I am on a spiritual high and desire to share this blog with some people I know. I'm waiting for permission and also trying to think this idea through completely. If I get permission I'm certain to share, but I have a small amount of fear regarding that decision too.
Past experiences have proven that I have some super good moments in my faith and I also have some super bad times where I am lost in sin and not the role model some people may expect me to be. It is a roller coaster because I am human and I make mistakes. Sometimes it is because I didn't think before I acted. Other times it is because I have fallen into temptation or have stubbornly ignored God...those times are not so fun to share. Especially with friends. I don't want to be judged.
This blog is such a true revelation of where I am spiritually at the time each post is written, it will make me extremely vulnerable to those who know me. I suppose that is the risk in living your life out loud. At the same time, God has done so many wonderful things and changed my life so amazingly, how can I not share?
Monday, June 27, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Serving Humbly
Writing about this doesn't feel humble, but it was such an awesome experience, I can't keep it inside. God was so present and He was so awesome. Yesterday afternoon I was asked to give devotions for our staff meeting. We discussed whether I should give the devotion or another one of my godly coworkers. Both of us felt like I was the one who should do it. We prayed about it and asked for God's will...but it just felt certain in my mind that I was supposed to speak. After accepting that God wanted me to bring a devotion, at first I got panicky...just a little bit. What in the world was I supposed to speak about?
I prayed. I was thinking that I wanted to somehow talk to my friends and coworkers about finding the way back to God, how to spend time with Him...how to really know Him and not just go through the motions. But it also had to relate to childcare and the job we have in reaching them on a spiritual level and not just the academics or physical care. How was I to do that? What did God want me to say? What verses should I bring?
I typed up some verses not knowing if I should use any of them at all. I went home and found water everywhere in my fridge...the freezer had been clogged for a while and I didn't realize it had dripped water on every shelf and in every drawer. I spent my night busy with my family and cleaning out my fridge. Then after the kids were in bed I spent some time with my husband. As I got ready for bed I ready a few chapters of Psalms and prayed that God would just tell me what He wanted me to say. Then remembering the power of prayer that got me through the cancer and I sent off emails and requests to KLOVE radio, my family and friends on facebook. In the morning I got ready and as I did, I remembered the church from my past blog and suddenly I knew exactly what to talk about.
I prayed throughout the morning and God showed up. He allowed me to be a part of something so wonderful. I was nervous, but so compelled to share. I can't remember the exact words I said, I know what I talked about and I didn't care how I appeared...I just knew this was what I was called to do. After I spoke, several ladies spoke up and also shared what they'd been struggling with. We had an awesome time in prayer, praying for each other. I can't even count how many "thank you's" and comments people shared with me afterwards.
I don't feel like I deserve the thanks. I don't feel undeserving...it's kind of odd. I feel like I am the recipient taking memos for God when I'm told how my devotions touched their lives. It was Him. All Him. I have no power to reach their hearts and effect change. The Holy Spirit was at work today and I was just blessed to be a part of it. All those who were praying were also part of it and had a huge impact. Despite the things Satan attempted to throw in God's way, the power of prayer and obedience overcame and Christ reigned supreme today. The Glory belongs to the Lord.
I prayed. I was thinking that I wanted to somehow talk to my friends and coworkers about finding the way back to God, how to spend time with Him...how to really know Him and not just go through the motions. But it also had to relate to childcare and the job we have in reaching them on a spiritual level and not just the academics or physical care. How was I to do that? What did God want me to say? What verses should I bring?
I typed up some verses not knowing if I should use any of them at all. I went home and found water everywhere in my fridge...the freezer had been clogged for a while and I didn't realize it had dripped water on every shelf and in every drawer. I spent my night busy with my family and cleaning out my fridge. Then after the kids were in bed I spent some time with my husband. As I got ready for bed I ready a few chapters of Psalms and prayed that God would just tell me what He wanted me to say. Then remembering the power of prayer that got me through the cancer and I sent off emails and requests to KLOVE radio, my family and friends on facebook. In the morning I got ready and as I did, I remembered the church from my past blog and suddenly I knew exactly what to talk about.
I prayed throughout the morning and God showed up. He allowed me to be a part of something so wonderful. I was nervous, but so compelled to share. I can't remember the exact words I said, I know what I talked about and I didn't care how I appeared...I just knew this was what I was called to do. After I spoke, several ladies spoke up and also shared what they'd been struggling with. We had an awesome time in prayer, praying for each other. I can't even count how many "thank you's" and comments people shared with me afterwards.
I don't feel like I deserve the thanks. I don't feel undeserving...it's kind of odd. I feel like I am the recipient taking memos for God when I'm told how my devotions touched their lives. It was Him. All Him. I have no power to reach their hearts and effect change. The Holy Spirit was at work today and I was just blessed to be a part of it. All those who were praying were also part of it and had a huge impact. Despite the things Satan attempted to throw in God's way, the power of prayer and obedience overcame and Christ reigned supreme today. The Glory belongs to the Lord.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Prophecy becomes Reality
This isn't the first time, nor the last. To me, as one who has been studying God's word and seeking Him, this new event is eye-opening...I have seen the biblical prophecy of 2 Timothy 4:3 come true in the individual lives of others and in other religions that have formed, but this, this changed a bible teaching church!
A church in Minnesota has removed it's affiliation to Christianity and completely changed who and what they are. Instead of teaching the truths of the bible (although they still have a group to meet to discuss the bible), the 'spiritual leader' teaches sermons on secular ideas and occultist practices. I read a couple of his sermon blogs he has named "Soul Seeds". He denies the belief that all good things come from God and suggests the good things we receive are based on our own persistence. In another sermon he suggests that people let go of old hurts because those belong to the 'karma' of the person who inflicted the hurt. And in the third and final sermon I looked at, he compared prayer to intentions and said his own prayer life has changed from communicating with an outside supernatural being to a deeper, larger part of himself.
This church is welcoming with open arms the false belief that man can be his own God. They are an "inclusive" church and welcome all people and all sorts of new-age practices and eastern religious ideas.
2 Timothy 4:3-4 "For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth and be turned aside to fables."
This passage also comes with a command in verse 5, "But you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."
Many people will be deceived and have been deceived by such teachings. I expect increasing negativity towards Christianity. "If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." John 15:18 and also John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."
It will not be 'politically correct' to be a Christian soon, and will not be the easily accepted belief it is now. In the years to come, I believe that the Christian faith will undergo severe testing. It will weed out those who claim to be Christians from those who truly are. How much will you suffer for the name of Christ? What are you willing to sacrifice? Or will you turn away from Him because it will be the easy choice?
Faith in Christ is simple, nobody ever said it was easy.
A church in Minnesota has removed it's affiliation to Christianity and completely changed who and what they are. Instead of teaching the truths of the bible (although they still have a group to meet to discuss the bible), the 'spiritual leader' teaches sermons on secular ideas and occultist practices. I read a couple of his sermon blogs he has named "Soul Seeds". He denies the belief that all good things come from God and suggests the good things we receive are based on our own persistence. In another sermon he suggests that people let go of old hurts because those belong to the 'karma' of the person who inflicted the hurt. And in the third and final sermon I looked at, he compared prayer to intentions and said his own prayer life has changed from communicating with an outside supernatural being to a deeper, larger part of himself.
This church is welcoming with open arms the false belief that man can be his own God. They are an "inclusive" church and welcome all people and all sorts of new-age practices and eastern religious ideas.
2 Timothy 4:3-4 "For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth and be turned aside to fables."
This passage also comes with a command in verse 5, "But you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."
Many people will be deceived and have been deceived by such teachings. I expect increasing negativity towards Christianity. "If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." John 15:18 and also John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."
It will not be 'politically correct' to be a Christian soon, and will not be the easily accepted belief it is now. In the years to come, I believe that the Christian faith will undergo severe testing. It will weed out those who claim to be Christians from those who truly are. How much will you suffer for the name of Christ? What are you willing to sacrifice? Or will you turn away from Him because it will be the easy choice?
Faith in Christ is simple, nobody ever said it was easy.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The heart of a child
Early this morning (around 1am) I was barely conscious of my five-year-old singing praise songs to the Lord. Too groggy to think much of it, I tried to continue sleeping. Suddenly the singing turns to an exasperated moan and she called out to me. She was thirsty and saying her head hurt. I gave her water and checked her temperature. It was 103.3. She asked to sleep with me. I gave her medicine and prepared my bed. She was moaning and miserable saying her head hurt badly from "too many happy songs". I tried to make her comfortable and told her the medicine would start helping soon. In a half-whine and half-exasperation she complained, "I have too many happy songs in my head and they're trying to burst out!"
She finally did fall into a fitful sleep before succombing to the deeper REM sleep.
All day she struggled with her fever and a headache which meant we vegged on the couch in front of the tv a lot. She was particularly touched by a cartoon called "The Littlest Angel" about a 4-year-old boy who becomes an angel and whose gift is chosen to give to baby Jesus. In a scene showing God in Heaven, she broke into song singing "Hallelujah". Then she turned to me and smiled saying, "I have happy songs in my head!"
I don't know quite what to make of these happy songs. She is my child I struggle to relate too, the one who is most like me. There is something precious within her, a sensitivity to the things of God and a love for God I can't quite fully comprehend. It amazes me and reminds me how awesome a responsibility it is to raise godly children and to be the godly role model they need. I can only hope and pray that God grants me the ability to do the job justice for Him.
PS. The CT scan came back clear! We'll get the details and more blood work at the next doctor visit.
She finally did fall into a fitful sleep before succombing to the deeper REM sleep.
All day she struggled with her fever and a headache which meant we vegged on the couch in front of the tv a lot. She was particularly touched by a cartoon called "The Littlest Angel" about a 4-year-old boy who becomes an angel and whose gift is chosen to give to baby Jesus. In a scene showing God in Heaven, she broke into song singing "Hallelujah". Then she turned to me and smiled saying, "I have happy songs in my head!"
I don't know quite what to make of these happy songs. She is my child I struggle to relate too, the one who is most like me. There is something precious within her, a sensitivity to the things of God and a love for God I can't quite fully comprehend. It amazes me and reminds me how awesome a responsibility it is to raise godly children and to be the godly role model they need. I can only hope and pray that God grants me the ability to do the job justice for Him.
PS. The CT scan came back clear! We'll get the details and more blood work at the next doctor visit.
Friday, June 17, 2011
My Heart's Cry
I have a deep desire to reach out to others. That I might impact their lives in a positive way, to draw them closer to knowing the Lord for themselves. I have had this desire to make a difference for as long as I can remember. My mom called me "tender-hearted". My namesake (if I were born a boy *grin*) was a man of compassion. I remember committing my heart to the Lord at the tender age of 4 1/2 years old. At the time all I understood was that I was a sinner, on my way to hell unless I accepted Christ as Savior. Did I know what that involved? I doubt it. But I knew there was more to this life than myself and that I had no power to do it on my own. The faith of a child. Pure, trusting, willing to believe.
Not many years later, our children's church class was learning about missionaries. We met a real-live missionary who talked of riding a motor bike to church through the mud and I remember how shocked I was to hear that she didn't wear her "Sunday best" through the mud to church. I wanted to reach others as she did.
In another church moment, we watched a "Charity Churchmouse" video. The focus of that episode was a song called, "Make Me A Servant". I prayed that song fervently in my heart to the Lord. I wanted to embody the lyrics of that song:
Make me a servant, humble and meek.
Lord, let me lift up those who are weak.
And may the prayer of my heart always be
Make me a servant, Make me a servant,
Make me a servant, today.
Another song that I have always sung to the Lord purely from my heart comes from a "Patch the Pirate" cassette story tape. It was the 'Banana Man' one. The song was "Here Am I Lord".
Here am I, Lord, send me.
Here am I, Lord, send me.
I will serve you faithfully.
Here am I, Lord, send me.
I have added verses to that short song including, "Teach me." "Use me." "Love me."
I have sung this song as a prayer begging God to help me truly be sincere as I sang it, to not let it just be lip-service to Him. He has been faithful. Faithful to grow my faith. Faithful to forgive my sins along the way. Faithful to change my heart.
On your journey, what has been your heart's cry?
Not many years later, our children's church class was learning about missionaries. We met a real-live missionary who talked of riding a motor bike to church through the mud and I remember how shocked I was to hear that she didn't wear her "Sunday best" through the mud to church. I wanted to reach others as she did.
In another church moment, we watched a "Charity Churchmouse" video. The focus of that episode was a song called, "Make Me A Servant". I prayed that song fervently in my heart to the Lord. I wanted to embody the lyrics of that song:
Make me a servant, humble and meek.
Lord, let me lift up those who are weak.
And may the prayer of my heart always be
Make me a servant, Make me a servant,
Make me a servant, today.
Another song that I have always sung to the Lord purely from my heart comes from a "Patch the Pirate" cassette story tape. It was the 'Banana Man' one. The song was "Here Am I Lord".
Here am I, Lord, send me.
Here am I, Lord, send me.
I will serve you faithfully.
Here am I, Lord, send me.
I have added verses to that short song including, "Teach me." "Use me." "Love me."
I have sung this song as a prayer begging God to help me truly be sincere as I sang it, to not let it just be lip-service to Him. He has been faithful. Faithful to grow my faith. Faithful to forgive my sins along the way. Faithful to change my heart.
On your journey, what has been your heart's cry?
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Foundations
The CT scan was today. I didn't go to it. I can't do anything but sit there anyway, but I wish I would have gone just to keep him company. The report came back quickly with nothing significant in it. We have to wait to hear from the doctor to be for sure. The radiologist isn't a cancer professional and may not have noticed the things the doctor knows to look for. It is good news for now...I need to hear the doctor's confirmation before I rejoice fully.
Faith is still my rock. It is unmoving even though I could be overwhelmed in anxiety right now. I am thankful for the faith God has grown in me. It is hard to allow thoughts of cancer to invade my mind again. I want to reject them and push them out of my life forever. I am not afraid of cancer returning. I don't think it will, but I don't want to be stupid and believe it can't. It can, will God allow it? I pray not!!!
I didn't always have this unmoving rock of faith behind me. I didn't always trust God to hold me through hard times. I didn't trust that he always has my best interests...because I thought perhaps my own ideas of my best interests were better than his. There comes a point where you have to decide who you will trust. Your judgement or God's. I choose God's. My life is not in my own hands. Yes, I make choices each day, but even if I make the perfect choice every single time, would that stop cancer? No. Life is not controlled by human hands. I'd rather put my trust in a God who loves me and has a plan for me than let life just happen. I can't prove God's existence. I am not good at debating the argument of why a person should choose God.
All I know is the peace that surrounds me when I put my trust in Him. There is a light in the darkness and I choose to follow that light rather than try to make my own. Faith has changed my life permanently and I will never go back.
Faith is still my rock. It is unmoving even though I could be overwhelmed in anxiety right now. I am thankful for the faith God has grown in me. It is hard to allow thoughts of cancer to invade my mind again. I want to reject them and push them out of my life forever. I am not afraid of cancer returning. I don't think it will, but I don't want to be stupid and believe it can't. It can, will God allow it? I pray not!!!
I didn't always have this unmoving rock of faith behind me. I didn't always trust God to hold me through hard times. I didn't trust that he always has my best interests...because I thought perhaps my own ideas of my best interests were better than his. There comes a point where you have to decide who you will trust. Your judgement or God's. I choose God's. My life is not in my own hands. Yes, I make choices each day, but even if I make the perfect choice every single time, would that stop cancer? No. Life is not controlled by human hands. I'd rather put my trust in a God who loves me and has a plan for me than let life just happen. I can't prove God's existence. I am not good at debating the argument of why a person should choose God.
All I know is the peace that surrounds me when I put my trust in Him. There is a light in the darkness and I choose to follow that light rather than try to make my own. Faith has changed my life permanently and I will never go back.
Monday, June 6, 2011
CT Scan and Pride
My hubby goes for his first post-surgery CT scan next week. We're not expecting to find anything. In fact, I'm expecting that it comes back normal. I'm ready to move on with life, away from the cancer drama. There's always a small part of me that worries, that nagging voice of the "what if's". God knows. He knows what is to come. The "what if" voice cannot become louder than my trust in the Lord.
Sometimes I think I get prideful in my faith. That sounds like an oxymoron. But it is true. I get prideful at times with how well I turned to God in the journey of cancer. But it wasn't me. I have to say it, to ingrain it in my brain...my faith comes from the Lord. It is not my own ability that allowed me to trust fully in Him. I learned a lot about faith. I learned a lot about setting my own ideas aside to let God work it out His way. Sometimes I want to preach it to the world about what I have learned...but hey, I'm still in this journey. I have not figured it all out. I am still living in this sinful world. My pride likes to say, "You learned the big lesson, now coast through the rest of your life." My heart tells me, "You've learned a big lesson, what's next? How will God put it to use in your life?"
I haven't been taken to Heaven yet, so as long as I am here on earth, God has work for me to do. What is it? I don't know yet. I know I have places in life where I need to improve, and I don't know how it will happen, but with God's grace, I will learn. I'm afraid of the next trial I'll have to go through...but at the same time I know faith in Christ will grow me through it.
Sometimes I think I get prideful in my faith. That sounds like an oxymoron. But it is true. I get prideful at times with how well I turned to God in the journey of cancer. But it wasn't me. I have to say it, to ingrain it in my brain...my faith comes from the Lord. It is not my own ability that allowed me to trust fully in Him. I learned a lot about faith. I learned a lot about setting my own ideas aside to let God work it out His way. Sometimes I want to preach it to the world about what I have learned...but hey, I'm still in this journey. I have not figured it all out. I am still living in this sinful world. My pride likes to say, "You learned the big lesson, now coast through the rest of your life." My heart tells me, "You've learned a big lesson, what's next? How will God put it to use in your life?"
I haven't been taken to Heaven yet, so as long as I am here on earth, God has work for me to do. What is it? I don't know yet. I know I have places in life where I need to improve, and I don't know how it will happen, but with God's grace, I will learn. I'm afraid of the next trial I'll have to go through...but at the same time I know faith in Christ will grow me through it.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Faith vs. the World
Getting back into church on a regular basis is so awesome. I love the sermons and the lessons learned. I also love the inspiration to reach out to others. I just wish some of that could spill over and last throughout the week. It is all too frequent to have something happen that distracts or brings negative emotions to turn thoughts away from inspiration to "reality"?
Life is funny that way. Humans are funny that way. Spiritual battles are constantly raging and in these times it seems that there are more demonic activities going on than ever before. More lies, more distortion of truth, and rampant accepted sin in the world. At times I want to surround myself in Christ. To shelter myself and my loved ones away from the world...but we are called to go out into the world. I can't very well do that if I completely shelter myself. Is this overwhelming to think of to you too? :)
The importance of truly knowing the Bible and spending time with the Lord seeking his guidance and direction is increasing dramatically. I pray I am up to the task for myself, as a person, as a mother, as a wife, and as a witness to those around me.
Life is funny that way. Humans are funny that way. Spiritual battles are constantly raging and in these times it seems that there are more demonic activities going on than ever before. More lies, more distortion of truth, and rampant accepted sin in the world. At times I want to surround myself in Christ. To shelter myself and my loved ones away from the world...but we are called to go out into the world. I can't very well do that if I completely shelter myself. Is this overwhelming to think of to you too? :)
The importance of truly knowing the Bible and spending time with the Lord seeking his guidance and direction is increasing dramatically. I pray I am up to the task for myself, as a person, as a mother, as a wife, and as a witness to those around me.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Moved
Just finished watching "Letters To God" a movie about a little boy who had cancer and the way his letters to God touched the lives of everyone around him. I didn't realize it when I decided to watch it that it would hit so close to home emotionally. Yup. I cried at the littlest things in that movie. I can so totally relate to the emotions and the problems those people were dealing with.
I thank God that my husband appears to have overcome his cancer. It is still early to be saying things like that seeing how he is still recovering from major surgery and we haven't even had our first CT scan since, but the blood work is normal and there is a sense of God's peace in the thought of my husband being cancer-free.
Unlike many cancer stories, ours does not include chemo radiation, only surgeries. It almost makes it sound like we were blessed...well, we were. It could have been much worse. I know that I have grown more confident in my faith through cancer. Life is not about the things you accomplish or the paycheck you bring home. It isn't about the approval of your peers. Life is about the little things. The attitudes and reactions you choose in the everyday life experiences. When you trust in God and look to him for understanding and comfort, life is amazing. Even in the midst of the hardest times.
I thank God that my husband appears to have overcome his cancer. It is still early to be saying things like that seeing how he is still recovering from major surgery and we haven't even had our first CT scan since, but the blood work is normal and there is a sense of God's peace in the thought of my husband being cancer-free.
Unlike many cancer stories, ours does not include chemo radiation, only surgeries. It almost makes it sound like we were blessed...well, we were. It could have been much worse. I know that I have grown more confident in my faith through cancer. Life is not about the things you accomplish or the paycheck you bring home. It isn't about the approval of your peers. Life is about the little things. The attitudes and reactions you choose in the everyday life experiences. When you trust in God and look to him for understanding and comfort, life is amazing. Even in the midst of the hardest times.
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