Wowsers! My day yesterday was consumed with concern over my daughter's health. The worry had been building over the past several days after noticing some changes in her habits and odd symptoms. The problem was that some symptoms could be circumstantial, but at the same time, some of them were potential serious problems. Instead of calling her pediatrician (I didn't want to have to pay for a visit if I didn't need to), I spent time searching her symptoms on the internet and not finding conclusive answers. I finally realized I was stressing over it and I prayed giving it to God, but I don't think I really let go of it because I kept wondering and doubting myself over it all. So, I gave in and called the doctor who of course had me come in. Turns out I was overly concerned, but she may have an infection, so the money I spent didn't feel totally wasted. That whole evening at home the weight of the burden of stress slowly released itself and my body physically felt it. I was exhausted and went to bed an hour early. I was mentally a little jittery and restless. I was also so relieved to have the confirmation that my child was for the most part healthy.
What just boggles my mind is that huge, heavy burden of stress that I was carrying and adding to for the past few days...I didn't even recognize it for what it was! I had an inkling of the stress which led me to pray, but because I was so involved in my worrying and trying to figure things out for myself, I didn't lean on God, I didn't ask for His help, and I didn't see the burden I had created.
Even with my quiet time with God, I missed this. I should know better...but how many times do we enter into sin just a smidgen at a time until suddenly it overwhelms us?! My devotion from Proverbs31 today gave a great illustration of this...read it at: www.proverbs31.org/devotional_print.php?d=2011-07-28
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Time with God Update
I am happy to share I have been able to keep up my bible reading twice a day (before bed and first thing when I wake up). I'm so grateful for my loving parents who gave me a Holman Christian Standard Bible for Christmas! I love that bible. It is easy to read and understand, plus it has a built in commentary to help me understand the culture, traditions, and use of the language from the author's time. I don't always agree with the commentary author's interpretations of the bible, but many times their insight brings so much more depth to my understanding of God's word!
I'm still reading through Psalms in the mornings. It is a more upbeat book of the bible and when I am praising God, it is so much easier to start my day out right! As a matter of fact, the other day I was having a dull day at work plugging along through my tedious paperwork. I have several youtube playlists of Christian music, but when I started listening to the Worship music, even without me singing along, I could just feel my office fill with the presence of the Holy Spirit! It really uplifted my mood and changed my attitude!
At night I have made it through Proverbs and Song of Solomon, and now I am going through Isaiah. Honestly, Isaiah is a hard read for me. It is full of prophecy. Some prophecies were already fulfilled, some are double prophecies (fulfilled at one time and to be fulfilled again). I don't always understand the prophecies, the commentary helps, but doesn't go into all the eschatology (study of end times) of it either. So as I'm reading, I am praying for God to teach me and give me insight to what he wants me to learn. Some passages touch me and others I take in for God to use at a later date in my life.
Proverbs 2:1-5 (actually the whole chapter is awesome if you want to read it) "My son, if you receive my words, and treasure my commands within you, so that you incline your ear to wisdom, and apply your heart to understanding; yes if you cry out for discernment, and lift up your voice for understanding, if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."
I still feel a lack of communication with the Lord despite my time in the Word. I feel a desire, a need to talk with God more...more of what a relationship entails. To have a deeper more meaningful prayer life. That's a little more challenging and I know Satan likes to make me think that God's too far away or not listening, but I KNOW better and have to remind myself of God's promises to me:
Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know."
1 John 5:14 "Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."
1 Corinthians 2:9-13 "But as it is written: 'Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.' But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God. For what man knows the things of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so no one knows the things of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might know the things that have been freely given to us by God. These things we also speak, not in words which man's wisdom teaches, but which the Holy Spirit teaches, comparing spiritual things with spiritual."
I'm still reading through Psalms in the mornings. It is a more upbeat book of the bible and when I am praising God, it is so much easier to start my day out right! As a matter of fact, the other day I was having a dull day at work plugging along through my tedious paperwork. I have several youtube playlists of Christian music, but when I started listening to the Worship music, even without me singing along, I could just feel my office fill with the presence of the Holy Spirit! It really uplifted my mood and changed my attitude!
At night I have made it through Proverbs and Song of Solomon, and now I am going through Isaiah. Honestly, Isaiah is a hard read for me. It is full of prophecy. Some prophecies were already fulfilled, some are double prophecies (fulfilled at one time and to be fulfilled again). I don't always understand the prophecies, the commentary helps, but doesn't go into all the eschatology (study of end times) of it either. So as I'm reading, I am praying for God to teach me and give me insight to what he wants me to learn. Some passages touch me and others I take in for God to use at a later date in my life.
Proverbs 2:1-5 (actually the whole chapter is awesome if you want to read it) "My son, if you receive my words, and treasure my commands within you, so that you incline your ear to wisdom, and apply your heart to understanding; yes if you cry out for discernment, and lift up your voice for understanding, if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."
I still feel a lack of communication with the Lord despite my time in the Word. I feel a desire, a need to talk with God more...more of what a relationship entails. To have a deeper more meaningful prayer life. That's a little more challenging and I know Satan likes to make me think that God's too far away or not listening, but I KNOW better and have to remind myself of God's promises to me:
Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know."
1 John 5:14 "Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."
1 Corinthians 2:9-13 "But as it is written: 'Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.' But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God. For what man knows the things of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so no one knows the things of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might know the things that have been freely given to us by God. These things we also speak, not in words which man's wisdom teaches, but which the Holy Spirit teaches, comparing spiritual things with spiritual."
Monday, July 18, 2011
Accepting God's Answers
I have always wanted a son. I was afraid of daughters before I had them because I am anything but girly and feared my ability to bring them up acceptably for society (seems silly now). Before my husband was diagnosed with cancer, I was determined that another child (preferably a boy) would be part of our future. I wanted another child so much that I was convinced we needed one to be a complete family. I couldn't imagine our family without adding one more member, even if it was another girl (grin).
Once cancer became part of our lives I was happy just to have my husband alive. We faced the possibility of not being able to have future children of our own. I grieved, I cried over the loss of a child I hadn't even conceived yet. We talked with the surgeon before surgery that if worse came to worse, a healthy husband was far more important than protecting the possibility of future children.
Thankfully, having more children is still possible, but our thoughts toward expanding our family have drastically changed. Instead of needing more children, it is something that we both would like, but isn't necessary to be happy. In light of our changing world I wonder about the wisdom in having more children...this bible verse makes me wonder:
Matthew 24:19 "How dreadful will it be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers!"
Our children have always been planned. Recently we thought an unplanned pregnancy had begun...it hadn't, but there is no denying that my hopes immediately shot high in the sky! An unplanned baby would be a pure blessing from God that He specifically planned without us intentionally purposing to have a child. Learning that I wasn't pregnant was disappointing, but still okay. It served to teach me how much I still would like to be a mother again, but also in the reality of the circumstances of our life right now, I can be perfectly content not having other children. God is still in control. He knows what is best for us.
This time his answer is, "Not now, wait." or "No." I don't know the future, but as I live through this I am reminded of the blessings I have in the family I love so much already. There are perks to not having to go through pregnancy and babyhood again, but I know in my heart, like my mother, I would always joyously welcome another addition despite any challenges it might bring.
Once cancer became part of our lives I was happy just to have my husband alive. We faced the possibility of not being able to have future children of our own. I grieved, I cried over the loss of a child I hadn't even conceived yet. We talked with the surgeon before surgery that if worse came to worse, a healthy husband was far more important than protecting the possibility of future children.
Thankfully, having more children is still possible, but our thoughts toward expanding our family have drastically changed. Instead of needing more children, it is something that we both would like, but isn't necessary to be happy. In light of our changing world I wonder about the wisdom in having more children...this bible verse makes me wonder:
Matthew 24:19 "How dreadful will it be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers!"
Our children have always been planned. Recently we thought an unplanned pregnancy had begun...it hadn't, but there is no denying that my hopes immediately shot high in the sky! An unplanned baby would be a pure blessing from God that He specifically planned without us intentionally purposing to have a child. Learning that I wasn't pregnant was disappointing, but still okay. It served to teach me how much I still would like to be a mother again, but also in the reality of the circumstances of our life right now, I can be perfectly content not having other children. God is still in control. He knows what is best for us.
This time his answer is, "Not now, wait." or "No." I don't know the future, but as I live through this I am reminded of the blessings I have in the family I love so much already. There are perks to not having to go through pregnancy and babyhood again, but I know in my heart, like my mother, I would always joyously welcome another addition despite any challenges it might bring.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
What Tomorrow May Bring
Moments of joy, moments of great sorrow. I know we can expect them both. Matthew 24 is a chapter in the Bible where Jesus speaks of what we can expect to happen in the "last days".
v.4-5 Then Jesus replied to them (disciples): "Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in My name, saying, 'I am the Messiah,' and they will deceive many.
v.6-8 You are going to hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not alarmed, because these things must take place, but the end is not yet. For nation will rise up against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these events are the beginning of birth pains.
Read about world events in our recent history and they are full of natural disasters, earthquakes, wars and rumors of wars -especially in the Middle East right now. These are but the beginnings of birth pains....and what do birth pains do? They increase in frequency and in magnitude. We are seeing this prophecy coming to pass. I am not troubled by this, but by what I must endure next:
v.9 Then they will hand you over for persecution, and they will kill you. You will be hated by all nations because of My name.
And yet, what troubles me is not concern for myself or persecution I might endure, but the sorrow of living through persecution and sorrow my family; my husband and children might endure. Some believe that the Rapture will happen between the events of verse 8 and the events of verse 9. The Bible truly doesn't say precisely either way. The persecution of Christians is already happening in other places around the world. In the United States I see society headed soundly down that path.
While I may endure great sorrow or watch my loved ones do the same, my heart's prayer is for the salvation of my loved ones. Not just my children, but for those I love who have not chosen to follow Jesus Christ as their Savior. Our destinies all will meet at the same place. The feet of God Almighty. Is your name written in the book of Life or will He look into your eyes and say, "I knew you not."?
Salvation:
Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only, begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Salvation is free. A gift. All we must do is accept it, believe in Him, and confess with our mouths.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
v.4-5 Then Jesus replied to them (disciples): "Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in My name, saying, 'I am the Messiah,' and they will deceive many.
v.6-8 You are going to hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not alarmed, because these things must take place, but the end is not yet. For nation will rise up against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these events are the beginning of birth pains.
Read about world events in our recent history and they are full of natural disasters, earthquakes, wars and rumors of wars -especially in the Middle East right now. These are but the beginnings of birth pains....and what do birth pains do? They increase in frequency and in magnitude. We are seeing this prophecy coming to pass. I am not troubled by this, but by what I must endure next:
v.9 Then they will hand you over for persecution, and they will kill you. You will be hated by all nations because of My name.
And yet, what troubles me is not concern for myself or persecution I might endure, but the sorrow of living through persecution and sorrow my family; my husband and children might endure. Some believe that the Rapture will happen between the events of verse 8 and the events of verse 9. The Bible truly doesn't say precisely either way. The persecution of Christians is already happening in other places around the world. In the United States I see society headed soundly down that path.
While I may endure great sorrow or watch my loved ones do the same, my heart's prayer is for the salvation of my loved ones. Not just my children, but for those I love who have not chosen to follow Jesus Christ as their Savior. Our destinies all will meet at the same place. The feet of God Almighty. Is your name written in the book of Life or will He look into your eyes and say, "I knew you not."?
Salvation:
Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only, begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Salvation is free. A gift. All we must do is accept it, believe in Him, and confess with our mouths.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Triumph through Tragedy
David Wilkerson (recently passed on) sent out sermons. In a meeting today, we read one. It was about the Demonic Flood of Fear and how Christians who "triumph through tragedy" all experience 3 things:
1. A choice: To trust in God or to remain in worry and fear.
2. An Eclipse of Faith: a moment in their tragedy where they are in a cloud of darkness and don't hear from God. It is in this cloud that they must rely on faith and their knowledge of God's promises and still believe.
3. Acting Faith: Faith is a command and God responds to those who exercise it.
In my blogs, I hope you can recall my journey in this. Because each of those steps is so utterly true and necessary. When my husband got cancer, I chose to trust in God. I knew that I had to or my fears would consume me and I would be useless to my husband and children in this trial. I had many dark moments where I wondered where God was and what the point of it all was. But I had His first answer for me "For such a time as this" and also the knowledge that God is love and His ways are not my ways. I didn't always feel God's peace, but I believed. I turned to Him for every need...not always immediately, but when I did, He always answered.
1. A choice: To trust in God or to remain in worry and fear.
2. An Eclipse of Faith: a moment in their tragedy where they are in a cloud of darkness and don't hear from God. It is in this cloud that they must rely on faith and their knowledge of God's promises and still believe.
3. Acting Faith: Faith is a command and God responds to those who exercise it.
In my blogs, I hope you can recall my journey in this. Because each of those steps is so utterly true and necessary. When my husband got cancer, I chose to trust in God. I knew that I had to or my fears would consume me and I would be useless to my husband and children in this trial. I had many dark moments where I wondered where God was and what the point of it all was. But I had His first answer for me "For such a time as this" and also the knowledge that God is love and His ways are not my ways. I didn't always feel God's peace, but I believed. I turned to Him for every need...not always immediately, but when I did, He always answered.
A Christian Woman
The tumor markers all came back as normal! Praise the Lord, he is good. :)
I used my birthday money this year to purchase two books that I think will help me gain insight in the two biggest areas I need spiritual help with. Surprisingly enough, both books are by the same author, Julianna Slattery. The first is called Finding the Hero In Your Husband, and the second is Guilt Free Motherhood.
I ordered the first one because I know there is more to marriage than where I am now (not that mine is struggling, although we've had our ups and downs) and the second because I beat myself up mentally over my failures as a mother. I'm not a bad wife, I'm not a bad mom...however, I'm not a perfect woman and I know full well that I have so much more to become as a faith-filled woman.
The first chapter of the "Husband" book has been enlightening. I noted many small tidbits of helpful information. The thing that God pointed out to me was a little surprising and makes me feel a little foolish to admit it, but it was a light bulb that I needed to have turned on: Guess what? Marriage takes TWO (well, actually three including God) but I had overlooked my own role in my marriage! I ordered the book so I could learn about how to support my husband as a wife ought. The study guide's last question for Chapter 1 was to write a letter to God about your marriage. I should note that typically my prayers for my marriage involve my husband and God working in his life, or using me to help...not that God would work in MY life and change ME to do better! Here God is revealing my pride again and putting me back in my place. The revelation gave me a new perspective and I'm into the second chapter ready for more lessons learned!
I used my birthday money this year to purchase two books that I think will help me gain insight in the two biggest areas I need spiritual help with. Surprisingly enough, both books are by the same author, Julianna Slattery. The first is called Finding the Hero In Your Husband, and the second is Guilt Free Motherhood.
I ordered the first one because I know there is more to marriage than where I am now (not that mine is struggling, although we've had our ups and downs) and the second because I beat myself up mentally over my failures as a mother. I'm not a bad wife, I'm not a bad mom...however, I'm not a perfect woman and I know full well that I have so much more to become as a faith-filled woman.
The first chapter of the "Husband" book has been enlightening. I noted many small tidbits of helpful information. The thing that God pointed out to me was a little surprising and makes me feel a little foolish to admit it, but it was a light bulb that I needed to have turned on: Guess what? Marriage takes TWO (well, actually three including God) but I had overlooked my own role in my marriage! I ordered the book so I could learn about how to support my husband as a wife ought. The study guide's last question for Chapter 1 was to write a letter to God about your marriage. I should note that typically my prayers for my marriage involve my husband and God working in his life, or using me to help...not that God would work in MY life and change ME to do better! Here God is revealing my pride again and putting me back in my place. The revelation gave me a new perspective and I'm into the second chapter ready for more lessons learned!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Rollar Coaster Update
Well, I did have a week of struggle spiritually after the high of the in-service, but it wasn't the steep downhill fall that I've gone through before. Keeping my quiet time with God helped keep me on the right track and my thoughts in proper perspective. I feel like God is asking for more time with me and I've been avoiding more than the few minutes I give him already...is that sad or what? Why do we do that? I know I'm not the only one...just read the old testament! How many times did Israel turn away from God and resist him onl to later go back to him to be forgiven? That encourages me to keep trying and not to get stuck in my failures and mistakes. I can do this and I will. He will enable me to do it!
On a side note, today we had our follow up visit after the CT scan. All looks good and we're technically considered in 'remission'. We did do some more blood work today for tumor markers and other surgery related health issues, but the doctor didn't see anything worrisome. Next set of testing is in 3 months. The doctor wasn't overly positive or negative. Just proactive in ensuring nothing was missed...a bit of an eye-opener for me. It made me more fully aware of the on-going journey with cancer. Even though it is currently not visible, it could return...not that I'm afraid of cancer coming back, but a realization that I don't have the luxury of forgetting about it. It is part of our lives and will be for years to come.
On a side note, today we had our follow up visit after the CT scan. All looks good and we're technically considered in 'remission'. We did do some more blood work today for tumor markers and other surgery related health issues, but the doctor didn't see anything worrisome. Next set of testing is in 3 months. The doctor wasn't overly positive or negative. Just proactive in ensuring nothing was missed...a bit of an eye-opener for me. It made me more fully aware of the on-going journey with cancer. Even though it is currently not visible, it could return...not that I'm afraid of cancer coming back, but a realization that I don't have the luxury of forgetting about it. It is part of our lives and will be for years to come.
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