Over-extending Myself

 Speaking of over-extending myself...hahahaha!

My older kiddos have been desiring more fellowship with friends and getting out of the house to do things.  I didn't really know how to go about doing this, but God does!

I tried joining some homeschool teen groups on social media, but my girls kept declining to go to the events because they didn't know anyone there...

Then I learned of a new group for our local area and I've been attending the mom's meetings once a month.  I really enjoy these ladies and love that not only are they local, but they are like-minded families.  We will start getting together for their events this month as a school thing.  I am hoping the kids will make some friends in this group.

And, because God is good, He knows just how to reach my girls.  A group on social media started a Coffee House meet-up for teen girls and moms.  We went for the first time, it was the coffee that gave them the incentive to go, but afterwards they both said they were glad to have gone!

I'm thankful for these new people in our lives, but also trying to guard myself, because now we are part of three different homeschool groups in addition to youth group and AWANAs.

We have some time to play with, because school doesn't take a full day like public school, but I need to leave space for time to be home and the life things like grocery shopping, housework and appointments.

Mental Overwhelm

There is so much I want to think about, to plan and prep.  All things that would help me to be more organized and prepared for the busyness of life.

But my brain is overwhelmed.  It needs to unload the burden and decompress.

Friday, I learned that one of my homeschool mama 'friends' was in the hospital with her two-year-old son because his bloodwork came back with bad news.  Leukemia is the expectation of the doctors.  He had to have a bone biopsy and a blood transfusion because his numbers were so low.  Thankfully, he was able to be discharged and sent home Sunday.  He has an appointment with the oncologist to review the results this week.

He is her baby, youngest of four.  He was born with downs syndrome and apparently bloodwork is a routine check for babies like him.  My compassion for them went into overdrive and all I could do was think about how to be the best help for them.  

My heart is to serve others and I know myself.  I know that I can easily over-extend myself in helping.  I have to balance my desire to help with my commitment to my own family.  That makes it hard.  I call her my friend because we go to park days together and we chat, along with the other mamas that are regular attendees.  We aren't especially close at all, other than we are two of the few mamas with little ones still.  I save my son's clothes to pass down to hers.

I don't know what the future holds.  I can't imagine being in her shoes, although I understand cancer well enough to relate to the logistics of what she is dealing with.  I will walk alongside her as best I can as her fellow sister in Christ.

Living the Journey

"...but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

I watched my daughter live out the words of this scripture. She recently gave herself a challenging goal to achieve.  We supported her and prayed for her.  We took the role of on-looker and cheerleaders as we let her journey this adventure.

Her anxiety reached new heights and she struggled to meet the requirements that came up along the way.  Still, she pushed herself to continue.  She struggled through each step until she had persevered to the finish line.

Unfortunately, reaching the finish line didn't end with the kind of success she had hoped for.  We are so proud of her.  She let herself be vulnerable.  She didn't let challenges stop her and she never quit, no matter how hard it got.  She didn't achieve the results she hoped for, but the lessons and the maturity she developed along the way are priceless!

We had discussions about trusting God with the outcome, and just living the journey He gave her to live.  We talked of open doors and closed doors, and accepting them.  And when the worst thing that could have happened did, she wasn't devastated or crushed.  She was thankful for the journey and the many things she learned along the way.

She learned more of who she is, what she likes, what things fit her personality and abilities best.  She learned more about trusting her Lord and Savior.  She learned some new skills that can be used in other situations.  She watched and felt God show up for her, even if the outcome wasn't the one she wanted.

She practiced perseverance.  She developed character, and that character showed her hope in her heavenly Father.

Lessons in Faith

 Through my husband's battle with cancer, I learned to finally choose to trust in the Lord for my future.

Through my unexpected pregnancy, I learned that God doesn't have to ask my permission.  He is in control.

Through homeschooling I learned that pride is also self-sufficiency.  True humility is surrender and submission to God.

In parenting I learned to give my best each day and trust that God gave my kids the mother they needed most in me.

Decompressing

 This last week was crazy busy with lots of driving around.  I did it to myself of course, but I stretch myself thin for my kids quite often.  I signed up my first grader to attend a free sports camp at a local church.  He was so excited and loved it.  I didn't think it would be a big deal, but then we added on an interview for my daughter one morning, and we had friends come over another afternoon, and I had to split my grocery shopping into two days in order to be where I needed to be on time.

I did have the sense enough to let my fellow park-day mommas know that I wasn't going to make it.  I could have tried, but it would have overloaded my stress handling capabilities.

This weekend was a lot of traveling as well.  First for a fun event of celebrating my sister's graduation, and the second day was full of being a mom's taxi.  Tonight is a "work night" for me, but I needed to decompress badly.  When I get overwhelmed mentally, I withdraw inwardly looking for escape and a quiet place to clear my head.  Hard to do with a busy family life.

Tonight, I turned on some instrumental music and just typed up the events in my brain and sorted out what it was about them that caused the fog in my head.  Turns out, confusion over emotions and boundary issues are the majority of my mental overwhelm.  It was nice to have the time to write it out, go back and look at what I wrote and problem solve why I felt what I felt and how I wanted to deal with those emotions.  Very helpful.

Tomorrow is not Promised

 I grieved for lost tomorrows last night.  As odd as that might seem to you reading this, it isn't an anxiety thing.  It is me, as a mama, loving with all her being and accepting that my children are not mine.  They belong to the Lord, and I will treasure them however long He chooses to allow me to enjoy being their mama.  It is accepting that our tomorrows are not promised here on earth.

And I hurt at the thought of potentially losing anyone I love so dearly.  My heart's desire is to walk this road that God has placed me on.  Whatever happens in our future is His to command and His to direct.

This all stems from my daughter's love for her Jesus.  She wrote the most beautiful poem last night and it hit my heart like an arrow through a bullseye.  She wrote of heaven and her joy in being with her Lord.  God out-did Himself in creating her heart.  She astounds me with the way she perceives spiritual things.

From her childhood she has strongly desired to be with her Jesus.  It has always been a little disconcerting. Raising her has challenged my own perceptions and understandings.  I didn't imagine that having children would change me in this way.  She belongs to Jesus, in a unique way and however He uses her life to glorify Himself, I only pray that I am able to accept and submit to His will, to obey His leading even if it is hard.  I pray for her, that she will find confidence in her relationship with Him- that she will recognize His voice and follow Him wholeheartedly.

From her poem, and experiences with her...how would you live life, how would your choices change if you only had weeks or months to influence this world for Christ?  That is where I am.  I am looking at where God has placed me and what I can do to live out this calling to the best of my ability, seeking Him first and submitting to Him in all that I do.

To be Held

 Natalie Grant sings a song called “Held”.

It is a beautiful song of grief and the loving arms of the Lord in the midst of pain.

Tonight I grieve what may come.  Perhaps it is just emotions, and yet, I sense that God is in this, loving me in His perfect way that only He can.

I hear the melody of “Held” in my mind as I mourn and surrender to the Lord, what His will may be.  I pray for protection, for healing of the pain, and the ability to walk in faith, to walk in obedience.

Pondering a Question about my Past

 My dad asked me today if I would have still gotten married as young as I did if he and my mom hadn’t moved away that year.  I told him probably because my hubby was going away to college in the fall. I want to explore that thought more.  

I love my husband and I treasure the life we have built together.  I don’t wish that were different.  Maybe pieces of it, but not if it meant changing what we have today.

We got engaged in my junior year of high school.  I knew it was going to happen when he told me he had a surprise and made me close my eyes as he drove us to our date that night.  I remember being nervous.

He had said he loved me early in our relationship and I said it back to him. I knew I loved him more than anyone I’d ever loved before.  We hadn’t followed God’s will in our relationship, so I worried that our relationship as a whole was outside of God’s will.  Now I know it was just our behavior that didn’t follow God’s will.

We started dating at 15 and 17.  I had never had a real boyfriend before.  He was so handsome and funny.  I loved being around him.  We flirted like crazy…over-the-top, ridiculous flirting.  It was so much fun! He joked and played, and I reciprocated.  We simply had fun together.  We could talk for hours on end and still want to be together and talk longer after time was up.  The first time we ever broke my curfew was because we were talking and lost track of the time.  We were talking of marriage within months of beginning to date.

We were so close, so fast, people talked about us.  We were bullied and rumors went around about us.  We received a lot of criticism and negative comments about our relationship.  The negativity in addition to my own self-doubt filled me with uncertainty. I desperately wanted to do what God’s will for me was.  And that is what made me so nervous of the proposal. I was scared that all those naysayers were right, and I was acting apart from God.

I wish that I would have had confidence in myself and in the truth of our relationship.  That is where my youth and immaturity came at a disadvantage.  How much more I would have enjoyed and treasured that proposal and our wedding planning!  Instead, I spent countless nights stressing over the what ifs and questioning everything I felt and thought.  When I finally got down to the nitty gritty of all my worries, I knew without a doubt that I loved him.  And that was the reason I said yes.  That was the reason I didn’t follow the naysayers.  I love him with all of me.  I always have and always will.

We chose to get married the summer after I graduated high school.  He was going away to go to college.  My parents were moving to another state.  I didn’t believe in living together unless we were married.  So, we got married.  The timing just made sense, even if we were terribly young.

If my parents hadn’t moved, would we have planned our wedding for later?  Possibly.  I don’t know for sure.   We still would have spent all of our extra time together and talked on the phone constantly.  I really couldn’t say.  We might have gotten married anyway, just to be together.   On second thought…we may have planned our wedding for later that same year to be on the anniversary of when we first started dating.  We considered that before we knew my parents were moving away.

What would I have changed?

1. Followed God’s will for our choices early in our relationship.

2. Held onto confidence in what I knew to be true.   Taken less stock in what other people said.

3. Insisted on our original chosen date for our wedding, even if that meant a justice of the peace wedding rather than the pastor who only married us because he knew we’d do it whether or not he was the officiant (he even told us this).  

4. Had more fun planning our wedding to represent our personalities better.  I would have liked to sing or at least walk down the aisle to our song.  I’d skip the lunch part of our reception and just have simple cake and nuts/dinner mints.

Sorting out the past, truth from fiction

 With the death of my former boss, I debated internally whether or not I wanted to attend her memorial service.  I would have gotten to see some of my much-loved friends from those years of working together.  I also would have had to see people who have hurt me deeply.

Blogging was closure enough for me and was the only coping I needed in dealing with the news of her death.  I expected more emotional moments, but I feel at peace with my relationship with her and how we last parted ways.  

I took it to the Lord in prayer about whether or not I wanted to go.  Ultimately, I had more peace in leaving the past in the past and not attending.  The purpose of her service was to honor the life that God gave her and the work she did for Him.  My attendance, for me, wouldn't be for that purpose.  I honored God's work in her in my own way here on my blog, and that was enough.

In my prayer time, I also asked God to heal some of those wounds.  He revealed some truths to me that I needed to hear.  

We are studying Philippians at church, and our pastor went over a passage in chapter 2, and some interesting pieces of the study really stood out to me.  The theme of the first few verses is "Unity through Humility", speaking of the relationship believers should have together.  Verses 3 and 4 say, "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."

It hit me because when I first took on the challenge of becoming director, I entered that role with a sincere humility.  I knew that it was a role I wasn't experienced enough for and that it would require divine intervention for me to accomplish.  When I interviewed with the church leadership, they barely glanced at my typed list of goals for my role as director.  My heart to be a servant leader, my heart of humility was viewed as a tactic to gain the job.  

God was revealing to me that there was already selfish ambition and sin already present.  His coming judgement was not caused by my failure.

He also reminded me that no leader is present without His allowing it.  My stepping into the director role wasn't me stepping out of God's will as I once thought.  

It wasn't my responsibility to fix the problems and make it all work either.  When God removed me from that position, He was saving me from myself and from the damage it was causing me.

I recognize that while I started my role in humility, the severe spiritual battle that was waging was more than I could handle on my own.  I started out depending on the Lord, fell into depending on others and myself, and suffered the consequences of that failure.  I wonder if I had stayed in tune with the Lord, if I might have recognized His work in removing His blessing and bringing judgement on the church.  Would I have left sooner?  I'll never know.

What I do know is that He has answered all of my prayers perfectly.  His answers aren't always what I think the options are, and that is so wonderful.  His ways are not mine, they are so much better. They are exactly what my spiritual walk with Him needs for me to continue to grow and mature in my faith.  I praise Him for this!

HSP- Highly Sensitive Person

The Difference Between the Highly Sensitive Brain and the 'Typical' Brain (highlysensitiverefuge.com)

This is a pretty good website with several articles about being an HSP.  I definitely see myself as one, and am inclined to think that my dad is as was his dad.

Many of these traits can present similar to ADHD.  I wonder if they are intertwined somehow.  HSP isn't a medical diagnosis.  It is more of a personality type.  Interesting to consider.

Farewell to a fellow woman of faith

I just learned that my former boss of 13 years passed away.  

Of all the possible feelings, I mostly just feel acceptance.  Other feelings may pop up as my brain processes the information over the next several days, if past experience counts for anything.

She was a good and loving boss.  

She drove me bonkers.

I appreciated her greatly, yet she stretched my tolerance and my patience on a daily basis.

She cared for others with the full love of Christ.  She knew no strangers and never acknowledged any subtle boundaries of others at any time.  You had to be direct or your boundary wasn't perceived.  Her extroverted personality was oblivious to the passing of time or other responsibilities that needed her time and attention too.

I learned much from serving under her.  I was grateful for her constant support and fighting for better wages and more respect for her employees.  She did many things that made her very loved by her staff.

She was pushy and loud, yet never missed a chance to witness to anyone and everyone who crossed her path.  Every interview she conducted included the gospel message and a heart-to-heart with the unsuspecting interviewee.  She had the privilege of praying the prayer of salvation with many parents who brought their children to our childcare center.

Her final two years as my boss, myself and her administrative assistant served as her hands and feet, her mental stability, and we ran all aspects of the business with her at the helm delegating everything possible to us, with the exception of the personal interactions she was so gifted in.

Several times in our time together, we thought God might be calling her home.  Her health was always in question.  More times than I can remember, I was with her at the hospital or racing to get her some orange juice because her blood sugar had dropped incredibly low again.

Never a dull moment. 

I remember a bible study that she led, a verse about how wide, how deep, and how far God's love was.  It was her heart's prayer to experience God's love and share it to that degree.  Finally, she gets to experience it live, and in-person.  I can see her joyfully praising her Lord and Savior with all of her being up in Heaven.

Proverbs 31 Woman

 This chapter can be intimidating when viewed through broken lenses.  I think it is a beautiful portrayal of a woman who strives to be her best for the Lord.  A portrayal of a regular woman, not a perfect woman on a pedestal that we have to try to emulate, but an honest, down-to-earth description of the ways she strives to do her best and be the woman God has created her to be.

As I read verses 10-31, again -one of many times in my life I have laid eyes upon this passage and pondered it, I found myself looking at it in a different light.  I jotted down some paraphrases of the verses and here is the message I found the Lord sharing with me:

1.  Her husband's heart trusts in her.  She does him good and not harm. (this speaks to the relationship between this husband and wife)

2. She uses her skills and hard work to provide and support for the needs of her family that God has given her responsibility for.  (the gifts and talents God has given her, for the specific needs she is responsible for)

3.  She travels as necessary to feed her family.  (she goes the distance, puts others first)

4.  She rises early to meet their needs. (like feeding them a nutritious breakfast)

5. She uses her resources to further the benefit to her family and she follows through to see something to fruition.

6.  She works on herself and doesn't give in to laziness, or give up on her efforts when the going gets tough. (her character, her relationship with the Lord, all areas of her life)

7. She's not afraid of hard work and works alongside others. (doing what it takes, humbly)

8. She is gracious and generous with what she has.

9.  She is not afraid, she knows the Lord provides...He gives her strength and dignity.

10. Her words are wise and kind.

11.  She is a woman who fears the Lord.