A draft that was never posted... from 3/29/12

The three month follow up went well. The chest x-ray showed no change from the one done just after chemo.  Good news! 

Personally though, I am still facing a struggle.  I know there is spiritual warfare going on and a battle is waging.  Satan doesn't want me to continue to grow.  I think maybe I am still coping and trying to deal with life and the difficulties faced last year.

I have had to be the strong one.  The dependable one.  The one who makes it work, because if I didn't, the lives of those I love would come crashing down with me.  I am weary of that role.  Weary of the struggle.  Life is less scary now, but I feel more vulnerable than ever.  This is not the life I dreamed and though I have grown so much through this cancer experience, I am tired of having to persevere.  I need a break, a vacation free of stress and responsibility.  I need God to give me a new perspective because mine is not good.

I feel like I'm on a teeter totter balancing between rational life and emotional chaos.  I have asked for prayer anonymously and I can tell the difference, but I know I need more than others praying.  I need to make a change. I'm not sure exactly what...

Perspective

My children and I went on our first 'playdate' today.  It was my first time getting together with another mom...anyone for that matter that wasn't related to me or a co-worker.  Yes, I'm an introvert.  Couldn't you tell by now? :)

We're just getting to know each other, chit-chatting about different aspects of our lives.  It was a big deal to her that our family went through cancer last year.  I guess we have been through one of life's bigger dramatic scenarios.  I don't think we see it that way though.  Cancer happened, it was part of our lives for a while and now it's part of our story.  It doesn't stick out more than other more normal parts of life.  I still see my faith, family moments, marriage and birth of my children as bigger moments.  I guess cancer ranks up there like stories of war-wounds like broken bones or getting stitches.  Her reaction was probably one that I would have had also if I were her.  Surviving cancer isn't something many people at our stage of life seem to have to face.  It happened, we did what was necessary to survive, and somehow by the grace of God we have made it through to the other side.

For me, the biggest part of living through cancer was the growth in faith that I experienced.  The rest was part of the journey.  Most of it not fun and a lot of it still brings sadness and heartache to think about.  No one at work talks about my husband's cancer, no one asks me questions unless to ask how my husband is doing.  It's kind of difficult to go back and revisit that year of life, yet I enjoy sharing because I feel like God has many teachable moments from that experience...but I haven't shared in a long time.  I don't like to bring it up and make conversations about me.  I want it to be a person's natural curiosity or desire to know and I want my answers to point them to Christ.

Precious Moments

My girl graduated kindergarten this week.  I can't believe that the school year is over already.  For the first time ever, I got to attend two events in a row for my daughter where I was privileged just to be her mommy and not involved in managing or running the event.  It was awesome!  She got my full attention and we had a great day!

Another awesome event happened this past week also...my entire family attended church together for the first time since chemo!  I felt whole and complete worshipping alongside my hubby and knowing the children were learning in their classes too.

His 6 month check up is coming up in a few weeks.  I'm not nervous so far.  It is coming to mind a lot more often now that it is closer.  We'll deal with what we have to and I know God will get us through whatever comes our way.  I have no expectations of bad news though.

I've been leading a bible study at work.  We're studying the Women of the Bible.  It has been really neat to have discussions and imagine what life was like for those women back then.  I pray that God uses it for His glory because I truly don't know what I'm doing besides staying in the Word and prayer as we discuss.  I have a book that we're following as a guide.  So far I know that God's presence has been felt.  I also know when I've been ill prepared and tried doing it on my own...that always feels like a lacking day when that happens.

What God is Doing

God has been busy, that is for sure!  I'm grateful for His constant presence in my life, even when I'm too blind to see it.  The past few months I have felt lost spiritually, like someone put a blindfold on me and I couldn't make heads or tails of my surroundings.  I couldn't tell what God was doing or what was going on.  I also was discouraged and that was affecting my faith too.

In the midst of all that darkness, God was still there, still growing me and teaching me.  Christians often call opportunities for life changes "doors" that God opens or closes.  In the darkness of waiting, I searched for any open doors.  In that search, didn't find any open doors.  God hasn't called me to any new roles in life, but He did allow me to look through windows and glimpse the reality of who I am and what He wants for me.  I learned that some options were not true options for me.  I learned that some of my self-doubt was unwarranted and untrue.  I learned to have confidence in where He has me now and in the tasks He has given me to accomplish.

I don't know what the future holds and I definitely don't have life figured out.  I do have a better view of life right now and I am grateful for the things that God has done.  Even when I didn't see Him working, He was there right with me.  He even used my aimless searching to guide my husband to a new job! 

Never give up on God.  He won't give up on you!