Life Update

I can't believe how long it has been since I last wrote!  My life has virtually been turned upside down at work...in a good way, I think...we'll see.

Instead of interviewing for my boss's position, I was given the job as an interim and I am now living out a 2-month long interview trying to stay true to myself and to the Lord as I hope my actions are a showing what I am capable of.  It has been a month of pure and utter chaos thus far.  I am grateful for my admin. assistant who has risen above and beyond the call of her job description and has been a true helper for me.  We are a great team and we get along beautifully.  Many times we have spent afternoons or mornings in prayer, shared our stress and concerns only to watch the Lord orchestrate the answer to our prayers without our involvement.  God is a good, good God.  Each day seems to bring a new challenge and these challenges are not ones I would expect to face.  Most of them are rare to the business, but are all happening in a very short time frame.  I feel confident in the Lord's provision and the way I have handled things.  I have definitely made mistakes, but I also know that He has been equipping me for each new challenge that comes along.  And that fact is what fills me with peace about this chaos around me.

On the home front, we are busily preparing for the winter season, allbeit a bit delayed.  After purchasing the supplies and furniture to update our bathroom two-years ago (installation delayed by my hubby's health issues), we are nearly finished with the updates!  Hurray!  My husband has started taking injections instead of the topical gel he was using and his quality of life has much improved and as a result, so has life for our whole family!  He has more energy and is typically in better spirits on a more regular basis than before.  I got to give him the first at-home injection and it was kinda cool.  Now he does them himself.  I always thought I would never want to be in the medical field because of my extreme dislike for needles, but now I know that my dislike for needles is only skin deep....literally!  LOL!  We also got a goldendoodle puppy since I last wrote.  She is adorable and so much fun.  She has a calm and sweet personality (for a puppy), but definitely needs to work off energy before we leave her alone during the day!  I am looking forward to the end of the potty training period...it could be a while.

Nine month check-up Come and Gone

Life has been so busy lately, that I didn't even blog about my husband's 9 month check up.  It was a good visit.  Still in remission, praise the Lord!

Doctor visits are now mostly just follow up and maintenance.  The first medication we tried he was developing a reaction to and his hormone levels were still too low.  So, now we get to try a new medication in the form of an injection.  I hope it helps and is easy to find the right dosage.  The low levels cause low energy and varied emotions which can be frustrating for him and for me. 

We did learn that the researchers for his cancer are beginning to loosen up on the follow-up requirements.  There is a possibility that we will only need an x-ray at his 1 year visit instead of a CT scan.  I would prefer to have the scan.  When he the recurrence happened, it was the CT scan that found it, not the x-ray.  I don't carry much trust in x-rays...but doctors are supposed to know best.

Sometimes I think of the people who have dealt with cancer and choose to actively seek further support and research for cures.  I'm not one of those people.  I don't like living near those memories.  They are full of pain and sorrow.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the growth in my faith and the close bonds it created as we lived moment by moment and day by day.  I still think I am "dealing" with everything we went through.  Discovering what I think and feel about the things we have survived.  Moving on after cancer is different.  Not necessarily difficult, but not easy either.  Life never goes back to the normal it once was.  We have a new normal.  My youngest still asks God to help Daddy's surgery get better in almost every prayer.  She knows it is a scar that he'll always have, but she has the routine of praying for her daddy's health in that way.  I wonder when that prayer will change.  My view of life isn't as carefree anymore.  I know it can all be changed in a heartbeat.  I strive consistently to make every moment as great as possible.

Learning little lessons one at a time.

Life has been incredibly busy.  My boss is retiring and I am one of the candidates to move into her position.  The bad thing is that since I'm the only candidate from within the company I feel like every move I make is part of a living interview that isn't going to end for another month or more. God has been good to me, guiding me and revealing things I need to know about myself and how I choose to act.  I have a lot of insecurities that have surfaced, but I am also very aware of them for what they are.  I am learning a lot, which I like, but it isn't always a fun process either.  The Lord has been here with me, listening to my groanings and providing for my needs.  Life is overwhelming.  As I am living this interview I am doing my own job and also being given the opportunity to take on the role of the position I have applied for.  God has revealed a lot of what my strengths and weaknesses are.  I have prayed that His will would be done.  I am a willing servant, but I only desire His will because He knows best.  I don't know for sure that this position is definitely where God wants me.  I have stepped through one open door and await His leading to either close or open more doors in this process.  The one thing I know is that this position requires more than what I am on my own.  It requires submission and reliance on the presence of God to work His way in our company.

Life and Love with Loss

This is a good place to come to grieve.  My cousin's baby girl passed away this week after a long 4-month battle to try and save her life.  She never got to go home.  Her parents never got to dress her in all the cute little girly outfits.  There is an empty nursery that never got to meet her.  I mourn for their pain as a parent.  I hurt for all the things they don't get to do that every parent dreams of doing with their baby girl.

The part that brings me peace is that they are strong in the Lord and their little baby is now healthy and strong with Jesus.  Knowing that someday they will see her again and that she is no longer struggling is a big comfort.

I read a valuable piece of information this week.  Jesus is our Daily Bread, praying and reading the Word.  He is manna to our souls.  And just like the manna God sent the Israelites, we must gather our Daily Bread each day...one day's Daily Bread is only enough to sustain us for that day.  Each day we need a new helping of Daily Bread.  I learned that from David Wilkerson's Hungry For More of Jesus book.  It was a lightbulb moment for me because I have lived that lesson and never really fully understood it like this before.  God is so good. :)

Indescribable, uncontainable...

God is so, so good.  He fills me with awe and wonder.  Our little human race is so undeserving of the love He has given freely.  Today was a training day at work.  As one of the leaders I had the task of planning out the day's schedule and topics.  God, who is always faithful, enabled our leadership team to accomplish the tasks required for the day despite power outages, personal attacks from broken people, illness and fatigue.  We were called to bring accountability to our organization and boundaries where there had been none before.  It was a daunting task and we were attacked for it, but I continue to be blessed with godly confidence and peace in what was said and presented.

It is such an indescribable feeling to be a vessel used by God to bring glory to Himself.  On my own I would never be the person I was today.  I have so far still to go, so much to learn and discover; yet God is working through me and my counterparts to do mighty things in His Kingdom.  I truly am filled with awe.  It isn't a cocky, self-confident feeling or attitude.  It is a confident peace that God had His way today.  There are no insecurities or self-doubt.  I praise the Lord for the things He is putting into place.  I pray that His will would continue to be accomplished and nothing would be allowed to stand in His way...that I and those who serve along-side me will continue to steadfastly trust and seek Him first, to not stumble or fall to cause others to stumble or fall.  Thank you, Jesus!

Tragedy

Last Friday morning was the Aurora/Colorado/Batman Massacre as people have named it.  None of the names seem appropriate to me.  Somehow I feel like they are bringing glory to what happened instead of focusing on the good of the people, stories focused on the horror of the suspect's actions.

An intelligent man made a life-altering choice for himself and for numerous others.  This man I think of with distaste, pity, and sorrow.  I cannot imagine the state of his spiritual life to have come to a place where he chose to do the things he did.  I know the Christian thing would be to love him as Christ does, to pray for his salvation...I do desire those things for him, I don't know if I could do it if I were to meet him.  Not that that will ever happen.  I'm not involved whatsoever in this scenario aside from the people I know connected to it.  I question how he could sink so low, and I would go so far as to pray for him, to defend God's desire to see him changed.  My desire isn't there yet.  I don't have any desires good or bad for what happens to him.  I understand it was a senseless act and trying to understand the mind of someone like that is impossible and even dangerous.  I don't want to go there.

My heart hurts for the pain of the people in Aurora.  At first I heard the news and just wished it would go away.  I didn't want to have to deal with another sinful person who took the lives of innocents.  The same reason I avoid watching the nightly news...too much focus on the horrendous, the hurt and the broken.  But it wasn't something I could ignore and definitely something I couldn't avoid...the news stories were everywhere.

Thankfully, a church is actively seeking to help those hurting because of this incident.  A church that posts updates, offers unsolicited support in tangible ways, and a church that had 33 members in attendance that fateful night.  The city of Aurora held a prayer vigil, sponsored by the local government, and somehow, amazingly, God was at the center of it all. In my mind's eye I see a huge spiritual battle over the city of Aurora, Colorado right now.  What Satan had worked for evil is being used for God's glory.  Over and over I hear of the many things that God is doing through this tragedy.  And I am thankful.  I praise the Lord for his loving arms of comfort and encouragement.  I praise him for his faithful servants.  I look forward to seeing what more good things God will bring out of this devastation.

Burden of Responsibility

My blogs have been shorter and fewer since cancer.  Part of it is the simple truth that life is not as awesomely challenging anymore.  I mean, everyone wants to know how you manage surviving life with cancer...but does everyone really want to know about my personal struggles in life?  Do I want you to know?  As it seems with many, I am my hardest critic.  I can label myself guilty and unworthy so quickly it isn't funny.

I have a recurring issue that I struggle with.  My mind works too fast for my mouth to keep up with and often when speaking I say things that don't match my intentions.  Mentally I work best when I am able to focus on one thing at a time.  The responsible person I must be at work is different than the responsible wife/mom I must be at home.  I am a completely different wife/mother when my only responsibility in a day is to be the best wife/mom I can be.  I have always wanted to be a stay-home mom.  I never desired to have a career...but it isn't the lifestyle my husband and I have.  It isn't possible right now and may never be.  I feel like I cannot give my family what they deserve because I must give so much to a full time job...to be a different person at work than I am at home.  It is a struggle that crescendo's and decrescendo's routinely in my life.  It is a huge weight of responsibility to bear because I do want to be the super mom/wife that I think I could be if I weren't a working mom.  I think perhaps my home would be cleaner, more organized.  My children would have my full attention more often and I would know them better than I do.

And related to that issue is my second largest issue in life right now.  Since I am in a full time job with responsibility, I want to share the burden of responsibility I feel for my family with my husband, but I don't think men are designed to think the way women are.  Often I think my concerns are ones that don't even come up on his radar...makes me think of the book title Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.  God certainly did not make us the same.

Prayer.

A friend of mine who has beaten cancer now faces another life-threatening illness.  Her blogs continue to amaze me.  In her I see the spiritual and physical frailty of human life made glorious in Christ Jesus.  Her ability to share her hurts, her pain and struggle is a wonderful portrait of how the Lord blesses us and carries us through.  My heart hurts for her and I wish more than anything I could be there to comfort and assure her, but as distance separates us, I will pray...

Now isn't that just like us?  We don't want to let God do the healing, we want to be an active participant in God's work.  Me just praying isn't the last thing I could do...it is the best thing anyone can do, even if you live with the person you are praying for!  That is one theme of my life I pray the Lord will help me to overcome someday.  I do not do things better on my own...I've had many experiences where if I wanted something to happen, it was up to me to make it happen...but that isn't how it should be with God.  He is the only one who can do this perfectly in the best way -not only for the person who needs prayer, but for everyone touched by their life.

Doctor Appointment

It was a short and sweet doctor appointment.  Good news doesn't take so long, I guess. :)

My hubby's bloodwork came back good, his energy levels have remained low, so he'll begin a lifelong medication to keep those levels at normal.  Not uncommon for his type of post-cancer treatment.  I just hope the cost isn't outrageous (God-willing)!

I've been trying to write a book about our experiences.  It is extremely slow going.  Sometimes I don't feel like writing.  Sometimes it makes me too emotional, and then I have days where I make good progress...in the past several months I have written a whole 10 pages.  Woo-hoo! I think.  LOL!  I have revised those first few pages so many times.  Sometimes when I write all I do is re-word things and adjust spelling.  I suppose if God wants it to ever be a finished work, He'll let it happen in just the right timing. :)

Great News!

Officially 6-months in remission and counting!  Woo-hoo!  Our doctor appointment is still to come, but doc was kind enough to look over the CT scan and send us a quick email saying it looked good!

It wasn't really scary this time around, the peace of God was there in my heart and made it easy to simply let go and give the outcome to Him.  Yes, there are always nerves and the thoughts of what if...those will never be completely gone, ever.  I am happy living life to the best of my ability with what I have right now.  Enjoying the present and not focusing on the future so much.

So, my personal life is doing pretty good. :)  Professionally, things have been slowly changing and are heading for some major changes sometime in the next 6 months to a year, I believe.  I haven't always had the best attitude and sometimes I truly struggle.  Some good changes are going on right now, but I have to admit I'm feeling a little out of my element.  I'm not quite sure of the new role that I'm in, not a position change, but a change in the role my position plays.  It is definitely taking me out of my comfort zone and into the unknown and to a place where I must rise to meet the challenges.  Only the Lord is going to get me through.  I pray that He enables me, guides me and that I can follow His lead and stand with confidence in where I am.

He works for the good of those who love Him

Romans 8:28.  A recent theme in my life.  Taught in church, brought up in Bible study and in conversation, a little tidbit that God has been working into my world in many areas of life.
It says, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

ALL things.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  The Lord promises that these events and circumstances in life will work together for good to those who love Him and to those who are called according to His purpose.  ...Those who love Him.  Every follower of Christ.  ...Those who are called.  Every follower of Christ.

Isn't it so encouraging to know that God can take even our greatest mistakes, our greatest hurts, our greatest struggles and turn them into something wonderous!

For example, Saul was the greatest threat to the early church.  Single-handedly he pursued the destruction of Christians and killed many.  Then in one moment, the Lord met him and changed his life forever. Saul became Paul shortly after his encounter with God, and is the author of many books in the new testament.  God used Paul's education to give him an understanding of Jewish laws, traditions and beliefs.  He used his standing as a Roman citizen to reach the Gentiles (non-Jews) for Christ.  He used Paul's past experiences to understand his persecutors and have compassion for them. Through Paul's life and letters to his fellow Christians, the Lord used him to teach current-day Christians how to live as followers of Christ and how to understand much of what it means to be Christian.

Another example, the current day author, Lee Strobel who wrote The Case for Christ.  Lee was a criminal reporter.  He investigated stories to find the truth, his career taught him how to look for answers from all angles and from different views.  His career and life as an atheist led him to write one of the more popular and powerful books investigating the validity of the Bible as a historical book and whether or not it could be what Christians claim it to be, and also to completely investigate the validity and possiblity that Jesus was the Messiah.  I am reading this book now.  As a Christian already, it is  intriguing to learn about how the Bible came to be and the evidence for it and against it.  For someone who questions the very essense of faith, this book does the dirty work for you, Lee Strobel interviews some of the most knowlegeable people in each field of question from biblical archaeology to historical fact of the authors of the new testament and also from secular evidence and facts about the stories and claims made in the Bible.  Lee questions these claims and provides you with the evidence he has discovered.  You are the jury.  You choose whether the evidence is convincing or not.

A draft that was never posted... from 3/29/12

The three month follow up went well. The chest x-ray showed no change from the one done just after chemo.  Good news! 

Personally though, I am still facing a struggle.  I know there is spiritual warfare going on and a battle is waging.  Satan doesn't want me to continue to grow.  I think maybe I am still coping and trying to deal with life and the difficulties faced last year.

I have had to be the strong one.  The dependable one.  The one who makes it work, because if I didn't, the lives of those I love would come crashing down with me.  I am weary of that role.  Weary of the struggle.  Life is less scary now, but I feel more vulnerable than ever.  This is not the life I dreamed and though I have grown so much through this cancer experience, I am tired of having to persevere.  I need a break, a vacation free of stress and responsibility.  I need God to give me a new perspective because mine is not good.

I feel like I'm on a teeter totter balancing between rational life and emotional chaos.  I have asked for prayer anonymously and I can tell the difference, but I know I need more than others praying.  I need to make a change. I'm not sure exactly what...

Perspective

My children and I went on our first 'playdate' today.  It was my first time getting together with another mom...anyone for that matter that wasn't related to me or a co-worker.  Yes, I'm an introvert.  Couldn't you tell by now? :)

We're just getting to know each other, chit-chatting about different aspects of our lives.  It was a big deal to her that our family went through cancer last year.  I guess we have been through one of life's bigger dramatic scenarios.  I don't think we see it that way though.  Cancer happened, it was part of our lives for a while and now it's part of our story.  It doesn't stick out more than other more normal parts of life.  I still see my faith, family moments, marriage and birth of my children as bigger moments.  I guess cancer ranks up there like stories of war-wounds like broken bones or getting stitches.  Her reaction was probably one that I would have had also if I were her.  Surviving cancer isn't something many people at our stage of life seem to have to face.  It happened, we did what was necessary to survive, and somehow by the grace of God we have made it through to the other side.

For me, the biggest part of living through cancer was the growth in faith that I experienced.  The rest was part of the journey.  Most of it not fun and a lot of it still brings sadness and heartache to think about.  No one at work talks about my husband's cancer, no one asks me questions unless to ask how my husband is doing.  It's kind of difficult to go back and revisit that year of life, yet I enjoy sharing because I feel like God has many teachable moments from that experience...but I haven't shared in a long time.  I don't like to bring it up and make conversations about me.  I want it to be a person's natural curiosity or desire to know and I want my answers to point them to Christ.

Precious Moments

My girl graduated kindergarten this week.  I can't believe that the school year is over already.  For the first time ever, I got to attend two events in a row for my daughter where I was privileged just to be her mommy and not involved in managing or running the event.  It was awesome!  She got my full attention and we had a great day!

Another awesome event happened this past week also...my entire family attended church together for the first time since chemo!  I felt whole and complete worshipping alongside my hubby and knowing the children were learning in their classes too.

His 6 month check up is coming up in a few weeks.  I'm not nervous so far.  It is coming to mind a lot more often now that it is closer.  We'll deal with what we have to and I know God will get us through whatever comes our way.  I have no expectations of bad news though.

I've been leading a bible study at work.  We're studying the Women of the Bible.  It has been really neat to have discussions and imagine what life was like for those women back then.  I pray that God uses it for His glory because I truly don't know what I'm doing besides staying in the Word and prayer as we discuss.  I have a book that we're following as a guide.  So far I know that God's presence has been felt.  I also know when I've been ill prepared and tried doing it on my own...that always feels like a lacking day when that happens.

What God is Doing

God has been busy, that is for sure!  I'm grateful for His constant presence in my life, even when I'm too blind to see it.  The past few months I have felt lost spiritually, like someone put a blindfold on me and I couldn't make heads or tails of my surroundings.  I couldn't tell what God was doing or what was going on.  I also was discouraged and that was affecting my faith too.

In the midst of all that darkness, God was still there, still growing me and teaching me.  Christians often call opportunities for life changes "doors" that God opens or closes.  In the darkness of waiting, I searched for any open doors.  In that search, didn't find any open doors.  God hasn't called me to any new roles in life, but He did allow me to look through windows and glimpse the reality of who I am and what He wants for me.  I learned that some options were not true options for me.  I learned that some of my self-doubt was unwarranted and untrue.  I learned to have confidence in where He has me now and in the tasks He has given me to accomplish.

I don't know what the future holds and I definitely don't have life figured out.  I do have a better view of life right now and I am grateful for the things that God has done.  Even when I didn't see Him working, He was there right with me.  He even used my aimless searching to guide my husband to a new job! 

Never give up on God.  He won't give up on you!

Long time, no write

Hello again.  I'm still here.  Sorry it has been so long since I've written.  I've been in a spiritual place that I couldn't label.  A place that I couldn't analyze or figure out and so, I didn't know how to blog about it.

I know God is at work in my life.  I can't really tell you what I am learning right now because I guess I haven't finished this lesson yet, whatever it is.  I am growing more mature and discovering more of who I am in the different roles I must play.  For a while I was looking to see what God was doing.  Searching for answers and solutions that He hadn't given yet.  I got impatient and felt a little lost, perhaps like a lamb who wanders astray and suddenly finds itself in unfamiliar territory.  Maybe God doesn't want me to analyze spiritual lessons so much.  I will never understand Him completely and my experiences, while they may help you along your journey, are not the same as yours and will not give you a short-cut to the "finish line" of developing your relationship with the Lord.

My husband's health continues to improve.  He got some new shoes that really seem to help with the nerve pain.  The shoes aren't made for helping, just for supporting the foot properly, especially for those who work long hours on their feet.  The nerve pain and tingling in his feet has improved, but is still there.  We are thankful for the improvement.  He is able to do most things without his feet stopping him. :)

Update

The results of the 3 month x-ray were good.  No growth in the lymph nodes, so as the oncologist put it, this was a 'good news' appointment.  We'll see how the next appointment goes.  That is the big one.  At 6 months we'll do a full CT scan and get a better view of whatever is or isn't going on.  I don't have any expectations.  It's too far away and I'm not thinking about it.  It's just on the calendar at this point.

I've made baby steps in spending time with the Lord.  We're talking again and I'm reading my bible again.  Not as regular as it was before, but I will get there.  I have really been working on being aware of my heart-attitude and praying that I would approach life humbly and not pridefully.  I know that I can't figure life out on my own and I don't want to deceive myself into trying.  I also don't want to react to any issues I'm facing from a selfish point of view.  I truly do want to do the will of God because I know that will result in the best possible outcome.  I can't do any of this of my own power.  So, I've been praying little heartfelt requests and giving thanks as I recognize His blessings as my day goes on.

Discouraged

I am a glutton for punishment. I watched 'My Sister's Keeper' tonight.  It was a good movie.  I knew it would be an emotional one and almost didn't watch it, but I'm not sad that I did.

The past several weeks have been intense for me.  Discouragement that bordered on depression was becoming part of my view of life and I couldn't figure it out.  The no-brainer is that I haven't been spending my time with God.  That alone always opens me up for difficulties.  The thing was, I knew that I was neglecting that quiet time and I wasn't motivated to change it.  It was very dark and didn't seem very rational to me.

I'm positive that a spiritual battle is waging over my life right now, and only after asking for prayer has the darkness lifted.  It is still there, but I am not buried beneath the weight of it anymore.  I don't know that I have ever faced discouragement like this before.  Things in my job and at home seemed so monumental when normally I just deal with them and move on.  I grew weary of fighting the good fight.  Maybe it is part of dealing with the grieving process of surviving cancer with my husband.  Maybe it is solely a spiritual growth issue.  Whatever it is, it isn't over.

This thing I cannot face on my own.  It confuses me, twists my thoughts, defeats my will to fight.  I don't know why I am so stubborn and prideful sometimes.  I am far from perfect and I also know that I am not as near to worthless as the devil would have me believe.  Knowing isn't enough.  Doing isn't enough.  It must be a heart battle.  I cannot overcome on my own power.  God has to do something in me.  I need to allow him to do whatever he needs to do.  Even though I feel like I should be done persevering,  I need Him to give me rest and teach me to live in that rest as I continue following Him.

Contentment

Well, I think I've attained the goal of being able to wait on the Lord.  Now, if I could only be patient and stay content in my circumstances.  Have you ever just wished for a change, but God says "no", or at the very least, "not yet"?  I've been there lately and it is so hard!  The good news is I am not stressing over how to make change happen.  The bad news is that I have struggled to be happy and content with where I am.

I keep reminding myself that "whatever I do, do it as unto the Lord" and also to count my blessings because I can't deny that God has blessed me in many ways.  My husband has a t-shirt that says, "Growing old is mandatory.  Growing up is optional."  Well, I have made a choice work on growing up spiritually, but I sure wish it came more naturally and without so much struggle! God must have a never-ending supply of patience.  I know that I must test it on a regular basis in my struggle between flesh and spirituality!

As a side note, our 3-month follow up and first chest x-ray since chemo is coming up soon.  I'm not really stressed over it, I have some questions and mostly I'm just interested to learn more of what the doctor has to say about the healing process and progressing from chemo to being healthy again.  I did have a nagging fear in the back of my mind for a while and I asked a few people for prayer.  I am feeling much more at peace again.  I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to live through cancer.  I've been trying to write about our experiences...it is hard to relive those moments.  I pray that we never have to face them in real life again.

The struggle in the wait...

Waiting on the Lord is such a different way of life to me.  I am used to stressing about all the decisions for my tomorrow's and worrying over whether or not I made the right choices that day.  Basically, analyzing and second-guessing everything.

Now, I am trusting God for my tomorrow's.  I am realizing that second-guessing myself only hurts me.  It's okay to review my day and note choices that I could have done better and note specific ways I could do better next time, but it isn't okay for me to stress over the unknown possibilities or results of some choices.  It has been said and done, for better or worse that day.  There is only repentance, forgiveness and learning.  Not giving into condemning myself for mere possible negative results.

I'm finding that being in this place of resting in the Lord has opened me up to new attacks on my peace in God.  I am now facing discouragement and self-doubt in ways I never had before.  I have more insecurities than I ever imagined.  I am vulnerable because I am refusing to take control from God.  Vulnerability allows the Lord to reach me when I read his word and look for him in my situations.  I notice so much more the involvement he has in my life.  I also notice more all my defects.  Reminding myself of the promises of God and how he thinks of me is so important now.  I need that reassurance and to remember his perspective because mine is flawed.  It is what gets me past the attacks of insecurity and doubt and focuses me on the Lord.

Cancer update

Good evening, ya'll!  Sorry...a little bit of dork snuck in there.  I just realized that I don't think I ever posted on the results of the CT scan back in December.  Here's a quick recap:  the scan showed "significantly decreased lymph nodes".  Which means the chemo did its job.  Hurray!  The next CT scan is in June.  The doctor said most symptoms should be resolved in 3-4 months.  Unfortunately, that may not include the nerve damage in his feet.  The nerve damage could be permanent.  My hubby says that he feels as if he is walking on rocks all day and by the end of the day his feet are swollen and in a lot of pain.  When we saw the doctor in January for his lung test (back up to 75%!), they offered compression socks and/or a prescription medication that changes how your nerves perceive pain.  He tried the socks first, they helped with the swelling, but not much with the pain.  Then he tried the medication and that was making a big difference until he developed an allergic reaction to it.  So, we're back at square one.

I'm praying for complete healing.  The doctor is not convinced that the reaction is due to the medication, and we may try it one more time once the reaction goes away.  If it doesn't go away, he'll have to see a dermatologist.  Medically, we still have issues to deal with.  As a family, it feels whole again.  Our roles have changed a bit and I've been doing most of the housework and cooking, but I have my husband back and my children have a daddy who is involved and mostly healthy!

They that wait...

As I have been striving to simply wait on the Lord in my life, I am beginning to realize that this is not a short-term situation.  Waiting on the Lord is a life-long place of rest, contentment, and peace.  It is where I can completely let go of all my worries and cares about what tomorrow may bring.  All I need to do is strive to be faithful in seeking the Lord and obeying him each moment of the day.

Yes, it is much easier said than done!  A year ago I would not have understood this concept.  It is difficult to describe, but I am trying my best to do so!  I used to spend my free time thinking, planning, worrying, and stressing about what choices I should or should not make to ensure the best future for my family.  Will I ever be a stay-at-home mom?  Should I go back to school?  How should my hubby and I spend our money when we get our taxes back?  Will I ever have another child or am I done?  And the list could fill another several pages of all the things I worried about on a regular basis.

Waiting on the Lord means that I believe with everything I have that He already has my best interest at heart.  He has already prepared the path set before me.  He grants me wisdom and discernment to make good choices in each day.  Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail miserably.  He is faithful to forgive me and teach me.  I don't have to stress about the what if's and possibilities.  All I need to pay attention to is what lies directly in front of me at each moment.  There are many choices, and it isn't easy, but letting go of the stress and learning how to avoid the habits that lead me to stressing about those things is a journey I am on.

Waiting Faithfully

I'm in a place of waiting on the Lord.  And, I think, for the first time in my life I am recognizing that fact.  I'm sure there have been other times, but not times when I was patient to wait and see what He had in store.  It's kind of really cool and also a struggle because I like to be an active participant...wait a minute...I am an active participant in waiting!

I am continuing to seek the Lord in my quiet time, continuing to try and do my best for the Lord and for those around me.  I'm trying to stay faithful to the Lord despite the many things I don't understand in my life.  And He remains ever faithful to me.  Granting me exactly what I need, when I need it.  And when I mess up, He is faithful to forgive me and show me how to continue on...and when I have doubts or discouragement, He reminds me of His promises and who He is.  I can rely on Him to meet all my needs no matter what they are.

A Day at a Time

There is always something new to learn, a new concept to grasp, a different perspective to view.  God is bringing things to light in my life a little at a time.  I'm not feeling so overwhelmed anymore with life, but I am trying to take it slower and not attempt to be 'Superwoman' (AKA: constant failure -because it is impossible!!!).

It was hard to deal with, but a spiritual lesson was being taught.  My responsibilities at work and home piled up on me and I felt like I was drowning in it all.  I literally could not take in any additional information than what was absolutely necessary to complete the task I was doing in the moment.  Typically I would analyze the events of my day and read things into them trying to figure out the day and whether I made good choices or bad and what I could have done differently.  After getting sick, that kind of thinking was beyond my capabilities.  A true blessing in disguise.  He (God) really used those couple weeks in my life to bring me to my knees spiritually and just give up.  I think I need to find that place on a regular basis!

We had a guest pastor at church on Sunday and his sermon touched on many topics within the story of the Gentile woman who persistently pursued healing from Christ for her daughter.  One thing that really made me think was the fact that Jesus' response to the woman initially was Silence.  I've always been a positive thinker saying that God always answers prayer..."yes", "no", or "wait".  I still believe that, but I see a deeper perspective in the realization that Jesus used his Silence to draw out the woman's faith.  You can read the story in Matthew 15:21-28.  I liked the examples this pastor used to explain Jesus' silence.  It wasn't a silence to ignore her maliciously.  He has a purpose.  Always.  The pastor gave three examples:

God uses Silence to draw out our Faith to

1.  Reveal his glory in a greater capacity than if he answered our prayers the way we thought he should.  Note John 11: the story of Lazarus and how Jesus did not immediately go to sick Lazarus and heal him.  He waited until Lazarus was dead and then raised him.  What an awesome display of God's power and love!

2. Bring about surrender.  Note Hannah in 1 Samuel 1.  She desperately wanted a baby and prayed repeatedly for this.  It wasn't until she surrendered herself and her dreams for her child to the Lord, that she was blessed with a son.

3.  Enable us to minister to his people through our wounds.  Remember, we also serve a Savior who bears scars as a witness to minister to our hearts.

Willing

Dear Lord, Here I am...before you weak and with nothing to offer but myself.  Overwhelmed and weary, all I am is yours to mold and move as only you know is best.  Refresh and restore my soul.  Teach me how to rest in you, how to wait on you.  You are all my hope clings to and I give it all to you.  All of me.  All I am.  In Jesus Name, Amen

I don't understand this place I am in...I'm not scared.  I am not anxious.  I am simply so greatly overwhelmed that my mind cannot even attempt to try to find answers.  I can't even begin to analyze why or how I got to this place.  I've never been here before in all I've lived through.  I am not even attempting to try and figure it out because it just hurts to think.  I know God is working in this.  He is working in me.  Perhaps I am learning to rely more on Him than on myself.  That's a doozy of a lesson!  Whatever His plan for me is, I am willing.

Another 3am Posting... :(

I am really struggling.  The past 2 weeks have had a series of events that have put me so far behind and I feel so overwhelmed.  I can't sleep because varying thoughts concerning everything weighing on me keep repeating like a broken record.  I have prayed about it, but I feel so disjointed I have to write to even think straight.

Computer problems at work combined with missing work due to a sick child and then getting sick myself has put me over the edge of what I feel I can handle at this moment in time.  I'd appreciate your prayers...there's no quick solution and I need sleep.  A vacation would only put me farther behind at work.  I know I could catch up if I could only have a break from all these odd complicating situations.

Lord, surround me with your peace and enable me to find rest in you.  I know this too shall pass...  I give you my stress, my worries and my health and my family's health.  I trust you and I need your touch right now.  Thank you for loving me always and knowing exactly what I need.  You are bringing me straight to you.  In Jesus Name, Amen.

3:00am too late to be writing?

My mind is busy assaulting me.  My daughter's favorite cartoon show song is replaying in my head continually...even as I was sleeping!

I think my mind is cluttered.  I've been doing a 15 day challenge half-heartedly about Decluttering Life.  I don't know if it is adding more clutter or helping the clutter in my brain.  I don't know if organizing everything in my brain is where my focus needs to be right now.  I want to focus more on letting go and giving God control.  My quiet times have been going through a change.  Now that my hubby is getting back to his normal self, I'm not alone as often.  We'll stay up late together and I'll be too tired to spend time with God, or I'll shorten my time so we can turn the light off and get to bed.  In the mornings I've been hitting the snooze more often than not and I've missed some important times.  I truly miss having those moments with God.  As life is changing, I need that time of refreshing and I need to find the best way to make it work for me.  And, to stop hitting the snooze so many times!  I have faith that He will lead me to make better choices.

On the plus side, God is using me again.  He sent someone to me at the end of my work day who just needed a listening ear and a nudge in the right direction.  She was looking for the answer to solve the chaos in her life and I couldn't provide that.  There isn't a "tide-to-go" easy fix for life's problems.  It is something we must bring before God and seek His will for.  He promises to provide and to lead us.  He will show you and teach you as you spend time seeking Him in prayer and in His word.

It felt so awesome to be able to share the verses that God has given me over this past year and hope that they will also touch someone else's life.  I don't have all the answers.  God is my only answer.  We are each on our own journey with Him and we each have specific life circumstances and situations that require Heavenly guidance to navigate. 

One thing God had me share is that when we pray, He wants specifics.  He wants to hear your heart's desire.  And that heart's desire doesn't mean you need to have a life-long ambition to pray for.  It means that there is something important to you, something you spend a lot of time thinking about and desiring for your life.  Mine is sometimes as simple as asking God to help me make better choices so I can be a more 'present' parent or just pouring out my heart to Him.  There are times when I have been so overwhelmed with life that it is the only thing I can do, just vent to the Lord, tell Him your fears, your hopes, your dreams, the problems you don't know what to do to fix.  You don't even have to phrase it in a request or have any fancy words.  He wants your heart.  Give it to Him and enjoy the blessings of Peace that come when you allow Him to work in your life!

Trusting God

I have noticed a strange phenomenon recently of people getting offended with the encouragement to "trust God".  It isn't a cliche, although sometimes it is used that way.

They seem to think that to trust in the Lord means they are not allowed to feel.  The two ideas don't mix.  God created emotions.  It is healthy to fear, have concerns, hurt, etc.  In the beginning of this cancer journey, before I chose to fully trust God, I experienced all those emotions.  They consumed me and I was unable to function as a wife, as a mother, and especially at work.  That's not God's plan for anyone.

After I decided to trust God, to believe that His promises were true that "in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28), I was able to function.  He filled me with a peace that didn't make sense.  The only way to explain it is that it was a supernatural peace.  I had no logical reason to have any peace, but it was there.

Did I still fear?  Yes.
Was I still concerned?  Yes.
Did I still hurt?  Yes.
Did I still cry?  Yes.

The change was that those things did not consume me.  By the grace of God I was able to be the wife my husband needed.  I was able to be the mother my children needed.  I was able to be productive at work.  Yes, there were times that I lost sight of my trust in God and it became overwhelming again.  But all I had to do was look back at what He had already done, what He promised in His Word, trust Him once more and He would fill me with that perfect, unexplainable peace.  He has repeatedly done this for me, and He is waiting to do the same for you.

Ahh...vacation finally hit!

Now that my Christmas vacation is almost over, I'm finally beginning to feel a little more relaxed.  My days off were full of activity, but many things were accomplished and many good memories made with my family. 

Writing my last blog really helped me to see where all my stress was coming from and how it wasn't as monumental as I imagined.  I've been keeping up my quiet times with the Lord in the mornings and evenings.  Sometimes I miss one or the other, but I try not to miss too many.  I love my study bible.  It explains a lot that I don't understand in some of the verses I'm reading through.  I also love to see how the Greek/Hebrew original words add a new meaning to the English translation.  God is just.  He is faithful.  He is amazingly patient and understanding.  He loves eternally, and nothing anyone does can remove stop that love.  He forgives.  God is Love.  When was the last time you spent time with him?

I started a "Prayer Journal" a while back, just writing down my prayers each morning and night as I spend time with God.  It is amazing.  He answers the little prayers.  The ones I forget about after asking for them.  For instance, I'll ask Him to help me make better choices, and when I look back at my day, I can see where He has come through for me.  If I hadn't written it down, I may never have noticed or acknowledged the answered prayers.  He cares about each moment.  Each step of my daily activities and when I let Him, He blesses me and teaches me.  I pray that I can continue to keep my eyes on Him and to be humble to allow Him free reign in my life.