Sunday, December 25, 2011

Stress - It's A Killer!

Merry Christmas!  Christmas was wonderful.  Everything has gone well.  Our children were more than blessed by others and our new appliances are such a blessing. 

Somehow I don't feel relaxed.  I feel more stressed than I have felt in a long, long time.  The month of December has been more stressful though.  Perhaps it is still not worked out of my system yet. 

Professionally, I have had more stress in my job than is normal.  Partly due to my own ethics...standing up for what I believe to be right, is hard.  I hate conflict in the deepest part my soul and even standing up for what I think is right causes me immense stress.  I have second guessed myself and reviewed my motives multiple times to be sure that I was not acting on selfish or biased motives.  I don't believe I did. 

At home, of course it has been stressful.  Positive stresses mostly, but stressful all the same.  I've been trying to let go of the reigns so to speak at home.  Since my husband's cancer, much of this year I have been the decision maker with parenting our children, I have figured out how to make things work managing our home, the health and well-being of our family, scheduling, meals, providing for needs.  I've done what I had to in order to keep our family going.  To keep the children as protected and undamaged by this thing called cancer as I possibly can.  To maintain my sanity and my walk with the Lord.  To continue to be a supportive wife and care for my husband's needs. Maybe my resolve, my strength has at last failed me.  My husband is healing.  His hair is slowly returning.  His energy is increasing.  His involvement as a spouse and father is increasing.  All very wonderful things.  All changes that I am adjusting to as well.

The next CT scan is in two days.  The first since chemo began.  I am terrified, uncertain of what to expect and beyond the ability to try and prepare myself.  Admitting that feels strange, because I can barely rationalize the stress.  The cancer should be gone.  The lymph node enlargement should be reduced.  I don't know if I can handle any more.  I don't know that I am terrified of the scan and what it may or may not show.  But I am terrified of having to handle one more thing.  My perseverance is running out.  I want to run into my Heavenly Father's arms and find that perfect rest.  Literally.  I give up.  Somewhere along this road I've forgotten to do that.  When did I stop relying on the Lord?  I don't even know.

I've been trying my best to be everything I need to be for everybody.  The strong, immovable, faithful, godly woman, wife, and mother I think I need to be.  I think the line between following God's will by doing my part and allowing Him to lead got distorted.  I get confused knowing just how much I need to be doing to follow God's will verses just how much I don't need to do.

I wish I could follow this verse easier...it baffles me.  "They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they will rise up on wings like eagles, They will run and not grow weary, walk and not faint." Isaiah 41:31 (paraphrased). 

Perhaps the answer is right in front of me.  Quoted in a book I was reading today, "Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage.  Wait for the Lord, wait for the Lord.  I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait. And in His Word I do hope." Psalm 27:14, 130:5.

The NIV phrases Isaiah 40:31 "those who HOPE in the Lord"  instead of those who WAIT.  Perhaps I have slowly misplaced my hope and my focus...I wish it was harder to do.  I seem to excel at this...I'm glad I have this blog.  I think I learn more from it than you might.  Goodnight and God bless.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas Hub-Bub!

It is hard to stay focused on the Lord during the chaotic schedule of December this year!  I've been managing, but I know my "good" can be much better.  With family birthdays, the birth of a new nephew, extended family celebrations, and work and still responsible for the household management...I'm a little overwhelmed.  It is all exciting and a lot of good things happening, but I forgot to balance it all and keep it in perspective.

Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I feel how I'd imagine an ADD person must feel.  I have lists upon lists of things to do in my brain and the clock and the calendar all seem to meld into one scrambled mess that I can't untangle.  On top of it all, two of our appliances decided to break down.  Praise the Lord that we had loving angels who provided the funds to replace them!  And I realized just how thankful I am that my parents taught me to wash dishes by hand as a child.  I know it seems like an easy task, but if I didn't already know the techniques of how to get into the small places and deep bottles, I'd have had a very hard time getting some of those dishes clean!  It's something my children are going to be learning in their future!

My husband is healing and recovering a little more each week.  He's participating in more activities and spur of the moment fun with the family.  Physically he still tires easily and gets out of breath with too much activity, but he is looking healthier!

In my quiet times, I'm still finishing the book of Jeremiah, but today I read the birth of Jesus in Luke 2.  I think God is telling me to stop and change my focus.  My priorities are not supposed to be about stuff.  They need to be focused on Jesus and my family.  The stuff won't matter in 20 years.  It probably won't even matter in 1 year.  How are you preparing for the holiday season?