cancer is not overcome without scars.  Physical scars.  Emotional scars.  There are unseen battle wounds that are slower to heal and overcome than a physical surgery.  The CT scans are routine and expected.  A safety precaution.  But statistics are higher now that we've had cancer once that it could return.  It doesn't even have to be the same cancer returning, our chances are higher for another cancer also.  Each CT scan is a reminder that it may not be over after all.  The first year after cancer has the highest risk of recurrence and we're only 1/2 way through.

Peaceful Patience

The one constant in life is change.  It is the only thing I know I can expect.  I never know when or how, but it is inevitable.

My workplace is going through change.  My viewpoint isn't one you'd expect, and I'm intrigued by my calmness.  I know it is the faith that God is growing in my life.  I have learned to trust Him fully in my life and now that new faith is being perfected through these new challenges of change.  From a worldly perspective, it would be the perfect time to run away and seek something more stable and secure.  But I keep on keeping on.  I trust in my Lord.  He will provide no matter what outcome lands in my lap.  He has me where I am for a purpose.  Whether that purpose is to grow me personally, or to aid in growth He desires for another one of His precious children.  I believe it is for both purposes.

No, I am not always this confident or calm.  I have my moments of emotional meltdowns and my wonderful hubby bears these times out with me, even though I know it can be hard for him.  I have times of self-doubt and second guessing.  I have times of fear and worries of the what if's.  But as I go through more of those times, I see a new perspective and I am learning how Satan manipulates my weak moments to try and create chaos in my mind.  I am learning how to avoid him, to turn away and seek the Lord instead of allowing those things to overwhelm me.  Keeping my eyes on my Lord and not on the waves, so to speak.

Faint light at the end of the tunnel...

Praise the Lord.  He is so good.  He let me see a glimpse of hope today and not just in one area of my life, but in two!  I can see how He is orchestrating the environment of the events in my life and the lives of others for the better.  Not just to save us from our struggles, but that we will be able to help others who are in similar situations.

For instance, my husband worked in a cancer center for 5 years and stayed with the same company after moving to a different department.  He completed his BA degree and for over a year could not find a job in his chosen field.  Because he was still with the same company when he was diagnosed with cancer, he had full benefits and supplemental income benefits to help during his surgeries and time away from work.  Many bosses would not have had the patience to wait for him (being gone longer than FMLA provides for), but his particular boss is a cancer survivor and not only has supported him professionally, but also personally as no other employer would have done.  God provided for my husband all the way and continues to do so.  In our new non-physical struggles God is also providing and guiding us.  He's providing help and the willingness to look into getting help.  It amazes me and I am so grateful.

With the other instance of hope, God is showing me through the lives of godly women around me, just how present He is in our lives.  I am witnessing the struggles of other women and seeing the hope God has given them and the power we have to support each other and be the hands and feet of Christ.  It is so awesome.