I am a glutton for punishment. I watched 'My Sister's Keeper' tonight. It was a good movie. I knew it would be an emotional one and almost didn't watch it, but I'm not sad that I did.
The past several weeks have been intense for me. Discouragement that bordered on depression was becoming part of my view of life and I couldn't figure it out. The no-brainer is that I haven't been spending my time with God. That alone always opens me up for difficulties. The thing was, I knew that I was neglecting that quiet time and I wasn't motivated to change it. It was very dark and didn't seem very rational to me.
I'm positive that a spiritual battle is waging over my life right now, and only after asking for prayer has the darkness lifted. It is still there, but I am not buried beneath the weight of it anymore. I don't know that I have ever faced discouragement like this before. Things in my job and at home seemed so monumental when normally I just deal with them and move on. I grew weary of fighting the good fight. Maybe it is part of dealing with the grieving process of surviving cancer with my husband. Maybe it is solely a spiritual growth issue. Whatever it is, it isn't over.
This thing I cannot face on my own. It confuses me, twists my thoughts, defeats my will to fight. I don't know why I am so stubborn and prideful sometimes. I am far from perfect and I also know that I am not as near to worthless as the devil would have me believe. Knowing isn't enough. Doing isn't enough. It must be a heart battle. I cannot overcome on my own power. God has to do something in me. I need to allow him to do whatever he needs to do. Even though I feel like I should be done persevering, I need Him to give me rest and teach me to live in that rest as I continue following Him.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Contentment
Well, I think I've attained the goal of being able to wait on the Lord. Now, if I could only be patient and stay content in my circumstances. Have you ever just wished for a change, but God says "no", or at the very least, "not yet"? I've been there lately and it is so hard! The good news is I am not stressing over how to make change happen. The bad news is that I have struggled to be happy and content with where I am.
I keep reminding myself that "whatever I do, do it as unto the Lord" and also to count my blessings because I can't deny that God has blessed me in many ways. My husband has a t-shirt that says, "Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional." Well, I have made a choice work on growing up spiritually, but I sure wish it came more naturally and without so much struggle! God must have a never-ending supply of patience. I know that I must test it on a regular basis in my struggle between flesh and spirituality!
As a side note, our 3-month follow up and first chest x-ray since chemo is coming up soon. I'm not really stressed over it, I have some questions and mostly I'm just interested to learn more of what the doctor has to say about the healing process and progressing from chemo to being healthy again. I did have a nagging fear in the back of my mind for a while and I asked a few people for prayer. I am feeling much more at peace again. I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to live through cancer. I've been trying to write about our experiences...it is hard to relive those moments. I pray that we never have to face them in real life again.
I keep reminding myself that "whatever I do, do it as unto the Lord" and also to count my blessings because I can't deny that God has blessed me in many ways. My husband has a t-shirt that says, "Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional." Well, I have made a choice work on growing up spiritually, but I sure wish it came more naturally and without so much struggle! God must have a never-ending supply of patience. I know that I must test it on a regular basis in my struggle between flesh and spirituality!
As a side note, our 3-month follow up and first chest x-ray since chemo is coming up soon. I'm not really stressed over it, I have some questions and mostly I'm just interested to learn more of what the doctor has to say about the healing process and progressing from chemo to being healthy again. I did have a nagging fear in the back of my mind for a while and I asked a few people for prayer. I am feeling much more at peace again. I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to live through cancer. I've been trying to write about our experiences...it is hard to relive those moments. I pray that we never have to face them in real life again.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The struggle in the wait...
Waiting on the Lord is such a different way of life to me. I am used to stressing about all the decisions for my tomorrow's and worrying over whether or not I made the right choices that day. Basically, analyzing and second-guessing everything.
Now, I am trusting God for my tomorrow's. I am realizing that second-guessing myself only hurts me. It's okay to review my day and note choices that I could have done better and note specific ways I could do better next time, but it isn't okay for me to stress over the unknown possibilities or results of some choices. It has been said and done, for better or worse that day. There is only repentance, forgiveness and learning. Not giving into condemning myself for mere possible negative results.
I'm finding that being in this place of resting in the Lord has opened me up to new attacks on my peace in God. I am now facing discouragement and self-doubt in ways I never had before. I have more insecurities than I ever imagined. I am vulnerable because I am refusing to take control from God. Vulnerability allows the Lord to reach me when I read his word and look for him in my situations. I notice so much more the involvement he has in my life. I also notice more all my defects. Reminding myself of the promises of God and how he thinks of me is so important now. I need that reassurance and to remember his perspective because mine is flawed. It is what gets me past the attacks of insecurity and doubt and focuses me on the Lord.
Now, I am trusting God for my tomorrow's. I am realizing that second-guessing myself only hurts me. It's okay to review my day and note choices that I could have done better and note specific ways I could do better next time, but it isn't okay for me to stress over the unknown possibilities or results of some choices. It has been said and done, for better or worse that day. There is only repentance, forgiveness and learning. Not giving into condemning myself for mere possible negative results.
I'm finding that being in this place of resting in the Lord has opened me up to new attacks on my peace in God. I am now facing discouragement and self-doubt in ways I never had before. I have more insecurities than I ever imagined. I am vulnerable because I am refusing to take control from God. Vulnerability allows the Lord to reach me when I read his word and look for him in my situations. I notice so much more the involvement he has in my life. I also notice more all my defects. Reminding myself of the promises of God and how he thinks of me is so important now. I need that reassurance and to remember his perspective because mine is flawed. It is what gets me past the attacks of insecurity and doubt and focuses me on the Lord.
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